Alcoholic mother- can I help her?

IontachSpraoi

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, but I'm at my wit's end. My mother has been an alcoholic for quite some time, but it has really only developed into a serious problem in the past year and a half, after her own mother (my granny) died. Her father was a severe alcoholic, managed to kick the problem but eventually died from a combination of heart disease and MRSA. I'm so, so concerned that my mum literally won't be alive this time next year. Nothing seems to help her- she's been in a treatment program twice in the past year and neither stint did anything to help, she's been admitted to hospital as a result of a seizure caused by alcohol withdrawal (this happened during my leaving cert, brilliant timing ) and she has also fallen in the middle of the street and hurt her leg (not seriously but enough for an ambulance to have been called). She's also gone into counselling numerous times but this hasn't helped either. I don't have a clue what else can be done, and really I'm posting on here in search of advice from anyone who's been through something similar or from recovering alcoholics who might be able to place themselves in my mother's shoes a little better than I can. Is there any chance that she'll recover? Is there anything in particular that I can do to support her? Are there any particular types of therapy that may be of benefit to her? Any help whatsoever is appreciated, and I'm really sorry if this post had a bit of an 'oh woe is me' vibe to it! I'm just really desperate at this point. I love my mum to pieces and I'm finding it horrendous to see her decay into a drunken shadow of the woman she used to be.

hubba

IontachSpraoi wrote: »

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, but I'm at my wit's end. My mother has been an alcoholic for quite some time, but it has really only developed into a serious problem in the past year and a half, after her own mother (my granny) died. Her father was a severe alcoholic, managed to kick the problem but eventually died from a combination of heart disease and MRSA. I'm so, so concerned that my mum literally won't be alive this time next year. Nothing seems to help her- she's been in a treatment program twice in the past year and neither stint did anything to help, she's been admitted to hospital as a result of a seizure caused by alcohol withdrawal (this happened during my leaving cert, brilliant timing ) and she has also fallen in the middle of the street and hurt her leg (not seriously but enough for an ambulance to have been called). She's also gone into counselling numerous times but this hasn't helped either. I don't have a clue what else can be done, and really I'm posting on here in search of advice from anyone who's been through something similar or from recovering alcoholics who might be able to place themselves in my mother's shoes a little better than I can. Is there any chance that she'll recover? Is there anything in particular that I can do to support her? Are there any particular types of therapy that may be of benefit to her? Any help whatsoever is appreciated, and I'm really sorry if this post had a bit of an 'oh woe is me' vibe to it! I'm just really desperate at this point. I love my mum to pieces and I'm finding it horrendous to see her decay into a drunken shadow of the woman she used to be.

Don't apologise for posting - I really feel your pain. There are others on this thread who can help more than I can regarding treatments and who will, no doubt respond, but I just had to send this note to let you know you aren't on your own. My mother was also an alcoholic so I can understand the chaos and worry this brings to your life. Perhaps it might be an idea for you to get help as a child of an alcoholic? There are AA meetings for family members of alcoholics and in particular there is one for teens. I've been to one for family members and if you can get over the whole 'god' thing (I'm an atheist) then they are a great help. Take care of yourself, that's all you can control for now and keep us posted. Best wishes.

IontachSpraoi

hubba wrote: »

Don't apologise for posting - I really feel your pain. There are others on this thread who can help more than I can regarding treatments and who will, no doubt respond, but I just had to send this note to let you know you aren't on your own. My mother was also an alcoholic so I can understand the chaos and worry this brings to your life. Perhaps it might be an idea for you to get help as a child of an alcoholic? There are AA meetings for family members of alcoholics and in particular there is one for teens. I've been to one for family members and if you can get over the whole 'god' thing (I'm an atheist) then they are a great help. Take care of yourself, that's all you can control for now and keep us posted. Best wishes.

Thank you so much for your kind words and sympathy, I really appreciate it. I've considered going to Alateen meetings or even a counsellor (I'm in college so we have a free counselling service on site). I do genuinely hope she recovers, but I'd also like to be able to detach from all the worrying and leave things be. If you don't mind me asking (and please feel free to not reply if you'd rather not go into details), did you grow up with your mother as an alcoholic? The thing about my mother is that her problem has only escalated to this level in the past year or so, I had a very happy and stable home life right up until I turned 18.

jca

You probably won't like what I have to say but the need and want to change has to come from within the alcoholic themselves. You stressing yourself to bits won't help you in your life so you have to decide what you want from your life. Your mother has obviously decided what she wants to do with her life, please don't let her bring you down with her as you seem like a very nice person. I almost got dragged down by an alcoholic parent I thought they were the best person in the world but all I was was another drinking buddy. Be careful and put yourself first unless your mother genuinely wants to change.

hubba

My mother's drinking was always heavy (sneaking in a double while at the bar ordering a round), pouring whiskey in her coffee the morning after etc etc) and life at home was constant drama and chaos, fortunes rising as falling depending on what situation (read boyfriend) she was in/with at the time. She wasn't a fall down drunk type but was irrational in the extreme, prone to emotional mood swings and temper tantrums, you never knew where you stood with her, never knew which mother you'd come home to, or whether or not she'd be at home for that matter. Our relationship was fraught because of this and to be honest she died young as she didn't acknowledge she had a problem and so never thought to 'deal' with it. Your mother's case sounds quite different, perhaps she is drinking because of some trauma which she never dealt with and so maybe there is hope, if she sought counselling perhaps? But she needs to want to do it, more than you and this is the hard part.

