Big decision

Bigtoe107

Hi guys/gals

I have a bit of a dilemma which has been bothering me for a while now. The decision is basically whether I should come home or not ( I live in China).

Bit of background: I'm quite a young chap and came out here directly after finishing my masters. I have been here almost two years and in that time I have made quite a few friends and my Chinese has improved to a now intermediate level. I work as an English teacher here, but have been offered a position in the best university in the country teaching literature.
This is a major opportunity for me to return to academia and to bulk up my Cv while still learning Chinese and living in China. The job also involves a decent enough pay rise and a 4 day working week, plus it would give me weekends off and a more central location in the city.

Seems like too good an opportunity to waste but there are some complications. 6 months ago I faced a similar decision, my then long-term girlfriend of 9 years wanted to go home (China was intially my idea and she wanted to pursue higher education at home), I decided to stick it out and try to save some cash. That was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life as I still love her and imagine myself one day marrying her.

In the end, I feel like the decision was a correct one and it appeared that way at first as I kept myself very busy by going to the gym, playing music and a number of other things including working towards opening my own brewery. However, she has recently been in contact and talking to her just made everything rush back and made me realise how much I missed her. Added to this is that she is not having the best time of it at home due to some close family illnesses and I feel like I should be there for her.


The whole thing basically boils down to this.....On the one side: My life here is great, I am being creative, my career is moving upwards and I have a lot of disposable income/my own place. Staying would also fit into my original view of how my life would pan out I feel like if I went home I would have to dive on the first job I got just to keep my head above water. Also, everybody I talk to including my parents seem to be advising me to stay here as coming home seems like a permanent decision.

On the other side: Home is where the heart is and part of me really wants to go home for a while. Also, some of my friends will be leaving and I'm kind of worried that the move to a new job and location coupled with this could see me in a rather lonely position come next winter. In addition, I feel like if I don't go home I'm throwing away basically the love of my life as I can't imagine ever having that kind of bond again. (we essentially grew up together)

Sorry about the length but sometimes it's good to ramble I think. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it!

Mr. Incognito

I think you already made the decision between her and china.

You just need to reaffirm it.

If she feels the same way she can come to you.

You have to be selfish when you are young. You could provide for her there, not at home.

beks101

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I think you already made the decision between her and china.

You just need to reaffirm it.

If she feels the same way she can come to you.

You have to be selfish when you are young. You could provide for her there, not at home.

Agree with this.

I think this is a deeply personal thing and no-one here can tell you what's right for you.

But I'll tell you what I'd do. You're about mid twenties, right? I'd be taking that job and jumping up my career by a good few ranks, with a medium-term goal of moving home in a year or two once I'd managed to save a good deal and had added a fair amount of invaluable experience to my CV.

If you're being offered a significant pay rise, surely a few trips home/flying your gf over in the interim will be a way of keeping the relationship going in the mean time? I understand the pain and worry of not being there for your gf while she's going through some turbulence - I guess that's something you'll need to figure out yourself in terms of being for there but settling for what would likely be a frustrating professional/social/personal life versus staying put and progressing in your life goals so you can set yourself (and indeed, both of you) up for a better life in the long run.

I'm in a different industry to you, but I think it's true of all professions that international experience is really what adds to your market value and sets you out from the rest more than any other professional attribute. I've had opportunities both at home and abroad handed to me on a plate as a result of working for some big companies across a variety of countries.

I know which one I'd be choosing.

tampopo

You've made friends where you are. You'll make friends at your new location.

My vote: Stay.

CaraMay

Have ye broken up already?

Bigtoe107

Thanks for the replies so far they are very helpful.

The thing about having previously made the decision rings true but at the same time I had no savings at all at that point so my decision was partially financially motivated. However, this could be something I have been telling myself to avoid the reality of the relationship ending......

