Should I help my sister despite not being in the bridal party?

My firsst thought was to let her go **** herself. However, you need to tread carefully. Only help if it suits you. The picking of the dresses is a bit much, seeing as you won't be wearing one. Were you Bridesmaid or MOH to your other sister? Don't put yourself out too much. Maybe help with the invitations, but flowers and dresses that you won't be using is a no no in my book. Be polite and say you can't make it on that day. The hen party is the responsibility og the bridesmaid, so decline.

aunt aggie

How do other siblings feel about her decision? If your parents are obviously not happy then its likely everyone is aware of what's going on, but they don't want to turn on the bride. Puts everyone in an awkward position.

Is there a bridesmaid that you could speak to quietly who may take over some of the planning and avoid the drama? She sounds like the kind of person who won't listen to reason if her own mother is afraid to lose contact with her grankids.

P_1

Total bridezilla, you have nothing in common with her save from the fact you both emerged from the same womb. In my shoes I'd spend the day dying your hair

OP you sound like a lovely person, the complete opposite of your sister. But lovely people can allow themselves to be treated as doormats sometimes and that it not fair.

My advice is to tell your sister that its the other bridesmaids job to do all the helping, after all that is their job- its right there in the title bridesMAID. I doubt she would exclude you from the wedding, she might not want to come across as a total bitch to the other guests.

For what its worth anyone with half a braincell would be lucky to have such a considerate person as a sister. Please don't allow yourself to be used, you are worth far more than that

Geniass

jennyhayes123 wrote: »

If she is not going to think of your feelings why should you worry about hers

+1 (again)

Your sister probably has familial feelings for you, but she doesn't respect you. Although, she obviously values your organisational skills. :rolleyes:

You obviously want a relationship with your niblings, rightly so. But you don't want them to see you being disrespected either - that's catching.

I'd be firm with your sister and say, 'thanks, but I believe it best if those duties are best performed by the Bridal party as they are more involved' and I'd not let her get away with excuses like, 'this is my way of including you'.

She does seem to be turning into a Bridzilla (or always was one) and is concerned you'll not fit in with the wedding photos. That's beyond shallow.

Do what you think is the right thing.

stefanovich

MadDog76 wrote: »

Op you are a Guest of the Wedding, your responsibility ends there ........... show up, bring a gift, have dinner & drinks, a little dance and off to bed ......... done!

I wouldn't even bother going.

mg1982

Your sister sounds like a very shallow individual. God help the bloke she marrying, hes going to get his eyes opened someday. But then if hes like her they deserve each other. If i was you i wouldnt even turn up for the wedding never mind help out.

shaymus27

I think you should be grateful for her acknowledging your very existence.

Do anything she asks, whenever she asks.

Do not expect gratitude or respect.

Have no self-respect or expect any respect or fair treatment from your sister. Why should you?

Just keep on doing whatever you need to, to keep the peace, and stay in your sister's amazing life. You should think yourself lucky she talks to you at all.

I'm being sarcastic obviously to make a point.

westernlass

You could offer to babysit for the appointments instead and say that's a more appropriate way of helping out. Say you'd prefer her dress to be a surprise on the day.

By the way doing all these jobs adds up in terms of time and money eg lunches, petrol. Hen parties are a nightmare to organise and bridesmaid generally pay the extras. Why would you be paying for that stuff when there's 7 of them?

rule supreme

I think you should just tell her you are to busy at this time to help her out , she sounds like the type of person who would use you to do the work but would thank everyone but you at the wedding .

autumnrain

It sounds to me like this is an ongoing problem that even your parents acknowledge. So you can be the same person with her as you always are and you'll get the same results. Or be different and change the game. It won't be easy, it'll often be simpler to 'just help with this one thing'. I suggest that you're clear from the start with all involved (including yourself). Decide what you want. If it's 'thanks but no thanks', don't expect her to understand. Just make your own decision and get busy with enjoying your life. Don't give a minute to the drama of why you decided this, it's no big deal ...just like her decision to leave you out.
The best thing you can do is have a great life - including a gorgeous relaxed time at the family wedding where you can graciously compliment all in the bridal party on their fabulous work.
Life's too short. Hope your sister will be happy and your family will survive the wedding preps!!

Milly33

Oh no OP what a horrible way to feel and to be treated, sorry but your sister sounds like an ass..

