Is cutting out Exes healthier than remaining friends?

LadyFenghuang

I am not just talking about if they were terrible. But in general.

What might be the worst reasons for remaining friends?

I always thought if they were cool enough to date they are cool enough to remain friends.

Sometimes I feel I remain friends for bad reasons. Like we have the same friends. I feel I have to be a good person.

My mother was talking to me tonight about the violence of cut-off culture vrs better the devil you know. And demanding closure from relationships is less about healing and more about judging. And when you finally don't need the healing or judging you feel i'm done?

What are bad reasons to be friends with an ex? And what might be some good ones?

Sometimes I feel these are lower quality friendships. Or I am being pulled or swayed into things or thinking a certain way about myself or them or other people. Not necessarily because they are BAD people.

Even though any residual romantic or sexual feeling is gone, I still feel I ought to. Sometimes it's like I enjoy feeling the way they see me. And since the walls are broken down it's comfortable. But doesn't feel like a true friendship it's emptier.

Maybe it's actually more about letting some friends go then at this point.

I tend to be the kind of person someone (or in my mind I am) appreciates in retrospect. Or maybe they just suck up in retrospect.

I am putting this here because AH gets more traffic. Ah is less rigid. And if I am being too pretentious and over thinking I want the piss ripped out.

Just a momentary thought. I'll prob regret this thread.

LadyFenghuang

Also if you are dating and trying to find someone you can't remain mates with everyone! ?? Why are we expected to be good sports?

coffeepls

What turmoil! A lot of overthinking. There aren't actual rules about friendships with ex's. But once you've gone from being friends to going out with them in the first place it's difficult to undo things - for both parties that is.

I couldn't be 'just' friends with any ex. Theys history so they is.

LadyFenghuang

coffeepls wrote: »

What turmoil! A lot of overthinking. There aren't actual rules about friendships with ex's. But once you've gone from being friends to going out with them in the first place it's difficult to undo things - for both parties that is.

I couldn't be 'just' friends with any ex. Theys history so they is.

Do you ever feel pressure to be friends ? I mean internally even? Particularly if I broke it off I do. I know that's not healthy at all though. It can't lead to a quality friendship.

masculinist

No. Cut them off. Keeping an ex around will only get in the way of finding and maintaining a ''current''

LadyFenghuang

masculinist wrote: »

No. Cut them off. Keeping an ex around will only get in the way of finding and maintaining a ''current''

It's not even that I guess that is a point though. But it's not like I would ever go back to an ex. It's just I feel sometimes it's done so the dumper doesn't feel like a monster. Sometimes i feel my self image is too much in the way i treat others and not enough in myself. It's out of not wishing to be awkward.

I do think they can keep you in the past though. Not even just romantically but who you were then. Or bad patterns etc. I notice that with myself.

LadyFenghuang

coffeepls wrote: »

What turmoil! A lot of overthinking. There aren't actual rules about friendships with ex's. But once you've gone from being friends to going out with them in the first place it's difficult to undo things - for both parties that is.

I couldn't be 'just' friends with any ex. Theys history so they is.

It's just sometimes I think why keep a 'friend' for what is not really a good quality friendship anyway? ..That makes me sound like a b*tch!

Nodin

LadyFenghuang wrote: »

.....................

Just a momentary thought. I'll prob regret this thread.

Yep.

If ye feel it, ye feel it, if you don't, you don't. If you don't, let them go. They're probably feeling the same as yerself. Send the odd card, go to their parents funeral.....

Or are we talking about "cutting them out" in the plastic tarpaulin/late night drive sort of way?

coffeepls

If you want to have a ball park rule that will help - try a 6 month gap after the relationship has failed. Delete him off Facebook etc. Avoid him completely. If he's still the wonderful friend you thought he was, in 6 months time he will still be your friend. He should understand that you need to start afresh if he's worth having as a friend.

That's only a suggestion. You sounded like you needed some kind of idea to work with.

One eyed Jack

Medallion of Kunt wrote: »

I live with my ex and our children, for us we deemed it healthier to remain friends.

I considered that a bizarre setup when I first met a woman who explained that she and her ex were living together as a family and were still good friends and the whole lot, just that they didn't work out as a couple (they had children too), but I'm seeing these arrangements a lot more nowadays as people simply decide that they don't work well together in a relationship, but there's no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak.

I don't cut people off at all if there's something there that means we will always be friends, maybe not lovers, but friends is always good enough for me. I don't think I'd waste too much energy though on someone who was just a pain in the ass.

The Dark Side

The reality is that it doesn't work.

Most people who remain friends with their ex's want a back-burner fcukbuddy or the occasional ego-boost.

I think generally you need a cut off period to get your head straight again and make sure you're moving on... After that you could be friends again

ThinkProgress

You can be friendly, but you don't have to be "friends"..

I would never purposely avoid an ex - I've always ended on good terms - but I also wouldn't be comfortable being close "friends" with them either!

