Fathers Death

bikemedvol

M father died on the 20th of February 2015. I had been informed by my mother that he was in a bad way the afternoon before but I made a decision to return home to Wexford and travel up the next morning, my wife suggested that I go home to my mothers and go to the nursing home with her but I insisted in going home to pack a bag for a few days with a funeral in mind.

My wife and I arrived in Dublin on the Friday morning, and went to my mums rather than go to the nursing home straight away to say our goodbyes. After arriving at my mothers house and spending some time with her, we went to the local shopping centre to buy some things we thought we would need, by the time we got back, my mother had a feeling that he had passed on but I insisted she go get her shopping. She was only gone a couple of minutes when the nursing home rang to say we should get there as quickly as possible, but I delayed in fetching my mother and only told her that we had to go straight away as they said it would be better for us to say our goodbyes.

The problem is that I feel guilty for not going to the nursing home and in not getting my mother from the shops. Its over a week now since we buried him and I am back in work but haven't grieved for my late father and am still not sure how I feel, even though I am to the casual eye back to my old self.

Its the feelings that I could have done more for both my parents especially with visits tot the nursing home, but I work 40 hours a week with a 20 hour commute on top of that but I still empty and guilty that I didn't do enough or that I should have taken more time off.

LegacyUser

My deepest sympathies on the loss of your Dad and what you are going through. You've posted here questioning your own emotions and actions which shows that you do care and no you've done nothing wrong.
From reading your post I can see that your immediate attention was to focus on your Mother and to assist her in preparing for the events to come. Whether this was a conscious decision or a natural instinct doesn't matter, what does matter is that the woman who was about to have her life turned upside down by the events to come was getting the care and attention she must have needed at that time. As time passes you'll understand the importance of that and if you think about it I bet you'll realise that's what your Dad would have wanted you to do....to be there for your mother.
The time off grieving can be different for everyone, when my father died I only missed a few day's of work and like you got back to normal quickly, when my mother died I took several weeks off work. I loved them equally. I felt I had to be strong after my father died in order to show my mother that she had support, but years later when she died there was nobody to be strong for...so I felt the wave of grief overwhelm me.

You did what you could do, your actions were sensible, you came prepared and you avoided drama. Your Mother was very lucky to have you around keeping it all together and calm. Don't beat yourself up about what could have been or other thoughts, we all go through that.....why did I feel the need to go and buy a coffee 20 minutes before my Dad died..was that disrespectful?.....I questioned that a lot because I was sipping a coffee in a famous fast food outlet when he died, but the reality was that I had spent hours by his bedside and I had nothing to regret apart from not having a crystal ball to see the future.

Your Dad would be very proud of your actions. Take care and my sympathies.