first year of marriage breaking point

hanedy

Hi All...

I will try and keep this as short as possible. I got married a few months ago, I moved job, moved house and moved county when I got married. My husband works for his parents who are self employed. I fund the house, he pays half the mortgage (which I have to fight with him to get off him). He works late every night, never takes a day off, never takes wages of payment of any kind from his parents for the long hours he puts in. We never have any time together, I am now expecting our first child, he has shown no concern for me, has shown very little interest in the child (which he passes off by saying its not there till its there). I feel he is a selfish person which I did not see before getting married. I dont know anyone in the area apart from his family who to be fair seem to want very little to do with me. I have tried my best get more involved with his family but have got nowhere. also, my husband often seems to "forget" to charge his phone so is often un-contactable.
I feel isolated, let down and unloved most of the time and stress out all the time about how I will cope when the baby comes. I have tried to talk to him about this but when I do its late as he dose not come home and he just falls asleep!
any advice would be welcome, ....please help!

CaraMay

How does he pay half the mortgage if he has no income? Was it like this before you got pregnant? I don't know what to say op.

hanedy

He has access to money but chooses not to take any, except once a month when i loose the plot about the mortgage. He was never very flush with money but he took every second sunday off and we would spend the day together, that stopped as soon as we got back form honeymoon.

milli milli

Op you poor thing. What a horrible situation you are in.
All I could say to you, is to ask your husband to come to marriage counselling because you feel your marriage is in dire straits. You feel isolated, unloved and unsupported and dread the thoughts of bringing a child into such a situation.
Best of luck OP

CaraMay

hanedy wrote: »

He has access to money but chooses not to take any, except once a month when i loose the plot about the mortgage. He was never very flush with money but he took every second sunday off and we would spend the day together, that stopped as soon as we got back form honeymoon.

So he expects you to pay for everything? Was it always like this? Was the pregnancy planned?

LegacyUser

Op how long were you dating him before you got married. I can't believe it's got this far, you are expecting a child with him and from what you describe it looks like it's going to be your child, something to keep you busy as opposed to him being involved as well.

hanedy

hanedy wrote: »

he took every second sunday off and we would spend the day together, that stopped as soon as we got back form honeymoon.

So even before you were married you spent two days a month together?

I'm so sorry OP but how he's behaving now doesn't appear to be very different from how he was before you were married. I suppose you thought things would be different when you got married but that's rarely the case I'm afraid.

You can try marriage counselling (if you can get him to go) but I'm very pessimistic about your situation. If I were you I would be considering wider options like a temporary separation to see if things can be re-started in a better way. I just don't get the impression that you, and by extension your baby, are a priority for him.

HelgaWard

What an awful situation. You know it is awful, you just need to figure out either how to fix it, or get out of it.
Although when you would get a chance to talk to him about it is beyond me, as he never seems to be there. What you need to decide is, if you want your whole life to be like it is now, or if you want to change it. Do you love him OP? you don't mention in your post that you do. All in all, very sad situation, I really hope you choose to live a life of happiness OP for you and for your child.

Chemical Byrne

I'm sorry to hear that he seems to have lost all interest in the relationship since getting married a mere few months ago.

Things taking a turn for the worse after marriage is not uncommon it seems from reading these forums.

His attitude to the baby stinks to high heaven! Has he any interest in yere baby? Did he want a child?

It is occurances like this that lead me to thinking that there should be some sort of "cooling off period" brought in for marriage whereby it could be cleanly and easily reversed to the premarriage situation. Would be great for people with valuable assets like a farm who are afraid of being ripped off by divorcing someone they only recently married.

Now in fairness, you did know about his lack of financial sense, if you can call it that, before ye married.

Personally I think you need to sit him down and shock talk some sense into him. You are now a family and he needs to start being responsible and in particular start taking whatever salary he is fairly entitled to fromt he family business. If they get awkward about then he should start considering a career change.
Are you telling us that you alone keep the household financed save for his half of the mortgage which has to be dragged out of him.

Whatever happens, something has to change. This sort of indifferent behaviour is not healthy and is worrying that it has occured so soon after marriage when ye'd still be in the honeymoon period. What's he going to be like in 5 or 6 years?

LadyFenghuang

hanedy wrote: »

never takes wages of payment of any kind from his parents for the long hours he puts in.

When you do work for family it can get blurry at times.

He needs to start seeing you guys as his family and to prioritizes.

He sounds quite nasty.

Did you guys know each other long before you married?

Mr. Incognito

Hi there,

Well that sucks. Firstly, don't stress overly much. You are pregnant and the less pressure or stress you can put on yourself the better.

There are a few issues here.

