Failed breastfeeder

Kauto0709

Hi all, I have a newborn (10 days old now). I had planned to breastfed but after 3 days in the hospital trying to get her to latch with help from the midwives and lactation consultant, they let me go home with the advice to rent a hospital grade Medela pump and pump 3hrly every day and night. I got the pump the next day and started off well trying to pump 3hrly but a week on and I am strongly considering giving up. Between feeding her, winding her, changing her, settling her back to sleep, it is nearly time to go all over again with little time to myself to eat or sleep and trying to express on top of that is just too much. I really feel I can't cope with the pressure, I want to stop expressing and just formula feed but then I feel like a failure. There is so much pressure out there to breastfeed and I already feel judged for expressing rather than having her on the breast. I don't want to let my daughter down but I am just so tired and I really don't feel I can go on expressing on top of everything else :-(

endacl

Do what works for you and your baby.

Congratulations.

LegacyUser

Kauto0709 wrote: »

Hi all, I have a newborn (10 days old now). I had planned to breastfed but after 3 days in the hospital trying to get her to latch with help from the midwives and lactation consultant, they let me go home with the advice to rent a hospital grade Medela pump and pump 3hrly every day and night. I got the pump the next day and started off well trying to pump 3hrly but a week on and I am strongly considering giving up. Between feeding her, winding her, changing her, settling her back to sleep, it is nearly time to go all over again with little time to myself to eat or sleep and trying to express on top of that is just too much. I really feel I can't cope with the pressure, I want to stop expressing and just formula feed but then I feel like a failure. There is so much pressure out there to breastfeed and I already feel judged for expressing rather than having her on the breast. I don't want to let my daughter down but I am just so tired and I really don't feel I can go on expressing on top of everything else :-(

You have in no way let your daughter down or failed her. The fact that she has had 10 days of breast milk is great.

It would be worse for both you and your daughter to be stressed out, tired etc.

Whatever works for you will work for your daughter so don't worry. Try to relax and enjoy these early days.

And congrats

Rua1

First of all, you are absolutely not a failure. You need to eat and you need to sleep. I know how hard those early days are, but you also need to look after yourself too, it's much better for baby that you are rested and well fed than you being up all the time trying to pump. I know, I've been there. I was in a similar situation to yourself and I ended up combination feeding. However, this was my decision, what is right for me may not work for you.

Congratulations on your little girl, and it really does get easier. I didn't believe when people said that, but now, nearly 8 months in, it's great.

cyning

Congratulations on baba

First of all expressing is extremely hard work so you have done amazingly well so far. Please try let the judgement go: as parents a lot of us feel judged: judged for breastfeeding, judged for not, judged for starting solids judged for not... You need to figure out what works for you. Expressing isn't working for you so you don't have to keep going. The only thing is to not stop suddenly or you will be at risk of mastitis. So you need to cut down the pumping slowly.

If that's not what you want and you'd like to breastfeed Id highly recommend seeing a private lactation consultant: they are much better than the ones in hospital and can see if there's a reason baby won't latch like tongue tie etc. But only if that's what you want don't let anybody pressure you either which way. Baby will be fine no matter what x happy mum happy baby may sound trite but I really think it's true.

kandr10

its extremely difficult to pump and feed especially when you're partners back in work. You have a few options though. You could see if you could get a lactation consultant out to help you relatch. You could combination feed so that you only pump once a day. Or you could switch entirely to formula. Do whichever you feel most comfortable with. Perhaps speaking to a phn/lactation consultant etc might help so they can discuss how to go about whichever option. It needn't be as black and white as it might appear to you now. Youre doing what's right for your daughter and you so you're rested enough to look after her. fair play to you for expressing until now. Many would have given up long before.

painauchocolat

Congratulations on the new arrival! as another poster said, do what works.. When I stopped breastfeeding, I decided I would only accept criticism from those willing to show up and act as wetnurse. All others could keep their thoughts to themselves.

