Almost 3 - advice on discipline following an incident

Branoic

Hi,

Looking for some advice on appropriate discipline for an almost-3 year old. My son is 3 next month. On the whole, he’s a great kid, usually just your typical pushing of boundaries and minor infractions but he’s definitely got some mischief in him, and will frequently think that our warnings are a game or a laugh. We’re mostly using the naughty step these days, and he’ll often keep pushing once he’s had a warning, until he’s put on the step.

One area that I’m increasingly getting frustrated with however is his interaction with other kids. Now, he doesn’t go to a crèche, and spends most of his days being looked after either by his mother or his grandparents, but he doesn’t lack socialization opportunities – he goes to community play groups several times a week, he’s got loads of cousins and our friends’ children around the same age, and he often goes to indoor playzones etc. But he can be quite boisterous and rough when excited and just seems to annoy a lot of kids, and get in their face / personal space a lot.

After he had gone to bed last night my wife told me of a particular incident that happened yesterday that has left me feeling a little sick. She was in a playzone with a couple of her friends and their kids. Being Easter holidays, the place was black and a bit crazy. One of the mother’s spotted a little girl, about 3 as well, sitting on her own crying up the top of the play frame, like she was stuck or frightened or something. When they moved around to get a better look, to my wife’s horror she could see that our son was up there too beside the girl and repeatedly slapping her in the face and laughing. Now he wasn’t belting her or anything, but still. My wife was mortified and climbed straight up the frame to get him. When he saw her coming he squealed and flew down a slide.

When she got back down she scolded him and left with him. She was flustered and upset by the whole thing. This was the first time he’d done something quite so blatantly bold and she didn’t know how best to discipline him. By the time I got home from work it was forgotten about, and she only told me about it after he was in bed so as not to bring it up within his earshot.

How do you handle something like that? 2 or 3 minutes on the naughty step when you get home doesn’t seem appropriate. Was my wife right to not raise it again once I was home, or should she have made an issue of it and should I have voiced my displeasure to him last night? Or even today when I come home from work, now that I do know about it, or is today too late? I’m not trying to compare children to dogs, but I do know from experience with dog training that when correcting them for bad behavior you have to do it immediately and then move on – there’s no point in correcting a dog for something they did even an hour ago, never mind a day ago, because they’ve got no concept of linking the punishment to the behavior. At what stage do children develop that association? When can you introduce punishments that are longer lasting than the naughty step, when behavior is so bad that the naughty step completely insufficient?

Sorry for rambling, we’re a little lost and shaken to be honest. I was bullied a fair bit when I was growing up, and the thought of my own child being cruel to another child, even at this young “innocent” age where he doesn’t really have a concept of other’s feelings, is horrifying to me.

Thanks.

theLuggage

I don't know whether it's too late to discipline or not, but definitely not too late to have a conversation with him. He clearly knew it was wrong as he scarpered down the slide when he saw your wife. How about starting a conversation asking him what happened yesterday in the playzone - get him to tell you what he did and why he did it, if you can. If not tell him what happened and ask is that true? Ask him would he like it if someone did the same to him, how might he feel. Then say that's how that girl felt and how sad it made Mammy and Daddy. You don't have to lay it on thick, just explain. Then I would throw in a consequence to deter him in the future. If there is a particular toy he likes or tv show he watches that you tell him you will take away. I would agree the naughty step doesn't seem the best. I found it eventually outgrows its use anyway - once they don't particularly mind being in it.

SF12

Very good advice above.
Maybe you could ask him does he see any of the other boys and girls/mummy and daddy doing that to others (hopefully no) and how does he think it makes them feel when does things like that.
Myself I think if he's old enough to know that his behaviour is not on, then he's old enough to for you to introduce consequences for it. Although I agree with your point on acting fairly soon after an incident.

Branoic

thanks for the advice folks, appreciated. I think my wife did have another little chat with him this morning, so hopefully that will have had some effect! Whole thing just kinda threw us a bit as its the first time we've had to deal with something like it.

How Strange

I think in this case the discipline has been doled out. Your wife left the play centre so that was an appropriate consequence. However at 3 he should be able to empathise so I'd bring it up in conversation and try to find out why he was slapping the girl. I'd tell him that it made the girl feel very sad and scared. Ask how he would feel if a boy or girl slapped him like that.

At that age you have to try to impress on him that it's not appropriate behaviour but rather than just focusing on punishments, talk to him about his behaviour. Of course there should be discipline and consequences but you also have to help him see why it's not appropriate. I don't think the naughty step is very effective for this age group, or any age group if I'm honest.

If he misbehaves then the consequence should be well communicated. Take away a favourite toy or don't let him watch a TV programme or don't read his bed time story. Explain why you are taking these things away from him temporarily.