Lots of Dates but No Sparks? (Yet) - MOD Warning Post #25

route9

Hey lads,

So to keep it short I (mid-30s bloke) have been on a lot of dates over the past few years - nearly all from online dating as I guess that's how we meet people these days. I am of course open to other ways of meeting people but let's face it most dates these days will come from online. Also with mates coupled up and nights becoming far less frequent, it's the main way to go!

Anyway, even though I've been out with at least approx 30 different girls over the past two and a half years or so, I've yet to have a relationship or even a short term fling or whatever come out of any of them.

In the majority of cases it is one date where we both realise there is nothing there and the date amounts to a few drinks and a pleasant chat. In fact, we would usually have the craic and a laugh but it is basically like being out with a female friend at the end of the day.

Then there are a few other cases where I like her and would be open to a second or third date, but she feels there is no spark. Generally though, we both know there is no spark and we move on.

I guess I just want to see if this is something many other gents experience, and if I am missing a trick or something? Maybe it is just a case of persisting, but it just seems like it should be much easier to meet someone, hit it off at least a little, and then it goes from there!

Just going to put up a poll as well to see what the responses are like.

Tigger99

I'm female, but have gone through the same in the past. The only common demoninator was me, and my online dating profile. Realised that it was attracting guys I didn't fancy. Maybe ask a female friend to look at it as a first step.

The other thing is, maybe a spark might take a date or two. Maybe you aren't giving it long enough.

Best of luck with it.

route9

Tigger99 wrote: »

I'm female, but have gone through the same in the past. The only common demoninator was me, and my online dating profile. Realised that it was attracting guys I didn't fancy. Maybe ask a female friend to look at it as a first step.

The other thing is, maybe a spark might take a date or two. Maybe you aren't giving it long enough.

Best of luck with it.

Cheers Tigger, I don't think it's a case of attracting girls I don't fancy - although in some cases they have looked a bit different to their profile.


Then there have also been a few instances where I would have been open to a second or third date, but they didn't feel it was going anywhere.

Thought there'd be more replies by now and that this would be a fairly common occurrence!

todders

route9 wrote: »

Hey lads,

So to keep it short I (mid-30s bloke) have been on a lot of dates over the past few years - nearly all from online dating as I guess that's how we meet people these days. I am of course open to other ways of meeting people but let's face it most dates these days will come from online. Also with mates coupled up and nights becoming far less frequent, it's the main way to go!

Anyway, even though I've been out with at least approx 30 different girls over the past two and a half years or so, I've yet to have a relationship or even a short term fling or whatever come out of any of them.

In the majority of cases it is one date where we both realise there is nothing there and the date amounts to a few drinks and a pleasant chat. In fact, we would usually have the craic and a laugh but it is basically like being out with a female friend at the end of the day.

Then there are a few other cases where I like her and would be open to a second or third date, but she feels there is no spark. Generally though, we both know there is no spark and we move on.

I guess I just want to see if this is something many other gents experience, and if I am missing a trick or something? Maybe it is just a case of persisting, but it just seems like it should be much easier to meet someone, hit it off at least a little, and then it goes from there!

Just going to put up a poll as well to see what the responses are like.

If you think that's short I bet tonnes of woman would want to go out with you

route9

todders wrote: »

If you think that's short I bet tonnes of woman would want to go out with you

Hahahaha

Mantis Toboggan

Do you spend long messaging them online before you agree to meet up? Where do you usually meet them? Have you ever got more than 2 or 3 dates?

route9

I tend to write lots as I am a writer as well part-time

ancapailldorcha

Guys, please use the Online Dating forum for discussion of online dating. Anyone without access can request it from knucklehead6, miamee or BDJW.

strobe

It sounds like you aren't sleeping with any of these women? Just because there's no spark when you are sitting across from someone you just met having a conversation doesn't mean they won't be flying left right and centre once you get naked with each other. Ride them.

fits

When you meet someone via online dating, the cards are already on the table so to speak, possibly removing the frisson from the first encounter. I wonder if that's part of the lack of spark?

route9

strobe wrote: »

It sounds like you aren't sleeping with any of these women? Just because there's no spark when you are sitting across from someone you just met having a conversation doesn't mean they won't be flying left right and centre once you get naked with each other. Ride them.

