Wife resents me

gumbry

Hi all,

I am in need of some help. I met my wife 3 and a half years ago, and our relationship got off to a very rocky start. She is Brazilian, and sacrificed her life there to stay her with me. I was unemployed at the time... More than that I was a fool. I was immature. I was not active enough. I was lazy. And over the course of two and a half years, my wife fell in to the depths of depression, to the extent that she cut herself. We were sharing a house together, with 3 other people, and out life was tough. But she lost so much. She lost her family, friends, culture, career... her life. On our wedding day, she was depressed, bored, numb. She can never get that back. Now she feels lost and dead inside.
In the last year, things have improved. However we are now at a baseline, and where we should never have dropped below. Times are still a little tough, but we have our own place.
I would do anything to help her, and I want nothing more than to make her happy. But when she looks at me, she sees the man who ruined her life. She resents me for everything she lost. She doesn't want to fight anymore. She just wants peace, and to start again with her life on her own. It is my fault. I wasn't man enough to take care of her. But how do I get her to not hate me? How can I get her to look at me and not feel pain and hatred? How do I get her to look at me, and see the future we once dreamed of? Or am I delusional, and just need to accept that it's over?

So long as she resents me, we have no future. And anything I give her will be tainted by past mistakes.

Please help me. I love her. I cannot lose her. I really can't imagine a life without her in it.

bp

I think couples counselling would be the first step - you need to talk everything through in a safe environment.

Good luck and I really hope you can work through this

Tigger99

Ok you were lazy and unmotivated. By why is all the blame on your shoulders? What's stopping her making friends, joining Brazilian clubs to feel like she has some of her culture?

Can she not work here?

It sounds to me like nothing you could have done would ever be good enough?

skallywag

Gumbry, a woman does not cut helfself because her man is lazy, she does this because she has serious mental health issues which need to be addressed.

gumbry

Tigger99 wrote: »

Ok you were lazy and unmotivated. By why is all the blame on your shoulders? What's stopping her making friends, joining Brazilian clubs to feel like she has some of her culture?

Can she not work here?

It sounds to me like nothing you could have done would ever be good enough?

She can, and we both have jobs now. But she still missed out on 2 years of living. She still lost out on her wedding day and so much more. She had friends here, but over time they all left to go back to Brazil. The blame is on my shoulders because, as old fashioned and sexist as this may sound, it is my responsibility as the man of the household to take care of her. More so in this case as she was the foreigner and I the native.

@skallywag, I agree. She was seriously depressed. But the depression was triggered because of our situation, and the situation was a result of who I was. I didn't do anything to cause it, but I did nothing to prevent it either.

I just want her to not feel pain and sadness when she sees me. I want her to love me like she once did. But maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe the right thing to do is let her go? I really don't know....

gumbry

Tigger99 wrote: »

Ok you were lazy and unmotivated. By why is all the blame on your shoulders? What's stopping her making friends, joining Brazilian clubs to feel like she has some of her culture?

Can she not work here?

It sounds to me like nothing you could have done would ever be good enough?

She can, and we both have jobs now. But she still missed out on 2 years of living. She still lost out on her wedding day and so much more. She had friends here, but over time they all left to go back to Brazil. The blame is on my shoulders because, as old fashioned and sexist as this may sound, it is my responsibility as her husband to take care of her. More so in this case as she was the foreigner and I the native.

@skallywag, I agree. She was seriously depressed. But the depression was triggered because of our situation, and the situation was a result of who I was. I didn't do anything to cause it, but I did nothing to prevent it either.

I just want her to not feel pain and sadness when she sees me. I want her to love me like she once did. But maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe the right thing to do is let her go? I really don't know....

Addle

Lots of people have a bad time of it, they don't all get depressed.
Your wife can't keep living in the past, and it's not your fault if she does so.
Life should be about your present and your future.
She should see her GP.

bee06

gumbry wrote: »

The blame is on my shoulders because, as old fashioned and sexist as this may sound, it is my responsibility as the man of the household to take care of her. More so in this case as she was the foreigner and I the native.

