Bragging groom-how to deal?

A-Bit-Dodge

a strange situation so I'm just going to lay it out there.

An old friend from college (who now lives 5 minutes away) is marrying the 2nd cousin of my fiancé. Last weekend, on his stag weekend, the groom got a little drunk and started bragging about the amazing deals they have gotten for their Thursday wedding and how they were expecting to make a 3k profit from inviting people "they really couldn't be bothered with" as well as the other guests. My fiancé said his tone was so arrogant he'd consider not going at all especially as we have had to postpone our own wedding due to financial restraints, have to take 2 days off work to travel to Meath for the wedding, cost of gift, etc . So now I'm thinking I shall go on my own but how do I explain to the bride why H2b is not coming all of a sudden, with only 10 weeks to go? I know her much longer than he does and we are very close but I don't think I can give the satisfaction of giving them the "normal" amount knowing they're planning to pocket a hefty amount of it and just out of the grooms sheer sense of greed. Any advice welcome... It's really not my place to tell her he's after upsetting a good few of his male family members and companions with his actions but she'll know something is up if my fella is all of a sudden gonna not show!

a postere

Sometimes your friends will choose to marry people who you think are dicks. That's life.
What type of wedding you can or can't afford or want, should have no bearing on your friends day.
Is she your friend or not ? I would suspect not really, the way your talking / posting about her.
If she is, go, if not, do yourself and her a favour and don't.
It's an invite, not compulsory attendance.
Anyone who doesn't want to go to a wedding, should do everyone a favor, and not go to it.
I'm really sick of going to weddings where some guests sit and moan about the bride and groom and/or the wedding/reception etc.

A-Bit-Dodge

a postere wrote: »

Is she your friend or not ? I would suspect not the way your talking about her.
If she is, go, if not, do yourself and her a favour and don't.

I am going. She is my friend. What part said she wasn't? I'm asking how do I approach the subject of my fiancé not coming but thanks for your helpful reply!

a postere

A-Bit-Dodge wrote: »

I am going. She is my friend. What part said she wasn't? I'm asking how do I approach the subject of my fiancé not coming but thanks for your helpful reply!

Surely he can find something else he has on that day if he doesn't want to go, and that can be his reason.

newmug

The way I'd look at it, the groom got p1ssed, and said some things I'm sure he regrets. Go to the wedding as planned, but just dont go spending a silly amount on a present, outfits etc. The day is about the couple, let them enjoy it, even if the groom is a bit obnoxious.

stickybookmark

It's a bit hard for your H2B to get out of going to the wedding if he was at the stag! Obviously they will be expecting him. You'll have to come up with something that could only have cropped up last minute - but not last-last minute as you'll have to let them know he's not coming obviously. Unless of course you want to wait til the week before to tell them he's not coming, that way they'll get caught for paying for his dinner and if you only give them 100 in a card as you went on your own, they'll be down on their 'profits'
Depends on whether you want to let them know in advance so they can cancel his dinner or not?
For a last-last minute excuse - sickness.
For a few weeks notice excuse - he's been dragged away for work

Geniass

a postere wrote: »

Surely he can find something else he has on that day if he doesn't want to go, and that can be his reason.

From your post the one that comes out a bit suspect is your fiancé. He's blowing a drunken conversation out of all proportion. Seems like he's just trying to get out of the trip and possibly playing on your own disappointment with your own wedding.

It sounds ridiculous he'd not go to your friend's wedding. He should be going because YOU are going. It really is that simple.

dixiefly

You cannot force him to go but I think a better option would be to go but don't give cash as a present. Buy a nice gift that you can afford.

If your h2b still insists on not going then you will have to get creative with the excuse. I missed the wedding of one of my best friends because of a work trip so he will have to think of something. If all comes to all he can be suddenly sick the night before.

A-Bit-Dodge

Geniass wrote: »

Seems like he's just trying to get out of the trip and possibly playing on your own disappointment with your own wedding.

