Would you tell!?!?

catonthewire

implausible wrote: »

Life is not black and white.

And 'evil', really?

Nor is a person's sexuality..
This guy may never be ready to live openly with who he is, hence his not telling the OP, the numbers of apparently straight men who aren't capable of dealing with their sexuality are huge...

implausible

shaymus27 wrote: »

My main thought is why care more about this or any OP than the next victim of one of these lousy men. Why not care for them both equally ?

Because you can't!

If the OP tells, she is dragging herself back years, undoing the work needed to get over him and risking her current relationship. The new woman might be grateful and escape pain, but the OP will suffer all over again.

If she doesn't tell, the OP can move on with her life. The new woman may live in ignorant bliss or with an agreement she's worked out or may have her heart broken.

strandroad

shaymus27 wrote: »

Just thinking of all the work it's going to take the young single mother to get over him.

My main thought is why care more about this or any OP than the next victim of one of these lousy men. Why not care for them both equally ?

If you think about it, most people split up because they are not a good match but plenty split because of various transgressions - cheating, porn addiction, pathological jealousy, emotional coldness, immaturity, lack of sex drive, you name it. It's not normally practiced though to try and warn future partners when it happens. In my eyes there's a difference between contacting someone to say "your boyfriend used to beat me/your boyfriend is cheating on you"; and "your boyfriend was cheating on me and was confused sexually". It's not in OP's interest to feel that she's on a mission to deliver such messages if a) she does not know if it's still true b) it's too vague to be believed c) it may get her into trouble.

athtrasna

An ex is an ex. You move on. Their life from then on is none of your business, including relationships they get into. A desire to tell tales suggests you haven't let go OP and may need help to do so.

Mr. Incognito

Why would you meddle in your exes life.

Move. On.

otto_26

This is so complicated wrote: »

Thanks for your replies if it was a case of cheating with another woman I would walk away but it's the fact that it's transgender and other men the transgender were all pre op which means they still have their penis. I know he was visiting the transgender escort from before we were together and he told the fetishism started when he went to Thailand 2 years before our relationship.

As for sounding psychotic I actually have evidence so he couldn't deny it all.

It's the fact that if he is a closeted gay man I would never have found out if that girl hadn't contacted me and I'm forever grateful to her for that

That girl had a right to contact you because he was sending her messages on FB while going out with you.

You have no idea what he's doing and what he's like with his new girl maybe his feelings for you weren't strong enough and he ended up two timing but maybe his feeling for this new girl could be love and he might have no intention of doing these things to her...

I think you should move on with your life and leave him alone..

ibarelycare

This is so complicated wrote: »

Back again thank you so much for all you input. I think the reason I haven't told her is it upsets me to out someone's sexuality I feel no one has the right to do that. So its an a huge conflict for me as I genuinely see this n mother and feel I'm an accomplice to his deceit

His cheating for me isn't the issue...It's his sexual preferences which he has no control over that bothers me. If he is bisexual she has the right to know and make the decision wether to be in a relationship with him or not.

And yes I do consider the cheating with men and transgender women worse as I feel like he used me as a cover for his secret lifestyle. He knew I was not able to fulfill his needs in the relationship and yet he still continued it

For all you know, his girlfriend knows all about his sexual preferences. You have no idea about the dynamic of his current relationship. I understand you're hurt and bitter but you're the one who's going to come out of this looking like the bad person if you tell. Keep your nose out of other people's business and move on with your life.

jopax

ibarelycare wrote: »

For all you know, his girlfriend knows all about his sexual preferences. You have no idea about the dynamic of his current relationship. I understand you're hurt and bitter but you're the one who's going to come out of this looking like the bad person if you tell. Keep your nose out of other people's business and move on with your life.

I do think you have valid points in your post, but to be fair to the op, yes she was hurt obviously but I don't think she is coming across as being bitter.
We are talking about a young single mother here so the op is looking at her situation and has empathy for her.
I don't see anything wrong with that, if she was bitter I don't think she would be on here asking for opinions.

ibarelycare

jopax wrote: »

I do think you have valid points in your post, but to be fair to the op, yes she was hurt obviously but I don't think she is coming across as being bitter.
We are talking about a young single mother here so the op is looking at her situation and has empathy for her.
I don't see anything wrong with that, if she was bitter I don't think she would be on here asking for opinions.

I don't mean it in a negative way against OP. She's bitter, as in she's angry and resentful for how she was treated by her ex. It's completely natural.

Blue Iris

This is a classic "moral dilemma" and it is understandable that the OP is finding it hard to make a decision that sits right with her conscience. http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/moral-dilemmas/#ConMorDil

Some posters are advising self protection, others are advocating for the rights of the ex to have the freedom to live according to his own needs and values, others are prioritising the rights of the 23 year old single mother who appears to be completely in the dark and who has a young child to think of as well as herself.

