Am I mad to be considering this?

wbt

santana75 wrote: »

I'm sorry but real chemistry doesn't fade, its always there. When you have a genuine connection with someone and you yourself are a healthy person, then issues like who earns more or who wants to go on holidays when Dont matter. Its not about lists and things, attraction and real connection aren't quantifiable. That's why internet dating is inherently flawed, because its people reading each others rap sheets and thinking because they both like long walks, earn the same amount of money or both have GSOH, that they're suited. It doesn't work like that, never has and never will.

I think that's just naive. Someone who is ambitious and has quite a jetset lifestyle is going to eventually clash with someone who is happy to earn minimum wage and never go outside Ireland. That's what happened to me - in the end the differences between us just got too much. Those things matter way, way more when the initial lust phase wears off (and it DOES fade, unless you're the exception to every single other couple I've ever met). I started to resent that my life was restricted because I was with someone who had no real interests, hobbies or ambition and was happy to spend all his money in the pub rather than saving up to go somewhere exciting, or even taking the initiative to try something new. A lack of ambition and curiosity about the world is a HUGE turn off to me and I suspect the OP feels the same. If she pursues this relationship, she may well come to resent him in the future.

freenow

OP, reading your latest post I think you are being really sensible and honest. You paint quite a different picture and actually I admire you for taking the issue of your bf child so seriously.

As a lone parent myself I can tell you that there are definitely a lot of compromises to be made (you are making them already) and he will always have his child and ex partner in his life. It's a lot to consider and being a potential step parent is not for everyone.

Yes, I can see how the issue of him being a bit flighty with jobs (30+ is a lot!) would be offputting if you are looking to the future possibly getting married and having kids.

You probably already know deep down what it is you want to do. Perhaps you are both more incompatible than it first seemed?

Big Bag of Chips

I'm married to a man who has a child from a previous relationship. We never had a weekend to ourselves for a ling number of years. My sister is married to a man with full custody of his children. My cousin's marriage broke down just after the birth of her child. She is now with a man with his own children. My other cousin was widowed young and has a child.

It is possible to have a happy relationship with a parent. You just have to want it. If it's not what you want, then you shouldn't drag it out for much longer.

santana75

wbt wrote: »

I think that's just naive. Someone who is ambitious and has quite a jetset lifestyle is going to eventually clash with someone who is happy to earn minimum wage and never go outside Ireland. That's what happened to me - in the end the differences between us just got too much. Those things matter way, way more when the initial lust phase wears off (and it DOES fade, unless you're the exception to every single other couple I've ever met). I started to resent that my life was restricted because I was with someone who had no real interests, hobbies or ambition and was happy to spend all his money in the pub rather than saving up to go somewhere exciting, or even taking the initiative to try something new. A lack of ambition and curiosity about the world is a HUGE turn off to me and I suspect the OP feels the same. If she pursues this relationship, she may well come to resent him in the future.

But you've made this about yourself and not the op. Just because you had a certain experience doesn't mean its the same story for everyone else. And to dismiss another viewpoint as naive is massively condescending and blinkered. True connection and chemistry does last, it's been my own personal experience and that of others I know. Not everyone tries to "encourage" their partners to travel or do things, the healthiest relationships I know of are the ones where each person accepts the other and doesn't try to run their lives or become judgemental because the other person won't agree to conform to their expectations. That's being a control freak and it's the opposite of love. People who love each other dont try to control each other and to be with a person who does that kind of thing is an absolute nightmare. Being with someone who tries to enmesh themselves in another persons life like that is a massive red flag.
Let people be themselves, and you look after your own life. If you do that then two healthy people will come together and not judge or try to control each other

MrWalsh

santana75 wrote: »

But you've made this about yourself and not the op.

santana75 wrote: »

True connection and chemistry does last, it's been my own personal experience and that of others I know.

:rolleyes:

As you have delightfully illustrated, we can all only advise based on our own experiences.

I also think it's a very naive view that chemistry overrides all else. A marriage has many facets, chemistry is only one of them. The fact of divorce and separation statistics clearly show that in many cases true connection and chemistry do not last. I'm sure anyone who has ever divorced would tell you that they also thought their true connection would last, they'd hardly get married thinking otherwise eh?

The OP is absolutely correct to be asking the questions she is now, before the relationship gets more serious.

Big Bag of Chips

ENOUGH! There has already been one mod warning in this thread to stick to offering advice to the OP. Personal Issues is an advice forum, where posters post asking for advice. Reply offering advice or don't post. Do not drag other posters into general discussion. General discussion is not offering the OP advice on her specific issue.