I'm sorry but this is rubbish. Every person has responsibility for themselves and their choices. You didn't force her to stay in Ireland, she chose to. You didn't cause her depression either. Depression is a complex illnes and certainly not caused by someone's husband being lazy etc.

I can't really tell from your posts if she has dealt with her depression but if she hasn't then she needs to see a doctor. Couples counselling as someone else suggested would be good to deal with the issues in your past and move forward.

And finally, if she really is so miserable here would both of you moving to Brazil be an option?

gumbry

bee06 wrote: »

I'm sorry but this is rubbish. Every person has responsibility for themselves and their choices. You didn't force her to stay in Ireland, she chose to. You didn't cause her depression either. Depression is a complex illnes and certainly not caused by someone's husband being lazy etc.

I can't really tell from your posts if she has dealt with her depression but if she hasn't then she needs to see a doctor. Couples counselling as someone else suggested would be good to deal with the issues in your past and move forward.

And finally, if she really is so miserable here would both of you moving to Brazil be an option?

Environmental circumstances can trigger depression. I'm not saying that my laziness caused it, but the results of my laziness was a big problem, and caused us to reach a very low level. I do feel couples counselling would be a benefit for us, but she has said she's tired of fighting, and I really don't know if she would be up for it. We have talked about going to Brazil, but during the bad times, she says it wouldn't work. The economy is too bad, and I don't speak Portuguese, and she would have to essentially train me to live there.
I really feel like she has already given up on us. That after 3 years of fighting with the situation, and she is exhausted and not physically able to do it anymore.

Addle

She chose to stay with you, despite your laziness.

Are you looking for an excuse to end your relationship?

bee06

If you've been together for three and a half years and fighting for three then to be honest it sounds like you shouldn't have got married in the first place. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. When a couple does hit a rocky part in the relationship it's usually the good stuff that pulls them through IMO. it sounds like you don't have much good memories of the time you've been together?

gumbry

Addle wrote: »

She chose to stay with you, despite your laziness.

Are you looking for an excuse to end your relationship?

Addle, that's the last thing I want to do. I'm fighting to keep her with me, but I fear she does want it to end. I fear that she can't overcome the past, and our relationship may be forever stained because of that.

I really want to fix her. But how can I do that if she's given up?

gumbry

bee06 wrote: »

If you've been together for three and a half years and fighting for three then to be honest it sounds like you shouldn't have got married in the first place. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. When a couple does hit a rocky part in the relationship it's usually the good stuff that pulls them through IMO. it sounds like you don't have much good memories of the time you've been together?

I do Bee. My life was never better. We fight on occasions. Every other month, something will happen, or I will do something stupid, and it brings it all back up. But between the arguments, it's wonderful. It's so easy, so comfortable, so natural. For me anyway. I thought it was for her too. When we fight, and when she is in a bad place, she says that she can't relax with me as I am the source of all the pain. But in the good times, it's different and she acts so happy, and rushes to be with me. I don't even know which is the truth anymore....

Emme

gumbry wrote: »

I really want to fix her. But how can I do that if she's given up?

Only she can fix herself. You can support her and help her. I think a visit to the GP might help her as well.

But only she can fix herself.

gumbry

Emme wrote: »

Only she can fix herself. You can support her and help her. I think a visit to the GP might help her as well.

But only she can fix herself.

So there's basically nothing I can do if she has given up fighting.

Addle

gumbry wrote: »

So there's basically nothing I can do if she has given up fighting.

Have you been to your GP?

mapaca

OP, you can't fix her, you can only support and help her to seek treatment for her issues. Have a look at the Aware website for info on depression and ways to help.

I think you could both do with some counselling, alone and together as a couple. The amount of guilt and self-blame in your posts is saddening.

There is only so much you can do if she won't get help for herself though.

gumbry

Addle wrote: »

Have you been to your GP?

I haven't Addle. I have asked her to go, but she always said no. No time, no money, no need.
Mapaca - I've just signed up for some counselling for myself. Really hope that can put my mind at ease. Help me find out what we can do.

denhaagenite

OP do you know what she wants?

gumbry

denhaagenite wrote: »

OP do you know what she wants?