I've been reading and thinking about the dilemma you find yourself in OP. I think you need to go with your own conscience, having thought it through as deeply as you can. If I were in your shoes, I think I would feel pulled to find a way to give some information to the 23 year old. The issue of right and wrong is a tricky one in this case, not to mention the highest possible good and how this can be assessed (or not)! Best of luck.

ShowMeTheCash

To the OP, I read the original post and a few responses so perhaps this has been covered.

You say he was messaging two women in secret as well as gay and transgender escorts??
Did he meet with any of them?
I think you say he claims he did not?

You then go onto say he is in the closet and gay and his family would not approve therefore is never going to be out so this new women should know!
But he was also messaging other women not just men and transgender individuals right? So it does not sound like he has an issue with dating women!

Look it is a difficult one, you got burned and I see the impact it had on you was traumatic, without being too harsh heartbreak sucks but you didn't handle it well at all!
Why you would even want to get involved I find amazing going back to a situation that at least contributed to your mental health issues I think is like kicking a bee's nest...

What is the plan? Every time this guy goes on a date you are going to land in and say he is into Trannies?

People get burned all the time, sometimes someone just telling you they don't love you anymore can just be as hard to swallow as finding out someone is into something you cannot provide them with or cheating on you with someone else.

You are happy? I suggest get on with your life and stay happy with whoever you are with and do not worry about ex's or your next post might be.
"Devastated cause bf breaks up with me due to my unhealthy infatuation with my ex's love life"

_Whimsical_

This girl is very young and has a child. Deception and hurt like this could devastate a vulnerable person's self esteem and trust in others. That will have knock on effects for her ability to parent and in turn her child. Also if he's sleeping with escorts her health could very well be at risk. I don't think you can walk away with a clear conscience and leave a young girl and child in this situation.

I think you should write her an anonymous letter and tell her. Someone has contacted you regarding it in the past, your ex sounds like he might have a string of people who are aware of his secret so it could come from anyone in his secret life. He won't be able to trace it to you, your ex might even assume it's sent by the woman who alerted you. You don't need to provide proof necessarily, you just need to plant the seed of doubt in her mind.

ShowMeTheCash

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

This girl is very young and has a child. Deception and hurt like this could devastate a vulnerable person's self esteem and trust in others. That will have knock on effects for her ability to parent and in turn her child. Also if he's sleeping with escorts her health could very well be at risk. I don't think you can walk away with a clear conscience and leave a young girl and child in this situation.

I think you should write her an anonymous letter and tell her. Someone has contacted you regarding it in the past, your ex sounds like he might have a string of people who are aware of his secret so it could come from anyone in his secret life. He won't be able to trace it to you, your ex might even assume it's sent by the woman who alerted you. You don't need to provide proof necessarily, you just need to plant the seed of doubt in her mind.

A lot of ifs.
You are making the assumption she is a vulnerable person.
You are making the assumption the new women has self-esteem issues.
You are making the assumption he ever slept with an escort.
You are now jumping to possible health issues making the assumption that if they guy is sleeping with escorts that he is also practicing unsafe sex, her risk would be no different to any new relationship.
A normal person if they are worried about sexual health and they are about to engage in a new sexual relationship might just say "Hey before we have sex I would like for both of us to get a sexual health check up"... I know a lot of women that would insist on this with a new boyfriend.

Again you seem to think she has left some poor young girl in the grips of a degenerate. Why do you think this?

The OP in her post talks about how happy she was, he obviously did not treat her poorly when they were together hence why this was such a shock he was leading this secret online life.

The guy by the sounds of it may have some sexual orientation issues questions or curiosities, yes he was a bit of a scumbag for doing this behind the OP's back, but reading the OP's posts I doubt she would be the "open minded" type that the guy could have ever told her about any of this, but I am getting into who knows territory.

There is still a question around did he actually do anything or was this just some online fantasy he was indulging in. He claims he did not meet anyone.

The rest of your post I find amazing.
The ex probably has a string of people who knows his secret??? Really why do you think that?

I am going to say this again, the OP's does this it will come across as a bitter ex getting involved in her ex's business. The OP suffered a bit of a break down after this break up I doubt very much he will need to think too hard on who contacted the new girl.

I will say this again, what is the plan here? You think the OP should contact an new romance in this guys life to sabotage it before it begins? For how long should she keep this up?

Maybe the OP was a lousy girlfriend? Maybe the boyfriend was not happy, maybe the boyfriend is gay but has not come to grips with it yet.... Maybe a lot of things...
To mess with his relationships after it is over is nothing short of vindictive.

She could also be a grown up and talk to her ex, maybe ask him what his deal is, why did he message other women... etc.. Ask about the new relationship and say are you sure about this, she is a single mother...

silverfeather

I don't think you should.

You have managed to get out of his life. I think you will end up being dragged back in.

You are not responsible for what he does to this girl. He is.

He is the one responsible for what he does.

If you start 'outing' him you don't know where that info will end up. Why have you not let go?

I would not want to get dragged into an exe's life again.

I would ask a new BF for a check up for stds anyway. I am not saying this guy is not a person to be wary of or a problem. But he is not your problem.

