Just the two of us going away to get married

MrWalsh

stickybookmark wrote: »

thanks lazygal and MrWalsh but what is the present protocol when the couple don't have a party afterwards ?

I'd give you the same present regardless of you having a big formal wedding, an elopement followed by a party or no party at all!

MrWalsh

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I don't get why people go off - just the two of them - to get married, and then come back and have a big hoolie!

I'd have hated a big formal all day event travelling to and staying over in a hotel with a sit down meal, speeches etc...

The party was just an evening thing, informal, just finger food a bar and a dance floor. People went home after and it was just like having a night out.

Spanish Eyes

MrWalsh wrote: »

I'd have hated a big formal all day event travelling to and staying over in a hotel with a sit down meal, speeches etc...

The party was just an evening thing, informal, just finger food a bar and a dance floor. People went home after and it was just like having a night out.

Sounds ideal really.

Glad you enjoyed it!

jlm29

stickybookmark wrote: »

thanks lazygal and MrWalsh but what is the present protocol when the couple don't have a party afterwards ?

There isn't a protocol. I would choose what gift to give based on how close I was to the couple, rather than the type of wedding they had.

lazygal

stickybookmark wrote: »

thanks lazygal and MrWalsh but what is the present protocol when the couple don't have a party afterwards ?

I'd give the gift I would've given regardless. It's an important event no matter how it's celebrated.

homemadecider

theduffer wrote: »

Hi Folks,

Looking at this this thread with interest, if anyone has any info on a travel agent they recommend for assistance getting married in the carribbean can they PM me with details. Looks like its going to be the 2 of us so looking for help!!

Regards,
theduffer

We used Club Travel and they were excellent. I recommend them.

stickybookmark

lazygal wrote: »

I'd give the gift I would've given regardless. It's an important event no matter how it's celebrated.

i'm not particularly close to them. they'd be more extended circle of friends. hmm i think she'd be morto if i give the full whack 200 euro to be honest. maybe 75?

jlm29

You don't necessarily have to give them cash. You could get them a voucher for a meal or something.

PhoenixParker

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I don't get why people go off - just the two of them - to get married, and then come back and have a big hoolie!

It it were me, I would either have a big wedding all the bells and whistles, a small one, about twenty guests - immediate family only, OR

Race off somewhere and get married, just the two of us, and that's it!

Not knocking anyone, each to their own, but the big party after an elopement, really makes me smile. OK you are not paying for all the bits and pieces associated with a full on wedding, but it brings its own headaches I'd imagine.

But as I said, it's a personal choice.

We're not running off somewhere to get married but we are having the ceremony separate (day before) to the party and it's immediate family only.

There's a few reasons I'm really happy it's this way.

On the ceremony side, the moment feels kind of private and while I can see sharing it with immediate family, I don't really want it in front of 100 people. It also makes the ceremony easy to organise. It's short & in the registry office. No venue hire, no solemniser payments, no decor costs, no ceremony music. That's a bunch of money I can spend elsewhere. Also I really wanted to host the reception on a Saturday which is an awkward day to organise a non-religious ceremony.

On the reception side. With photos & ceremony out of the way, the party starts at 4pm with no hanging around. I find normal weddings very long and this shortens it nicely. Guests can check in at 3pm, get ready and come downstairs. They can have lunch and not be starving. Guests can travel the morning of comfortably. I won't be over tired before dinner even starts. We won't miss half the cocktail hour as we're off getting photos.

I still have the fuss of a normal big wedding but the fuss isn't really what I'm trying to avoid. For me the separate ceremony and party just works for what I want.

stickybookmark

jlm29 wrote: »

You don't necessarily have to give them cash. You could get them a voucher for a meal or something.

i was thinking of that but then was thinking i'd say everyone will give them vouchers for meals! maybe a 50 euro voucher for brown thomas.

i told my OH last night that people online told me that we should give the couple that eloped the same present (which would be 200 euro) that we would have given them if they'd invited us to their wedding and he said 'that's a load of boll*x, if that was the case everyone would elope coz they'd make all the profit of a wedding without having to pay for one'
hmm back to the drawing board :rolleyes:

MrWalsh

stickybookmark wrote: »

......and he said 'that's a load of boll*x'
hmm back to the drawing board :rolleyes:

One of the things that I noticed with our gifts was that it was mostly men who gave nothing or something small and women (or couples) who went with the full gift. Perhaps women view friendship differently?

