An emotional affair...

Fat Christy

Menas wrote: »

That is an interesting point! I do have some friends who inexplicably will fight with me. Could be a one way EA!

Nah, I fight with mine too. Both genders. :pac:

They wouldn't be friends if they didn't drive you cracked from time to time.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I find it hard to grasp that there is always that "spark" there in an emotional thing. I honestly don't think that's always the case, otherwise isn't that just a crush that's either not reciprocated and someone's hurt, or its taken to the next level, be that sharing a moment or actually having sex.

I can only understand from my own limited experience that it started out as just friends, no sexual attraction there on either side initally, over years it just so happened we got closer and closer and closer, both ignoring the feelings - I know towards the end I really felt it, felt maybe he did too but it was never something we discussed as an option, talked about, never took it further physically, the most would probably have just been a hug or something.

I think this can make it even deeper because it's like it's almost up on top of you before you realise it. There's someone you like hanging out with, aren't attracted to, so you don't care if they see you in bits, you don't care if you have to puke and they're there or you've no makeup on, or you call over to his house in your pjs because you couldn't be bothered getting dressed, it's only him sure. There is no pressure there at all, and they're seeing the good the bad and the ugly. And they're accepting you for the emotionally unpredictable bitch that you are because with that one person - your best friend - you don't have to filter it.

And then, by the time you realise how deep you're in, you a) don't want to be without them b) know you can't have them so keep quiet and c) are worried any change at all would ruin the best friendship you've ever had.

At least when your friends with someone that there's a spark there from the start, you're somewhat more composed, you'll make more of an effort and there'll be that little part of you that wants something more.

I think emotionally it can sneak up on you and you can ignore it far more than when it's something physical

steddyeddy

Menas wrote: »

That is an interesting point! I do have some friends who inexplicably will fight with me. Could be a one way EA!

Ha ha well we fought in bed.

Greentopia

ceadaoin. wrote: »

How do you know what she's like? The only things you know about her are what her husband chooses to tell you. She's been married to him for 20 years, she must know him pretty well. Maybe he was acting distant, or glued to his phone or laptop. A lot of times people being cheated on will say they had a gut feeling something was up. Maybe it was nothing more than that. As it turns out, she was right to be suspicious.

And what I've seen on her Facebook profile. She was suspicious and jealous before she had any reason to be so-long before I came on the scene.
He didn't phone or text me at home and only sent emails from home when she was out. Acting distant would come with not wanting to be with someone any longer I should have thought.

Deleted User wrote: »

You don't seem to understand the meaning of the word evidence. She had her reasons for believing that her husband was emotionally cheating in her with another woman. As a matter of fact, he was. With you. The fact that you don't know what evidence she had until she found the "I just want to get rid of my wife and then we'll be together" texts with you until she found the texts with you is not necessarily what gave her reason. Look, don't be bitter about her, she was married to him for 20 years, you have described her as the "bitter loon", I can't be the only one who thinks you are directing that one in the wrong way.

And I'm not the one whining about replies while boasting that I am the third wheel to a marriage.

No, she had no reasons. I'm not going over again why I know that to be the case.

He never sent any "I just want to get rid of my wife..." texts to me, nothing even remotely like that in fact. All she found was a text he sent saying goodnight to me, my initials on his phone and my phone number.

I'm not bitter don't know why you think that. I called her a "jealous loon" and gave the reason why, never used the word bitter. Why are you making stuff up?

Whining? lol

And I'm not boasting about anything. In fact I said I know that this is an ethical grey area.

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Nope. But then again, my wife hasn't run off to anyone with moronic "my spouse doesn't understand me" stories. If things ever got to the point where she did, I wouldn't expect the other man to broadcast the story with a "please be nice in your replies" message emphasised through lots of passive aggression, belying a lot of frustration.

I'm not passive agressive. I believe I'm being as honest and straight forward as I can be about this.

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Oh no, sorry, you're only dangling the sex in front of him if he leaves his wife and child. You have your honour to maintain after all!