He will realize it was the OP. And these things spread. Especially if it's just blurted out to the new girl. What if she was to do the same ...to the next girl etc. It would just get out.

He is not your problem just leave it. Move on.

It's not your responsibility. He is to blame if he hurts her. He would be in the wrong.

catonthewire

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

This girl is very young and has a child. Deception and hurt like this could devastate a vulnerable person's self esteem and trust in others. That will have knock on effects for her ability to parent and in turn her child. Also if he's sleeping with escorts her health could very well be at risk. I don't think you can walk away with a clear conscience and leave a young girl and child in this situation.

I think you should write her an anonymous letter and tell her. Someone has contacted you regarding it in the past, your ex sounds like he might have a string of people who are aware of his secret so it could come from anyone in his secret life. He won't be able to trace it to you, your ex might even assume it's sent by the woman who alerted you. You don't need to provide proof necessarily, you just need to plant the seed of doubt in her mind.

Someone contacted her in the past to make her aware that her partner was messaging her online..
The OP found out about the escorts ect when SHE started checking for herself, she then agreed to help him keep his secret ....
Fully aware that he could go on to meet other women and form new relationships..
I honestly don't think the OP is trying to be vindictive or seeking revenge, but the new girl in his life may view her in this way....

silverfeather

catonthewire wrote: »

.
I honestly don't think the OP is trying to be vindictive or seeking revenge, but the new girl in his life may view her in this way....

She probably will.

ShowMeTheCash

catonthewire wrote: »

Someone contacted her in the past to make her aware that her partner was messaging her online..
The OP found out about the escorts ect when SHE started checking for herself, she then agreed to help him keep his secret ....
Fully aware that he could go on to meet other women and form new relationships..
I honestly don't think the OP is trying to be vindictive or seeking revenge, but the new girl in his life may view her in this way....

Best to stick to the facts here

"It took me a week to talk to him..he tried to tell me it was all a joke he'd never mer the escort and answering the gay messages he did out of curiosity but ever followed through...I felt sorry for him I didn't know what to believe but I promised him his secret was safe with me."

She promised him that she would not tell people about his curiosity, not that he was gay!

_Whimsical_

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

A lot of ifs.
You are making the assumption she is a vulnerable person.
You are making the assumption the new women has self-esteem issues.
You are making the assumption he ever slept with an escort.
You are now jumping to possible health issues making the assumption that if they guy is sleeping with escorts that he is also practicing unsafe sex, her risk would be no different to any new relationship.
A normal person if they are worried about sexual health and they are about to engage in a new sexual relationship might just say "Hey before we have sex I would like for both of us to get a sexual health check up"... I know a lot of women that would insist on this with a new boyfriend.

Again you seem to think she has left some poor young girl in the grips of a degenerate. Why do you think this?

I never said the girl in question was vulnerable, I said it could be devastating to a vulnerable person for obvious reasons. The OP herself has had great difficulty recovering from the deception she endured so there's plenty reason to believe another woman might feel the same. The OP said she found details of escorts sending times they'd be available to her bf and that he saw one she knows of while they were together. There's plenty reason to believe that risk of sexually transmitted disease is higher among people who frequent escorts.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

The OP in her post talks about how happy she was, he obviously did not treat her poorly when they were together hence why this was such a shock he was leading this secret online life.

The guy by the sounds of it may have some sexual orientation issues questions or curiosities, yes he was a bit of a scumbag for doing this behind the OP's back, but reading the OP's posts I doubt she would be the "open minded" type that the guy could have ever told her about any of this, but I am getting into who knows territory.

There is still a question around did he actually do anything or was this just some online fantasy he was indulging in. He claims he did not meet anyone.

Really???
She might not have been open minded enough to be cool with her bf answering gay personal ads and hooking with an escort to explore his sexuality while she was in a relationship. I hope for her sake that's true.
Do you think that's a reasonable way to conduct a relationship in your 30s? If he had sexual orientation issues that he wanted to actively explore he shouldn't have been in a relationship and giving the impression he's committed to a monogomous relationship.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

The rest of your post I find amazing.
The ex probably has a string of people who knows his secret??? Really why do you think that?

He's meeting escorts, he's answering personal ads, we know he's inclined toward flirting/exploring relationships with other women too from the OPs post. I very much doubt the OP is the only person who knows.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I am going to say this again, the OP's does this it will come across as a bitter ex getting involved in her ex's business. The OP suffered a bit of a break down after this break up I doubt very much he will need to think too hard on who contacted the new girl.

I'm going to say so what if she comes across bitter. She didn't write the woman off as bitter who told her about the ex's behaviour. She was grateful. I would be grateful in her shoes, I cannot think of any woman I know who wouldn't feel likewise. I'd rather do what I see as the right thing than be winning ex of the year award or caring whether people thought I was bitter or not in such a case.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Maybe the OP was a lousy girlfriend? Maybe the boyfriend was not happy, maybe the boyfriend is gay but has not come to grips with it yet.... Maybe a lot of things...

