Dad Jokes

ectoraige

Dad: Here's a pencil, you'll need this.
Son: What for?
Dad: To draw the curtains upstairs! Go do it now.

cbyrd

Knock knock
Who's there?
Nicholas
Nicholas who?
Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees...

cbyrd

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A Wonky donkey!
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs playing the guitar?
A honky tonkey Wonky donkey.

Ken Shamrock

Was talking to me Da the other night, music was the topic.

Me: Where you a fan of Hendrix back in the day?

Da: No not really

Me: Was he too heavy for you?

Da: I don't know, I've never lifted him up...

Classic Da

kylith

"Are you alright?"

"No, I'm half left! AHAHAHAHAHahahahah!"


Thanks Dad.

kfallon

When you used to stand in front of the TV as a kid:

"I know you're a pain....but you're not a pane of glass now come out of the way!!"

Knex*

My Dad used to regularly wander about the house when I was a kid, saying, "Children should be shot with a big gun. Isn't that right, Knex?"

He also spent an entire summer whereby he'd come in and wake me up at 7am, grabbing my guitar and singing "I'm just mad about Saffron. Saffron's mad about me. Now get up you lazy bollocks, you have stuff to do, you see"

What made it worse is that he couldn't even play a note on the guitar. Just slapped the crap out of it.

afatbollix

efb wrote: »

What's black and white and read all over
A newspaper

Well bollix

Never got that joke until just now

Knex*

afatbollix wrote: »

Well bollix

Never got that joke until just now

Did you use to think it was "red" and not, "read"?

:pac:

griffin100

Not so much a joke.........but my dad used to have this lump of dried superglue that looked like a large green snot. When my sisters were bringing friends to the house (or indeed any chance he got) he used to wedge it into one nostril so that it was hanging down and have conversations with said friends much to my sisters' horror. Sometimes he would wait until they were doing their homework at the table and pretend to sneeze when standing over them so the lump of glue would fly out of his nose and land on the table. Jesus me and my brothers used to crack up. My mother and sisters found it less funny though.

More recently he was at a internment of some ashes of a good friend. It had been a while since she had died and her death was after a long illness so the internment was not as somber as a typical funeral. During the ceremony we turned to see my Dad jumping up and down on a nearby vacant grave. What the fcuk?? Oh , I've always wanted to dance on my own grave says he, and he pulls out some paperwork showing that he actually owns the plot he's dancing on - random or what........

He thinks he's funny, but the unfortunate thing is I now find myself telling my kids similar jokes :eek:

valoren

Lifting a heavy box

"Do you need a hand Son?"
"Yes please"

*claps his hands*

Akrasia

Whats the difference between a buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo



Why didn't the ghost go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with

(when i told this to my kids, they felt very sad for the poor ghost and they changed the joke to 'Because he had no friends, poor ghost')

Akrasia

I also love tormenting my children

(3 year old daughter): Daddy, I love you

Me: I love me too!

(3 year old daughter): No daddy, you love meeee!

Me: That's what I said. I love me...

I can drag this on for ages

kylith

griffin100 wrote: »

He thinks he's funny, but the unfortunate thing is I now find myself telling my kids similar jokes :eek:

First you laugh at the jokes. Then you cringe at the jokes. Then you tell the jokes.

LiamWalsh95

"What to you call a deer with no eyes"


"I have no ideer"

Ardent

Q. What's big, red and eats rocks?

A. A big red rock-eater!

agent graves

how did the italian chef die??

he pasta way.

what does a duck smoke??

qwack

GLaDOS

My dad's favourite, which doesn't really work via text format, is:

"Do you know what's really annoyin'?

"A six upside down"

(Annoyin' = a nine in a Dublin accent)

Bayberry

kfallon wrote: »

When you used to stand in front of the TV as a kid:

"I know you're a pain....but you're not a pane of glass now come out of the way!!"

You'd make a better door than a window!

Duggy747

Why do Leprechauns wear 2 condoms?

To be sure, to be sure!

---

Did you hear about the blind circumsizer?

He got the sack

---

Who's the leader of the hankies?

The hankerchief!