I don't know there is lots you could do, but do not too what bumble suggested that would just be nasty.

Sounds odd that she is having 5 and 2 and there isn't room for you,there is room for you...

I would think either go along and help her but you tell her what you are doing, I would stay away from things like the hen and that as you don't want to get caught up in that, and your feelings might reflect the planning or hen.. Say you will do things like arrange the cars, flowers those small things and leave it at that..

That or politely tell her you cant do it and maybe use it as a way to tell her why and see what she says....

bur

fin12

Do not help her, she has treated you like crap.

con___manx1

Don't help her. She sounds like an arrogant b***h. I can't believe she would exclude her own sister . family is very important. I would do anything for mine.

bluemartin

Don't involve yourself in your sister's wedding, tell her sweetly you don't want no part in the preparation but out of respect you will attend on the day.

She is after doing quite a horrible thing to you, I would be so hurt if it were me.

C0MM0D0RE64

Unfortunately from what you have wrote your sister dont sound like a very nice person tbh, but... thats her and not you

If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime

Either way you choose goodluck

Milly33

haha love it kill them with kindness, I could just see their faces going wtf why are you being so nice to me.. families are just great aren't they

groovyg

C0MM0D0RE64 wrote: »

If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime

Either way you choose goodluck

Do it for the parents!! kill her with kindness, pleaseeeeeeeee. Bullies do not understand that mentality. That is the worst advice I have ever seen here

The op is being used by the sister, she does not have anything to prove. She has chosen the bridesmaids, why are they not organising everything ??

Its not her job to organise and do stuff, it sounds like the OPs sister doesn't consider her good enough to be a bridesmaid but wants her to be the fool and do all the organising. Whats the point in having bridesmaids then if the Op is going to be doing all the donkey work???? She's being taken for a fool and really needs to stand up for herself and not be a complete walkover.

The op is a Maid of Honour as a last resource - she is just being used.

lulu1

No words can explain this witch.

How can the rest of your siblings go to a family wedding knowing you are being left out if any off them had any good in them they wouldn't go

Tell her to stick her MOH job I will not say where

lulu1

bur wrote: »

Laughed my head off at this video

lulu1

C0MM0D0RE64 wrote: »

Unfortunately from what you have wrote your sister dont sound like a very nice person tbh, but... thats her and not you

If it were me i would help, id show them your above all that, it will just prove how different you really both are, if what you said is true i bet that your mum and dad aren't the only ones who will notice what she's done and she will come unstuck eventually (people like that always do)

As well above everything i think deep down you want to help and attend (comes part of the parcel of being a decent person you see) to be with the rest of your family instead of being the odd one out

Like i said just because there's people out there that dont play by the rules it dont mean you should follow suit, i say go forth and do it for your parents if not anything just to keep the peace for them

P.S i've had a similar experience with family members both sides, just kill 'em with kindness.. works everytime

Either way you choose goodluck

Oh yes kill them with kindness and let them treat you like crap again and again and again. I don't think so.

lulu1

Flood wrote: »

She is family, help her out its her big day.

OP is family ask her to the piggin wedding

Srobify

She's a beeeeyatch. You don't need stress of even talking to her

ShazGV

Op, have you talked to your other siblings about what's happening?

It sounds like your sister wants to take advantage of your kind nature, and not in an oblivious way - she knows well what she's doing. Maybe she's jealous of the way you helped out your other sister, or your relationship with her?

Pearlstone

I really believe that if you treat all people with kindness and respect it generally creates good karma so in this case OP I would treat your sister as you would like to be treated yourself. Îf she continues to behave badly towards you people will see through her very quickly and will also see you for the great sister that you quite clearly are.

Flippyfloppy

I echo the other posters: Don't do it. Think about it this way. She'll be criticizing everything you do the closer to the wedding day it gets!

didntgotoplan

The thing is I'm not hurt to be not included in the bridal party (I couldn't give two f*cks because I'd have to put up with her all day), it's more the way she wants to "involve" me when she couldn't even be bothered to even think of adding me to the bridal party.

Maryanne8 - I have only been a bridesmaid once and it wasn't for my other sisters wedding as she couldn't afford to pay for all of us so she had none.

aunt aggie - none of my siblings said anything about it to me yet, we just haven't met up since we were told. They do get worried saying something in front of my sister.

