Bragging groom-how to deal?

Milly33

Well then looks like ye have decided go with it.. I wouldn't bare a grudge though.. Remind yourself of this thread and your hubby to be when ye decide to go for it, bet it gets mentioned at least once

stickybookmark

A-Bit-Dodge wrote: »

I have alley said this to my H2b and said he can't go just cos groom sees his wedding a cash cow and it's just his personality. The main concern is that we ARE financially fecked at the moment and 2 days in Meath is going to set us back again. The hotel alone want €150 for the room, then there's diesel, drinks, feeding ourselves etc. I have put money away for the day as I knew it was coming but they way himself sees it, he'd rather tax his car for the year with his money than drop a few more quid into their wedding piggy bank :pac:

That's fair enough. If your OH doesn't go ye'll save 100 euro in a wedding present plus the cost of his drink for the night so yeah it prob would tax a fuel-efficient car for a year

neris

I agree with your fiance not wanting to go over the groom seeing it as some sort of business/cash cow. I had a friend who is a cheap skate and saw his wedding as something that would be paid for by others and wasnt going to cost them a cent. This mentality has followed on into the marriage in other ways

eviltwin

Geniass wrote: »

In fairness though, what kind of gent would ditch his girlfriend, future wife and future mother of his children (too far? :pac:) and let her go on her own because of something pitiful like this?

It's a wedding, never gone to one without your partner? She will be fine
I'd be letting him tell the couple himself though.

fits

Lots of married and coupled up folk coming to ours sans partner.

Geniass

eviltwin wrote: »

It's a wedding, never gone to one without your partner?

Now that I think of it. No, we like each other's company.

Agree with the OP not making an issue of it with her friend. That way lay disaster.

eviltwin

Geniass wrote: »

Now that I think of it. No, we like each other's company.

Agree with the OP not making an issue of it with her friend. That way lay disaster.

Well I have and its grand. She can still have fun even though he's not there.

Geniass

eviltwin wrote: »

Well I have and its grand. She can still have fun even though he's not there.

I'm C-L-E-A-R-L-Y indispensable.

Milly33

I would so go to one without him, grand tis more fun with him but It wouldn't bother me..

December2012

So you'ld have no problems if they had a more expensive wedding and it cost them €3,000 more?

He got a few deals (which I see people talking about for everything wedding related given how expensive it can be). He was talking to his friends, who presumably have a modicum of interest given that it's a stag and you're around the wedding stage yourselves.

it really sounds like your partner is bitching about this guy and not being a good friend.

Milly33

Have to say I agree...

As mentioned come back in a few years when ye are planning yer own and see how things change.

Not saying it is something you should be bragging about but it does sounds like your man to be is being a bit bitchy about it all, and well I do hope you go yourself as you have mentioned several times that you do like the lady in question

stickybookmark

I'm with the OP on this one. It's in extremely poor taste to tell your wedding guests that you are planning on making a profit out of the wedding by having it on a Thursday and inviting people you're not bothered about to beef up numbers. Those kind of conversations may go on between the bride and groom or behind closed doors but to say that to your wedding guests is bang out of order. Drink is no excuse.

Milly33

What is said on tour should stays on tour... jes give the chap a break, just because he made on stupid comment does not mean he should be stricken down for life as being an ass... Thinking about it more it really is something I would expect from the ladies not from lads

MrWalsh

Milly33 wrote: »

Thinking about it more it really is something I would expect from the ladies not from lads

Bit of casual sexism, sure why not!

Milly33

Exactly might as well through it in there

Tiger Mcilroy

Milly33 wrote: »

What is said on tour should stays on tour... jes give the chap a break, just because he made on stupid comment does not mean he should be stricken down for life as being an ass... Thinking about it more it really is something I would expect from the ladies not from lads

There is making a stupid comment while on the beer and then there is explaining how you're inviting people to your wedding to make a profit in front of a room full of people invited to said wedding.

the groom to be is a moron and the OP's other half is dead right not going to the wedding and unless the Groom is brain dead he will know exactly why.

Electric Sheep

Tiger Mcilroy wrote: »

There is making a stupid comment while on the beer and then there is explaining how you're inviting people to your wedding to make a profit in front of a room full of people invited to said wedding.

the groom to be is a moron and the OP's other half is dead right not going to the wedding and unless the Groom is brain dead he will know exactly why.

I think this is it - the inviting people just for the presents part, not because you care to have them at the wedding. I think we all know some couples that invite everyone they have even a passing acquaintance with, because after a certain tipping point, each extra guest presents a profit rather than an expense. Hence the 300+ guest lists.