Dangling sex in front of him... that's actually funny. And so far off the mark it isn't true. I've never given him any inducements, sexual or otherwise to leave his wife. This is something he's told me that he wants to do (it's just a matter of when) regardless of any other considerations-and that includes me. He's been considering it before I met him and it's by mutual agreement that we hold back on sex until he has the discussion with her about the state of their marriage and separating.

Greentopia

beks101 wrote: »

For me, and I'd imagine most emotionally healthy people, I might meet someone and think, "hmm, he's nice", get to know him and "hmmm, he's even nicer", and then the wife-and-kids memo is sent out and it becomes, "ah jaysus, of course." Sexual feelings on mute. He's taken, off the radar, scratched off the list, no dice. It immediately would friend-zone a guy for me, because what are the options here? Try to steal him away from his family? Meddle in something that's none of my business and would put my reputation on the line in a pretty irrecoverable way? Let some dude with no moral compass have his cake and eat it, while I get...what, exactly?

And the way you describe your thought processes? that's exactly how I've thought when every other married man has come on to me (WITHOUT my giving them any reason to I should add, and there have been a few).
I wrote already-I only considered it a possibility there might be some hope of something happening between us when he told me about his marriage and how he wanted out of it. Otherwise I would have written him off -or 'friend zoned' him too.

beks101 wrote: »

Show me the money. Leave your wife, then we'll talk."

I'm enjoying getting to know him and we're not sleeping together. When I meet him next I'll know for sure what's the next step (if any) is going to be. It's was simple as that.

Greentopia

cookiexx wrote: »

You don't even have to be attractive love. You could look like the back of the bus and you'll still have an audience of married men ready to lap it up.

Does that feel like power to you? Some sort of achievement maybe? It's really not.

Oh I know some men will sleep with anything as long as it has a vagina. I'm not interested in men who only want that from me, married or not. I need emotional connection or attachment with someone before I can sleep with them.

No, it doesn't feel like power or an achievement at all. I'm actually very particular about the type of guy I like and can go months without meeting someone I find attractive and compatible. It's just how I am.
And most of the men who would sleep with anything on two legs would repulse me.

Greentopia

PARlance wrote: »

I was curious to see if you were trolling.
But avoid the reality if you wish.

Off you go with the husband, the father, the guy that's eventually going to leave.

No, not a troll. Well nothing is settled yet so it may or may not happen. I'm prepared for both.

Saralee4

Greentopia wrote: »

And what I've seen on her Facebook profile. She was suspicious and jealous before she had any reason to be so-long before I came on the scene.
He didn't phone or text me at home and only sent emails from home when she was out. Acting distant would come with not wanting to be with someone any longer I should have thought.

.

I think that the thing that people are saying here Greentopia is that perhaps she did have reason. Maybe there were other women before you. He really isn't going to tell you that is he?

You can choose to believe him or not. But if the argument is that you believe him because you know him, then you have no reason to judge his wife because you don't know her.

I think if you were able to place yourself outside of their marriage then you would see it a bit clearer. Nobody is saying he is some kind of evil man or you are a bad person but neither is his wife. If you are going to be a part of his life then you are going to part of hers and her sons so you really need to loose your preconceptions of this woman otherwise if you ever do get together with the guy, it is going to be even harder.

Anyway you seem set and happy with your decisions and it could well be possible that he is completely honest with you however the majority of people I think reading the facts that you have provided and people who are not emotionally involved with the guy seem to think that the facts point towards something iffy going on.

Typical behaviour from someone who is cheating is to turn the women or men against one another. They focus on the persons jealously of the relationship, it makes you closer to him if he puts down his wife and it takes the focus off him and whatever he has said to you, it may have been so subtle and disguised as him being nice or a victim, it has turned you against a woman that you really don't know and you don't know what she has been through in the last 20 years only what this man has told you.

Greentopia

This Fat Girl Runs wrote: »

Greentopia, I'm not judging you here because only you know the ins and outs of this situation.

Thank you.

This Fat Girl Runs wrote: »

If he makes you happy and you are willing to wait for him even while knowing that you may end up with your heart broken, then go with your guts and see it through to the end.

That's what I intend to do.