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

shaymus27

OP,

It sounds like you have both been sibling rivals over the years.

Would you consider asking your sister to go to counselling with you to see if you could have a more harmonious sisterly relationship?

There may be fault on both sides over the years.

Maybe it's not too late to reconcile before her wedding.

Has she ever stolen one of your boyfriends? Did anything "bad" happen between you or was it always like this?

Satori Rae

Don't do it. It seems so catty the way she is treating you and cruel. Just say your not doing it she has a bridal party of 7 that should be doing it >.<

Calhoun

didntgotoplan wrote: »

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

Totally don't help her op but just to point out stuff like the above is fairly important to the whole day so she would want to go with her husband herself.

You can imagine if you pick something and she didnt like it your head would be on the block.

All that should be expected of you on the day as a regular guest is to turn up and eat your meal, maybe provide a gift. Outside of that well its non of your business.

Toots

didntgotoplan wrote: »

The thing is I'm not hurt to be not included in the bridal party (I couldn't give two f*cks because I'd have to put up with her all day), it's more the way she wants to "involve" me when she couldn't even be bothered to even think of adding me to the bridal party.

Maryanne8 - I have only been a bridesmaid once and it wasn't for my other sisters wedding as she couldn't afford to pay for all of us so she had none.

aunt aggie - none of my siblings said anything about it to me yet, we just haven't met up since we were told. They do get worried saying something in front of my sister.

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

It sounds like she's looking for a wedding planner without actually having to go and hire one!

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but who the fcuk gets their bridesmaid/s to organise the car/flowers/band etc?!?! Is that not something the bride and/or groom should be sorting out themselves? where is her husband-to-be in all this?

I'd very politely tell her to go and sh1te. You've already got the excuse with work for not taking the week before the wedding off (again WTF??) and what I'd advise you to do is to make lots of 'plans' for the coming months and pull one out of the bag each time she asks you to do something. If she complains tell her it's really something she should be doing with her fiancé or the other bridesmaids.

If she starts whinging about why aren't you doing it for her when you did it for the other sister, well the other sister didn't have any bridesmaids; she's got 7 so there's plenty of others to rope in to help.

CaraMay

It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

Princess Peach

CaraMay wrote: »

It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

In my work you can't take time off during our busy periods, but if you tell them it's for your own, or a family wedding they are pretty accommodating.

You can get the week off for your own wedding, but only a day or two for someone else's.

CaraMay

CaraMay wrote: »

It sounds strange that work won't give you leave due to the reason for the leave? It's none of their business why you are off and legally you don't have to tell them?!?!?

Maybe she asked them to word it like that! If so, good thinking!

maryk123

I agree with other poster when you are free kill her with kindness and be enthusiastic. Fantastic you can't get off work the week before. But you have to forward email to prove it to her is just awful but I can understand why. You don't want to be seen not to help. It worked really well in your favour and well done on asking for the money for different venues. You are standing up for yourself. It's a really awkward position to be in but you are doing well so far.

MagicMarker

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Maybe she asked them to word it like that! If so, good thinking!

Why did she ask at all is what I'm wondering. Use up a weeks hols for that crap? No ****in way.

Button_y

didntgotoplan wrote: »

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

I wouldn't take a week off before my own wedding, no way in hell would I take it for someone else's regardless of being in wedding party or not. My holidays are too precious. You should have told her straight out that you weren't taking holidays, rather than going round about as if you were prepared and your work won't allow you. That makes it sound like you want to take the week of to help but not allowed

My advice would be stop making excuses. Sit her down and tell her Thank you for trying to involve you in your prep but you are actually glad to not be in the bridal party as you don't want the responsibility of planning a wedding for someone else.

emuhead

Toots wrote: »

I'd very politely tell her to go and sh1te. You've already got the excuse with work for not taking the week before the wedding off (again WTF??) and what I'd advise you to do is to make lots of 'plans' for the coming months and pull one out of the bag each time she asks you to do something. If she complains tell her it's really something she should be doing with her fiancé or the other bridesmaids.

If she starts whinging about why aren't you doing it for her when you did it for the other sister, well the other sister didn't have any bridesmaids; she's got 7 so there's plenty of others to rope in to help.