If you feel the need to argue a point with another poster, please take it to PM.

Cards will be issued from this point.

IlmoNT4

OP I read your first post and then your second post.

I think you are dead right to look at this guy and the future you want. Honestly if you are to continue in a relationship with him then you will have to make most of the allowances for his child. I think its a good thing that you are thinking about this. This is your life and your future.

The reality is, you want a partner who you can have a family with, you also want a partner who you are free to date on a Saturday night, and I think I understand that you want your relationship to be between both of you, not something that is you, him, his child and his ex partner which all have to be managed and considered.
Yes I would be concerned that a man of his age has had over 30 jobs and hasnt built a secure future for his child...never mind any future children that may come along. If you stay with him, then you may end up being the bread winner for both families.
The other sad reality OP is that time is not on your side, if you were 24 I'd say give it a go, but you dont have that kind of time. Especially if you want kids. The best advice anyone ever told me was you have to look at finding a partner like a project, know what you are looking for and go after that. You are not going to meet someone suitable for you if your going out with this guy.
You are not happy, you've posted to an online forum....your gut it telling you, time to get out and you are right

orthsquel

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

However after a few relationships and friendships where I have always been the one compromising its worn me down to be honest.

Base compromising on your current experience with this guy, not the past with friends or ex's.

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

The thing is I can overlook the job issue and lack of qualifications.

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

However I do agree that with some help and support a person can take a different direction and can go on to achieve more in their life.

Just be careful if perhaps that you consider that with some encouragement he might go back to college or get a better job that is going to go somewhere. That may not necessarily be what he wants, even if it is a possibility and might be quite happy with the set up he has. He may not think that he will go on to achieve more in his life that what he has already - he may see being a dad as achievement enough, and other stuff in life not relevant to career as achievements. It seems to me that with work, he has stability even if there's never a chance of promotion and perhaps working hours that suit with fitting his son in his life. Other jobs, getting qualifications are all well and good, however may not bring anything but instability or expectations of working late or on call weekends, or balancing work, study and a son.

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

But the fact he is still has a child which has time, financial and emotional implications for any future relationship. In order to comply with childcare arrangements he has to work weekends so I'm already compromising in that regard. We see each other during the week but it's often late at night which leaves me running late for work the next morning which can't go on either. It's all well and good to say we can work around it but so far it has been at my expense.

You need to talk with him about making arrangements... the son is going to take preference in making arrangements, if you are to sit and talk with him about when you meet up or that current arrangements aren't working you have to offer some sort of solution, rather than just a problem and leaving it up to him to give more.... you have to remember he is already giving time to his son, his work, to you and somewhere time for himself or his parents too, perhaps. He may have a very limited scope to offer any compromise and you might need to prepare yourself for that. And then you might have to decide for yourself whether you can continue on as is, with maybe a few changes, or not. It probably will be a take-it-or-leave it situation with arrangements though.

Re children and getting serious - has he given you any indication about having kids in the future with someone, as in very generally? That may be something you will have to address if and should the relationship become more serious.

You may have to just face up to the fact that while you like this guy, and he treats you well, what he is offering you just isn't enough for you.

Addle

wbt wrote: »

the initial lust phase wears off (and it DOES fade, unless you're the exception to every single other couple I've ever met)

I find that statement very sad.

zeffabelli

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote whole post.

Other women who have dated or married single fathers are not going to have the answer for you because everyone's situation is different.

Some women can handle step motherhood and some women can't.

Secondly, single fathers are all different too. Some hardly see their child[ren] and will have plenty of time for you and others will have more time commitments.

Some might not want more kids and others, knowing painfully they will never ever live with one(s) they do have will have a strong yearning to set up a nest and have a child they can live with.

You have to look at him as an individual with his circumstances and not compare to others. Just like every individual has circumstances which bind them. You could date a doctor with no kids and never see him. Or someone with a disability or cancer.

If you already feel like you are being stretched by compromise then call it a day because when the child gets involved, you will be expected to form a relationship with that child and then you will really be called upon to compromise.

meeeeh

I don't know. I think some people were being overly harsh. For me the child is the least of a problem. He lives with his parents, he is losing his house despite being in full employment, he had over 30 minimum wage jobs, there is no progression in his work. Forget jet setting life style, that sounds to me like someone who runs away from any problem or challenge he encounters.

Op I don't think anyone can tell you weather you should stay in a relationship or not but I think you are right to be careful.