Didn't even think of this! Usually my fiancé is quite calm and collected so it's not a case of him just throwin a hissy fit or blowing something up.

But he has been quite friendly with the groom and that circle of friends for a good few years, he was even involved with stag organising which is why I know he is genuinely peed off and not just trying to be a pain. He is a grown man, I can't force him... Be nice to get some male perspective on this maybe?

Thanks for the advice so far.

Geniass

It's 10 weeks to the wedding. Plenty of time to take Penny and Disney's advice ... Let It Go

galljga1

Get them a toaster or a nice flowery lamp. It should cut into the 3k profit.

seamusk84

If she is your friend then be honest and tell the truth. Might be a wake up call to her fiancée when she then says it to him.

If you can't tell her the truth then ye are not as close as you think.

galljga1

seamusk84 wrote: »

If she is your friend then be honest and tell the truth. Might be a wake up call to her fiancée when she then says it to him.

If you can't tell her the truth then ye are not as close as you think.

I would not necessarily agree Seamus. I think a large number of us have good friends who would no longer be friends if we told "the truth" about their partners, or some of their life choices. It is not an easy thing to do and can screw things up badly. Sometimes, we are better off sucking it up.

a postere

Lads are not supposed to be too into wedding arrangements. It could have just been a drunken joke to make certain mates laugh. Could actually be about something else that happened on the stag, unless you were there, there is no way of telling.

I'd take one day off instead if you can get away with it, and don't spend half as much as you would have

Tigger

galljga1 wrote: »

Get them a toaster or a nice flowery lamp. It should cut into the 3k profit.

Flowery toaster

a postere

That's actually quite a cool toaster . . . you've either got very good taste, or none. I can't tell.

galljga1

Tigger wrote: »

Flowery toaster

If only it had a light. Sister in law got a rotating musical lamp: classic.

Calhoun

Honestly I wouldn't mention this at all to your friend as 10 weeks before the wedding it more than likely won't be taken well.

You husband to be sounds to be a little jealous because of your own situation , sure the groom is an ass but their is two of them in it and I'm sure his wife wouldnt necessarily agree with the grooms view.

stickybookmark

It must be sickening to hear a groom bragging about how much money he's saving by having the wedding on a Thursday to the actual guests that are having to take 2 days off work for his wedding

What an eejit!!

Tarzana2

Calhoun wrote: »

You husband to be sounds to be a little jealous because of your own situation

Ah here, if it happened as said in the OP, the groom is pretty classless. It wouldn't be jealousy, but the OP and fiancé's situation probably is contributing to him not wanting to go, it's kind of an inadvertent nose rub. But even if the OP and her fiancé didn't have to postpone their wedding, the groom sounds like a grasping smugface.

OP, I think he should attend but try to minimise your costs for the day, and I understand why the day will be a bit tainted for ye now. It's a shame. But just think of the social aspect of the day, gabbing with friends and whatnot.

Tigger

a postere wrote: »

That's actually quite a cool toaster . . . you've either got very good taste, or none. I can't tell.

Thanks

Calhoun

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Ah here, if it happened as said in the OP, the groom is pretty classless. It wouldn't be jealousy, but the OP and fiancé's situation probably is contributing to him not wanting to go, it's kind of an inadvertent nose rub. But even if the OP and her fiancé didn't have to postpone their wedding, the groom sounds like a grasping smugface.

ah here nothing, sure it was classless but if the grooms actions were the only thing going on then why even mention it. It comes across like the OP's partner is letting their own frustrations get in the way of going.

The groom maybe allot of things but is it fair that his wife to be should suffer because of him being an ass. We all know people who are with or getting married to people we don't quite like but generally we go out of respect for the other person.

Tarzana2

Calhoun wrote: »

ah here nothing, sure it was classless but if the grooms actions were the only thing going on then why even mention it. It comes across like the OP's partner is letting their own frustrations get in the way of going.