Delphinium

Before you give up check that your baby is not tongue tied. Stops baby latching on properly. But don't worry if you go on formula. Breast feeding came easily to me and I nursed for 12 months both babies. Didn't stop my eldest getting cancer and dying before his seventh birthday. So be a happy Mum and show anyone who lacks empathy the door. Enjoy baby.

volchitsa

Congratulations and don't worry!! Whether she's breastfed or not won't make a difference to your relationship or to how well you look after her.

As for the actual problem of not feeding, breast feeding can be a bit tricky to get started, and when you have no-one who can really be there every time you need help in the first few days it can be soul destroying, I know, I've been there!

I was ready to pack it in with my first after a couple of weeks, because I was getting literally nothing else done. But before you give up try to get someone to help, a lactation counsellor for example, because if you do get the hang of it, it just simplifies everything else for the next several months - no bottles to sterilize, no running out of milk at night, nothing.

And if in the end you do give up, like I said, don't worry, I have a friend whose baby wouldnt latch on, lactation counsellors, family, everyone tried to help, but I think it can get to a point where the stress of things not working makes it all worse. In the end she gave up and bottle fed, and the child survived perfectly - and since then they've had two others and breast feeding has gone absolutely without a hitch.

So these things happen. But like I say, just for your own sake, if it can work it's great, and if you feel it's just to much for you, then forget it for this time, and maybe next time it will all sort itself out!

Let us know either way, won't you?
But most of all don't feel bad about it! It has to be whatever works best for you. The baby will always do best when you feel happier. keep that in mind.

bean14

You are not a failure. I managed a few days thanks to midwives who helped me latch on. She was bottle fed from day five and mentally and physically I am happy with this. The pressure is huge but just do what you think is best. Enjoy your baby xxx

volchitsa

Delphinium wrote: »

Before you give up check that your baby is not tongue tied. Stops baby latching on properly. But don't worry if you go on formula. Breast feeding came easily to me and I nursed for 12 months both babies. Didn't stop my eldest getting cancer and dying before his seventh birthday. So be a happy Mum and show anyone who lacks empathy the door. Enjoy baby.

I didn't see this, you posted when I was typing, I'm so sorry Delphinium.
I don't know what to say.
All my love, really.

mapaca

Don't be too hard on yourself, expressing full time is bloody hard work and you're doing really well and giving it a proper go, fair play to you. I second the advice to speak to the public health nurse and/or the lactation consultant again and trying to get the latch right again. It's a steep learning curve, getting the hang of breastfeeding. You are only ten days in, you are not a failure, you're doing your best! It gets easier, I promise. X

Das Kitty

It's okay to stop OP.

You are a great mum.

xx

lazygal

Don't quit on a difficult day op. I know it's easier said than done but I was ready to quit both times. Is there any way you could take to the bed and cluster feed for a few days? I found feeding lying down a sanity saver as I could relax while feeding. Either way don't be hard on yourself.

cyning

Babys not latching at all so cluster feeding won't help in this case...

Kauto0709

Thanks everybody for all the advice and supportive messages. It's just so hard to know what to do for the best. I will keep going at what I'm doing for another few days anyway and try make a decision then that's best for me and baby.

bp

I was told that even one bf a day gives babba the required antibodies so maybe try combination feeding???

I am a firm believer in happy mammy = happy baby.

Whatever route you take you aren't a failure, take care of yourself and congratulations

Millem

10 days is amazing, well done.

OP I was exactly where you are last year. Exclusively pumping is torture. It is triple the amount of work. I managed to do it for 5 weeks and tbh I was an anti Christ to be around, I was just so exhausted. Those 5 weeks passed in a blur. The decision was taken out of my hands to stop as I literally stopped producing milk from exhaustion.

When I switched to formula I didn't know myself....I had so much more time to spend with my baby and I was definately happier.
My advice is to either pay for a lacation consultant to come to the house to try and get baby to latch or (I hate to say) switch to formula.
I was so fed up with midwives pulling at me (for 8 days) trying to get the baby to latch I didn't pay for a lactation consultant which I regret.