This Fat Girl Runs wrote: »

I am curious however, in what way you respect this man? From what you've said in here (and thanks for being so honest with your story), this is a man who:

• is emotionally cheating on his wife;
• won't end OR mend his marriage with her;
• has a woman lined up waiting in the wings for him (you), and
• is so good at playing happy families that his own family are deceived into believing everything is ok.

That doesn't sound very respectable to me. Can you clarify why you respect him so deeply and what he has done to earn such deep respect from you? Everyone has their faults of course, it might help to list some of his virtues as well. You say he's there for his son which is admirable, but what else is he?

No problem. Ending or mending his marriage-there is no mending. Ending is only a matter of when I believe, whether I'm still with him or not. He's understandable worried about getting completely shafted in a separation and divorce settlement.
About having to move out of his house and not see his child as often as he wants. These are very real concerns for him and I know they are the likely outcome of what will happen if he does leave her.
I know from male friends who are divorced how rough the Irish legal system is on separated and divorced men in regard to property, access to their children and financial liabilities. It can emotionally and mentally destroy some for years after. I've seen it.
So I'm prepared for him to tell me he has to stick in a loveless marriage for years to come perhaps just to be a full time father to his son that he adores.
I've seen him be visibly upset at the thought of that happening.

So there's one reason I respect him. He's putting the wellbeing of his child before his own happiness up to now anyway.

His wife doesn't think everything is ok. They've talked before about how she knows he doesn't love her any more. She not an idiot and a woman knows when their partner no longer wants to be with them. I don't know what her MO is, but I suspect she's just sticking her head in the sand and ignoring the elephant in the room as long as possible. Perhaps also for the sake of her son, I don't know.

He told me she's a good mother who loves her son too (and I believe that) so obviously she doesn't want to put him through the trauma of marital breakup either. It's a sad situation for both of them really.

What other virtues? well he's kind and sensitive and very thoughtful-he always puts my feelings first for example. He's honest and trustworthy. He's empathetic and has a strong social conscience-he works with vulnerable people. He's not materialistic or shallow-two must haves for me in a man.
The fact that's he's also good looking and very attractive to me is just the icing on the cake.

ceadaoin.

Greentopia wrote: »

And what I've seen on her Facebook profile. She was suspicious and jealous before she had any reason to be so-long before I came on the scene.
He didn't phone or text me at home and only sent emails from home when she was out. Acting distant would come with not wanting to be with someone any longer I should have thought.



No, she had no reasons. I'm not going over again why I know that to be the case.

He never sent any "I just want to get rid of my wife..." texts to me, nothing even remotely like that in fact. All she found was a text he sent saying goodnight to me, my initials on his phone and my phone number.

I'm not bitter don't know why you think that. I called her a "jealous loon" and gave the reason why, never used the word bitter. Why are you making stuff up?

Whining? lol

And I'm not boasting about anything. In fact I said I know that this is an ethical grey area.






I'm not passive agressive. I believe I'm being as honest and straight forward as I can be about this.



Dangling sex in front of him... that's actually funny. And so far off the mark it isn't true. I've never given him any inducements, sexual or otherwise to leave his wife. This is something he's told me that he wants to do (it's just a matter of when) regardless of any other considerations-and that includes me. He's been considering it before I met him and it's by mutual agreement that we hold back on sex until he has the discussion with her about the state of their marriage and separating.

You've misquoted me there in the last two quotes. That wasn't me!

Anyway he had clearly given her reason to be suspicious, otherwise she wouldn't have been looking for evidence. Sorry but I dont buy that she is a jealous loon, the proof being that he is in fact conducting an emotional affair with another woman. If he has never actually told her he doesn't love her (we only have his word for this and he isn't exactly beyond reproach here) then him becoming distant would be a red flag.

Greentopia

anncoates wrote: »

Here's me thinking you only got these moral group ambushes in Personal Issues.

I wonder if I came back in 4/5 years time and told people I'm still with him and his (now ex) wife has taken his house, his son and left him in debt (as happened to a good male friend of mine after his divorce) and therefore a broken traumatised man who has to rebuild his life again; would they still be so unquestioningly sympathetic to her.

Because judging by what I know of her character that's exactly what she'll try to do if he leaves her.