It's tough because I feel like I would like to go home for maybe 6 months and then head back out maybe to S America to learn Spanish and work. However, I feel like going home is a fast track to a mortgage and kids which to be honest I am not ready for and won't be for at least another 8 years. I do feel though that doing the whole mortgage and kids thing with someone else is unthinkable at the moment.

It feels like this is a genuine crossroads in my life and one which I will always look back on with a "what if" attitude. The pressure of the decision is also seriously starting to affect my mental health and is playing on my mind all the time.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply. It's helpful

Bigtoe107

CaraMay wrote: »

Have ye broken up already?

Yeah we have, we essentially broke up with an agreement to get back together when/if I came back. We are on very good terms and I feel like she will always be a part of my life. This is also making me feel guilty as I don't want her to be waiting around for me or worrying whether I will be back or not. She has enough to deal with at the minute.

CaraMay

What age are you op? About 26? Is she the same age? She probably won't want to wait til 34 to start trying for kids. You really sound all over the shop so it's time to let her go so she can meet someone at home who she can have a full relationship with. You do your travelling and maybe you might meet someone else while away. You can't keep holding her especially when you won't commit for another 8 years

Sound Bite

Hi Op, just wondering how old you are? if you are still very young I'd stay. I'd probably stay anyway tbh. What can't she move to you?

strandroad

CaraMay wrote: »

What age are you op? About 26? Is she the same age? She probably won't want to wait til 34 to start trying for kids. You really sound all over the shop so it's time to let her go so she can meet someone at home who she can have a full relationship with. You do your travelling and maybe you might meet someone else while away. You can't keep holding her especially when you won't commit for another 8 years

I second that, if your ex was ready to settle down she wouldn't want to wait 8 years, and you should not make her. Splitting up was a good decision, don't mess with her life now, just live yours!

shalalala

I think that if you came home to be with her, you would end up resenting her if you ended up in a life that wasn't what you imagined.

Minera

IMO if you think this girl is the "one", then coming home to do the whole kids and mortgage thing shouldn't fill you with dread or doubt. The same applies to her, if you were her "one" she would go to you! You've already made your decision.

Eeden

Bigtoe107 wrote: »

Yeah we have, we essentially broke up with an agreement to get back together when/if I came back. We are on very good terms and I feel like she will always be a part of my life. This is also making me feel guilty as I don't want her to be waiting around for me or worrying whether I will be back or not. She has enough to deal with at the minute.

I don't understand this. In my mind, if you've broken up, it means that there can't be an agreement to get back together, because that implies a commitment. You are either fooling yourselves, or you are fooling any potential in-the-meantime partners.

Bigtoe107

Just to clarify I'm 24 she's 23. I don't think she wants to "settle down" now or even in the near future it's just she is about to enter a 2 year masters and after that I would assume she would want to enter into a career in her field at home (which is understandable), so I feel like coming home now is basically coming home for good.

We have no commitment really we just sort of said that we would give it another shot again.


Thank you all for the replies, seems to be all going in one direction.

Merkin

Having Mandarin is such an invaluable commodity, I'd be staying put until you've reached advanced level and enjoy yourself as much as possible. Beijing is a great city.

It sounds like you'd be going home on a bit of a whim. You've broken up with the girl and if you were both wholeheartedly committed you probably wouldn't have parted ways in the first place.

You're young so embrace this opportunity and look forward instead of back. I'd also call time on the relationship once and for all as a protracted breakup isn't fair on anyone.

Bigtoe107

Just thought I would update people on this.

I stayed in the end and it was definitely the best decision I could have made. Reading back over this thread, I was totally all over the place at the time but am now in a much better place. My career is moving up, I'm doing some postgrad work and research, and my Chinese is still improving.

It was very helpful at the time to just write everything down and see what people had to say so thank you all.

Kidchameleon

Fair play bigtoe

Merkin

Thanks for update, it's lovely to hear feedback when issues have resolved themselves so positively. I'll close the thread now but if you want it reopened at any time just drop one of the Mod team a PM.

Hao yun!