Is there a difference between "a drink problem" and "an alcoholic"?

Wtwasithinkin

I'm not sure how to describe my question.
My OH is the child product of 2 "heavy drinkers". Both were functional, one more so than the other. One of their parents died and the other had become much less functional. We have always been able to talk about it. Accepting they were alcoholics was a difficult process for my OH which took years. Once it was accepted my OH attend Al Anon for a few weeks but left once they felt it no longer helped after the death of their parent. My OH told me that they felt guilty because they didn't experience the terrible childhood things they heard about at meetings. OH felt that their childhood was relatively normal in comparison.

My real issue now is OH has some real behavioural issues themselves around alcohol. They refuse to address this. They do not drink often but when they do its always to get drunk. There is never such a thing as a few drinks. If a night is planned out OH behaviour is weird(difficult to describe so bear with me). They gets anxious, excitable, twitchy,full of energy all day. Joyful almost and then always wants to leave ridiculously early. Any suggestion that they take it easy or plans that might interfere with a night out is met with filibustering, anger, distraction, and invariably ends with us rowing and them declaring well I just won't go so. OH thinks I deliberately try to sabotage nights out so they can't drink (we are rural so driving home is always an issue). I can't figure out if there's a real problem. I admit one always had a fear OH may end up with a problem so maybe I am seeing things where there is nothing. Maybe I do sabotage things. The rows that start around alcohol always end up being about how I am. I think it's deflection but I'm too close to be clear.
I think his relationship with alcohol can never be regular.

Queen-Mise

The difference between 'a drink problem' and an 'alcoholic' is in my opinion six of one and half a dozen of the other really, or two sides of the same coin. Does it really matter what title you put on the situation, if there is a situation to be talked about?

I'd go to a few Al-anon meetings yourself, and see can you identify with any of the other speakers when they are talking.

And god forbid, he is an alcoholic, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it, until the person themselves seeks help, asks, and/or accepts help. You can look after yourself and develop strategies around it.

Personally, and this is my opinion, and has ABSOLUTELY no medical or professional backing, I always get very wary/concerned when I see the personality change with very little alcohol. To me that is a red flag.

MrWalsh

I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I can identify with a lot of things in your post.

I didnt experience a terrible childhood at all tbh, it was later that things got abnormal. Accepting my father was an alcoholic was very difficult for me also.

I had issues with alcohol myself for a long time. I drank to get drunk. I drank to excess. I had no concept of a couple of drinks - if I thought I was going to only have a couple of drinks I saw it as a waste and Id rather drink water. Didnt understand the point of alcohol if it wasnt to get drunk, and blazing drunk at that.

It was Alanon that actually resolved a lot of it for me. That and something that I decided to try for no good reason except to try it - I gave up alcohol entirely for a year. After that year I never went back to the same binge drinking ways of the past. I was also in Alanon all that time so I worked on myself and tried to resolve the various issues I had as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home.

I found that there is a good bit of literature out there about adult children of alcoholics and I recognised myself in many descriptions of traits that they may have. It helped me to try to understand myself. I have a sibling who refused to accept that he had also been damaged by his upbringing and he is now what is considered a dry drunk, he doesnt drink but manifests all the behaviour of an alcoholic all the same.

It comes down to a very very simple bottom line. If alcohol is causing problems in your life, then stop drinking. Those problems can be rows just as much as they can be drunken behaviours.

I dont think any child of an alcoholic escapes unscathed. But it is possible to work on yourself and resolve issues.

I agree that you should go to Alanon yourself. If your OH left after a few weeks then he may not have been ready for it.

Wtwasithinkin

I've read as much as I could on adult children of alcoholics. Im amazed by how the behaviour/thinking process you described MrWalshe could have been written by my OH. When he was coming to terms with his fathers and mothers drinking, I am the type who learns as much as possible, he isn't acedemic and i tried to explain as much as possible but it was too personal coming from me. The illness and subsequent death of his dad is what brought him to Alanon. He found it difficult and a bit like he was being disloyal by attending at first but he did seem to take a lot from it. When I try and show him how his behavior is affected it is way too close to the bone, and coming from me it seems like an attack.

valoren

I try to use a scenario in my head where one day there are 6 cans of beer in the fridge.

A Problem drinker would simply drink what is there in this scenario. They would drink all six. They drink 'whatever is going' in essence. They drink it because it is there.

A moderation/controlled drinker would only drink what they felt like drinking. If there was six cans, then they might only have one with a meal or perhaps another but they leave it at that. Therein lies the control. They might not have any at all or they would have 3 for the evening and save the rest for another day etc etc.

The alcoholic drinks all that is there irregardless. They don't really drink the cans they simply consume them. With no enjoyment just simple consumption. But the kicker for me is that they would consume all the drink and purposely seek out more, they need more to feel drunk. Such as drink driving after six cans to the off license for more. They are compelled to consume more and don't consider their own safety or health (or others) due to the compulsion to get more.

Abcxyz12345

Hi, I still sometimes struggle with the titles we attribute to people who drink alcohol & I have in the past year identified as an alcoholic! If drinking alcohol is causing problems - for the drinker or others - then that's serious. If a person can cut back on their alcohol intake or put measures in place to manage it (eat regularly, drink water, limit drinks etc) then brilliant. I tried those things & couldn't maintain them so for me I have accepted that my life is healthier if I don't drink alcohol at all. As I tried stopping drinking alcohol before & again didn't maintain it I now use supports to help me with this.

My perception of an alcoholic tho prevented me from accepting how harmful alcohol was for me for many years as I in no way identified with that image. So my 2 cents is to try not to get too caught up in labels & instead just look at the behaviors & impact etc. As said above tho it's really down to your partner to make changes re his alcohol intake & I would recommend Al-anon for yourself. Good luck x

Amazingfun

Just sharing a resource that might be of interest. This site is a goldmine for AA speakers and they have a section for families of alkies too, featuring AL ANON speakers. I can't vouch for those talks but as the AA speaker quality is first class I am sure these will be worth a listen too. Best of luck:https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuSJRom1_4kA7dEzO0R4iflWVEf4qZ3B7

Sunnyisland

You know, ultimately it doesn't matter if other people think your drinking isn't too bad (yet) or if other people drink more than you. If you're not happy with your drinking, that's what matters.:-)

tastyt

Friend of mine drinks very seldom. When he does he does absolutely stupid out of character things which have really effected his life in a negative way.

Is that more of a drink problem as he might only drink once every 2 months?

Sunnyisland

tastyt wrote: »

Friend of mine drinks very seldom. When he does he does absolutely stupid out of character things which have really effected his life in a negative way.

Is that more of a drink problem as he might only drink once every 2 months?

I can't say wether he has a drink problem or not ,no one here can,but when he drinks and getting/causing trouble for himself and others obviously there is a problem somewhere,maybe he needs to go and get some professional help.we are here just a support group and can't give medical or professional advice. Hope he gets sorted.

MrWalsh

tastyt wrote: »

Friend of mine drinks very seldom. When he does he does absolutely stupid out of character things which have really effected his life in a negative way.

Is that more of a drink problem as he might only drink once every 2 months?

Personally if alcohol made me do things that affected my life in a negative way, no matter how seldom, I just wouldnt drink.