But of course many of the moral arbiters here will say that's just deserts for him cheating on her. :roll eyes:

Saralee4

Greentopia wrote: »

I wonder if I came back in 4/5 years time and told people I'm still with him and his (now ex) wife has taken his house, his son and left him in debt (as happened to a good male friend of mine after his divorce) and therefore a broken traumatised man who has to rebuild his life again; would they still be so unquestioningly sympathetic to her.

Because judging by what I know of her character that's exactly what she'll try to do if he leaves her.

But of course many of the moral arbiters here will say that's just deserts for him cheating on her. :roll eyes:

a court would be the decider in what is the best case for all parties in the situation.

ceadaoin.

Greentopia wrote: »

I wonder if I came back in 4/5 years time and told people I'm still with him and his (now ex) wife has taken his house, his son and left him in debt (as happened to a good male friend of mine after his divorce) and therefore a broken traumatised man who has to rebuild his life again; would they still be so unquestioningly sympathetic to her.

Because judging by what I know of her character that's exactly what she'll try to do if he leaves her.

But of course many of the moral arbiters here will say that's just deserts for him cheating on her. :roll eyes:

Honestly, I don't think there are many people judging you. Just trying to point out how it looks from an outside perspective - it's textbook man with no intentions of leaving his wife stringing the other woman along.

Of course, there are always exceptions and maybe you are one of those.

And again, whatever you are being fed from her husband and gathering from Facebook stalking is not going to give you any insight into her character. You don't know her so I don't see how you are in a position to judge her motivations for anything or what her future actions might be.

Greentopia

Greentopia wrote: »

I wonder if I came back in 4/5 years time and told people I'm still with him and his (now ex) wife has taken his house, his son and left him in debt (as happened to a good male friend of mine after his divorce) and therefore a broken traumatised man who has to rebuild his life again; would they still be so unquestioningly sympathetic to her.

Because judging by what I know of her character that's exactly what she'll try to do if he leaves her.

But of course many of the moral arbiters here will say that's just deserts for him cheating on her. :roll eyes:

Young children invariably end up with their mothers.

And generally whoever gets the child gets the house even if they have no equity, the Court may declare his interest but put a stay on any sale until the child turns a certain age. The Courts will be reluctant to put mother and child on the street so you can move in.

More doses of reality for you, sadly the Court will not allocate the property on the basis of your character assessment.

Greentopia

Saralee4 wrote: »

I think that the thing that people are saying here Greentopia is that perhaps she did have reason. Maybe there were other women before you. He really isn't going to tell you that is he?

Yes, yes he really is. I asked him that straight to his face. The answer came clear and straight away. I know if he was lying to me. You can choose not to believe me if you want.

Saralee4 wrote: »

You can choose to believe him or not. But if the argument is that you believe him because you know him, then you have no reason to judge his wife because you don't know her.

I'm only judging her past behaviour and what he has told me about her, yes. I can get the incident I mentioned verified by a third party if I wanted.

Saralee4 wrote: »

I think if you were able to place yourself outside of their marriage then you would see it a bit clearer. Nobody is saying he is some kind of evil man or you are a bad person but neither is his wife. If you are going to be a part of his life then you are going to part of hers and her sons so you really need to loose your preconceptions of this woman otherwise if you ever do get together with the guy, it is going to be even harder.

I don't live close to him and don't work with him now and I still feel the same way.

I don't think his wife is a bad person. I'm sure she has some very good traits else he wouldn't have married her. Some things he has told me about threats she's made about taking his son away from him and telling him that if he wants to leave he should be the one to leave (despite him paying the mortgage in it's entirely) tells me she's not to be trusted though and unpredictable.
Also the fact that she's irrationally jealous of any woman he's in contact with (including work colleagues) makes me think she's a bit loopy.

Saralee4 wrote: »

Anyway you seem set and happy with your decisions and it could well be possible that he is completely honest with you however the majority of people I think reading the facts that you have provided and people who are not emotionally involved with the guy seem to think that the facts point towards something iffy going on.

People can think what they like. I'm not here to get approval or validation of any kind from anyone. I'm simply sharing my experience.
One or two people have made a few interesting observations without harsh judgement like eviltwin which I appreciate.