Probably. I wouldn't call it jealousy though.

Calhoun

I do think you and other posters have it right about the trying to minimize the cost.

I had a similar incident happen around the time i was getting married and as it happens a number of our social/family circle was getting married around the same time (within a 1-1.5 year period).

Out of 4 weddings there was one couple who were very blatant that they were doing it and looking for money, in this case it was more the bride that the groom who would have been this way inclined. I really didn't want to go but went anyway because of two core reasons, 1. It was good fun on the day because allot of our social group would have been there and we had good craic, and 2. it would have been awkward in all the other upcoming weddings ect had i not.

So what we did was just ensure we minimized the cost as much as possible and had a good day, rather than create bad blood that would carry to our own day.

clint_silver

guy with drink said something contentious.

nothing to see here.

Tigger

In vino veritas : Thursday wedding , I ask you

A happy I like the Russian version better
In Russian, «Что у трезвого на уме, то у пьяного на языке» ("What a sober man has in his mind, the drunk one has on his tongue").

CaraMay

Calling a spade a spade - about 80% of couples getting married think like the groom does.

You are going about it the wrong way. The way to cut into the 3k profit is both of you to go, eat, drink and be merry and then give then a kettle lol

Don't see what your own wedding has to do with this?

pooch90

CaraMay wrote: »

about 80% of couples getting married think like the groom does.

What exactly are you basing this on??

The Dark Side

Too many people looking for excuses to get offended these days.

Go to the wedding as planned FFS!

skallywag

He got p!ssed and was mouthing off at this stag, but it really sounds like a non-issue to me. OP, have you or your other half never said something when under the influence which you didn't really mean on sober reflection?

Perhaps you have not of course, in which case I tip my hat to you.

Milly33

I want that toaster...

Ah I wouldn't read to much into it OP.
Just say your fiancé is sick!! Walla out of it.. Man Flu...
Get him to put the sniffles on for whoever he meets close to the day, that is unless he is going to say it himself why he is not going which is all fine too if he wants to..

I wouldn't think too badly of the man (groom) in fairness he was probably very drunk and sure we all know we say stuff a lot easier when you have a few drinks. If ye did feel a bit ick over the whole thing and did still think the groom was being an ass, just give them half of what ye were going to give or something daft and go along and have a fun day for your cousin.. Don't let her suffer cus her hubby to be said stuff.

If you want to go without him sure do also... It would be fine, if you make a big deal out of it then everyone else will.. Just keep it plain and simple his sick so I came myself..

Kinda agree with Caramay. Not saying men aren't all smoochie poochies do but any chap I have spoken to kinda of talks about the whole "well this chap said they got this much and this person said this person would give you this much"...Its just what they like to do...

sbsquarepants

CaraMay wrote: »

Calling a spade a spade - about 80% of couples getting married think like the groom does.

You are going about it the wrong way. The way to cut into the 3k profit is both of you to go, eat, drink and be merry and then give then a kettle lol

Don't see what your own wedding has to do with this?

Why?

The thing to do is forget the profit/loss thing altogether - it's none of your business what it cost or what presents they get. If you're invited to a party of any sort you either go or don't based on all sorts of things - who the person is, what the occasion is, where it is, what your own plans or work situations are for the day and so on - some accounting calculation based on what they're spending versus projected income from gifts should not even enter into it and if it does, to be honest it says as much about your boyfriend as it does the groom OP. If you were happy to go last week, finding out what it cost shouldn't change that.
Either go or don't go, if you do go get them the pressie you can A afford and B think they deserve - that's your only input to the whole affair. What they spend on the day and the why's and why not's of that spending doesn't concern either of you in anyway.

Yes it's a bit obnoxious to go boasting about making a profit on your wedding - but it's hardly a newsflash that some people are dicks now is it!

Milly33

well said...

arayess

CaraMay wrote: »

Calling a spade a spade - about 80% of couples getting married think like the groom does.