At the time when I stopped I didn't feel failure as I was just too wrecked.....it was months after. I always had this idea I would feed until the child was at least 1 maybe longer !!!!! Lol!!!


Forgot to say...have you tried nipple shields? If not multi mam (you get them in mccabes) are meant to be brill, I haves tried medela (you get them in boots).

Woshy

First of all - if you want to stop, do. You need to do what is best for your family and pumping is hard work. As others have said, you will feel judged for lots of things but you need to look after yourself and baba. You've done a great job pumping this long.

Secondly, I couldn't get my baba to latch on and pumped for a week. I had a lactation consultant (not a private one, the one attached to my health centre. I didn't pay for it. My PHN organised it) come to the house after a week and she told me to try again, just to see. I did and baba latched on fine. He didn't actually have a reason for not latching - he just hadn't copped how to do it but a week on a bottle with expressed milk seemed to help him. It may be worth you trying again. I breastfed no problem after that.

As above I also used nipple shields. Lots of women will tell you how awful they are for baba's latching etc if you mention them. I had so many people (and by that I mean other mothers) being quite nasty when I said I was using them, as if they were the devil's work because they're not recommended in general unless there is a specific issue. However, the lactation consultant suggested them to me due to flat nipples and they allowed me to exclusively breastfeed for 5 months so screw them! The Mothercare ones suited me best as they were smallest. I'm pregnabt with number 2 now and have them ready in my hospital bag for this time and I just dare a midwife to have a go at me about them!

Typer Monkey

Hi OP, hope you're feeling better this morning. I want to post some words of reassurance but I have to preface them with the following caveats first:

I formula fed exclusively from birth and never wanted to breastfeed and I'm in no way encouraging you to give up or in any way suggesting that formula feeding is preferable.

With that said, I just want to reassure you (if you do decide that switching to formula is best for you and your situation) that I have a very healthy, happy, intelligent, chatty, funny two year old who I have a fantastic bond with who was formula fed from birth. She's had one anti biotic in her whole life and is a healthy weight, very tall, a great eater and sleeper and generally an all round legend ;-)

You should do what is best for your health and happiness but rest assured that switching to formula does not mean that you've failed your baby. Your baby will be much happier with a calm and relaxed and happy mammy.

Good luck with your journey and congrats on your lovely baby

Sligo1

OP fair play to you for exclusively pumping. I don't know how you are coping tbh. I exclusively breastfed but also pumped once per day to build up a stash. I even found that once per day torture. My friend exclusively pumped for 5 weeks and I think she deserves a medal! There's no way I could've done that.

That said, I really don't think waiting a few days is a good idea. It seems you are nearly at breaking point now and exclusovely pumping doesn't seem to be working for you. I would get onto a private lactation consultant TODAY. I know 2 extremely good ones in the Dublin area if you are in Dublin who will most probably take your call even today (St Patrick's day). If you wish to continue bfing they will help you correct the latch and give you wonderful support. This would be my first bit of advice. If you wait a few days you may decide to switch to formula becaise you are so exhausted when you really did want to continue breastfeeding.

If correcting the latch does not work then maybe combine feed or switch exclusively formula. At the end of the day OP you need to do what's best for you and your baby and what makes you guys happy. A tired emotionally drained mum is not what baby needs. And you need to be enjoying this time with your baby.

Whatever you decide DO NOT feel guilty. There is waaaay to much guilt associated with parenting. I should know I started a thread on it after my 2nd baby was born. I started to feel guilty for giving her an expressed bottle of milk when she was 4 months old.... Seriously like wtf! And I yiem felt guilty for starting her on formula after exclusively bfing for 8 months! Again... Wtf???