Forest Demon

Say he is going right up until the day and then say he has the sh1tes.

BabySlam

Monday for health,
Tuesday for wealth,
Wednesday the best day of all.
Thursday for losses,
Friday for crosses,
and Saturday is no day at all.

stickybookmark

BabySlam wrote: »

Monday for health,
Tuesday for wealth,
Wednesday the best day of all.
Thursday for losses,
Friday for crosses,
and Saturday is no day at all.

Sofiztikated

Bloke here.

It sounds like yer wans future husband knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.

Yes, it may sound a little petty of OP's fella, but I totally get where he's coming from. There you's are, struggling a bit, and there's yer man blah blah blahing on about how inviting all these plebs are going to make him some bank!?

I wouldn't even give an excuse, just say he won't make the wedding. Or both of you go, eat 2 dinners each, guzzle through as much wine that's on the table as possible, order expensive drinks for the drink of choice, and give them a card with a few scratchers in it.

sbsquarepants

Your friend is marrying an asshole - is that a reason to boycott her wedding? Hardly, in my opinion. Lot's of people marry assholes!
Is it a reason to not bother with the groom afterwards - probably.

A-Bit-Dodge

stickybookmark wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this one. It's in extremely poor taste to tell your wedding guests that you are planning on making a profit out of the wedding by having it on a Thursday and inviting people you're not bothered about to beef up numbers. Those kind of conversations may go on between the bride and groom or behind closed doors but to say that to your wedding guests is bang out of order. Drink is no excuse.

This is basically it you're just much more eloquent than I :pac:

Honestly we could never really afford to go but I'm mad about the bride and my h2b is a cousin to the groom so we were always going to make the effort.
Took some posters advice and chatted to another pal who's husband is involved. She said the exact same, her guy was bulling when he came home Sunday but money really is not an issue for them and the bride and groom did attend their wedding a few years ago. The general consensus is that this wedding has made the groom go from a wee bit annoying to a full scale arse ache who really shouldn't drink too much

My fiancé will have work commitments at worst, at best he'll compromise to do it very very cheap (I've cancelled my room in the hotel and booked a b&b down road as it is.). Thanks for all the advice and thanks to the posters who reassured me that this is NOT how the charming groom should behave in the lead up to his wedding... Nor any decent gentlemAn for that matter

CaraMay

It's not how a groom should behave but it's also not how a bf should behave. If be fuming if my oh dumped me at a wedding on my own over something as insignificant as this. Yes the groom is obnoxious but what he is saying is that his issue with the groom is more important than you.

stickybookmark

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not how a groom should behave but it's also not how a bf should behave. If be fuming if my oh dumped me at a wedding on my own over something as insignificant as this. Yes the groom is obnoxious but what he is saying is that his issue with the groom is more important than you.

Ah come on !!!! Is this a troll post?

MrWalsh

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not how a groom should behave but it's also not how a bf should behave. If be fuming if my oh dumped me at a wedding on my own over something as insignificant as this. Yes the groom is obnoxious but what he is saying is that his issue with the groom is more important than you.

Cant agree with this. My OH is entitled to his own opinions and if he didnt want to attend a wedding because he was offended by the grooms previous behaviour then thats his own business. I respect his ability to think for himself.

As a fully independent adult I can then choose to go alone or not go at all myself.

Arbiter of Good Taste

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not how a groom should behave but it's also not how a bf should behave. If be fuming if my oh dumped me at a wedding on my own over something as insignificant as this. Yes the groom is obnoxious but what he is saying is that his issue with the groom is more important than you.

Seriously? This is the 21st century. People have been known to attend functions on their own and have gone on to live happy and fulfilling lives.

PhoenixParker

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Seriously? This is the 21st century. People have been known to attend functions on their own and have gone on to live happy and fulfilling lives.

The key difference for me is that he originally agreed to go and is now refusing to go. BF is effectively standing her up for a date.

With a limited budget and limited days off work I prefer to save up both and spend the time and money with my other half. That was the original plan here, but because of the BF pulling out, OP is now wasting a days holidays and cash on a holiday without her BF. What should have been a fun romantic long weekend together is now an overnight with friends without boyfriend.

While I'm happy enough to go to a wedding on my own, I probably wouldn't go to one on a Thursday for which I had to travel and pay for a hotel room for just me. A Saturday night in Dublin or close to my parents? Sure but Thursday?!? I'd be unhappy with that switch. The decision to go to the wedding was taken with one set of expectations and now that BF is refusing to go, a whole different scenario is present, one in which many people in OPs circumstances would have chosen to simply refuse the invitation.