You are going about it the wrong way. The way to cut into the 3k profit is both of you to go, eat, drink and be merry and then give then a kettle lol

Don't see what your own wedding has to do with this?

you seem a font of knowledge :rolleyes:

most people are decent and might hope to break even on the wedding but only a knob plans to make a profit.
The wedding is the important thing , don't have what you cant afford , it's not a cash equivalent of gofundme

fits

arayess wrote: »

most people are decent and might hope to break even on the wedding but only a knob plans to make a profit.

Huh? We are obviously going about things completely the wrong way!

MrWalsh

CaraMay wrote: »

Calling a spade a spade - about 80% of couples getting married think like the groom does.

While Ive no idea of the percentage, certainly that some people think this way is clearly evidenced by many threads on here. People arguing that they give less if its not a full traditional Irish wedding as though the event they are invited to is a concert and they are discussing how much to spend a on ticket for it!

People on here have even quoted that they know how much bride and grooms are spending on a per head basis for the meal?!?!?!

So I would think that its not a bit unusual for people to think this way.

However, rather than engage in any kind of tit for tat, if I were you OP Id simply stick to my original plans and go for the 2 days and give whatever gift you were planning to - otherwise you are only lowering yourself to the same level as the types who are counting the pennies on each side of the balance sheet.

stickybookmark

yes i have to agree with fits to concept of breaking even on a wedding is alien to me, you'd have to organise a seriously stingey affair and invite tons of guests to do that?

MrWalsh

stickybookmark wrote: »

yes i have to agree with fits to concept of breaking even on a wedding is alien to me, you'd have to organise a seriously stingey affair and invite tons of guests to do that?

Eddie Hobbs would be proud!

So maybe you’re having second thoughts about blowing your loot on getting hitched but if you’re
still determined remember my golden rule for having your wedding cake and eating it… Three little
words. ‘Cash gifts only’! That;s what I said Cash Gifts Only. I’m only romantic about my own
marriage.

Get the relatives to cough up in advance. Let everyone know you’re not a fan of fondue sets or foot
spas espresso sets, fruitbowls and bloody crystal ware.

If you have a 150 guests and they all cough up €150 you’ll end up with 22.5 grand in cash so
you’re ballpark profit country. So let the word go out from RTE tonight, from now on, its cash gifts
only!

Bolding added by me

stickybookmark

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Why?

The thing to do is forget the profit/loss thing altogether - it's none of your business what it cost or what presents they get. If you're invited to a party of any sort you either go or don't based on all sorts of things - who the person is, what the occasion is, where it is, what your own plans or work situations are for the day and so on - some accounting calculation based on what they're spending versus projected income from gifts should not even enter into it and if it does, to be honest it says as much about your boyfriend as it does the groom OP. If you were happy to go last week, finding out what it cost shouldn't change that.
Either go or don't go, if you do go get them the pressie you can A afford and B think they deserve - that's your only input to the whole affair. What they spend on the day and the why's and why not's of that spending doesn't concern either of you in anyway.

Yes it's a bit obnoxious to go boasting about making a profit on your wedding - but it's hardly a newsflash that some people are dicks now is it!

I disagree with this completely. It's everything to do with the OP, it's her hard-earned cash that is contributing to his profit and it's her and her OH that have to take 2 days off work for this plonker's wedding!

Milly33

Yeah but again does it not come down to does she want to go or not want to go..

It is her cash, but then just give as much as you can, they don't have to give lots or like that get a toaster or something.

If she is at a dilemma about going then go or don't go, but don't be saying your not going because he or she said that... That's what happens in school think everyone is all grown up now

Larbre34

Theres a great tradition in Ireland of people making excuses for others and conversely people not taking responsibility.

OP, let your fiancé tell your friend why he has decided not to go, its his flippin family he has a problem with after all.