Mourinho

Jaysus if this craic of not considering being with a partner who earns considerably more/less than you was as common an attitude in real life as it is on boards 99% of the couples I know would be broken up! ****in hell.

wbt

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't know. I think some people were being overly harsh. For me the child is the least of a problem. He lives with his parents, he is losing his house despite being in full employment, he had over 30 minimum wage jobs, there is no progression in his work. Forget jet setting life style, that sounds to me like someone who runs away from any problem or challenge he encounters.

Op I don't think anyone can tell you weather you should stay in a relationship or not but I think you are right to be careful.

This is the issue. He doesn't sound like a well functioning adult. I would not be up for dealing with someone like this.

listermint

wbt wrote: »

This is the issue. He doesn't sound like a well functioning adult. I would not be up for dealing with someone like this.

I guess the term Minimum wage job is subjective too. i.e. Is is actually a minimum wage job or just a job that people would coin 'minimum wage' by its standard.

Some people do actually do this.

We do not know enough about this person to be making any judgement on him or there relationship. I suppose that is why it is hard to be subjective or give real valid advise.

OP you should prob speak to a range of close friends as they may have a closer relationship to all of this. And make your mind up off that.

Either way best of luck.

Dark Phoenix

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't know. I think some people were being overly harsh. For me the child is the least of a problem. He lives with his parents, he is losing his house despite being in full employment, he had over 30 minimum wage jobs, there is no progression in his work. Forget jet setting life style, that sounds to me like someone who runs away from any problem or challenge he encounters.

Op I don't think anyone can tell you weather you should stay in a relationship or not but I think you are right to be careful.

I'd agree. I went out with someone who had kids for a long time. It is not easy and its not for everyone and its not something I'd suggest anyone go into with eyes wearing rose tinted glasses. A man who has children has a financial obligation to them / the ex until they are 18 - 22 approx. That man also has a relationship with his ex partner and will for that time. You will never be that mans priority or his number one. Now some people will gloss over that for you and tell you it is not a big deal - but it is. When two people who do not have kids meet and become long term partners they are usually each others priority and number one hence the phrase 'other half'. When you go out with someone with kids you will never be that and that can be really hard. In the relationship I was in there were five of us - me, him, his ex and his two kids. Most of the time it worked but I would never say it was easy. My partner also had financial issues and it was really hard supporting him through it. Its awful going out with someone feeling sorry for them due to their circumstances and at the same time feeling guilty for being better off.

I previously went out with someone else who had a child and had financial issues and lived at home with parents etc. Again it wasnt easy.

I would never again put myself in the same situation, i'd rather be single. I think having tried it for eleven years I am entitled to have that opinion without being bashed for it.

Its up to each of us to determine what makes a partner appealing to us. That will differ from person to person. This man to me would not be attractive as there is so much emotional issues and problems between him having kids, being divorced / sperated, having financial issues and stresses and losing his home. It woud im afraid be too much for me. Some people wouldnt care and would be with him as he has a great personality and is a lovely person. Each to their own. Relationships are meant to be enjoyable so if you are having doubts I'd sit down and think about what you really want. Dont settle for going out with someone you dont respect and / or dont see as someone you want to be with long term.

Dog of Tears

Personally I'd find the of lack of ambition you describe, deeply unattractive traits in a potential partner.

The fact that he has a kid further complicates things.


If it was me, I'd cut and run now - life's too short,

dellas1979

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

The thing is I can overlook the job issue and lack of qualifications.

No, you cant based on the next part.

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

However I do agree that with some help and support a person can take a different direction and can go on to achieve more in their life.

Ah youve already agreed in your head what you think is best for him. This is a joke.

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

If I'm totally honest it's the fact that he a child that is more of an issue for me.

Those small human beings getting in the way.

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

I've missed him a lot over the last couple of days and breaking up with him would really upset me to be honest.

Really, now. Ill put on the jackboot to give you the kick in your arse. This man is a father. And you will not be doing anything to change that.

Change change change, thats all I read from the above (to suit your needs). Why dont you try change yourself instead?

LegacyUser

Op here again,

I have read through the various replies which have been posted since I first posted a couple of days ago. The one insight I have as a result of looking for advice on this is that everyone has a different viewpoint. I do regret the manner in which I articulated my feelings on the matter in my original post. Unfortunately I can't take that back but the feedback has given me some food for thought. I appreciate the time people have taken to post, it has helped me see a different viewpoint from my own however I would like if the mods could lock the thread from this point on.

Thanks again.