She told me exactly what she wants - she wants her soul back, in her words

What she wants is simply to be happy. To not have worries and disappointment dragging her down. I do think GP is our best chance, if not our only one. But I can't force her to go.

denhaagenite

Happiness isn't easy and at the end of the day it is her responsibility to obtain it. Also, conveying to her that unless she uses less abstract language than "happiness" and "wanting her soul back" then nothing will change. Maybe ask her to write a list of 10 things that make her happy and 10 things that make her unhappy and work from there?

More basically, how is her diet and exercise level? Speaking from experience, healthy body means healthy mind and can be a lifeline when dealing with depression.

In my opinion OP, I don't believe her depression is your fault. I agree that there can be situational triggers but if someone has depressive tendencies or potential it is simply a case of it rearing it's ugly head. Add to that, it's rare that someone in love will not "want" to fight for a relationship. It's either can't or won't.

gumbry

denhaagenite wrote: »

Happiness isn't easy and at the end of the day it is her responsibility to obtain it. Also, conveying to her that unless she uses less abstract language than "happiness" and "wanting her soul back" then nothing will change. Maybe ask her to write a list of 10 things that make her happy and 10 things that make her unhappy and work from there?

More basically, how is her diet and exercise level? Speaking from experience, healthy body means healthy mind and can be a lifeline when dealing with depression.

In my opinion OP, I don't believe her depression is your fault. I agree that there can be situational triggers but if someone has depressive tendencies or potential it is simply a case of it rearing it's ugly head. Add to that, it's rare that someone in love will not "want" to fight for a relationship. It's either can't or won't.

Thanks denhaag. I've studied psychology, and I know some people are more predisposed than others. And I try to console myself with that. But the fact remains, if I was better, if our situation was better, it wouldn't have happened. She's so lost she doesn't know herself what exactly it would take. I've asked her what she would do without me, and she said go back to Brazil and take a few months off to clear her head, and get some goals back. As it is, she has no goals, no aims in life. Her health got ruined as well in the two years. We were so broke, that we used to rely on a lot of pasta and home made sauces, normally with flour. Very carb heavy so we put on quite a lot of weight. We joined a gym a couple of weeks ago though. So hope that will help.

denhaagenite

That's definitely a step in the right direction so you should both be proud of yourselves for that. Maybe you could be eachother's gym buddies, it could be something you do together to have some quality time. I love the gym and my husband hates it, but the couple of times he has gone with me has actually meant a lot.

It really does sound to me like she hasn't accepted that she is suffering from depression. We all do it. It's easier to focus blame on a person or thing than just accept that s**t happens. You don't sound very happy either, but you are trying to be happier. She needs to get to the point of even trying before she can "fight" as you put it.

LegacyUser

Nowhere in your posts can I see that *she* has actually said any of this. You haven't said that she has expressly said she resents you, or has any negative feelings towards you. She said she was tired of fighting and talked you out of moving to Brazil, for what seem like very good reasons, but that's all.

Your description of how you came to these conclusions reads more like it's in your head and her resentment arises from her missing home and allowing herself to become isolated, unhealthy and unhappy. The link between you and those feelings may well be your own invention, unless she's said something which you haven't posted here.

She may well be suffering from depression, or just be really unhappy, but it would seem from what you've posted here that your negative attitude is what she's tired of fighting. Her description of what she'd do if she went home seems level-headed enough and the fact is that she is still here and participating in her marriage, that doesn't sound like she's the greater problem here and I think you should have a look at yourself before you talk yourself into any more problems that don't need to exist.

ken76

im married to Brazilian , why not move to Brazil?

Zeouterlimits

As suggested, have you gone to marriage counselling?
It sounds like she should go to counselling by herself too.

December2012

It's very sad that you both suffer / suffered depression.

Do you blame her for your depression? If not (and I hope you don't) why do you take responsibility for her depression and self harming?

You both should get some professional help. All is not lost