Em, like just say 'oh sure let's have a second date where we jump into bed...'?!

Tigger99

Yeah but you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to have chemistry. I suppose it is that sexual tension, that attraction to each other that is chemistry. I would say that a snog does help chemistry, slightly contradicting myself

Have you asked any of those girls that didn't want a second/third date the reason for it? Surely you must be feeling chemistry then if you want another date. If it's them that isn't feeling it, then I'd say again, that you need to maybe ask why, ask a female friend or a girlfriend of a mate, that you trust for advice.

fits

Well you should definitely try and kiss if they are agreeable to it.

strobe

route9 wrote: »

Em, like just say 'oh sure let's have a second date where we jump into bed...'?!

Well not in so many words. But do you make a move? Go for a kiss? Turn the conversation flirty? That kind of thing?

Ah don't listen to me man, I'm essentially a moron.

Edit: Actually I've had one of my trademark changes of heart. Do listen to me. I'm bang on the money. I've never been more right about anything in my life.

route9

Tyson Fury wrote: »

Do you spend long messaging them online before you agree to meet up? Where do you usually meet them? Have you ever got more than 2 or 3 dates?

No not long at all - maybe a week and sometimes not even that long. I never wait to long to ask them out.

Would usually just meet up for a drink usually on a Friday or Saturday night in town at a decent bar.

The odd time - the latest was actually about 9-10 dates where we were technically going out but it didn't feel like it. She was flaky and probably immature and prob too young for me (she was mid-20s).

In most cases it is maybe 1-3 dates and then it goes nowhere after that. For example, the last girl I dated we went on 3 dates and we didn't text after the last one as I think we both knew there was nothing happening.

route9

Oh - yes there has been snogging on first and subsequent dates with some - but in most cases it is just two people who are more friends than two people sitting together where there is definitely 'something' going on.

With one girl we spent most of the night snogging but it was just the one date.

route9

strobe wrote: »

Well not in so many words. But do you make a move? Go for a kiss? Turn the conversation flirty? That kind of thing?

Ah don't listen to me man, I'm essentially a moron.

Edit: Actually I've had one of my trademark changes of heart. Do listen to me. I'm bang on the money. I've never been more right about anything in my life.

Ah yeah I know what you mean, but I suppose in most cases that just doesn't arise as it is all feeling very platonic...then again maybe I should be a bit more forward with the ones I do like. However if the girl thinks differently then it doesn't really work!

fits

I dunno then. For me I found meeting people through hobbies better than online. There was something about it I just didn't like - probably the aforementioned cards on the table thing. But that was a few years ago and I would say things are different now.

Mantis Toboggan

I always try to end the first date with a kiss on the cheek while also asking if they were interested in a second date.

Second date a proper snog and third date try to get them back to my bed. Even if you get turned down it let's them think that you like them and you'll probably get it on the fourth or fifth date.

The key to a spark is definitely getting to know them better. Be really flirty one minute then play hard to get, drives them nuts

Do some fun activities and get them out of their comfort zone!

route9

fits wrote: »

I dunno then. For me I found meeting people through hobbies better than online. There was something about it I just didn't like - probably the aforementioned cards on the table thing. But that was a few years ago and I would say things are different now.

Yeah my theory on it is that it's the 'cold start' problem. Even though you've been chatting online, it's no predictor of how you will gel in real life, and someone can turn out to be different in real life than the way you expect (not in a bad way, just different).

Whereas with meeting in real life first, you can pick up very quickly on any vibes and it can progress from there.

mg1982

route9 wrote: »

Hey lads,

So to keep it short I (mid-30s bloke) have been on a lot of dates over the past few years - nearly all from online dating as I guess that's how we meet people these days. I am of course open to other ways of meeting people but let's face it most dates these days will come from online. Also with mates coupled up and nights becoming far less frequent, it's the main way to go!

Anyway, even though I've been out with at least approx 30 different girls over the past two and a half years or so, I've yet to have a relationship or even a short term fling or whatever come out of any of them.