Saralee4 wrote: »

Typical behaviour from someone who is cheating is to turn the women or men against one another. They focus on the persons jealously of the relationship, it makes you closer to him if he puts down his wife and it takes the focus off him and whatever he has said to you, it may have been so subtle and disguised as him being nice or a victim, it has turned you against a woman that you really don't know and you don't know what she has been through in the last 20 years only what this man has told you.

He doesn't ever put down his wife. I've said that already. And he wouldn't be the type to play games like that.

I know a few things he's told me-that she had a very hard time conceiving her child and that she felt to blame for that because the issue causing it was with her.
He's sympathetic to that and how it made her feel.
He doesn't talk about her with any rancour or anger, he just doesn't love her any more and wants to leave her. It's causing a bad atmosphere in his house and he doesn't want his child seeing them fight, especially as he gets older.
That's a concern of his.

Greentopia

ceadaoin. wrote: »

You've misquoted me there in the last two quotes. That wasn't me!

Oops, my apologies!

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Anyway he had clearly given her reason to be suspicious, otherwise she wouldn't have been looking for evidence. Sorry but I dont buy that she is a jealous loon, the proof being that he is in fact conducting an emotional affair with another woman. If he has never actually told her he doesn't love her (we only have his word for this and he isn't exactly beyond reproach here) then him becoming distant would be a red flag.

Oh god, I've explained over and over how she is a jealous woman, and what she did before I ever came on the scene. Something that humiliated and embarrassed him in front of his work colleagues btw.
What would you think if your partner came to your place of work and accused one of your male or female (whichever is the opposite sex to you...assuming you're straight, the same if gay) work colleagues of having an affair with you with not a shred of evidence it was true in front of your work colleagues?

Wouldn't you consider that to be the action of someone who has emotional or psychological issues? I do, regardless of who it is. Wouldn't you feel utterly humiliated and embarrassed too if your partner did that to you? well that's what the wife did to my guy.
I know the women she accused-she's happily married and there was no foundation for her suspicions and jealousy. That's why I called her a jealous loon.

My guy in fact said with sadness and anger "I almost wish I did have an affair with her" because the grief he got from his wife wouldn't have been less than what he got!

Tilly

Greentopia wrote: »

Oops, my apologies!



Oh god, I've explained over and over how she is a jealous woman, and what she did before I ever came on the scene. Something that humiliated and embarrassed him in front of his work colleagues btw.
What would you think if your partner came to your place of work and accused one of your male or female (whichever is the opposite sex to you...assuming you're straight, the same if gay) work colleagues of having an affair with you with not a shred of evidence it was true in front of your work colleagues?

Wouldn't you consider that to be the action of someone who has emotional or psychological issues? I do, regardless of who it is. Wouldn't you feel utterly humiliated and embarrassed too if your partner did that to you? well that's what the wife did to my guy.
I know the women she accused-she's happily married and there was no foundation for her suspicions and jealousy. That's why I called her a jealous loon.

My guy in fact said with sadness and anger "I almost wish I did have an affair with her" because the grief he got from his wife wouldn't have been less than what he got!

Eh this is all hear say. You werent there, you're going by his word.

BTW he's not "your guy". He's still with his wife.

Saralee4

Greentopia wrote: »

Oops, my apologies!
.
What would you think if your partner came to your place of work and accused one of your male or female (whichever is the opposite sex to you...assuming you're straight, the same if gay) work colleagues of having an affair with you with not a shred of evidence it was true in front of your work colleagues?

!

The fact you are missing here is that he is has been previously accused of doing exactly what he is doing with you which would suggest a very likely possibility that he was in doing something that caused her to believe this.

if I was your friend and I stole your jewellery, if I told you told you that I had fallen out with another friend before because they accused me of stealing their jewellery and I was discusted at that friends behaviour. If I looked you deep in the eyes and said 'I know I took your jewellery but that's because I knew you would understand and I was going to give it back to you, but I never took my other friends jewellery' - would you not question that or would you believe me without any doubt?

Greentopia

Saralee4 wrote: »

a court would be the decider in what is the best case for all parties in the situation.

