widow at 34yrs

lennyloulou

just wondering is anyone out there who became a widow around my age? I am 34yrs and feel 100yrs now.
I have joined some other widow related websites but they are not really relevant to my age group.
My husband of 34yrs passed away 6 weeks ago tragically. He never left me a note to explain why he did it.
We had no children and were happily married with a dog we adored and a lovely lifestyle where we both earned a decent wage and lived life to the full. Well I believed we had a great life together and now question it and everything else we did during our marriage of 3yrs 9 months.
I am lonely and afraid. I have a counselling session tomorrow.
Any ideas...advice... how long will I grieve? Please don't say give it time/time is a healer.
Thanks

CaraMay

Op I don't have any wisdom to offer but I would like to say I'm sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

You will get great guidance and support on here.

banie01

Hi LennyLouLou.
Sorry you've found yourself in this particular corner of boards.ie but I hope you can find some come comfort, solace and advice here...
I know I did.
Widowhood is hard, and being widowed young is a particular and peculiar cruelty.
I'm glad to hear you are going to attend some counselling, it can go a long way towards helping to get a handle on your emotions.
Counselling isn't a magic bullet, it won't make the grief any easier to bear, nor the burden any lighter but it will hopefully give you the tools to better cope when the darkness and loneliness sweep over you.
As I said on a thread you posted in previously, don't be afraid to lean on friends and family.
Don't be afraid that being upset is a sign of weakness and above all don't be pushed into feeling you need to grieve to a timetable.
Grief is personal, its a journey to learning how to cope alone and while people can support in your grief they can't make the trip for you.
I was widowed 8yrs ago last week, I recently got engaged to a lovely lady who has put the pieces of me that were left back together....
I'm happy, but there is not a day that goes by where my wife isn't thought of or spoken about.
Indeed as I type this post, I'm looking at the Facebook on this day feature and a post of a song my wife and I danced to few years ago...
Has me typing through tears.

I know you don't want to hear that time is a healer, but in my experience grief is a wound.
Loss is raw and open at the beginning, like a hatchet wound but as time passes it scabs over.
Somedays the scab can be ripped open and it will feel like you are back to day 1 all over again, but you will learn to cope and get through this.

bernard0368

Hi Lennyloulou,

I have no words of wisdom to help you get through this. I am in the very same situation as yourself right down to the dogs and 12 years older.
I lost my wife of 18 years a few weeks ago, all I can say is rely heavily on your friends and family and dont be afraid to ask of them when you need it.
My thoughts are with you.

axel rose

Hi Lennyloulou,
I was widowed almost 6 years ago at the same age. I sorry to hear that you are going through this. Banie01 has pretty much covered everything I would say.
Unfortunately grief is a journey that is wholly unique the person experiencing it. Personally, I found it to be quite a violent emotion-almost physically so. Time isn't a healer-I still very much miss my husband-I have just gathered better coping skills and techniques to distract myself from the bad days.

Counseling is good they say(not for me due to a couple of reasons-but hey,I'm an oddball).

In my early days I used a site called http://widow.ie/. It's well moderated and has a good reputation. I found it less isolating to chat with people who were in my situation. There were times when I felt I was losing my mind. Maybe you could check it out.

Take care.

Chemical Byrne

My god, my condolences to you. I don't know what to say to you. There is nothing that can be said really only that you will get great support from those here.

Big Bag of Chips

I second using your family and friends. My friend was widowed at 34. Her husband died suddenly at home. Little or no warning. Your family and friends feel so useless looking at you. They know there is nothing they can do to take away your pain. Nothing they do or say is going to make this better. But, know that they are just waiting to do whatever it is you ask of them. You mightn't think there's anything you want or need right now, but everyday there's small things. Some days you will need to be alone, and some days you would like a bit of company. Your friends and family will be there.

They are all thinking of you. Even when you think everyone has moved on and forgotten about your grief, it is still very much in the minds of your loved ones.

I won't insult you with the "time is a healer" line. My friend was widowed 3 years ago. While she is coping better and continuing with her life she is a different person now. Life will never be the same for you as it was 7 weeks ago. You'll never "get over it", but you will cope better. And the day will come when there is happiness in your life again. As someone else said, there's no time limit. And people won't push you. It's so raw and painful for you now, it is impossible to see a time where that pain isn't constantly in your chest. But it will come. Eventually.

Take care of yourself. Be as selfish as you need at this time. Suit yourself and don't be afraid to suit yourself. Nobody will be offended!

banie01

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You'll never "get over it", but you will cope better. And the day will come when there is happiness in your life again.

If I could thank that line x100 I would.
You don't get over it ,you will learn to cope eventually, you will however never be the person you were then, ever again.

I know I said it earlier, and that others have repeated it but please don't be afraid to lean on your friends and family.
I say that from harsh experience.
When I lost my wife, I pulled away from my friends and family because they couldn't understand my loss.
It took me a long time and some persistent people to help me realise they didn't need to understand it.
I just needed to understand that all those friends and family wanted to help me heal, to share my load and make sure our family coped with the horrible reality of being left widowed.
Those friends/family saved my life, because I was being swallowed by grief and their help and support from simple things like just making a cuppa...
To coming round and holding me at stupid o'clock in the morning while I screamed at the world.