I do have a male friend who claims that the wedding present is given to cover your costs in being invited - but thats not a notion Ive ever subscribed to myself. I also give the same gift if I cant make it to a wedding.

lazygal

We've always given the type of gift we would have given regardless of whether we attended the wedding. I couldn't attend a wedding while pregnant as I was under orders to stay close to the hospital. We still gave the couple what we would have given if we'd been to the whole thing. We also got gifts from people who couldn't make our wedding. I don't see how gifts are to cover costs. We were at a wedding in a venue that's mentioned a lot for giving great midweek deals so I'm sure the couple paid less than if we'd attended a weekend wedding there, but we didn't adjust our gift accordingly. On the other hand, we've gotten invited to weddings and its obvious its a duty invite, we wouldn't be close to the couple and we didn't ask them to our wedding. In those cases we would send a regret card and maybe a small token gift, and wouldn't attend them.

MrWalsh

lazygal wrote: »

I don't see how gifts are to cover costs.

You can thank Eddie Hobbs for popularising that notion.

stickybookmark

lazygal wrote: »

We've always given the type of gift we would have given regardless of whether we attended the wedding. I couldn't attend a wedding while pregnant as I was under orders to stay close to the hospital. We still gave the couple what we would have given if we'd been to the whole thing. We also got gifts from people who couldn't make our wedding. I don't see how gifts are to cover costs. We were at a wedding in a venue that's mentioned a lot for giving great midweek deals so I'm sure the couple paid less than if we'd attended a weekend wedding there, but we didn't adjust our gift accordingly. On the other hand, we've gotten invited to weddings and its obvious its a duty invite, we wouldn't be close to the couple and we didn't ask them to our wedding. In those cases we would send a regret card and maybe a small token gift, and wouldn't attend them.

Fair enough but all your examples are where you were invited to the wedding. This couple chose not to invite us (or anyone!) to their wedding, that's the point my OH is making. He thinks if you choose not to invite people to your wedding celebration in any way, shape or form, you have to be prepared to forgo the wedding present
'm gonna get them a present anyway for sure, but not full whack

MrWalsh

stickybookmark wrote: »

He thinks if you choose not to invite people to your wedding celebration in any way, shape or form, you have to be prepared to forgo the wedding present

It depends on the relationship with the friend. If its a good friend I dont see what being invited, not being invited, a full wedding, a small wedding etc have to do what you give them? Surely you give a friend a wedding gift to celebrate their marriage - and not your role in the party or otherwise?

Considering the couple in question will be attending your wedding later this year I think if you are not going to give them a gift, or give a lesser gift, that you should be clear with them that they are not to get you a gift (or give a lesser gift) also. Otherwise it just comes off as scabby.

stickybookmark

MrWalsh wrote: »

It depends on the relationship with the friend. If its a good friend I dont see what being invited, not being invited, a full wedding, a small wedding etc have to do what you give them? Surely you give a friend a wedding gift to celebrate their marriage - and not your role in the party or otherwise?

Considering the couple in question will be attending your wedding later this year I think if you are not going to give them a gift, or give a lesser gift, that you should be clear with them that they are not to get you a gift (or give a lesser gift) also. Otherwise it just comes off as scabby.

aHahaha.....You chose to elope, me and my family are spending 40k on giving friends and family a big day out, and i'm the scabby one

MrWalsh

stickybookmark wrote: »

aHahaha.....You chose to elope, me and my family are spending 40k on giving friends and family a big day out, and i'm the scabby one

Sorry I dont understand what you mean? How is what you choose to spend on your wedding relevant? You are spending that for YOU.

You think not giving a gift to your friend for her wedding but expecting a gift from her for your wedding isnt scabby?