I agree with this. OP you sound like such a lovely person. Relationships with siblings can change when they get married or have kids. With the greatest of respect, and from the limited information given, it sounds like your family, like many, are not comfortable with resolving things directly. But you are your own person and you don't need to be part of this dynamic. Be nice to yourself and plan nice things. That is not to say you are never available but I would limit my involvement. Your sister has made her choice - you can be assertive and if your sister chooses to cut you out, well that's her loss. Show your kind and obliging nature to people who deserve it.

Geniass

Killing a bride to be with kindness? Worst strategy ever. I don't think any bride could receive to much help, and would just think it's the done thing. Wedding hormones kick in

Worse, it could reinforce her treatment of you as acceptable.

A little off topic, but people should be entitled to a week off assuming they have days in hand and enough notice is given. The reasons for the time off are not important.

Although you'd want to have masochistic tendencies to take a week off to help your sister considering the snub and past treatment re the niblings.

Living Off The Splash

What happens if something goes wrong at the wedding....will you be the scapegoat? What happens after the wedding...will you be dropped again until you are needed again?
What has this sister done for you in the past......can you let us know?

I would suggest to your sister that you are being given an enormous responsibility and do not feel up to the workload or the challenge but would be glad to offer assistance. I certainly would not make suggestions/decisions but rather let your sister make the decisions.

I think that showing an email from your employer to your sister suggests that you are afraid of her and you felt the need to almost beg her forgiveness for not being allowed take a week off work. You do not have to justify yourself.

Have you asked her "straight out" to her face as to why she did not choose you to be part of the bridal party. One sentence to her face "Why did you not choose me to be part of your bridal party? Ask her....

fyfe79

didntgotoplan wrote: »

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

Wow. You really need to stand up for yourself. I agree with the vast amount of posters saying to decline to help because you're not part of the bridal party. The fact that you were willing to take a week off work just to help indicates that you will more than likely give in to her demands despite all the good advice here.

Do not agree to help and sabotage it, as that will only make you look bad. No, just decline to help (without being over polite but also without being argumentative - just give it to her straight).

The fact that her parents are on your side is a massive thing. It seems you're worried about not being there on the big day - so what if you're not invited to this incredibly selfish persons wedding? Who cares, shrug your shoulders, move on and do something that will make you feel like a worthwhile person that day instead of feeling like a second class citizen.

FAR too much is made of relationships with siblings. I get on well with my two sisters but have a next to non-existent relationship with my brother. My family don't mind, I don't mind and my brother doesn't mind. The world still turns.

Really OP, for your own sake, put this issue to bed sooner rather than later. Tell her you won't be helping with the wedding as you're not part of the bridal party. It's their job. If you do help, you will get no thanks, nothing will change in your relationship with your sister, and you will feel a little worse about yourself.

Someone made a good point earlier that the notion "killing them with kindness" is nonsensical - bullies/selfish people simply do not acknowledge this. Value yourself and say no, and who knows, you standing up for yourself may actually help improve your relationship with her in the long run (if that's of interest to you), as she may see you in a new light, as someone who isn't a walkover. Because at this moment in time, that's pretty much what she thinks of you.

hitbit

Hi Girl,
You're sister is using you big time.
You're just a commodity to her and only as good as the last thing you did for her.
She lumbers you with babysitting duties then does not talk to you when you are not available. no thanks for the previous freebies.
Now she wants you to do all the footwork arranging her wedding while she and her "pals" are free to enjoy the rewards of your hard work.
I'd bet mt life that you will be blamed for anything and everything that goes wrong with this wedding.
Time to wake up and smell the roses girl.
Tell your sister to have one of her "pals" attend to her wedding arrangements.
And while your at it tell her to ask one of them to take on babysitting duties.
It seems your sister is a bully who has no respect for you or your feelings and sees you as a slave to be USED to her benefit and hers alone.
Hope this does not upset you too much but you wanted an honest opinion and mine is that your sister is an asshole who will never change.
If she won' offer you respect then you DEMAND it by showing her you have more to do with your life than than run around after her.
To use Agnes Browns little gem. Tell her " thats nice ".
You'll feel the better of doing this and don't worry about her having a little tantrum and not talking to you as she will eventually when she needs to use you again. When that time comes tell her " thats Nice".
ps in case you don@t watch Mrs Brown "thats nice" is her mannerly way of telling someone to **** off.

hitbit

rainbowtrout

didntgotoplan wrote: »

She asked me on Friday to book a week off work before the wedding to help her with last minute arrangements - work told me they won't let me take a week off for a wedding that isn't' my own and one where I'm not part of the bridal party. :rolleyes: Forwarded her the email I got advising this.