Don't feel guilty! You are a great mum and you are doing your best. Just don't make decisions when you are tired and irritable. Best of luck and congratulations.

moving_home

I'm a failed breastfeeder also. My daughter is now 7 weeks. Due to terrible advice and support in the hospital my daughter stopped latching after a couple of days. I tried and tried to get her to latch where we had hours of a battle and her screaming etc. I wasn't enjoying her as I only got crying upset baby and my husband had to take her to settle her and he was getting all the nice cuddles so I decided to pump instead. This was better but when he went back to work I couldn't keep it up. By the time I fed her, winded and then pumped it was time for her next feed and I wasn't getting time to rest or eat. Then trying to organise around visitors etc and I found the whole thing so exhausting so I ended up stopping pumping. I made the decision in the middle of the day after a relatively good night as I didn't want to do anything rash. My daughter is now formula fed and I still feel guilty.

OP, please take this from a parent much further down the tracks.
It's truly not the be all and end all that it seems right now. It really isn't, and I'm saying this as a mother who breastfed.

I'm not minimising your feelings and emotions around breastfeeding, because I had them too. At the extremely intense newborn stage everything is magnified. You've just given birth! You're knackered!

You are not a failure if you quit. And it's really nobody else's business anyway. You are the best mother for your daughter.

I absolutely promise you there's a long, challenging, winding, rollercoaster ride beyond the first months and years of parenting. Breastfeeding is to me now, a distant memory, a small part of the early days. I look back on it the way I look back on babygros and muslin cloths, in the far distant past.

If you want to contact a lactation consultant, do it today and give it your best shot. If you want to stop, just stop.
You are the boss, not the PHN or the GP or any over zealous randomer online.

LegacyUser

Hello,
Had to reply to your post as I was in your exact position 8 months ago. Baby never latched in hospital so I was sent home pumping. He had a tongue tie which was picked up & snipped, but to be honest it didn't make any difference! I pumped for the first 6 weeks. My only regret was not getting a lactation consultant out to the house. I spent days going back in to the hospital lactation nurses when I probably should have been in my own bed with baby at my breast. Saying that my wee man is a happy healthy boy and I've come to terms with the fact that it just didn't work for us!

mirrorwall14

You are not a failure at all. I formula fed from birth as I had medication I needed to go back on immediately. Baby is healthy, happy and thriving. I've been great and it's been wonderful to share the load with my husband. I was lucky in that I knew this was going to be the case and I had time to prepare my head for it because there is a lot of pressure to breastfeed. However what I will say is that there has been no judgement at all since the birth, most of it seemed to be beforehand. I've not had a single comment on the bottles except discussions about bottle tops.

I have watched a friend go through hell for three weeks with breast feeding and I honestly say if it is not working either get a lactation consultant today or stop because it can destroy the happiness of your first weeks with the baby. If it works or you can get it to work, it's wonderful, if not it's very tough

Make a decision today hun, don't leave yourself up in the air. You sound exhausted, chin up xxx

painauchocolat

http://time.com/9917/sibling-study-shows-little-difference-between-breast-and-bottle-feeding/

I'm not sure if that link will work (I'm on my phone) but it will hopefully help you deal with any possible feelings of guilt.. Basically, It's a summary in Time of a study done on breastfeeding. They studied families where some children were breastfed and others weren't and found no great difference between them.. They suggest that a lot of the benefits associated with breastfeeding may have a lot to do with the fact that mothers who breastfeed tend to the type of parent who is trying to do their best and so they work hard at all the other bits of parenting as well.. Basically, should you decide to use formula, your baby shouldn't be at a disadvantage.. I don't mean to denigrate breastfeeding in any way, just hoping to stave off any potential guilt!

tinkerbell

OP, you are not a failure. Hospital staff can be absolutely useless when it comes to breastfeeding so it's not surprising that when they couldn't help you get baby to latch, that they just sent you on your way with a pump. Pumping exclusively is a nightmare. It's actually the hardest of all three options between bf, ff and pumping exclusively because you have to pump AND do all the sterilising etc.