How long did you know your husband before you got married?

Does your husband have any other source of income bar the family farm I would guess?

I presume you are working- what is the plan for your maternity leave?

How far are you from your own family?

How much of the mortgage is paid?

The reality is that you need to sit down with him and communicate these concerns. Him being selfish as you say may just be him not realising all these things are upsetting you. Explain, patiently how serious it is and how much stress you are under.

Then give a fixed time period for things to change and if it doesnt happen have a plan B- moving home for a while or giving up the house etc.

Don't drift by stuck in a more and more isolated position

December2012

Will he go to marriage counselling with you?

stickybookmark

is he from Cavan?!

Op however hard you're finding things now, if you are isolated and spending long periods of time on your own in your marriage, it'll be 10 times tougher after you have a baby. obviously you don't want to make any rash moves and you have a job locally. but you have 6 months off (or more if you take unpaid leave) coming up. how about a temporary move back to your mother's during that time? 1st baby is hugely overwhelming and difficult to cope with (in my experience) and you need support and love. i think your husband needs a good shake up to get him to cop on. i'd plan a move back home for maternity leave (can you arrange to have the baby in your parent's local hospital- that's what i did for my baby and no relationship issues! i just wanted to be close to my mam/sister) and take it from there. good luck and sorry to hear this has happened x

jimd2

By funding the house what do you mean? Is it that you are paying for everything besides his half Of the mortgage? A farm was mentioned as the business, I actually thought it seemed like it was a pub. Either way you have to put the pressure on to get more contribution from him unless the business is in dire straits and, if that was the case hen he should be looking to get income outside of the business.

Some things I think you should do.
Keep a percentage of YOUR earnings aside and build up a separate account of your own in case you end up leaving him. Easier said than done but pretend that it doesn't exist and get him / his parents to cough up the rest.
Once the baby arrives start as you mean to go on and get some me time for yourself. Take a regular time out at least 3 times a week.
Try and see if there is any group, sports club, running, musical society in the locality that you can join. Get into a routine with them and get hubby to mind the baby.

If he isn't helping ask your mum to come over to you for a bit after baby is born (might not be possible). Or as mentioned go to your mum's.

Try and corner him and explain just how unhappy you are. He seems like a guy who was just looking for an obedient subservient wife and now that he's got one doesn't have to woo anymore.

Not sure if any of these suggestions will be of help. It really is a pity for you as it should be a joyful time not as it is here.

Chemical Byrne

This sounds so sad. The first year of marriage and expecting a baby should be such a happy time for ye.

How far away from your home place are you living now?

You mentioned that you only saw eachother like, twice a month before ye were married? No offence dear, but if you were not happy with that then you should have realised that it was not going to change after the wedding. : ( Perhaps you were hoping it would?

An interesting test of his metal would be to put to him the suggestion that you and a few of your friends are planning a holiday sometime in the next year or whatever, blah blah blah, and convey the assumption that he will look after the baby for the week or whatever. His reaction to this suggestion will speak volumes.

Did ye properly discuss and agree on the division of parenting responsibilities before deciding to have this baby?

I don't know if I should say this but if your "husband" is as indifferent to the marriage and yere baby as this thread would suggest then the thought that would enter my mind would be, are you sure you still want to have a baby with someone who most likely will have, and want, probably little more than a passing token interest in being a parent?

What's the deal with his family? Is it just you they are cold to are are they jerks in general?

Believe me, I know running a farm is a demanding full time job, often very physical and with unsocial hours. Still, it is no excuse to basically wash one's hands of one's family. Loads of farmers up and down the country are excellent parents.

EDIT: Reading your posts again, I'm just thinking you should consider all of your options here. His interest and behaviour being so poor so soon would lend me to predict that this would not be a happy marriage FFS your only married a few months and you're already miserable. Those posts are something I'd more expect from someone married 10 or 15 years and in a rut. You are still young and not too deep in. You could start again from a clean slate with someone who is deserving of you.

Perhaps you need some time to yourself to reflect on things and have a heart to heart with yourself.
The most important question you need to ask yourself is this: what should I do to make sure I have no regrets in 20 years?

You are in a very difficult and unenviable situation. I would wish you good luck in resolving things but to be brutally honest about it, I fear the odds are heavily stacked against the marriage. But at least you are seeing his true colours sooner rather than later.

Chemical Byrne

stickybookmark wrote: »

....i'd plan a move back home for maternity leave (can you arrange to have the baby in your parent's local hospital- that's what i did for my baby and no relationship issues! i just wanted to be close to my mam/sister) and take it from there. good luck and sorry to hear this has happened x

tbh, i'd find that a bit upsetting.