Fair enough so!

stickybookmark

I am going to get them a present just not full whack.
Put it another way, if someone has a wedding and doesn't invite you, you don't get them a present right?
So a couple eloping is a couple Not inviting you to their wedding. They chose not to share that celebration with you. So why would you feel obliged to get them a present then? If someone had a birthday party and didn't invite you, you wouldn't get them a present would you?

stickybookmark

I am going to get them a present just not full whack.
Put it another way, if someone has a wedding and doesn't invite you, you don't get them a present right?
So a couple eloping is a couple Not inviting you to their wedding. They chose not to share that celebration with you. So why would you feel obliged to get them a present then? If someone had a birthday party and didn't invite you, you wouldn't get them a present would you?

lazygal

stickybookmark wrote: »

I am going to get them a present just not full whack.
Put it another way, if someone has a wedding and doesn't invite you, you don't get them a present right?
So a couple eloping is a couple Not inviting you to their wedding. They chose not to share that celebration with you. So why would you feel obliged to get them a present then? If someone had a birthday party and didn't invite you, you wouldn't get them a present would you?

Are you looking for someone to validate your decision or something? This gift giving thing is a personal decision. I've been happy declining an invitation and sending nothing but a with regrets card. I've sent full whack gifts when a couple eloped. I've given a gift smaller than I would have liked because I was a broke student. And I've given 'normal for typical Irish weddings like the one we had' gifts. But I was fine about every decision because it was right given the circumstances.
Give them a full whack gift, or scale it down or whatever. But don't expect someone to come along and reassure you you're doing the right thing. Because the right thing depends on loads of factors, which we simply can't know.

MrWalsh

stickybookmark wrote: »

Put it another way, if someone has a wedding and doesn't invite you, you don't get them a present right?

Yes, if its a good friend I do.

stickybookmark wrote: »

If someone had a birthday party and didn't invite you, you wouldn't get them a present would you?

Yes, I often give birthday gifts to people whose party I havent been invited to or attended.

It depends on the individual relationship.

annoyedgal

think you should give exactly what they give you to be honest. We had a friend at our wedding who gave us a generous cash gift. They are having a small wedding abroad shortly. we're not invited but will be giving them the same generous cash gift regardless. I'd be a mortified to give less but that's just my opinion.

stickybookmark

annoyedgal wrote: »

think you should give exactly what they give you to be honest. We had a friend at our wedding who gave us a generous cash gift. They are having a small wedding abroad shortly. we're not invited but will be giving them the same generous cash gift regardless. I'd be a mortified to give less but that's just my opinion.

It's the other way around, I'm giving her the present first (as in now) and my wedding is in a few months time so I can't predict what she's going to give me!

But she can just match by giving me back what I gave her if that's what she wants to do, the ball will be in their court in that sense

etymon

Wow. All of the above is why I am not having a 'normal' wedding. Mainly not to be worrying about everyone else.

We have booked to go to Jamaica for ten days next year, get married on the beach just us two. We are gonna do the civil ceremony here on the day before we go with a dinner/party for 60 people after. It's gonna cost about 8k. We don't want any presents. We know we will get some because the point is a token to congratulate you and set you on your way etc but I would be horrified to be scrutinising amounts and wondering who gave who what etc. The day is about the two of us and our close family/friends and we are so excited. And unstressed ;-)

People who start thinking about the wedding as a profit/balance sheet are weird in my opinion.

homemadecider

etymon wrote: »

Wow. All of the above is why I am not having a 'normal' wedding. Mainly not to be worrying about everyone else.

We have booked to go to Jamaica for ten days next year, get married on the beach just us two. We are gonna do the civil ceremony here on the day before we go with a dinner/party for 60 people after. It's gonna cost about 8k. We don't want any presents. We know we will get some because the point is a token to congratulate you and set you on your way etc but I would be horrified to be scrutinising amounts and wondering who gave who what etc. The day is about the two of us and our close family/friends and we are so excited. And unstressed ;-)

People who start thinking about the wedding as a profit/balance sheet are weird in my opinion.

No need to do the legal bit here - it's easy as pie to do the legal part in Jamaica. You need to be there 3 full days before you get married but everything else is very simple. Talk to your travel agent or someone in the resort you're staying. Have your real, legal wedding right on the beach!