An Irish court which will inevitably grant her automatic custody to her child regardless of how good a father he is or how bad a mother she is (she's not, but I'm just saying if she was). Seen it happen. My divorced ex (separated when I met him!!) told me his solicitor once said to him prior to court proceedings "a woman would have to be a drug addict or a child abuser not to get primary custody of her kids in this country".

The best case for the father is rarely the outcome of separation and divorce. If you believe it is you don't know many separated or divorced men!

The best case for the child/children is absolutely not always served either! I know one particular man, a very decent guy who is a responsible and loving father who lost his house, his workshops on his land (and therefore his way of earning a living), he had to fight for shared custody to his kids, got a barring order thrown at him even though he never laid a finger on his ex, and ended up tens of thousands of Euro in debt after the divorce.
Oh and living in a grotty one bedroom bedsit on the dole.

Men-unless they're super rich and even then-rarely get equal footing and consideration under the law in separation and divorce, especially if the wife decides to make the guys life hell and take him for everything she can.

And I say this as a woman. But I know how much the legal system is stacked against the man in most cases no matter how good a father or provider they are.

It's just how it is here. That's not a case for less provision given to women btw, it's a case for better more equal provision being made for men.

Saralee4

Greentopia wrote: »

An Irish court which will inevitably grant her automatic custody to her child regardless of how good a father he is or how bad a mother she is (she's not, but I'm just saying if she was). Seen it happen. My divorced ex (separated when I met him!!) told me his solicitor once said to him prior to court proceedings "a woman would have to be a drug addict or a child abuser not to get primary custody of her kids in this country".

The best case for the father is rarely the outcome of separation and divorce. If you believe it is you don't know many separated or divorced men!

The best case for the child/children is absolutely not always served either! I know one particular man, a very decent guy who is a responsible and loving father who lost his house, his workshops on his land (and therefore his way of earning a living), he had to fight for shared custody to his kids, got a barring order thrown at him even though he never laid a finger on his ex, and ended up tens of thousands of Euro in debt after the divorce.
Oh and living in a grotty one bedroom bedsit on the dole.

Men-unless they're super rich and even then-rarely get equal footing and consideration under the law in separation and divorce, especially if the wife decides to make the guys life hell and take him for everything she can.

And I say this as a woman. But I know how much the legal system is stacked against the man in most cases no matter how good a father or provider they are.

It's just how it is here. That's not a case for less provision given to women btw, it's a case for better more equal provision being made for men.

whether of not you agree or disagree with the law is another issue. You say that you know a lot of divorced men so there are men who do divorce their wifes in spite of what you believe are unfair laws but your 'guy' it seems is not doing this anything soon.

This Fat Girl Runs

Greentopia wrote: »

Thank you.



That's what I intend to do.



No problem. Ending or mending his marriage-there is no mending. Ending is only a matter of when I believe, whether I'm still with him or not. He's understandable worried about getting completely shafted in a separation and divorce settlement.
About having to move out of his house and not see his child as often as he wants. These are very real concerns for him and I know they are the likely outcome of what will happen if he does leave her.
I know from male friends who are divorced how rough the Irish legal system is on separated and divorced men in regard to property, access to their children and financial liabilities. It can emotionally and mentally destroy some for years after. I've seen it.
So I'm prepared for him to tell me he has to stick in a loveless marriage for years to come perhaps just to be a full time father to his son that he adores.
I've seen him be visibly upset at the thought of that happening.

So there's one reason I respect him. He's putting the wellbeing of his child before his own happiness up to now anyway.

His wife doesn't think everything is ok. They've talked before about how she knows he doesn't love her any more. She not an idiot and a woman knows when their partner no longer wants to be with them. I don't know what her MO is, but I suspect she's just sticking her head in the sand and ignoring the elephant in the room as long as possible. Perhaps also for the sake of her son, I don't know.

He told me she's a good mother who loves her son too (and I believe that) so obviously she doesn't want to put him through the trauma of marital breakup either. It's a sad situation for both of them really.

What other virtues? well he's kind and sensitive and very thoughtful-he always puts my feelings first for example. He's honest and trustworthy. He's empathetic and has a strong social conscience-he works with vulnerable people. He's not materialistic or shallow-two must haves for me in a man.
The fact that's he's also good looking and very attractive to me is just the icing on the cake.