And none of those things excuse how the man in question behaved. Being confused about your sexuality is not carte blanche to mess someone around while you sort yourself out. That might wash in your late teens/early twenties but it really doesn't after that.
If he was engaging in the same behaviours like answering women's personal ads and engaging female escorts would you be as quick to put it down to him just exploring his sexual urges?Or imagine he was just writing to them for a chat to see if they'd respond? We have no reason to think he's a vulnerable character who's a drift in a sea of sexual confusion, he could just as likely as a straight man to be a cunning prick who's looking to have his cake and eat it.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

She could also be a grown up and talk to her ex, maybe ask him what his deal is, why did he message other women... etc.. Ask about the new relationship and say are you sure about this, she is a single mother...

She could do that yes. I think it is more important too because she is a single mother. There is not one single mother I've known who hasn't agonised over whether to introduce her child to a new partner and let him become a fixture in that child's life. It's not as easy dust yourself off after a knock if you've a kid consider too.
If it was me I would not be able to sit back and do nothing.

ShowMeTheCash

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I never said the girl in question was vulnerable, I said it could be devastating to a vulnerable person for obvious reasons.

You are making an argument for the OP to tell "this girl" not a girl but this girl you are suggesting she could be vulnerable. A "could be" is not a good argument.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

The OP herself has had great difficulty recovering from the deception she endured so there's plenty reason to believe another woman might feel the same.

No their isn't!
Again you are making massive leaps based on the OP's experience, I actually know very few people who needed to be medicated due to a break up.
Take the relationship on its merits, the OP says the relationship was just over a year long life was good and she was in love..

She endured knowing this for a week it made her sick.
But at the end of the day it was a 1 year relationship that did not work out!
Counselling and anti-depressants is an extreme reaction!

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

The OP said she found details of escorts sending times they'd be available to her bf and that he saw one she knows of while they were together. There's plenty reason to believe that risk of sexually transmitted disease is higher among people who frequent escorts.

Really can you show me some stats on that?
I would argue the opposite, escorts are professionals I would argue the chance of having unprotected sex with some girl down the local much higher than having unprotected sex with an escort.

Also he said he did not see one, how are you coming to conclusion he did?
I do not see where the OP said it definitely happen nor any evidence that it did. The OP is assuming he did based messages.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Really???
She might not have been open minded enough to be cool with her bf answering gay personal ads and hooking with an escort to explore his sexuality while she was in a relationship. I hope for her sake that's true.
Do you think that's a reasonable way to conduct a relationship in your 30s? If he had sexual orientation issues that he wanted to actively explore he shouldn't have been in a relationship and giving the impression he's committed to a monogomous relationship.

Did you read my response? I said it was a scumbag thing to do! However the OP has made up her mind about her ex, it clear she thinks he is gay and feels sorry for him and that he will never come out to his parents, all this despite he claims not to be.

The OP is well within her rights to be angry and to end this relationship, but she does not actually have any evidence he actually physically followed through with anything, all she has is online conversations and flirty messages.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

He's meeting escorts, he's answering personal ads, we know he's inclined toward flirting/exploring relationships with other women too from the OPs post. I very much doubt the OP is the only person who knows.

No is allegedly arranging to meet escorts and answering personal adds.
No you jump to other people must know, out of interest as he was with the OP 1 year, who else do you think would know?

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I'm going to say so what if she comes across bitter. She didn't write the woman off as bitter who told her about the ex's behaviour. She was grateful. I would be grateful in her shoes, I cannot think of any woman I know who wouldn't feel likewise. I'd rather do what I see as the right thing than be winning ex of the year award or caring whether people thought I was bitter or not in such a case.

There is a massive difference, the woman that contacted her was getting messages from the ex boyfriend of course telling her was a good thing to do, what you are suggesting is the OP now tell the new girlfriend how he wronged her without knowing if he is or will wrong the new girl-friend.

She will not only come across bitter but crazy.. Some crazy ex that cannot let it go.

Essentially what you are saying this guy is a scumbag and that he should not be allowed to peruse a new relationship without his ex telling any new potential suitor about her experience with him.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

And none of those things excuse how the man in question behaved. Being confused about your sexuality is not carte blanche to mess someone around while you sort yourself out. That might wash in your late teens/early twenties but it really doesn't after that.
If he was engaging in the same behaviours like answering women's personal ads and engaging female escorts would you be as quick to put it down to him just exploring his sexual urges?Or imagine he was just writing to them for a chat to see if they'd respond? We have no reason to think he's a vulnerable character who's a drift in a sea of sexual confusion, he could just as likely as a straight man to be a cunning prick who's looking to have his cake and eat it.

You obviously have an ax to grind here as you logic is deeply flawed!
This guy did her wrong, no on really is questioning that but you are trying to condemn this guy to being a social pariah based on his behavior with an ex-girlfriend.

Your arguments are full of non sequitur's, early teens late twenties for a man to come to terms with his sexuality... Really??? Say's who?