Greenmachine

I am with the OP's future husband to be. It is not the fact that it is a Thursday wedding which, I do think is on the rude side. By the sounds of it the guy has a bad attitude regarding the wedding. Maybe give them a "X has been donated on your behalf, to <insert charity>" card.

Milly33

Think tis all being a bit childish still, sounds like they are just making excuses at this stage go or don't go!! If ye cant decide, Get two pieces of paper, write go or don't, shake and do best of three!! Sorted.. Jes I hope the couple don't come reading this and find how harsh people can be to people they don't even know

Starokan

Stupid comments were made by the groom, no question about that, it seems a bit over the top for your partner to get so het up over it to refuse to accompany you.

I'd say the comments are just the excuse he needs, I would guess the reality is he is worried about your own fiances and sees attending the wedding as an unnecessary excess. In fairness I think he is right tbh. The cost of attending a wedding is unbelievably high. I went through a couple of years of no work and if invited to a wedding I just attended the church part and gave a small gift. It worked well, I saw friends etc get married which was important to me and said friends understood the situation I was in.

It might be a good option if you do not feel like attending the full wedding on your own

CaraMay

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Seriously? This is the 21st century. People have been known to attend functions on their own and have gone on to live happy and fulfilling lives.

Exactly he has already said he would go and share the cost with her and now she is left to fund travel costs, present and accommodation herself.

stickybookmark

CaraMay wrote: »

Exactly he has already said he would go and share the cost with her and now she is left to fund travel costs, present and accommodation herself.

No - if two people attend you have to give 200 euro. If only one attends you only have to pay 100 (as long as you let the couple know in time to adjust the final dining numbers) so the present costs have halved by his non-attendance so that doesn't make any difference.

Yes accommodation and travel costs will be the same. But as the OP is getting married to this guy I assume they're at the stage of seeing things as joint finances anyway?

Look different strokes for different folks. Obviously to some girls their fella pulling out of a wedding they had originally said they'd go to and leaving the girl go on her own would be considered a serious crime. To the OP it's clear that she respects the fact that her OH wants to stand up for his principles. So she's not p!ssed off with her OH, why stir up sh!t where there is none

Arbiter of Good Taste

CaraMay wrote: »

Exactly he has already said he would go and share the cost with her and now she is left to fund travel costs, present and accommodation herself.

The OP is choosing to go to the wedding of her own accord.

Arbiter of Good Taste

Milly33 wrote: »

Jes I hope the couple don't come reading this and find how harsh people can be to people they don't even know

That's generally what goes on with discussion boards.

Frankly I'm surprised at how harsh some people are being to the OP. I think it's particularly ironic, considering how faux offended people get on here if someone even dares to suggest that they might prefer to get cash gifts rather than another "thoughtful" picture frame or set of candleholders. Yet when a groom essentially admits his wedding is a profit making exercise, then there is nothing wrong with that. At least, I suppose, he was being honest.

I only ever give cash gifts or buy from a wedding list if available. But if I was going to this wedding, I would go the "thoughtful" route because you can never have enough candleholders.

stickybookmark

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

I only ever give cash gifts or buy from a wedding list if available. But if I was going to this wedding, I would go the "thoughtful" route because you can never have enough candleholders.

OP that's definitely what you should do. It will save you money. You said they only live 5 mins away right? Perfect ...that means you do the traditional irish thing of calling up during the week run up to the wedding (e.g. 2 nights before) to drop off the wedding present.

Milly33

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

That's generally what goes on with discussion boards.

Frankly I'm surprised at how harsh some people are being to the OP. I think it's particularly ironic, considering how faux offended people get on here if someone even dares to suggest that they might prefer to get cash gifts rather than another "thoughtful" picture frame or set of candleholders. Yet when a groom essentially admits his wedding is a profit making exercise, then there is nothing wrong with that. At least, I suppose, he was being honest.

I only ever give cash gifts or buy from a wedding list if available. But if I was going to this wedding, I would go the "thoughtful" route because you can never have enough candleholders.