Thanks for your reply. It's good to see the good side of this guy. I understand now the issue with him not wanting to leave his son; I've seen enough news reports of fathers protesting how little they are cared for in the courts and if his wife is going to take advantage of that, then yes, I can see why he would agonize over leaving her.

I really have no input or advice and I'm sure you wouldn't even want it if I did. I'll bow out now but say I understand you both have some hard decisions ahead of you and I know that no matter what, there will be some pain in it. I feel for you and really do wish you both all the best.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

To be fair to her she has good reason to jealous. Also, I would be very insulted to mean so little to someone that they'd just put my initials in their phone

Greentopia

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Honestly, I don't think there are many people judging you. Just trying to point out how it looks from an outside perspective - it's textbook man with no intentions of leaving his wife stringing the other woman along.

Of course, there are always exceptions and maybe you are one of those.

And again, whatever you are being fed from her husband and gathering from Facebook stalking is not going to give you any insight into her character. You don't know her so I don't see how you are in a position to judge her motivations for anything or what her future actions might be.

It's ok, I expected some judgement. People are entitled to think what they want and I'm entitled to respond to them.

Yes I can see how it might come across but we've had the "stringing along' conversation and I know that's not what he intends. Not to mention the fact I'm unwilling to be strung along! I will walk if I think that's what's happening, no two ways about it.

Geez, I'm not stalking the woman! I just checked her out to see what kind of a person I may have to deal with if she had contacted me in anger when she found the text and phone bills-evidence to her I was seeing her husband. I wanted to get a better idea of what I may be in for! and yes I did learn a thing or two from that.

I'm not completely in the dark about her and I've gathered a lot simply from him telling me events that have happened (just telling me factual information) or by me seeing the consequences of things she's said or done. They back up what he tells me as being the truth.

I have some idea from all that how she would be likely to react in the event he tells her he's leaving her.

Greentopia

Deleted User wrote: »

Young children invariably end up with their mothers.

And generally whoever gets the child gets the house even if they have no equity, the Court may declare his interest but put a stay on any sale until the child turns a certain age. The Courts will be reluctant to put mother and child on the street so you can move in.

More doses of reality for you, sadly the Court will not allocate the property on the basis of your character assessment.

Yes thank you, I know all that. Been through it all with an ex. No shocks in store for me.
I'm not expecting a judge to throw her out on the street with her child for heaven's sake! of course she should be taken into consideration in any legal settlement but why should she get full ownership to a house she hasn't paid a penny for which is what she asked him for if he ever wanted to leave her?? she can work but chooses not to.

How about they sell the house, she gets her (unearned) half of it now, then gets a job to pay for somewhere else like everyone else has to with a tidy lump sum in her back pocket, and he can move on with his half of the sale of the house to rent of buy somewhere else.

He pays for everything.
If they can't come to an agreement I know the court will either force a sale or put a stay on it until their son is 18.

Would you think that fair if that was you and your wife got your house if she divorced you even if she hadn't sunk a cent of equity into it? I doubt it if you're totally honest with me.

I'm conceding she should get whatever is fair in the situation. I think half is unfair when he pays the mortgage in full but it's probably the best he can hope for in the sh1tty unfair Irish family law system, and she does deserve some proceeds of the 'marital home' having lived there and made a home for her son for many years, so half it would likely be.

If she won't work she could always get rent allowance like some single parents I know. She wouldn't end up on the streets obviously.

Greentopia

Tilly wrote: »

Eh this is all hear say. You werent there, you're going by his word.

BTW he's not "your guy". He's still with his wife.

Yes because you know him and the situation better than I do. Of course.

My guy was said for reasons of clarity nothing else so come down off that high horse.

Greentopia

Saralee4 wrote: »

The fact you are missing here is that he is has been previously accused of doing exactly what he is doing with you which would suggest a very likely possibility that he was in doing something that caused her to believe this.

Oh for fcuk sake, I give up.
I know him and I know the woman his wife accused him of having an affair with. I worked with her for a time. She's happily married herself. To say he had an affair with her is absurd. But believe whatever you want, I'm tired of repeating myself.

