Coping with death

ch750536

Thought I'd share our recent experience. On weds night the kids granddad who they see daily, was taken ill. By the following morning he had died.

We decided to take an honest and open approach with the kids (10 & 8) rather than hide things from them.

When he went to hospital I told them he had gone & that gran & mum were with him. They may stay the night with him. They asked questions which I answered honestly and some that I didn't know the answer to (what's wrong with him).

Thurs morning the 8 yr old woke me, crying because mummy didn't come home so grandad must be bad. I assured him but thought the same. We readied for school anyway as I couldn't call my wife as phones were off.
I got the call that he was brain dead, kept alive by machine just before school. We hugged and cried for about an hour. I explained that Grandad was dead, they both understood this. I've never heard that kind of cry from them before.

I spoke to them about grief and how everyone, including grown ups might be sad for a few days. We might even get angry. We might get very quiet. I told them not to feel awkward about anything and if they wanted to go out and play soccer or play on the x-box that's fine. I told them they will forget sometimes and then they will remember and that can hurt.

I asked them if it was OK to get a friend to mind them as I had to pick up Mummy & Gran from the hospital, they were fine with this.
By 4pm we gathered in Grandads house, all together and cried, hugged and cried a little more, all together.

They made a mural on the whiteboard.
They made a monument on minecraft.

They said a little prayer before bed and slept through.

Kids are resilient. They learn quickly and are capable of expressing all kinds of emotions in their own way when we let them. They have definitely picked up the rest of us a few times even though they asked the oddest of questions. I think they have coped really well with this and almost certainly much better in the long run than if we had tried to protect them from the experience.

[I know this might seem 'too soon' but I always look for positives in negatives and if this post helps someone in the same situation today than it's the right thing to do.]

bp

I am sorry for your families loss, but thank you for sharing so beautifully

Neyite

I think you handled it wonderfully.

ch750536

Question now is viewing, funeral mass & crematorium. 10 yr old wants to go to the funeral mass & crematorium, 8 yr old doesn't. Don't really want to split the kids up on a day like that so we have a decision to make.

Penny Tration

I think you should listen to your children, even if that means splitting them for a while.

First off, you handled telling them of Grabdad's passing beautifully, well done.

But for the funeral -when my sister and I were similar ages, my own grandad died.

For the funeral, I wanted to go and my sister didn't. So, I wasn't allowed go because, like you, my parents were wary about splitting us.

To this day, 18 years on, I hate that I wasn't there and still think about missing it occasionally.

I think they're both old enough to make their own decisions on this particular occasion.

For the child who doesn't want to go, make sure they're occupied. Do you have a family friend who has children? Maybe a play date would keep your child's mind off of things?

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I'm very sorry for your family's loss.

ch750536

Thanks Jenny, really good guidance.

pwurple

ch750536 wrote: »

Question now is viewing, funeral mass & crematorium. 10 yr old wants to go to the funeral mass & crematorium, 8 yr old doesn't. Don't really want to split the kids up on a day like that so we have a decision to make.

Viewing, as in removal? If it's open casket I would not bring children. I remember my own grandfather's, when I was about 10. I found it very distressing.

Funeral, i would bring the child that wants to be there.

Crematorium... Everyone is different, and it's all what you're used to, but I find crematoriums upsetting as an adult. Have you been there before?

Toots

I think you've handled everything brilliantly, and I'm sorry for your family's loss. With regards to what your kids want, it's probably best that you respect their wishes, even if it does mean splitting them up for the day. You don't want it to be where one resents the other because they feel they didn't get to say goodbye properly, or that one goes to the funeral but didn't want to and gets very upset.

Is the viewing at the house or at a funeral home? I was 6 and my sister was 4 when my Grandpa died, and he was waked in the house for 2 days before going to the church for the funeral mass. The coffin was in an upstairs bedroom, so when we got to the house, my mum left it to us to decide whether or not we wanted to go upstairs. We both went upstairs pretty much straight away and stayed there for the two days (obviously we left to go to bed, but the other adults stayed). I found it lovely and peaceful, and it did look very much like he was asleep, it was only when I went to hold his hand that it felt different. With that being said, it was in my mother's family home, where we spent a huge amount of time as children, and our families were all around us, so it was a very 'homey' atmosphere, despite being sad.

A funeral home might be different, because they can sometimes feel a bit sterile, although a lot of them are lovely. If the 10 year old wants to go to the viewing, I'd be inclined to let them (providing that their grandad still looks 'the same') but let them know that they don't have to go into the room/up to the coffin/etc, and that they can leave at any time, and that it's ok if they get upset. I'd say if you're bringing them, plan on it being a very short visit, and see how things go from there.

As regards the funeral itself, again, if they want to go I think they're old enough to decide that for themselves. We went to the church, but the kids were taken home by another relative before the burial - our parents thought it would be too upsetting for us. I was the eldest at the time, so had to go with the other kids even though I wanted to go to the cemetery and it does still make me feel sad sometimes, that I wasn't allowed to go. For the crematorium I couldn't really say. I've only ever been to one crematorium and I did find it quite unsettling, although that could be because it's not what I'm used to.

I think your current open and honest approach is what's needed here, explain to your 10 year old what to expect at a viewing/funeral/cremation and see what they want to do.

ch750536

We decided that if our 10yr old asked to go to the viewing we would explain what it is & then allow him. He didn't ask so it wasn't an issue.

Both kids attended the funeral mass & were brilliant. I explained everything before we went in but it was the small detail that caught them out. Everything was fine till we removed the cloth from the coffin - it caught them by surprise and they cried quite a bit. All normal.

The crematorium was a little stressful mainly because of the grief of the adults. The kids enjoyed the musical choices and had their moment to say goodbye.

Just put the boys to bed, they had a final few questions which I think were answered. They did really well and Grandad would be so proud of them.