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

She could do that yes. I think it is more important too because she is a single mother. There is not one single mother I've known who hasn't agonised over whether to introduce her child to a new partner and let him become a fixture in that child's life. It's not as easy dust yourself off after a knock if you've a kid consider too.
If it was me I would not be able to sit back and do nothing.

[/QUOTE]

Again you are assuming the relationship will fail, you are taking the position this guy will be hooking up with gay guys, transsexuals and other women while this poor women is left none the wiser...

This guy as far as we know has done nothing wrong in his new relationship but you would actively try and destroy it based on bitter and vindictive point of view.

I actually don't know who would be worse him or someone like you!

_Whimsical_

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

You are making an argument for the OP to tell "this girl" not a girl but this girl you are suggesting she could be vulnerable. A "could be" is not a good argument.

It's not an "argument". Just a statement of fact. I never attributed any traits or characteristics to the girl at all.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

No their isn't!
Again you are making massive leaps based on the OP's experience, I actually know very few people who needed to be medicated due to a break up.
Take the relationship on its merits, the OP says the relationship was just over a year long life was good and she was in love..

She endured knowing this for a week it made her sick.
But at the end of the day it was a 1 year relationship that did not work out!
Counselling and anti-depressants is an extreme reaction!

I think you'll find that alot of people do find their trust is undermined greatly by discovering someone they're in a relationship is cheating on them or dishonest about a basic thing like their sexuality.That can lead to all sorts of consequences for different people depending how much they'd invested in the relationship or their past experiences. Writing it off as highly unusual is niave. Try working with people who suffer depression or have mental health difficult and you'll find breakdown of relationships can be extremely difficult for some people.
Knowing this,in my private life I err on the side of caution and make sure not to string people along or mess with them and I've no respect for people who do otherwise. If you can't be honest with someone you stay away. It's not difficult.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Really can you show me some stats on that?
I would argue the opposite, escorts are professionals I would argue the chance of having unprotected sex with some girl down the local much higher than having unprotected sex with an escort.

Also he said he did not see one, how are you coming to conclusion he did?
I do not see where the OP said it definitely happen nor any evidence that it did. The OP is assuming he did based messages.

She has evidence that he went to the trouble of looking for them, engaged them to the degree of enquiring for times and dates seeing as he was provided with them. I would say that indicates definite intent. I would think it's much more likely he'd lie and say he didn't meet them than admit that he was meeting men for sex and paying them.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

No is allegedly arranging to meet escorts and answering personal adds.
No you jump to other people must know, out of interest as he was with the OP 1 year, who else do you think would know?

"Allegedly"? Are you joking?
There's evidence he did that enquire for times and was provided with them and answered personal ads, no alledgedly about it, unless you are now postulating that the OP lied with the premise of her original message.
If he was doing that people could easily know. If he's contacting local men in ads they'd know, there's a possibility their friends would know. We don't know that he just recently started doing this, he might be an old hand at it. That's just as likely as not. There's no evidence to suggest for definite either way.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

You obviously have an ax to grind here as you logic is deeply flawed!
This guy did her wrong, no on really is questioning that but you are trying to condemn this guy to being a social pariah based on his behavior with an ex-girlfriend.

Your arguments are full of non sequitur's, early teens late twenties for a man to come to terms with his sexuality... Really??? Say's who?

You had difficulty understanding. I did not say that men must come to terms with their sexuality in their early 20s. I said that being in a relationship and at the same time being confused by your sexuality and exploring it can be more excusable in a younger person. As an older person it is wholly inexcusable to pursue a monogomous relationship while you're actively exploring your sexuality. By 30 if you want to try out being gay you don't string someone along while you do that.
Doing that is not being confused, that's being cruel, deceptive and manipulative.

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

This guy as far as we know has done nothing wrong in his new relationship but you would actively try and destroy it based on bitter and vindictive point of view.

I actually don't know who would be worse him or someone like you!

There's nothing vindictive about wanting to save someone from being hurt or wanting to ensure that they have the facts before their risk their heart with another person. You seem to have difficulty understanding this and under nuances. If you would prefer to find yourself with someone willing to lie to you than someone who sees that behaviour as cruel then so be it. I hope you're wiser in your choice of partners than you appear to be in your opinions.

ShowMeTheCash

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

It's not an "argument". Just a statement of fact. I never attributed any traits or characteristics to the girl at all.

I see this is lost on you, we can move on.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I think you'll find that alot of people do find their trust is undermined greatly by discovering someone they're in a relationship is cheating on them or dishonest about a basic thing like their sexuality.That can lead to all sorts of consequences for different people depending how much they'd invested in the relationship or their past experiences. Writing it off as highly unusual is niave. Try working with people who suffer depression or have mental health difficult and you'll find breakdown of relationships can be extremely difficult for some people.
Knowing this,in my private life I err on the side of caution and make sure not to string people along or mess with them and I've no respect for people who do otherwise. If you can't be honest with someone you stay away. It's not difficult.

