girlfriend keeps contact with ex

Hiroshima twinky

shaymus27 wrote:

When you are young these things are normal but you are entitled to feel re-assured if you feel you need it. You're not doing anything that she needs re-assurance on. Things usually work themselves out and worries that were there in the beginning disappear.

That's generally been how these past few days have gone. I don't feel I NEED to be re assured as much as I did when I first posted this and I've not said it to her when she came over the other day, we just enjoyed each others company as usual and I didn't want to bring about any bad feelings or memories for her so I decided to leave it until it crops up again (hopefully it won't)

Hiroshima twinky

He's still in her top friends and when I was with her yesterday I seen that she had opened but not replied to a snap from him. Again I doubt it's anything sinister but I didn't manage to bring up that it bothers me still. Should I continue to wait and hope it'll just go away or should I just say something to her now?

zeffabelli

Something like this is so hard to assess.

Sometimes you can have a space of neutrality with an ex. And sometimes its unfinished business. It could even be residual guilt over something, so they feel obliged to respond. So hard to know. The parties themselves might not know.

In electronic communications there can be an addictive element, little dopamine shots, one cannot know if its the ex they are drawn to, or the electronic dopamine shots.

In Victorian times there was a notion of "criminal conversation." We would know this today as 'emotional adultery" or sex talk.

gsi300024v

Sometimes ignoring something makes it more of an issue that dealing with it.

Hiroshima twinky

I've been meaning to bring it up, but everything we get talking there's always that same good vibe and I just don't want to kill the connection between us over something stupid that I'm over thinking about. Is there anyway I could bring it up without things getting too serious or intense?

LegacyUser

I had a similar situation a few weeks back.

My lovely GF or months was laying in the bed alongside me about 5;55am I awoke after feeling some movement in the bed.

She was turned out the the side of the bed using her phone. It didn't bother me but I was a awake for some time and she was using the phone, typing something on it.

She thought I was asleep obviously I wasn't..

I then got up out of bed and she said "your awake, I was just setting the time on my phone"

I played it off like it was nothing, went downstairs and had a smoke and thought about addressing this with her there and then.

1st who was she replying to or sending a txt to a half 5 in the f'n morning!?
2nd She doesn't use social media or internet on her phone period, doesn't appeal to her. (Doesn't even have a pc or laptop at home)
3rd As she doesn't use any apps or internet related content on her phone then she' only using it for calls and texts, right!

She immediately responded to me that she was setting or checking the time when I hopped out of bed"I pretended I didn't notice"

I was lying in bed awake a good 10 mins along side her and she was definitely txting or writing something on her phone

Anyways I thought about it for 5-10 over a smoke before coming back to bed, and I decided I wouldn't call her on it!

Reason being.. Its her life she can do whatever the hell she wants with respect.

From a previous long term relationship I found myself prodding and nosing around about guys my ex girlfriend had been hanging around with or having a sneaky look at her phone from time to time.

Basically I became jealous and paranoid in my previous relationship and I resented myself for being overly involved with who my ex was with.


Now I'm still in touch with the ex from time to time (different country) just to say He your still there anyway!! I met her a year after the break up and I confessed to her that I was miserable with jealousy and paranoia towards the end, so that was grand anyway...


Back to my girlfriend. I said to myself before going back to bed " this isn't going to last forever, get back there and enjoy her company you dick"

Like I could have looked though her phone that morning while she showered-- It took every ounce of me not to bother looking, as I would have fed my jealousy and paranoia by doing this in a previous relationship.

The bottom line is seek and you shall find, but do you really wanna be looking in that direction??

Let her txt whomever she wants; shes with you anyways right?

And if you ever do find out that there is an avenue or communication between these too that isn't entirely friendly i.e. you basically think there riding each again.

What I would do is start snap chatting one of her friends for the craic (they seem to think you a nice guy so your off to a flyer there!)

and then eventually sleep with one of them; she how she likes that in her snapchat!!!

btw Not suggesting you do that but it would be pretty awesome!


Like I was total dick to my ex but she knows I have a good side to- so we occasionally (every 2-months) drop a line to each other.

strobe

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

I've been meaning to bring it up, but everything we get talking there's always that same good vibe and I just don't want to kill the connection between us over something stupid that I'm over thinking about. Is there anyway I could bring it up without things getting too serious or intense?

You just say it. "Liz, I was just wondering, how come you're still on friendly terms with John, after him cheating on you and all that stuff?"

That's it. It's out there.

LadyAthame

I think it's understandable to sensitive about exes.

Talk about it not in a demanding way but just because you need reassurance. She should understand that you might be a little insecure about it that's ok and you can talk it out.

Hiroshima twinky

For anyone that still cares, I said it to her and she explained everything about they're break up and how she was in love with he idea of hin rather than him as a person and was torn about giving it one more shot or moving on until we meet, and even questioned herself as to why she stayed with him last summer for so long, something I wouldn't even have dared to bring up considering how difficult it must have been.
She then went on to say that she wouldn't keep contact with him if it bothered me.
In short id just like to thank everyone here who offered their advice

shaymus27

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

njop

was torn about giving it one more shot or moving on until we met,

even questioned herself as to why she stayed with him last summer for so long,

She then went on to say that she wouldn't keep contact with him if it bothered me.