Big Bag of Chips

lennyloulou, a bit further down the road, when you feel slightly stronger, it might be worth talking to someone like Pieta House. You mention now doubting your marriage and doubting everything you knew. Maybe talking to someone with experience and expertise in the area would help you to make sense of what happened. You are still very raw and hurt with grief. Any of the organisations will be happy to talk to you if or when the time comes that you would like to talk.

For now, take as much time as you can. And trust those around you to help wherever you need it.

LadyAthame

Hello Lenny Lou Lou.

I can't imagine. You probably never imagined you would be in this position either. There are questions about the past you don't have the answers to. People in your life are there for you. They love you. Don't hesitate to ask them. And experts like at Pieta house can create a warm circle of protection for you right now.

I am very sorry.

edward2222

Hi Lenny,

I'm really sorry to hear that, I know what sorrow and pain your feeling right now coz I have a friend that have been there.
I agree that it is not the time that heals, but what you do within that time that creates positive change,
It's never too late to star over

Condolence.

Edward

An Bhanríon

I'm not in your situation but my mother was widowed in her early forties (my father was in his late thirties when he died). She tells me when he died she just wanted to stay in bed and never get up again. But she had two young children to bring to school so that got her up. And she didn't have to cook Sunday dinner for at least a year after her husband died because there was always an invitation to come to one house or another. Gradually, and with lots of support, she got used to living without him. She still misses him, though, thirty years later. (I would always think time heals, but, as you say, it's not that simple!)

Do you have people you can visit or friends you can meet for a coffee or a walk somewhere nice? You might even need to explain to them that you want company (if that's what you want). Sometimes people think a bereaved person wants to be left alone or don't know what to do. If you would like company I think it would be good to explain to people you are close to that, even though you may not appear to want company, that you would like to meet up with people. And also to explain to them that they don't need to try and fix things for you, that all you need is to have somebody there, to listen at times and at other times just to be there.

One thing that has always helped me with the more difficult parts of my life has been to go on retreat. This may not be something you want to do now, with everything so raw, but maybe in the future it might help you work things out a bit in your own head.

Best of luck.

CarpeDiem85

I'm so very sorry to hear about your story! It's so very sad and I feel for you. I know it's not the same but I lost my Mum suddenly and to be honest, to this day 4 years later I still grieve. Even the other day something just hit me and I started crying about Mum not being here. The first year is horrendous but I actually found the 2nd year worse because people back off a bit and think you're coping ok, I really wasn't. Do not feel one bit guilty about grieving and just go with the flow of emotions that will overcome you. It might hit you over the slightly memory. It's not going to be an easy journey but my best advice is to lean on the people around you for support. Take care and you will start feeling a bit better in time but it's a step by step process. I found counselling really helped me but it might take a while to want to do that.

RubyGirl

HI Op,

Hope you are doing ok, my husband died on April 4th aged 41 while out walking his dog's. I'm 37 we had his month;s mind mass on Saturday and this is such a tough week for me, my birthday was Monday. Was wondering if you did'nt mind talking about it how you got on at the counsellor?

CaraMay

Sorry for your loss RubyGirl

CarpeDiem85

RubyGirl wrote: »

HI Op,

Hope you are doing ok, my husband died on April 4th aged 41 while out walking his dog's. I'm 37 we had his month;s mind mass on Saturday and this is such a tough week for me, my birthday was Monday. Was wondering if you did'nt mind talking about it how you got on at the counsellor?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through is just horrific. My thoughts are with you.

silverfeather

RubyGirl wrote: »

HI Op,

Hope you are doing ok, my husband died on April 4th aged 41 while out walking his dog's. I'm 37 we had his month;s mind mass on Saturday and this is such a tough week for me, my birthday was Monday. Was wondering if you did'nt mind talking about it how you got on at the counsellor?

I'm sorry Ruby. xx

heretothere

All I can send is love x

Hoop66

Sorry for your losss lennyloulou & ribygirl.

I lost my wofe of 12 years very recently. We have two children, 10 & 6, and it's that that has kept me going. Knowing I have to be there for them is a great motivator.

The support shown by friends and family and the community around the girls' school have been a great help also.

It's still very, very difficult though.

CaraMay

Was thinking of this thread earlier today and hope you are doing ok.

jennyhayes123

Sending love X X

RubyGirl

6months on Oct 4th & it feel's like yesterday still to me anyway. I run it over in my head so many times each day. Kid's are a great distraction & the reason I get up each morning.

howamidifferent

RubyGirl wrote:

6months on Oct 4th & it feel's like yesterday still to me anyway. I run it over in my head so many times each day. Kid's are a great distraction & the reason I get up each morning.

My condolences and thoughts are with you all. I hope you are all getting stronger and learning to cope with your loss. Hugs to all of you.

jennyhayes123

I hope your doing ok x x