You need to get professional help - call a lactation consultant now. Where are you based? An LC will help sort out the latch problems and get you away from that pump so you can enjoy your baby.

I will say though - even if you're breastfeeding and not pumping anymore, the first 6 weeks are very hard and you'll be feeding pretty much non-stop at times but it passes and it does get easier. Don't give up until you get professional help and if you have health insurance, the cost of an LC visit can be part / all refunded.

Marz66

Hi, well done for pumping this far and big congrats on your new baby.

I second calling another LC today. Even if they confirm that for some reason your baby can't latch and that you should pump, then you'll know for definite. Btw, I think it is very rare that a baby CANT feed at the breast but very common for there to be (huge) difficulties doing it. If it's the latter, then the LC will have seen nearly all BF problems out there and should be able to tell you the likelihood of getting from pumping to the breast and how long it might take if it's possible.

If baby can't latch even with help of LC, I would consider changing to formula. Or if you combine fed, the formula feed would give you more time as it is more filling for baby. You'll have given it your everything and shouldn't feel one bit guilty. All a baby wants is a happy mammy to look after them and you deserve to be happy and enjoy this time too.

I would never judge someone for stopping bf after experiencing difficulties, especially an exclusive pumper.

Just to say that I started out exclusively pumping as well and a lactation consultant helped me to latch the baby using nipple shields. He's exclusively fed from the breast now but it did take a long time to get to where we are now. So just to be aware that while there may be a BF solution for you, it may take time. If you decide you don't want to go that road, don't feel bad about it.

Millem

Op I forgot to add this http://www.medicare.ie/medela-supplemental-nursing-system-snstm.html
I think this could of helped me as baby goes onto the boob so sucks boob and tiny tube which has formula/expressed milk in it. My mum was trying to tell the midwives about it as she saw it being used in Canada but they didn't know what she was on about. My baby had jaundice so I had to measure fluids which added to my problems

I still think though get the lactation consultant I wish I had gotten one.

Pumping is just pure torture

LegacyUser

You aren't a failure OP. I've a 9 month old. I hadn't really strong feelings about bf, but out she came, on she latched and next thing I knew, I was breastfeeding. And I gave it up after 3 weeks. Due to minor health issue on days 2/3, she was started on formula. I combination fed for 3 weeks. Nobody ever told me that was an option. I thought it was breastfeeding or bottle, nothing else - I didn't know you could do both. I gave up at 3 weeks due to having other issues myself, and having to return to hospital. Physically I just couldn't do the breastfeeding after it, I was exhausted, worried about getting the right amount of fluid into my baby (due to her minor health issues and I worried that I didn't know how much she was getting when bf).I felt so guilty for several weeks. But I have since met so many people who couldn't do it and who chose not to do it. I've also met medical people who said anything you can do, is fantastic but don't beat yourself up if you can't/don't carry it on for months.

For my two cents, maybe consider giving the baby a couple of formula feeds in a day to give yourself time/a break.And listen to advice here. You're wrecked tired, overwhelmed, and your life has been turned upside down. Do what you feel you have to. This time will genuinely become a fuzzy memory in no more than a few months time. Make your decision for your needs, don't mind all the opinions you get.

galah

+1 on the combination feeds -the bottle at night (and, gasp!, nipple shields) saved my sanity with our firstborn, and boy did i feel guilty initially. But it'll pass, and as others have said, happy mammy = happy baby.

I never thought breastfeeding could be so hard, honestly, and for me it was pure stubbornness not to throw in the towel, after bleeding nipples, weeks of agony and sheer guilt of apparently not being able to feed my own child. In hindsight, i should have paid for a lactation consultant as well, but as a new mum, you're so overwhelmed with everything, i found it hard even to ask for help.

Do what feels right for you, you know instinctively what's best for you and your baby. Dont let others judge you!

(Incidentally though, on our second child, breastfeeding was so easy, i made the mistake of not introducing a bottle early enough - ended up breastfeeding for a year as babba simply flat out refused bottles. Now that was fun...:()