But you are right, you need to try to detach yourself from it somehow, your life is just starting, have a lot of decisions to make in the next few years and your head needs to be in a healthy place in order to give yourself the best chance. Your mother would want this too. I strongly advise counselling for you, if nothing else, the relief in telling someone else is huge. They will also have contact numbers for you, to help your mother.

Sunnyisland

http://www.bottled-up.com/

You probably came here because you are living with an alcoholic and you are looking for information. You have probably looked at a number of websites, talked to a few people and heard the standard advice, which is usually “Get out!” or “Throw him/her out!”



Many of the people who come to us, come because they love their drinker not because they want rid of him/her.

We are not going to tell you what to do. However we will provide information and resources that will help you to make the right choice for you and your family. And we will support you regardless of the decision that you make. after all this is your life.



Most people come to us because they are confused, frustrated and feeling helpless...





I would recommend this help site,I started of on there sister site 24/7 and it helped me no end. Check it out and good luck.
Also there is if your mother wants,really wants to stop she can, with help of course,I stoped when I was 47 and I have met women and men who have stopped later than that,but at the end of the day Iontachspraol it is really down to your mother.

IontachSpraoi

I can't thank you all enough for all of your support, it really really helps in times like these. There were a couple of developments this week in regard to my mum- she told us all about a previous trauma she had experienced during childhood that she had never opened up about before. This was positive+she has now agreed to go into counselling for that. Her alcoholism is ongoing but this week was relatively calm (then again, the week isn't quite over yet!). Thank you all again so much.

jca

It's good that you can communicate with her that's certainly a positive development. Has she actually admitted she's an alcoholic? as in " my name is xxxx and I'm an alcoholic " Be careful of the "something happened in my past and that's why I'm like this speel" with an alcoholic it's always someone else's fault,most probably yours you'll be told. Be careful as they're very cunning.

Amazingfun

Great advice given here and I'd assume you're aready aware of this site, but if not I strongly encourage you to give it a try:

Please take a moment to ask yourself the question – “Are You Troubled by Someone’s Drinking?”. If so we are here to help.
Al-Anon offers understanding and support for families and friends of problem drinkers in an anonymous environment, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. The parents, children, wives, husbands, friends and colleagues of alcoholics could all be helped by Al-Anon and Alateen whether or not the drinker in their lives recognises that a problem exists. More info about Al-Anon

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

And just one thing about your mother and her "traumas": I don't speak for everyone in AA ( just myself) but my experience is that very few of us drink because of anything much other than the fact we love drinking. And I mean really really love it....above and beyond family/health/friends etc. This can be extremely difficult to understand, especially for those who love us,and sometimes it takes years for an akie to admit this to themselves- if they reach this place at all.

What I mean is that it's so understandable to want to search for logical "reasons" for our insane behavior with the bottle but in the end it really just comes down to accepting we cannot ever drink again...for any reason at all. "Working on issues"...."understanding ourselves" etc etc.....many of us have jumped down these rabbit holes imagining that if we could only overcome the problems in our lives (real or imagined!) we'd be able to resist the drink. My experience is this is rarely so. We drink- no matter what- until we come to that place of honesty and simply admit defeat.

I wish you the very best and echo those who encourage you to do all you can in getting on with your own life. Trying to help an alcoholic who simply doesn't really want to stop is not just a waste of time....it's a soul-destroying exercise in futility.

And you deserve to be happy Take care.

jca

Amazingfun wrote: »

Great advice given here and I'd assume you're aready aware of this site, but if not I strongly encourage you to give it a try:



http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

And just one thing about your mother and her "traumas": I don't speak for everyone in AA ( just myself) but my experience is that very few of us drink because of anything much other than the fact we love drinking. And I mean really really love it....above and beyond family/health/friends etc. This can be extremely difficult to understand, especially for those who love us,and sometimes it takes years for an akie to admit this to themselves- if they reach this place at all.

What I mean is that it's so understandable to want to search for logical "reasons" for our insane behavior with the bottle but in the end it really just comes down to accepting we cannot ever drink again...for any reason at all. "Working on issues"...."understanding ourselves" etc etc.....many of us have jumped down these rabbit holes imagining that if we could only overcome the problems in our lives (real or imagined!) we'd be able to resist the drink. My experience is this is rarely so. We drink- no matter what- until we come to that place of honesty and simply admit defeat.

I wish you the very best and echo those who encourage you to do all you can in getting on with your own life. Trying to help an alcoholic who simply doesn't really want to stop is not just a waste of time....it's a soul-destroying exercise in futility.