How you live your life has nothing to do with the OP nor does it make you an authority on how people take break-ups.
Being medicated and needing counselling would suggest she did not deal with this well!

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

She has evidence that he went to the trouble of looking for them, engaged them to the degree of enquiring for times and dates seeing as he was provided with them. I would say that indicates definite intent. I would think it's much more likely he'd lie and say he didn't meet them than admit that he was meeting men for sex and paying them.

So just to condense this, he claims he did not do anything, the OP thinks he did but we have no evidence that he actually did.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

"Allegedly"? Are you joking?
There's evidence he did that enquire for times and was provided with them and answered personal ads, no alledgedly about it, unless you are now postulating that the OP lied with the premise of her original message.
If he was doing that people could easily know. If he's contacting local men in ads they'd know, there's a possibility their friends would know. We don't know that he just recently started doing this, he might be an old hand at it. That's just as likely as not. There's no evidence to suggest for definite either way.

I hope to god you never find yourself on a jury, the alleged is in reference to actually meeting up. Did he actually meet up with anyone?

We don't know if he recently started doing this??
He might be an old hand at it??

Listen to yourself, why don't we just stone him he is obviously guilty!
He might be a serial killer and likes to cross-dress at the weekend...

You start going on what you think he did you are eventually going to come to the conclusion you shouldn't think. I have no problem someone answering for their actions but the minute you get into "well I think he did" your argument is lost!

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

You had difficulty understanding. I did not say that men must come to terms with their sexuality in their early 20s. I said that being in a relationship and at the same time being confused by your sexuality and exploring it can be more excusable in a younger person.

Why, or do you just pull these kind of statement out of your hat?

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

As an older person it is wholly inexcusable to pursue a monogomous relationship while you're actively exploring your sexuality.

Again why? I have seen many circumstances where men and or women who have had families are in the later stages of their lives and decide to get a sex change or decide to come out, you seem to think that age should somehow have a baring of someone understanding of themselves or that getting older somehow changes how they think the world views them or the pressures are under...

You seem to have a very narrow view on this...

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

By 30 if you want to try out being gay you don't string someone along while you do that.

Is that was he was doing? Did he actually meet up with anyone?

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Doing that is not being confused, that's being cruel, deceptive and manipulative.

You see things very black and white, he could be confused as well as being cruel, deceptive and manipulative who knows!

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

There's nothing vindictive about wanting to save someone from being hurt or wanting to ensure that they have the facts before their risk their heart with another person.

Do you not risk your heart with every new relationship?
I once dated a woman, she was bi-polar a complete nightmare to deal with, would not wish her on my worst enemy, her parents who where lovely used to cry with what they had to put up with, with her!
Would you think it fair if I seen her out on a date that I tell the new guy that "Here listen dude, this one is in need of serious help and will make your life a misery".

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

You seem to have difficulty understanding this and under nuances. If you would prefer to find yourself with someone willing to lie to you than someone who sees that behavior as cruel then so be it. I hope you're wiser in your choice of partners than you appear to be in your opinions.

You seem to find it difficult to follow basic logic, you are willing to punish a new relationship with no evidence of wrong doing simply because there is some evidence of bad behavior in a previous one, you seem to have a bag full of your own issues stating what you would do and things that happened in your past and appear to be reflecting your own hiccups onto the OP.

If she became aware of something that her ex did whilst with this new girl then she might have ground to bring something up..

In life I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt if I am wrong I deal with it, you can go with the guilty unless proven innocent attitude if you wish you sound like a real upbeat person to be around!

strobe

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

This girl is very young and has a child. Deception and hurt like this could devastate a vulnerable person's self esteem and trust in others. That will have knock on effects for her ability to parent and in turn her child. Also if he's sleeping with escorts her health could very well be at risk. I don't think you can walk away with a clear conscience and leave a young girl and child in this situation.

I think you should write her an anonymous letter and tell her. Someone has contacted you regarding it in the past, your ex sounds like he might have a string of people who are aware of his secret so it could come from anyone in his secret life. He won't be able to trace it to you, your ex might even assume it's sent by the woman who alerted you. You don't need to provide proof necessarily, you just need to plant the seed of doubt in her mind.

So your suggestion is that a potentially vulnerable person should have an anonymous letter sent to her saying "I dated your boyfriend, I think he was cheating on me with transexuals and he's probably going to do it to you to..." when their may be no need whatsoever,and that will not effect her self esteem and trust in others, in your mind?

If it turns out he is actually cheating on her, then yes, that could well effect her self esteem and give her trust issues. Your way there is no if at all. Sure do it anyway.

Both your and the OP's concern for the girl in question seem to ring pretty hollow from my interpretation of the thread. More a desire for revenge and fvck whoever gets caught up in the collateral damage attitude.

catonthewire

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Best to stick to the facts here

"It took me a week to talk to him..he tried to tell me it was all a joke he'd never mer the escort and answering the gay messages he did out of curiosity but ever followed through...I felt sorry for him I didn't know what to believe but I promised him his secret was safe with me."