But why is this not being petty!! You buying them a gift that you intend to be rubbish.. I don't think anyone is being harsh on the OP she asked a question, but you have to admit it does just seem like she is making a list of excuses not to go

endacl

H2B? Some kind of pencil?

stickybookmark

Milly33 wrote: »

But why is this not being petty!! You buying them a gift that you intend to be rubbish.. I don't think anyone is being harsh on the OP she asked a question, but you have to admit it does just seem like she is making a list of excuses not to go

They're not saying buy a present which is rubbish, they're saying buy a present instead of giving cash. You save money that way. It doesn't have to be rubbish, you can get a nice present for 50 euro - bed linen, towels, wine glasses, photo frame, nice clock, vase, mirror. The kind of thing people traditionally gave as wedding presents before the cash thing came in. All my parents wedding presents were stuff like this and it certainly wasn't considered rubbish.

Milly33

it was really if you read the text that's what it comes across as anywho

Toots

I can completely see where the OP's fiance is coming from. We declined a wedding invitation a while ago because of similar carry on. My husband was out of work and I was on illness benefit, so we were literally living hand to mouth. We were humming and hawing over whether or not to go, and we had figured that if we managed to save about €10 a week in the run up to the wedding, then we'd be able to go and be able to give them a present. We weren't particularly close to the couple in question, however we'd known them for years so we figured we should go.

The day before I was going to send back the RSVP, we found out from another guest that pretty much the same thing as the OP describes had happened; the groom was out in the pub with a group of friends, one of whom had just gotten engaged, and he was giving him 'advice' on wedding planning. His advice was "have it on a tuesday, cos nobody wants that date and the hotel will give you a big discount, and throw in loads of freebies." (in fairness this didn't make much difference to us, considering our employment situation, but it was going to be a pain for a lot of other guests) "invite as many people as you can, cos you'll get a minimum of €200 per couple so you'll end up making a good profit." "invite kids, because people will have to give more if they bring their kids, but it'll only cost you about €15 to feed them".

That was the decider for me, they obviously were only interested in the gift we'd be giving. The worst part was, the bride's family were paying for everything (very expensive hotel, rooms cost a bomb) so literally everything they were given in gifts was going to be 'profit'. They had 300 odd guests invited, so with the €200 per couple estimate they'd be looking at getting about €20k in gifts!! From what I heard afterwards, word had obviously gotten around about what was said in the pub, and they ended up with a lot more declines than they expected.

Honestly, this crap about "minimum amounts" for gifts really gets on my wick. I'd say it's largely why a lot of people hate weddings. Similarly the whole "cover your plate" rubbish; if a B&G decide to serve a meal costing €90 a head, that's their choice, it shouldn't be expected that guests should foot the bill for that. Just attending a wedding is pricey enough before you factor in another few hundred for a gift.

FWIW, if I was in the OP's shoes, I'd attend alone, seeing as how she's close to the bride. If her OH doesn't want to attend, that's his choice; even when you take the whole 'principle' bit aside, he wouldn't enjoy the wedding knowing what he now knows. As regards the present, don't feel you have to give €100 if you can't afford it, particularly considering how much just getting to the wedding will cost you.

fits

Toots wrote: »

.

Honestly, this crap about "minimum amounts" for gifts really gets on my wick. I'd say it's largely why a lot of people hate weddings. Similarly the whole "cover your plate" rubbish; if a B&G decide to serve a meal costing €90 a head, that's their choice, it shouldn't be expected that guests should foot the bill for that. Just attending a wedding is pricey enough before you factor in another few hundred for a gift.

.

I completely agree! Its totally bonkers! its killing off weddings too. People should be delighted and excited when they are asked to a wedding, not worrying about how they are going to pay for it. I have also been to two large weddings (>250) and won't go to one again.

Tarzana2

stickybookmark wrote: »

Drink is no excuse.

I totally agree. IME, drink is truth serum. I've said manys the stupid thing whilst drunk down the years, but those drunk utterances were always stuff I was thinking sober. I never said stuff I didn't actually believe or mean. The stupidity came from me saying stuff that shouldn't be said, not saying stuff I didn't mean. This is the groom's true thoughts on the matter, and no wonder it has left a bad taste with some of his friends. He should be appreciative that people are giving up two day's AL to attend a wedding organised for an awkward day of the week, rather than viewing them as cash cows.

Toots

I'd love to know if the bride felt the same way, or if this was mostly the groom's feelings on it.

Electric Sheep

fits wrote: »

I completely agree! Its totally bonkers! its killing off weddings too. People should be delighted and excited when they are asked to a wedding, not worrying about how they are going to pay for it. I have also been to two large weddings (>250) and won't go to one again.