In fact better yet, this is between the two boys.

ec18

is it possible the remark was misheard and the other guy meant that they'd saved 3K just by having it on a Thursday?

kilkenny12

Larbre34 wrote: »

Theres a great tradition in Ireland of people making excuses for others and conversely people not taking responsibility.

OP, let your fiancé tell your friend why he has decided not to go, its his flippin family he has a problem with after all.

In fact better yet, this is between the two boys.

Exactly. Why didn't the lads at the stag tell him how much of a w@nker he was? Wtf!? Who lets something like that slip and not even give him a slagging?

jlm29

Maybe just don't bother making up a lie/excuse for why your partner isn't going. Just say "he won't make it" and leave it at that.

sbsquarepants

stickybookmark wrote: »

I disagree with this completely. It's everything to do with the OP, it's her hard-earned cash that is contributing to his profit and it's her and her OH that have to take 2 days off work for this plonker's wedding!

But it would be money and time well spent if the couple getting hitched ended the day in debt? That makes absolutely zero sense!

If they were happy to spend the money until they found out that there'd be a surplus at the end of the day the only thing that has changed is they (well he in this case) begrudge the couple that surplus. That's the only difference between this week and last week.

MrWalsh

sbsquarepants wrote: »

If they were happy to spend the money until they found out that there'd be a surplus at the end of the day the only thing that has changed is they (well he in this case) begrudge the couple that surplus.

Its the attitude that is causing the issue not the surplus.

Ginny

It's 10 weeks away, it's a Thursday just say in a few weeks that he can't come something has popped up in work. It shouldn't be a big deal at this stage.

Geniass

Ginny wrote: »

It's 10 weeks away, it's a Thursday just say in a few weeks that he can't come something has popped up in work. It shouldn't be a big deal at this stage.

In fairness though, what kind of gent would ditch his girlfriend, future wife and future mother of his children (too far? :pac:) and let her go on her own because of something pitiful like this?

AoifeCork

OP, is it that your fiance is being a pain and putting this burden on you or do you really think he is justified in his mindset and you just want a decent enough excuse so that the bride doesn't smell a rat and eventually find out what a gimp the groom was at the stag? That's what I'm wondering. If your fiance had a hand in doing the stag it seems a bit of a turn around to say he's not going. Maybe this is one of those "had to be there" situations. Any other wags (for want of a better word!!!) from the stag party you could chat to about this?? I feel like we're missing something...

A-Bit-Dodge

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Chatted to groom again to find out why he's being so rash. Basically, it wasn't just a throw away comment, the issue of wedding costs came up and spent a good 5 mins saying they increased numbers cos they were certain they could haggle down on band and hotel package and still get people to give "the going rate of €100" each. He mouthed off a bit too much for a few of the lads liking, given they had just forked out even more bobs for a weekend long stag. Just to be clear too it's not saving €3000 minimum, it's making a profit. I didn't know weddings were a business for the couple to make money from, I personally thought they were something you paid for yourself and in doing so had to save to give your friends and family a day to remember. I have alley said this to my H2b and said he can't go just cos groom sees his wedding a cash cow and it's just his personality. The main concern is that we ARE financially fecked at the moment and 2 days in Meath is going to set us back again. The hotel alone want €150 for the room, then there's diesel, drinks, feeding ourselves etc. I have put money away for the day as I knew it was coming but they way himself sees it, he'd rather tax his car for the year with his money than drop a few more quid into their wedding piggy bank :pac:

We will come up with something but I've decided to keep my mouth shut. I love the bride, she's a sweet girl and while I do think she could do better than the dope she is marrying, she loves him and he makes her happy so it's not my place with 9.5 weeks to go to stir the pot.

For the record, my fiancé won't be budging on thIs. He plays football with the best man and the best man agrees if he could get out of it at this stage he would. He has a young family and his own wife doesn't work... The stag comments irked him massively as well but they were all a bit taken aback so nobody said anything. Weird behaviour. From all the boys! :pac: