The power of empathy

Mam of 4

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

That is very reassuring for those with young kids with ASD. Thanks for the positives there!

Truth, thank you for that as didn't think my post would be helpful to anyone really !

He's 21 now, and I honestly don't know whether or not it came from becoming older or being more able to cope/tolerate with social situations to be honest. Or a combination of both and dealing with depression, who knows

Spanish Eyes

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Truth, thank you for that as didn't think my post would be helpful to anyone really !

He's 21 now, and I honestly don't know whether or not it came from becoming older or being more able to cope/tolerate with social situations to be honest. Or a combination of both and dealing with depression, who knows

Good parenting and familial support is a big factor too. Acknowledge that.

My brother and his wife have played a blinder with their young son.

The professional help is fantastic (if lucky enough to get it), but it's the family and the siblings that really do the trick, with the help of the professionals of course.

You have done a great job with your child. Take a bow.

Egginacup

Deleted User wrote: »

If I was to pick my best trait, it would probably be empathy. Over the course of my life I've experienced so much sadness and upset. I came from a very poor family. People my age who lived near me are dead, in prison, or destroyed by drugs. I know what it's like to lose everything.

Long before that though, my parents had it tough, they went through really horrible times, as children, and as adults. So they brought me up to respect others and to treat everyone with decency.

I think empathy can be taught. I think you can sit your kids down and ask them to think about how something would make them feel, and I think it's a parent's duty to do so.

My view on it is that if I can make someone's day a little better then I should do that, and I should avoid wherever possible, making someone's day worse. There are of course some people who are just absolutely horrible bastards, and they've had an affect of my life too, but I find they're few and far between, and if you really take the time to look at someone closely, most people aren't bad deep down, they just may not deal with their hardships as well as others can.

Empathy can't be taught. We are born with it. We are also born to be cooperative. Cruelty and sociopathy are learned.

Darwin conducted a simple experiment whereby he had a maid come to his young child (maybe months old) and pretend to cry. The infant immediately displayed troubled whimperings and features of melancholy upon witnessing the maid's "distress". The child had heretofore never experienced someone else's pain yet could relate to someone's sadness.

Mam of 4

Spanish Eyes thank you.

Your nephew is lucky to have you in his life tbh. Yes professional help is great , hard to get but my you're dead on point about siblings being a great asset. My son talks to one sibling about everything ,his depression,etc, and the other about boys stuff,:)

It has been hard on them at times but it also has helped them understand somewhat and feel empathy in a situation they might never experience or totally get. In trying to see the world through his eyes I mean

Spanish Eyes

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Spanish Eyes thank you.

Your nephew is lucky to have you in his life tbh. Yes professional help is great , hard to get but my you're dead on point about siblings being a great asset. My son talks to one sibling about everything ,his depression,etc, and the other about boys stuff,:)

It has been hard on them at times but it also has helped them understand somewhat and feel empathy in a situation they might never experience or totally get. In trying to see the world through his eyes I mean

I am going off topic here.

But ASD people (as you probably know) love routines.

So when 9 yr old nephew comes a visiting, it's pancakes in the morning, he whoops when I flip them, makes me laugh so hard, and him too. His brother cleans up the mess, bless him.

And then it's on the Flicker thing out in the park, he has CP aswell, so his legs are not great. But he is a determined boy. And he will go far. I am sure of it. His only sibling, his brother, is an amazing child too. So supportive and will stand up for his brother no matter what.

I will say that until X was born, I never realised how hard parents worked to do the best for their children.

I have the utmost respect for parents who have special children. Totally.

So sit back, and be proud of yourself.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I used to, but to be honest, I've had enough horrific encounters happen to me and I've dealt with them all pretty much completely by myself. I guess this has hardened me a bit, or might make me appear cold but I don't really have empathy for people anymore. Whether its because I've had my own fair share of crap and don't want to get bogged down in drama that isn't mine, or because I've had enough of people sucking the life and soul out of me with situations they had the power to change, or the fact that I know no one feeling is forever and eventually they will learn to cope and come out the other side.

Tl;Dr

Not an empathic person at all

DoYouEvenLift

I only really feel empathy for people who had no choice in whatever it is to feel empathetic towards them for e.g. parents who lost their child in accidents, a husband whose wife cheated on him and won the divorce settlement and child custody, people with life threatening diseases like cancer (especially children, children getting cancer is depression inducing), children who were born into poor families and/or families with terrible health and genetics or just sh!t families in general, etc.


I feel absolutely no empathy towards people who do stupid sh!t and face negative consequences as a result. Being empathetic towards people like this just justifies them being idiots and they don't learn.

Cold War Kid

I still have empathy for people who make bad choices - although depending on what the choice is, in fairness. People can be stupid - doesn't mean they'll always be, though.
Having empathy for them doesn't mean they won't learn from their mistakes.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think you definitely can teach empathy to kids. I mean yeah nearly every kid will be distressed if they, for example, see a parent crying. But where it's important is where their wants are directly in conflict with another person's, maybe someone they don't know or another child they don't like very much. I remember doing some pretty awful things when I was a small child, and getting asked the question "how do you think you'd feel if someone did that to you?" was important. I literally hadn't thought of it.

Overall I'd say I'm very empathetic now, and it's something I especially try to do with people I just plain don't like. I've seen people just write other people off over things that they don't like and it's an attitude I've always hated, so I try to work against it in myself. I'm not a religious person at all, but the phrase "there but for the grace of god go I" is something I try to live by.

Mam of 4

Jade Kind Suicide wrote: »

"how do you think you'd feel if someone did that to you?"

+1 on this. Think we could all learn from applying that to ourselves in life. I've said it to my kids as they were growing up, and to some adults also who wouldn't dream of thinking of something like that

Filmer Paradise

Egginacup wrote: »

Empathy can't be taught. We are born with it. We are also born to be cooperative. Cruelty and sociopathy are learned.

Kind of a strange one really. Nature versus nurture & all that.

I came from a very odd family. Went thru my 20s & into my 30s not realising it at all.

At 35 met the girl who became my wife.

One thing that struck me early on was how she could brighten everyone's day just by spending time with them, even a few minutes.

I thought 'I can do that too & be very popular allofasudden!', but quickly found that it's not as easy as it looks.

10 years later, I'm getting better at it but I'm still learning...

silverfeather

There are a few types of empathy. Cognitive empathy, intuitive empathy, feeling empathy and sympathetic/altruistic empathy.

Cognitive empathy is being able to understand and correctly theorize the feelings and thoughts of another. Intuitive empathy is subconsciously doing this without having to think. Feeling empathy is the power to sense the feelings of others through your own. Altruistic empathy is being so affected you are moved to help.

Coldness does not mean the person is a wounded bird necessarily everyone is different. Some cold people are just cold. Not everyone is good at empathy or even considers it important. It can have advantages these people can remain calm in crisis.

I am highly sensitive and empathic. It has it's disadvantages. I go to pieces from high anxiety easily. But I understand people well. I am kind and sympathetic. It goes both ways.

beks101

I'd be a particularly emotionally driven person, but I live in London, the vacuum of all types of human empathy (Central line tube at rush hour anyone?)

I read a lot as a child and I remember from a young age, developing this 'technique' of pausing after I had read a particular sentence, closing my eyes and trying to envisage what a certain experience, emotion or situation that I had just read about must feel like.

It would help me to absorb the story completely and I've found it's something I do sub-consciously these days to help me to understand others. From my life perspective, once you stop visualizing, imagining and empathizing, you stop learning.

That said, sometimes I have no choice but to switch it off. I'm a journalist, I often see some wickedly horrible things during the course of my work day and sitting here taking in the full murky depth of those kind of human experiences from an emotional perspective just isn't practical or possible. There needs to be an off switch, a casual way to process human tragedy and anguish in a way that doesn't force me into some sort of depression or nervous breakdown.

My instinct though, on encountering upset or sadness, is to try to understand, to comfort and console, to 'interview' sometimes, if for no other benefit but to let someone say what they need to say. I've found through my work and through my life that the greatest need that any one person has is to be heard, to be understood. Before being 'fixed' or having justice served or anything else. And that to me is what empathy is all about. And maybe what life is all about.

Chloris

whatismyname wrote:

yet now I'm the opposite in that I think it's important for people's feelings to be recognised and validated for what they are, and that people are able to talk about their feelings where needed, and I think I have always been able to empathise with others on some level, but your comment gives me some food for thought, and I'm sure that it took me years to get to whatever point I am at right now.

whatismyname wrote:

I'm glad you say that 'might not' be able to understand / have difficulty with it when older, rather than 'won't. For me, I'm not sure I was taught it very much, as I came from an extremely neglected background, and everything was shoved under the carpet also, so there was a strong sense of invalidation of feelings, and that we weren't supposed to talk about stuff...

Well put. I'm exactly the same. The hidden rubbish and two-facedness I grew up with made me want to be more upfront and honest than ever. If I see any of my friends on a night out, I'll always get a hug from them. In my family, we rarely hug. I never ever hug my parents. There's no affection or closeness, only judgements of good and bad over things and people.

Now that I've grown up and become close to a lot of other people, I feel much more strongly when I see pain or injustice. It's probably because I have fewer things to be concerned about day to day myself. I can expend more energy on other people and their tribulations. I still find it difficult to look my mother or father in the eye, or indeed to speak about anything I feel worried or sad or angry about, because that level of disclosure is uncouth and unacceptable to them.

I feel very sorry for them in a lot of ways, because to disregard other people in the way that they do must make you feel very lonely and unfulfilled; although they're obviously entitled to do things whatever way they want. But to alienate even their own daughter the way they have done me, that seems an incredibly cold existence.

zeffabelli

eviltwin wrote: »

No I'm definitely not referring to anyone with ASD in that last bit, like you say I mean the types of narcissistic personality who only care about themselves. I have two kids with ASD and while their empathy wouldn't be great they do have it in their own way.

One of my best friends, has ASD, albeit mild and she has done lot of personal work to help her socially, but she is loyal to the bone, an amazing friend, and I love her.

Sometimes the glass wall is hard to work around, but she is so worth it.

zeffabelli

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I used to, but to be honest, I've had enough horrific encounters happen to me and I've dealt with them all pretty much completely by myself. I guess this has hardened me a bit, or might make me appear cold but I don't really have empathy for people anymore. Whether its because I've had my own fair share of crap and don't want to get bogged down in drama that isn't mine, or because I've had enough of people sucking the life and soul out of me with situations they had the power to change, or the fact that I know no one feeling is forever and eventually they will learn to cope and come out the other side.

Tl;Dr

Not an empathic person at all

Life can beat it out of you, for certain.

It's hard not to cave to bitterness.