Saralee4 wrote: »

if I was your friend and I stole your jewellery, if I told you told you that I had fallen out with another friend before because they accused me of stealing their jewellery and I was discusted at that friends behaviour. If I looked you deep in the eyes and said 'I know I took your jewellery but that's because I knew you would understand and I was going to give it back to you, but I never took my other friends jewellery' - would you not question that or would you believe me without any doubt?

Even if we were friends it would depend on how long I know you, whether I would consider you beyond ever lying to me for any reason to name two things. Too many variables and unknowables and it's not parallel to what I wrote anyway.

Penny Tration

You keep saying you know him.

You know he's honest, you know what he says is true, you know he's a good man, you know he doesn't love his wife, you know he's never cheated before you, and so on.

Yet in another post, a page or two back, you say you're enjoying getting to know him.

So you don't know him? Or do you? And if you do, why are you still getting to know him, when you already know him?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Greentopia wrote: »

Yes thank you, I know all that. Been through it all with an ex. No shocks in store for me.
I'm not expecting a judge to throw her out on the street with her child for heaven's sake! of course she should be taken into consideration in any legal settlement but why should she get full ownership to a house she hasn't paid a penny for which is what she asked him for if he ever wanted to leave her?? she can work but chooses not to.

How about they sell the house, she gets her (unearned) half of it now, then gets a job to pay for somewhere else like everyone else has to with a tidy lump sum in her back pocket, and he can move on with his half of the sale of the house to rent of buy somewhere else.

He pays for everything.
If they can't come to an agreement I know the court will either force a sale or put a stay on it until their son is 18.

Would you think that fair if that was you and your wife got your house if she divorced you even if she hadn't sunk a cent of equity into it? I doubt it if you're totally honest with me.

I'm conceding she should get whatever is fair in the situation. I think half is unfair when he pays the mortgage in full but it's probably the best he can hope for in the sh1tty unfair Irish family law system, and she does deserve some proceeds of the 'marital home' having lived there and made a home for her son for many years, so half it would likely be.

If she won't work she could always get rent allowance like some single parents I know. She wouldn't end up on the streets obviously.

Take the child - an innocent party, out of his home? Come on. It'll be bad enough on the child his entire family unit breaking down but you'd see the child turned out of his own home too? It doesn't matter how much she's contributed it's the marital home.

Greentopia

Saralee4 wrote: »

whether of not you agree or disagree with the law is another issue. You say that you know a lot of divorced men so there are men who do divorce their wifes in spite of what you believe are unfair laws but your 'guy' it seems is not doing this anything soon.

No, not doing it anything(sic) soon at all Saralee. But it seems you know more than I do so feel free to tell me what will happen with your crystal ball.

And how the law treats men is at the very heart of why the married man I'm seeing (better?) has legitimate fears and trepidations as to the possible outcome for him and his son in the event he separates and then divorces his wife.

Yes of course there are many men who divorce in spite of the law being as it is. Many men have no choice but to accept it and make the best of it so they can rebuild their lives afterwards.
And many of them find themselves shut out of their kids life or getting less access and custody than they should get, forced out of their homes and thrown into penury in the process.
Obviously no man would go through all that unless he was either
a. ignorant of what lay ahead of him (lots of married men wouldn't dream of getting married if they knew what lay ahead of them in the event their marriage went South and they ended up going through the nightmare of seperation and divorce in this country)...or
b. they do know or are forewarned but are so desperate to separate from their wives the prospect of losing so much is actually the preferable option.

The second reason will be the reason why the guy I'm seeing will separate if and when it does happen. He knows all too well what may lay ahead of him.

Penny Tration

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Take the child - an innocent party, out of his home? Come on. It'll be bad enough on the child his entire family unit breaking down but you'd see the child turned out of his own home too? It doesn't matter how much she's contributed it's the marital home.

She HAS contributed, though.

By being at home, she has prevented the necessity of paying a grand or more a month to childminders. She has been there with the child while this man was off building up his connection with his other woman.

She has saved thousands for the family by being at home with her child. That's her contribution, and the contribution of every housewife or househusband. So yeah, she SHOULD be entitled equally to the home.