Then I got a text from her again asking me if I could go to hear 3/4 of bands this weekend for her wedding since I can't help her with last minute arrangements. Most of these bands seem to be playing at places that charge to get in so I told her I would if she pays my way in as I wasn't planning on going out this weekend and am broke. Didn't get a reply back from her.

As for doing stuff for my parents, they told me to tell her to politely f*ck off. Course they wouldn't say that to her face in case she doesn't invite them.

Why would you even ask for the week off for her wedding? That's madness. I don't know anyone who has taken a week off leading up to their wedding when they are they bride or groom. Assuming you have 20 days holidays a year like a lot of people, why would you even contemplate taking 5 of them to be your sister's skivvy? She probably won't take the days off if she thinks you'll take them instead and do her donkey work for her.

As for your parents, realistically she won't not invite them because then she would have to explain to people why they weren't there and that just highlights her bad behaviour not anything about them.

didntgotoplan

Her wedding is during one of our no holiday periods in work. I knew before I asked that I wouldn't get a week approved for a wedding that isn't my own and one that I'm not part of the bridal party. However I didn't want her to throw it back in my face to say I didn't try.

shaymus27 - I don't think counselling will work as she feels we have a good relationship because she calls the shots. I also don't think she will go either. My parents were having difficulties in the past and we were asked to go to counselling and she refused to "waste her time" at it.
Yeah she has stolen boyfriends from me and my other sister before but thinking back, they weren't great boyfriends anyway... Nothing really bad happened, after she had her children she because less outgoing but that's expected.

Toots - I've never been a MOH so not sure what she does but our family do expect them to plan stuff based on what I've heard at family weddings. Her husband to be is working 60 +hours a week to pay for it as my sister wants a huge wedding.

Living Off The Splash - if something goes wrong, she will tell people I arranged it and if it goes right, she will thank them. It happened when I helped her plan her 21st so I know how she is like.

Reggie.

Hi op.

I'd be wary of helping your sister as if she has a history towards you like your describing I reckon by asking you to organise everything she could be lining you up to take all the blame/flak if something doesn't happen right on the hen or wedding itself.

You could turn into a punchbag.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Why are you still entertaining her? You sound almost afraid to say no to her. Just tell her that you won't have anything to do with the wedding planning as you aren't part of the bridal party and leave it at that. No more drama.

AoifeCork

Right, enough of th pussyfooting!!

Op you seem like a sweet, together decent girl who is being bullied by an older sibling. Nothing ,more, nothing less.
First course of action is to get support here. Do your other sisters Understand what's going on, how upset you are and what the bride is asking you to do? Going viewing bands... Are you for real? That's a fracking wedding planners job!!!

Once you have support, you need a nice long overdue chat with your sister explaining how her behaviour is unacceptable, her blatant disregard for your feelings is unreal and that you WILL not be a door mat for her for this wedding. You do not have either the time or the desire to be so centrally involved in something that you clearly were an after thought in the initially planning process of. You have your pride and your good manners and others agree with you so you are politely going to bow out and do her the courtesy of not publicly tearing her a new one, even though you would be more than entitled to do so. Not your style though!

Get over yourself bride to be! Selfishness of the highest order!!

tinkerbell

Killing the bride with kindness is a ridiculous suggestion. That's what the bride wants - a slave to do all the work for her. Killing with kindness is another phrase for "be a doormat".

OP, your sister is a self-absorbed twat. The fact that your parents told you to tell her to fck off speaks VOLUMES. Normally I'd have thought parents would be a bit more diplomatic in their approach but if they are even saying it, she must be pretty bad.

Next time she asks you to do anything, just say no - a flat no, nothing else. Text from bridezilla "come to view bands", your reply "no". Text regarding arranging flowers, your response "no", etc. Don't go into reasons why, just say no - it can be used as a full sentence after all

And if you're not invited to the wedding, well so what! It doesn't sound like it'll be much fun anyway.

Suzyq

OP,

If I were you I would involve myself in the arrangements that I thought I would enjoy and decline the rest.

Suit yourself and see what happens