---

I took the shell off of my racing snail to see if it went any faster.

If anything though, it just made it more sluggish.

---

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death!


:pac:

keano_afc

"Da, Ma says your dinner is on the table"

"Well she better out it on a plate wha??"

kfallon

I once met a crossdresser who live in the Greater Manchester area....

He had a Wigan address.....

Early December, any given year -

Candies Mum: Candie, will you make the trifle this year?
Candies Dad: Sorry, love. Come again?
Candies Mum: I'm just asking Candie if she'll make the trifle for Christmas dessert.
Candies Dad: Ah right, I couldn't hear you. I'm a trifle deaf! Hahahaha!

Every.Single.Year.

kfallon

"If you don't do your homework and study you'll only grow up to be a Government artist!"
"A wha?"
"A Government artist, you'll be drawing the dole!"

One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
'No luck then?' says dad.

Laughed til we cried, including my aunt.

newport2

Candie wrote: »

One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
'No luck then?' says dad.

Laughed til we cried, including my aunt.

He's a brave man!

Jimmy Two Times

Why did the indians bury their chief at the top of the hill ?

Because he was dead

.


From my Dad to me and from me to my lads...............hope they pass it on cos it's class.

newport2

Sheep Lover wrote: »

"He's the best farmer around, he's out standing in his field" ..

"Did you hear about the magic tractor?, it turned into a field"...

"I used to love tractors son. Not any more though...."

Takes big inhalation of smoke from pipe

".....now I'm just an extractor fan"

smash

Why did Lucy fall off the swing?
Don't know
Because she had no arms!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Well it's not Lucy anyway :pac:

Pumpkinseeds

My Dad seems to have lost his sense of humour.:( I usually get him a funny fathers day card, he's not really into big displays of affection, anyways, a couple of years back my Mum told me not to get him any more funny cards as apparently he interpretted the last one I got him as a 'dig at him':rolleyes:

Captain Havoc

(Works better Orally)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bigish
Bigish who?
Not today thanks.

Canard

What has four legs and eats rocks?
A four-legged rock eater.

Classic dad :pac:

Fat Christy

Candie wrote: »

One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
'No luck then?' says dad.

Laughed til we cried, including my aunt.

Do you know what's good for weight loss?

Walking........away from the table.

kfallon

Fat Christy wrote: »

Do you know what's good for weight loss?

Walking........away from the table.

I've also heard the opposite, "He/she is obviously not afraid of the table anyway!!"

mfceiling

Homework time...

"Da, where are the himalayas"?

"Ask your mother, she likely put them in the attic"

Fcuk off...

FluffyAngel

son.. Dad where's the Andes ?

Dad .. At the end of your armies..😋

kfallon

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.

kfallon

I went out with a girl called Simile, I don't know what I metaphor.

SEPT 23 1989

There is updoc on your shoe

EoghanIRL

"Is that a blind dog?"
"It's vision seems fine to me"

pew

2 men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

Cold War Kid

My dad's jokes are too racist to post.

kfallon

Cold War Kid wrote: »

My dad's jokes are too racist to post.

PM me

Capt'n Midnight

LiamWalsh95 wrote: »

"What to you call a deer with no eyes"


"I have no ideer"

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes ?


Still no ideer

Crumpets

A patient say to his doctor: "Doctor I feel like a spoon"
Doctor says: "Don't stir"

Turtyturd

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.



Do you eat Indian?

Yeah, but I can never finish a whole one.

kfallon

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."

kfallon

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

Turtyturd

What do you call a woman standing between two houses?

Elaine.

Akrasia

Candie wrote: »

One time, my auntie came in the kitchen door and put down her bag.

'I've just come from Weightwatchers' she says.
'No luck then?' says dad.

Laughed til we cried, including my aunt.

My wife's mother was off getting her hair cut and her dad was saying to all the kids 'Guys, when your mother comes back just tell her you like her hair" (my wife has younger brothers)

An hour later my mother in law returned with the worst haircut i have ever seen. My father in law opened the door and the first thing he said was
"Jayses Mary, Have you been dragged backwards through a hedge!"

She ddn't keep that hair style for very long