No harm to have the bull**** weekend long weddings killed off.

tinkerbell

Milly33 wrote: »

What is said on tour should stays on tour... jes give the chap a break, just because he made on stupid comment does not mean he should be stricken down for life as being an ass... Thinking about it more it really is something I would expect from the ladies not from lads

This is actually really offensive and a gross generalisation. Normal, reasonable, thoughtful people do not behave like the groom and the groom's behaviour is nothing to do with his gender but everything to do with the fact that he's a classless, ignorant, money-grabbing gob****e.

OP, I would attend but give an actual gift which is very cheap but still a bit thoughtful so you can get away with it being cheap! Eg do up a photo collage of the b&g over the years which will just cost the price of the frame plus printing the photos. Job done.

Also why are you staying for 2 days?

I'd have nothing to do with the groom though again after this. What a rude obnoxious twat.

A-Bit-Dodge

Milly33 wrote: »

Think tis all being a bit childish still, sounds like they are just making excuses at this stage go or don't go!! If ye cant decide, Get two pieces of paper, write go or don't, shake and do best of three!! Sorted.. Jes I hope the couple don't come reading this and find how harsh people can be to people they don't even know

No I'm sorry, you are judging us all wrong. I have said I am very close and very fond of the bride and am going. Have you even been reading the thread in full or are you just saying things for the sake of it? Your post has really annoyed me and Your uniformed flippant remarks has upset my Sunday morning.

CaraMay

Op we can only base our responses on your own comments. You have made your decisions and some people agree with what your partner is going and some don't. That's the nature of boards.ie

A-Bit-Dodge

Toots wrote: »

I can completely see where the OP's fiance is coming from. We declined a wedding invitation a while ago because of similar carry on. My husband was out of work and I was on illness benefit, so we were literally living hand to mouth. We were humming and hawing over whether or not to go, and we had figured that if we managed to save about €10 a week in the run up to the wedding, then we'd be able to go and be able to give them a present. We weren't particularly close to the couple in question, however we'd known them for years so we figured we should go.

The day before I was going to send back the RSVP, we found out from another guest that pretty much the same thing as the OP describes had happened; the groom was out in the pub with a group of friends, one of whom had just gotten engaged, and he was giving him 'advice' on wedding planning. His advice was "have it on a tuesday, cos nobody wants that date and the hotel will give you a big discount, and throw in loads of freebies." (in fairness this didn't make much difference to us, considering our employment situation, but it was going to be a pain for a lot of other guests) "invite as many people as you can, cos you'll get a minimum of €200 per couple so you'll end up making a good profit." "invite kids, because people will have to give more if they bring their kids, but it'll only cost you about €15 to feed them".

That was the decider for me, they obviously were only interested in the gift we'd be giving. The worst part was, the bride's family were paying for everything (very expensive hotel, rooms cost a bomb) so literally everything they were given in gifts was going to be 'profit'. They had 300 odd guests invited, so with the €200 per couple estimate they'd be looking at getting about €20k in gifts!! From what I heard afterwards, word had obviously gotten around about what was said in the pub, and they ended up with a lot more declines than they expected.

Honestly, this crap about "minimum amounts" for gifts really gets on my wick. I'd say it's largely why a lot of people hate weddings. Similarly the whole "cover your plate" rubbish; if a B&G decide to serve a meal costing €90 a head, that's their choice, it shouldn't be expected that guests should foot the bill for that. Just attending a wedding is pricey enough before you factor in another few hundred for a gift.

FWIW, if I was in the OP's shoes, I'd attend alone, seeing as how she's close to the bride. If her OH doesn't want to attend, that's his choice; even when you take the whole 'principle' bit aside, he wouldn't enjoy the wedding knowing what he now knows. As regards the present, don't feel you have to give €100 if you can't afford it, particularly considering how much just getting to the wedding will cost you.

Wow! Now that is a million times worse for sure...20k profit- I'm in the wrong line of work?

I've decided to take bride to be away on a groupon spa day next month-comes to about 55 each- and let that be my present. €110 for a pressie. Fiancé is not going to come. Toots- you are so right. The day is tainted for him now and he just can't let it go and put on a brave face. The say principles cost money but in this case we can't afford to not have them!!! Haha! He's going to save his two holiday days for further down the line when he might need them.

Thanks again everyone for the advice. I think we can lock this bad boy now.

tinkerbell

Great idea OP - spa day for you and the bride, who you are fond of. €55 is perfectly appropriate for the occasion and the miserable stinge of a fiancé doesn't get to pocket the €55 into his own pocket. And do not give any more than that! That's more than enough.