She promised him that she would not tell people about his curiosity, not that he was gay!

Out of the blue I receive a facebook message from a girl who tells me she's very sorry but my by has been sending her flirty messages and she doesn't even know him but shed been cheated on in the past and felt I should know.

That night for the first time ever I went through his phone. I'd trusted him completely never even crossed my mind he'd do this...and my world collapsed he was fb messaging that girl and 2 others...I thought it couldn't get any worse but in his emails he was answering personal ads to gay men how I kept my cool I don't know but then the final straw he had messages from escorts with times and dates one was while we were together. ..and when I looked her up on the escort website...she was transgender!!! My world crashed Down I had been drinking so I lay beside him silently crying I actually felt my heart break.

Next morning I got up and lleft leaving the phone open on the escort messages. It took me a week to talk to him..he tried to tell me it was all a joke he'd never mer the escort and answering the gay messages he did out of curiosity but ever followed through...I felt sorry for him I didn't know what to believe but I promised him his secret was safe with me.




Yes , above are the facts, she promised to keep his secret safe, the secret that he was in contact with escorts ect....
Now unless she thought this guy was intending on living the rest of his life as a monk, common sense would suggest he would meet other women...
Why decide to risk her own happiness by getting involved with a serial cheater, who caused her so much mental anguish...

_Whimsical_

strobe wrote: »

So your suggestion is that a potentially vulnerable person should have an anonymous letter sent to her saying "I dated your boyfriend, I think he was cheating on me with transexuals and he's probably going to do it to you to..." when their may be no need whatsoever,and that will not effect her self esteem and trust in others, in your mind?

If it turns out he is actually cheating on her, then yes, that could well effect her self esteem and give her trust issues. Your way there is no if at all. Sure do it anyway.

Both your and the OP's concern for the girl in question seem to ring pretty hollow from my interpretation of the thread. More a desire for revenge and fvck whoever gets caught up in the collateral damage attitude.

Well your interpretation in this case is completely incorrect and you have misinterpreted me.

ShowMeTheCash you haven't said anything new at all that I can respond to so I don't see the point in us going round in circles all night. I could keep picking apart your posts all night but I don't think anything would be achieved but points scoring, points I don't need and I'm sure you don't either.I see it differently than you. I stand over my opinion.

Attributing vindictive motivation to me I think is totally foundless, I've explained why I think the op should tell the girl, I expressed and feel no desire to punish anyone involved. I hope if I'm ever in that situation that someone would tell me.

Call me Al

Don't get involved.
You know nothing about their sexual abd emotional relationship. He may have been open about his past with his new partner, he may have told her all about why you broke up with him.
You need to move on and not get sucked back into his life and any issues he might have.
The only reason the last lady contacted you was because he was sending her unwanted and inappropriate Facebook messages so she was involved.

This right now is nothing to do with you.

ShowMeTheCash

catonthewire wrote: »

Out of the blue I receive a facebook message from a girl who tells me she's very sorry but my by has been sending her flirty messages and she doesn't even know him but shed been cheated on in the past and felt I should know.

That night for the first time ever I went through his phone. I'd trusted him completely never even crossed my mind he'd do this...and my world collapsed he was fb messaging that girl and 2 others...I thought it couldn't get any worse but in his emails he was answering personal ads to gay men how I kept my cool I don't know but then the final straw he had messages from escorts with times and dates one was while we were together. ..and when I looked her up on the escort website...she was transgender!!! My world crashed Down I had been drinking so I lay beside him silently crying I actually felt my heart break.

Next morning I got up and lleft leaving the phone open on the escort messages. It took me a week to talk to him..he tried to tell me it was all a joke he'd never mer the escort and answering the gay messages he did out of curiosity but ever followed through...I felt sorry for him I didn't know what to believe but I promised him his secret was safe with me.




Yes , above are the facts, she promised to keep his secret safe, the secret that he was in contact with escorts ect....
Now unless she thought this guy was intending on living the rest of his life as a monk, common sense would suggest he would meet other women...
Why decide to risk her own happiness by getting involved with a serial cheater, who caused her so much mental anguish...

That could be the case or maybe not, we simply don't know!
There is a huge difference between flirty messages and talking about doing something and actually following through with something.

What I am saying is this, if you catch someone cheating you catch them. If this fb friend said "Hey I slept with your bf" then we have a different scenario.
There is no doubt the bf betrayed her trust but we do not know how far it actually went!
If my wife walks in on me watching p0rn she might be upset does not mean I starred or want to star in a p0rn movie!
Again the OP is well within her right to dump this guy based on the messages alone but you like some of the others have jumped straight to "we will meet other woman" and "serial cheater".

You do know the difference between what we know and what we might think?

ShowMeTheCash

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Well your interpretation in this case is completely incorrect and you have misinterpreted me.

ShowMeTheCash you haven't said anything new at all that I can respond to so I don't see the point in us going round in circles all night. I could keep picking apart your posts all night but I don't think anything would be achieved but points scoring, points I don't need and I'm sure you don't either.I see it differently than you. I stand over my opinion.