And you deserve to be happy Take care.

Very good post everything you say is true.

damok89

Hi Iontach Spraoi,

I read the forums quite a bit and decided to post when I saw your thread. I can totally relate to your post. My father is an alcoholic and I put up with it for 22 years before I made the decision to move out from home. I am 25 now. I am glad to hear that your mam has decided to go to the counselling. Hopefully by talking through some of the trauma she experienced as a child will help her to realise that drinking is not the answer.

I would recommend you go to counselling in your college. It would help and most colleges provide it free of charge I have been getting a bit recently and it has really helped me. Like the other posters said, it's up to her to realise that she has the problem. It's out of your control. What you can do is look after yourself and try to not let the situation get to you. Alateen would help you too I have been looking at going to Al Anon meetings too. I would like to know if there are meetings based around younger people in their mid twenties.

Are you living in Dublin? If you ever want to meet for a coffee or anything, let me know. I can PM you on some details. Talking about things like these makes it easier

IontachSpraoi

I'm so sorry I've been so inactive on this thread! I've been studying for exams for the past month, and I've been really busy with college society events. But I checked the email I use for this account today, and I cannot begin to describe how touching it was to see how many of you have replied to this thread; knowing that people understand where I'm coming from and want to help me is so incredible. So first and foremost, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for posting on here and reminding me that there is life outside of my mother's issues, you've been such a support! Now for some replying...

IontachSpraoi

jca wrote: »

It's good that you can communicate with her that's certainly a positive development. Has she actually admitted she's an alcoholic? as in " my name is xxxx and I'm an alcoholic " Be careful of the "something happened in my past and that's why I'm like this speel" with an alcoholic it's always someone else's fault,most probably yours you'll be told. Be careful as they're very cunning.

I haven't heard her say this when she is sober, but when she's been drinking she sometimes gets into an 'oh woe is me' type of space and says that's she's an alcoholic- of course she's the victim in every situation... You're 100% right that she shifts the blame onto other people for her own wrongdoings! Thanks so much for the advice!

IontachSpraoi

Amazingfun wrote: »

And just one thing about your mother and her "traumas": I don't speak for everyone in AA ( just myself) but my experience is that very few of us drink because of anything much other than the fact we love drinking. And I mean really really love it....above and beyond family/health/friends etc. This can be extremely difficult to understand, especially for those who love us,and sometimes it takes years for an akie to admit this to themselves- if they reach this place at all.

What I mean is that it's so understandable to want to search for logical "reasons" for our insane behavior with the bottle but in the end it really just comes down to accepting we cannot ever drink again...for any reason at all. "Working on issues"...."understanding ourselves" etc etc.....many of us have jumped down these rabbit holes imagining that if we could only overcome the problems in our lives (real or imagined!) we'd be able to resist the drink. My experience is this is rarely so. We drink- no matter what- until we come to that place of honesty and simply admit defeat.

I wish you the very best and echo those who encourage you to do all you can in getting on with your own life. Trying to help an alcoholic who simply doesn't really want to stop is not just a waste of time....it's a soul-destroying exercise in futility.

And you deserve to be happy Take care.

Thank you for such an insightful post, you wouldn't believe how difficult it is to come across honesty like this on the internet and through other media! I tend to be quite a rational person, so rationalising the situation with my Mum is basically second-nature to me, hence why as you say above it's virtually impossible for me to understand why in the name of every deity above she continues to drink. I've definitely begun to understand how important it is to get along with my own life and stop worrying about my Mother's. Once again, thank you for such wise and honest words!

Also, can I just say how crazy a coincidence it is that we pretty much have the same usernames, except mine is in Irish?!

IontachSpraoi

damok89 wrote: »

Hi Iontach Spraoi,

I read the forums quite a bit and decided to post when I saw your thread. I can totally relate to your post. My father is an alcoholic and I put up with it for 22 years before I made the decision to move out from home. I am 25 now. I am glad to hear that your mam has decided to go to the counselling. Hopefully by talking through some of the trauma she experienced as a child will help her to realise that drinking is not the answer.

I would recommend you go to counselling in your college. It would help and most colleges provide it free of charge I have been getting a bit recently and it has really helped me. Like the other posters said, it's up to her to realise that she has the problem. It's out of your control. What you can do is look after yourself and try to not let the situation get to you. Alateen would help you too I have been looking at going to Al Anon meetings too. I would like to know if there are meetings based around younger people in their mid twenties.

Are you living in Dublin? If you ever want to meet for a coffee or anything, let me know. I can PM you on some details. Talking about things like these makes it easier

Hi damok89!
Thank you so much for replying, it's great to know that I'm not the only one suffering as a result of a parent's alcoholism. I have actually considered going to counselling in college before, particularly during the really bad spells. I've heard of AlAnon/Alateen before, and I think it sounds like an effective support system depending on the severity of the situation. Yes meeting for coffee might be nice some time, I'm probably going to be away for a good part of the Summer but I'll keep you updated on that one, thanks so much for the support!