In the majority of cases it is one date where we both realise there is nothing there and the date amounts to a few drinks and a pleasant chat. In fact, we would usually have the craic and a laugh but it is basically like being out with a female friend at the end of the day.

Then there are a few other cases where I like her and would be open to a second or third date, but she feels there is no spark. Generally though, we both know there is no spark and we move on.

I guess I just want to see if this is something many other gents experience, and if I am missing a trick or something? Maybe it is just a case of persisting, but it just seems like it should be much easier to meet someone, hit it off at least a little, and then it goes from there!

Just going to put up a poll as well to see what the responses are like.

Been on POF for at least 2 years and had zero dates and very few message responses so i wouldnt get too downhearted mate. At least you are getting dates out of it. I also think with online dating its much harder to make an impression on women as there always thinking someone better will come along, unless you really strike it lucky.

s15r330

I became single about 1.5 years ago after 5 years, joined a couple of dating sites then.
In the last 1.5 years I went on close to 70 or 80 dates I reckon, sometimes 2 or 3 in one weekend.
Slept with a few of them, never saw others more than once.
No real spark with any of them.
About a month ago I met an amazing girl, sparks flying from both sides, she'll be meeting my parents this week
Sometimes it seems like you're never going to meet the right one, but you will!
Be yourself, be confident and don't be afraid to be a little forward.

route9

s15r330 wrote: »

I became single about 1.5 years ago after 5 years, joined a couple of dating sites then.
In the last 1.5 years I went on close to 70 or 80 dates I reckon, sometimes 2 or 3 in one weekend.
Slept with a few of them, never saw others more than once.
No real spark with any of them.
About a month ago I met an amazing girl, sparks flying from both sides, she'll be meeting my parents this week
Sometimes it seems like you're never going to meet the right one, but you will!
Be yourself, be confident and don't be afraid to be a little forward.

Nice one mate.

70 or 80 dates? Must have been a full-time job! Did you meet this girl online?

I am confident already but I think I should be more forward with the girls that I do like. Granted there are only a few cases where I go 'oh yeah', but when that does happen I should probably be more forward. I am never shy about going in for a kiss or a snog but maybe it's more about showing more interest in them and making my intentions more known or something.

ancapailldorcha

Right, I'm closing this. Anyone who so wishes can discuss online dating on the appropriate forum.

ancapailldorcha

Thread re-opened after discussion with the OP. Any more discussion of online dating will result in mod action. I've explained previously how to obtain access to the relevant forum.

Tigger99

I've sometimes been on 2 or 3 first dates in a week as mentioned by another poster. I think that makes it harder to get a spark as there are other distractions.

OP would you be the same maybe?

Galwayguy35

route9 wrote: »

Oh - yes there has been snogging on first and subsequent dates with some - but in most cases it is just two people who are more friends than two people sitting together where there is definitely 'something' going on.

With one girl we spent most of the night snogging but it was just the one date.

Wouldn't 2 people still be strangers meeting for the first time through OL dating, very unusual to kiss on the first date I would have thought.

Never happened to me anyway.

But to answer the question, I would be in the same boat, chatting online first and meeting up and it leads nowhere seems to be the norm for me these days.

siblers

From my own experience, I've met up with girls who I only messaged for a few days and other girls who I've messaged for 2 or 3 weeks. Some girls I messaged a lot, other times it was just some small talk and then we arranged to meet. I found that girls who I knew little about I was a bit more relaxed as there was less expectation and I hadn't built up a liking to them as much as girls who I had been texting frequently but in general it made no difference as to whether we were compatible or not. I've met girls who I've had loads in common with, other i've had little in common with but personally I don't think it makes any difference as you either click or you don't.

I was starting to think that this spark was a load of nonsense, there were some girls who I liked and got on well with and I kinda hoped chemistry would build but it never did, so it usually faded quite quickly, however I met one girl in February and within about 5 minutes of meeting her I was absolutley smitten and I finally figured out what this spark/chemistry thing was all about. Until you meet up with someone you have no idea if there is a spark or not.

ancapailldorcha

Right. I've just noticed that threads on dating in general are prohibited under the charter. Closed.