Hi Op,

Enjoy your relationship with your g/f. To be crude, have as much sex as you can and enjoy yourself as much as you can.

I think you are too nice for this girl.

The fact she was torn about giving it another shot until you met her worries me. Why would she want to give it another shot?

If she questioned why she went out with him for so long why was she still keeping in contact with him?

I don't like she won't keep in contact with him if it bothers you. I would think she wouldn't keep in contact with him because it should bother her to keep in contact with someone who didn't treat her well.

Also, I despise this "if it bothers you". I can't stand when women come out with this manure. It suggests she is only doing it because you are being in some way unreasonable. As if her continuing to keep in contact with someone who treated her badly and yet she was torn about getting back with him and kept in contact with him even after meeting you isn't unreasonable. I really think your girl is taking the you know what.

I don't want to negatively affect your relationship with what I write but I think your girlfriend is in the driving seat in your relationship and you seem grateful for any consideration she gives you.

Enjoy what you can from your relationship. Have as much sex as you can. I hope it works out and you are happy. Just evaluate how you are being treated every few months to ensure your girlfriend has completely moved on and is giving you her best. If she has any sense she will appreciate the nice person you seem to be and treat you with the respect you deserve.

Enjoy your relationship and have fun.

Hiroshima twinky

Things have been great recently. Except last night she told me that on the night when she 'bumped into' her ex that she actually went looking for him. I don't know how to process this as I thought we had put this behind us. She promised there was nothing else that she hadn't already told me she just didn't want to include that when she initially told me because she was worried about how I might have reacted to it.

DukeOfTheSharp

Look, the way she's acting, she's trying to displace the blame for her outright ridiculous actions onto you. She doesn't understand that if you get annoyed/upset/angry that that's her fault for what she did. Keeping that detail from you was crucial, it was her dirty little secret, until her pesky conscience got the better of her. Someone in her mindset can never really put this kind of issue behind them, she's got serious psychological issues, and I guess you've to ask yourself can you trust her?

Put it to her this way: either she's with you and honest with you - and works goddamn hard at it from this point onward - or she's not, and she can jog on. It may not be easy, but she's damaged, prone to lying and blaming others for their reactions to her poor decisions. Not only is that bad behaviour, it's immature. You've to decide if the risk is worth the reward. If you feel like you just can't trust her to make reasonable choices, walk. Nobody will blame you, it'll hurt, but it's better than the alternative of her 'bumping into' her ex who she obsessively hunted down one night. She has a dependency issue, you're never going to be given a fair shake if she keeps acting like this, so another question you can ask yourself is: is this worth your time and do you deserve such poor treatment?

zeffabelli

Honestly it sounds like she's lying to herself and can't see what's in front of her.

She had an attachment to him.

Teaks81

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

Things have been great recently. Except last night she told me that on the night when she 'bumped into' her ex that she actually went looking for him. I don't know how to process this as I thought we had put this behind us. She promised there was nothing else that she hadn't already told me she just didn't want to include that when she initially told me because she was worried about how I might have reacted to it.

It sounds like she's trying to out herself into a situation where something "just happens" and "one thing leads to another". I would move on.

Hiroshima twinky

I think I've allowed myself to get too emotionally involved in this relationship to be able to access this whole thing correctly, I'm still sure I don't want to leave her.

gsi300024v

Is it just that he doesn't want her now, if he did she'd be gone in a blink of an eye, you just happen to want her so she is still around. Is she someone who is always in a relationship? Can't be single?

Hiroshima twinky

gsi300024v wrote:

Is it just that he doesn't want her now, if he did she'd be gone in a blink of an eye, you just happen to want her so she is still around. Is she someone who is always in a relationship? Can't be single?

No he is still infatuated with her. I have it on good word from several people I know that are friends with him that she is all he ever talks about

Stan27

interesting conversation. myself and my ex, we talk fairly regularly, and never really thought much what her new bf thought about it tbh. if she still talks to me i presume he is ok with it. our relationship was a long distance relationship, which eventually just finished. no major argument, it was just the end. we got on great when we were together and have a lot of common interests still. we don`t want to be back together which helps i think, just happy being friends and having a laugh. would people find this unusual?

gsi300024v

I met up with an ex, but i told my girlfriend first and asked was she ok with it. Even asked if she wanted to come along too, ex gf was from out of the country, so wouldn't have a chance to see her to often.
I suppose I'd be a bit worried with your gf thinking she has to hide stuff from you.

davmol

I never understood someone wanting to be still in touch with their ex who treated them so badly.
The ex is a d1ck so what can this girl gain from being still in contact?The answer is ,she has unfinished business and still wants him in her life in the hope that they may get back together.She basically cant let him go.

tell her if she keeps contact you are not willing to hang around.

audi 5000 game player.

gsi300024v

I suppose a very important part is she knows or does she? That you don't like her chatting with him but she still does.