Attributing vindictive motivation to me I think is totally foundless, I've explained why I think the op should tell the girl, I expressed and feel no desire to punish anyone involved. I hope if I'm ever in that situation that someone would tell me.

People see it as vindictive because you have judged this guy wholeheartedly. You have blinkers on and can only see this from one-side.

To try and see some common ground, you could be right this guy could be the wrong guy for this women or any women for that matter I would consider myself a fairly intelligent guy but I would not for a second think to know what is best for other people, you are either really smart and know what's best for everyone or you are not as half as smart as you think...

Cheating it cheating whether it be with a man a woman or whoever but I see you seem to think it is a bigger deal because he might be bi-sexual?

Let's just say the OP found out her ex was cheating on her with a woman and she broke it off, do you think the OP should tell the new woman of his infidelity? Or is your biased only attributed towards possible gay/bi-sexual people?

catonthewire

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

That could be the case or maybe not, we simply don't know!
There is a huge difference between flirty messages and talking about doing something and actually following through with something.

What I am saying is this, if you catch someone cheating you catch them. If this fb friend said "Hey I slept with your bf" then we have a different scenario.
There is no doubt the bf betrayed her trust but we do not know how far it actually went!
If my wife walks in on me watching p0rn she might be upset does not mean I starred or want to star in a p0rn movie!
Again the OP is well within her right to dump this guy based on the messages alone but you like some of the others have jumped straight to "we will meet other woman" and "serial cheater".

You do know the difference between what we know and what we might think?

With respect Showmethecash, I am not assuming that this guy is a serial cheater based on evidence, rather on the fact in the mind of the OP, what he did ie the messages to other women, contact with escorts ect was cheating and as it took place throughout their time together , then it is serial cheating ..

You claim that there is no proof he won't go on to form new relationships , well actualy HE DID, he is now with another partner...
This was my reason for wondering why the OP was happy at the time to keep his secret safe, yet it must have crossed her mind that this would happen..

Ultimately we all decide what constitutes cheating, in another thread I stated this, in this case he was over a long period of time in contact with women and escorts..
Cheating in the mind of the OP...
IMO, it doesn't matter who he was contacting, his or their sexuality, as I already stated earlier for me this has no bearing on the subject, rather it's the fact that unknown to her he had regular contact with people he was sexualy drawn to..

Call me Al

Op, Is this new girlfriend a relative or good friend of yours?

Assuming they split up, are you going to tell his next partner, and his next partner ad infinitum simply because you deem them "vulnerable"?

It really isn't your place to do or say anything wrt this man's private life since you have no involvement with one another anymore.

ShowMeTheCash

catonthewire wrote: »

With respect Showmethecash, I am not assuming that this guy is a serial cheater based on evidence, rather on the fact in the mind of the OP, what he did ie the messages to other women, contact with escorts ect was cheating and as it took place throughout their time together , then it is serial cheating ..

Throughout this thread it would appear the OP thinks he actually met up with an escort and or some dude, somehow I do not think her argument is she believes he is a cheater just for the messages.

catonthewire wrote: »

You claim that there is no proof he won't go on to form new relationships , well actualy HE DID, he is now with another partner...

What are you talking about? They broke up, he is dating someone knew! He did not start dating this new girl until after him and the OP broke up.
I said we do not know if he actually physically cheating on his ex while he was dating his ex,

catonthewire wrote: »

This was my reason for wondering why the OP was happy at the time to keep his secret safe, yet it must have crossed her mind that this would happen..

Yeah look I think you are now making weird scenarios up, the OP agreed to keep his secret safe due to the family, she said that his/her family where shocked they broke up, when asked they just said it was the distance and not "The reason we broke up is because your son is trying to meet men and transsexuals online." Also perhaps she said this just so their friends do not find out.

catonthewire wrote: »

Ultimately we all decide what constitutes cheating, in another thread I stated this, in this case he was over a long period of time in contact with women and escorts..
Cheating in the mind of the OP...

Again why are you trying to speak for the OP.. Cheating in the mind of the OP you are not the OP, it is clear the OP at very least thinks her ex boyfriend has actually acted upon the things she has found... Also long period of time? The OP and this guy dated just over a year... Long period of time? How long?

You want to call it cheating sure we can call it cheating... You tell your friend tomorrow I caught my bf cheating they will assume you caught him with another woman as would most normal people, you could however go onto say, well it was just messages or some online thing but they never met.
Still bad but cheating and serial cheater is deliberately miss-leading you say that and people will think they had sex or at very least were physical in some way.

catonthewire wrote: »

IMO, it doesn't matter who he was contacting, his or their sexuality, as I already stated earlier for me this has no bearing on the subject, rather it's the fact that unknown to her he had regular contact with people he was sexualy drawn to..

I agree, what we know he was doing was not nice! At no point do I think what this guy was doing behind her back is excusable, but that is not what this thread is about, the thread is about should the OP tell his new girlfriend and why?