A clean break is better. Keep a healthy distance from each other, but always be friendly and pleasant to them if your paths do cross!

TheBeardedLady

I'm in semi-contact with two of them via Facebook but we're not mates. I wouldn't have any interest in being friends with any exes, tbh.

Medusa22

I don't think you should feel any pressure to remain friends with an ex, regardless of who ended the relationship. I'm not close friends with any of my exes but I still talk to them occasionally. Ok, I admit that sometimes it is partially for an ego boost and sometimes a bit of schadenfreude (staying friends with them to witness their downfall ) but mostly it's because that person was significant to me for a period of time so I also like to know how they are getting on.

HalloweenJack

I'm a firm believer in cut all ties with exes. This is because I've tried the "let's be friends" thing and it failed repeatedly and miserably.

Time is definitely needed apart after a breakup. While I'd personally say cut all ties, I can understand the viewpoint of taking a break to see how you feel.

Another big factor is how/who ended the relationship.

masculinist

LadyFenghuang wrote: »

It's not even that I guess that is a point though. But it's not like I would ever go back to an ex. It's just I feel sometimes it's done so the dumper doesn't feel like a monster. Sometimes i feel my self image is too much in the way i treat others and not enough in myself. It's out of not wishing to be awkward.

I do think they can keep you in the past though. Not even just romantically but who you were then. Or bad patterns etc. I notice that with myself.

Did you dump your ex ? Can you imagine your ex coming around for tea and sandwiches and meeting your new partner ? It seems kind of awkward, especially if the ex has feelings for you which can be speculated about.
The only scenario [apart from being forced due to Children involved] I can creatively come up with for keeping contact with an ex and everyone involved being mature about it is if the ex turned out to be Gay and I dont mean straight-bi . I mean camp and festive as Christmas :pac:

sbsquarepants

I don't get it - if something happened that was bad enough to cause you to break up, why would you want to be friends?

steddyeddy

LadyFenghuang wrote: »

Also if you are dating and trying to find someone you can't remain mates with everyone! ?? Why are we expected to be good sports?

In all honesty feck what we're expected to do. I've seen too many people destroy their self esteem by remaining friends with exs or friends who rejected them. Cut them out ruthlessly.

sbsquarepants

steddyeddy wrote: »

In all honesty feck what we're expected to do. I've seen too many people destroy their self esteem by remaining friends with exs or friends who rejected them. Cut them out ruthlessly.

I'm with steddyeddy.

It's like someone saying "obviously you're too much of an asshole to actually have around on a full time basis but once in a while I will permit you to be in my company for an hour or two" Oh will you now your majesty!:mad:

jonnypacket

*cringe*

Son Of A Vidic

An ex is like gangrene, if you don't get rid of it, it could poison you.

Collie D

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm with steddyeddy.

It's like someone saying "obviously you're too much of an asshole to actually have around on a full time basis but once in a while I will permit you to be in my company for an hour or two" Oh will you now your majesty!:mad:

This. If you can't handle my flaws then you don't get the benefit of my good points either. By all means text me on my birthday or have a chat if we bump into each other but bar that...see ya

LeinsterDub

if your a windows platform your going to need your exes , Unix is a different story .

seenitall

Re this, my exes can be sorted into two categories:

A - the men I broke up with
B - the men who broke up with me

Group A usually wants to remain friends because they're still pining away after my fabulous self and are hoping for a change of mind -> ulterior motives -> a very bad idea. No, no thanks.

Group B usually wants to remain friends because they love the feeling of having the upper hand they get when they dump me, so want to prolong that as much as possible, where the friendship will (so they imagine) involve a lot of ego-stroking and pining away after them by me. Er, no. No thanks.

LadyFenghuang

I should prob do it.

_Whimsical_

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm with steddyeddy.

It's like someone saying "obviously you're too much of an asshole to actually have around on a full time basis but once in a while I will permit you to be in my company for an hour or two" Oh will you now your majesty!:mad:

Well that's just the thing, that's the truth about loads of our friends and even family. We can love them dearly but we couldn't spend the level of time or invest the level of feeling you do in a lover, you wouldn't entwine your life with theirs because you're just too different. I think exes can be friends if there's been a bit of time and you've moved past it then it's grand to have them as arms length friends. You get all the benefit of why you liked them in the beginning with the wisdom of knowing why you wouldn't get any closer to them.
I have one ex who I chat to all the time and I have zero interest in him now. I know he's a decent person who is great company and I know exactly why he'd never be for me, or I for him. I can handle that reality without taking it too personally.

If in the relationship you've realised someone is genuinely a person you do not like as a human being and would not befriend a person like them then give them a wide birth I'd say and rebuff any friendly advances. I think it's a bit foolhardy to totally let go of decent people though if you can remain civil/friendly at all.

ThinkProgress

I broke up with this girl a few years ago, because I felt things were getting stale and boring... almost like groundhog day sometimes!

Every time I tried to change routines or do something spontaneous, she had little interest. We were just totally on a different page. She liked doing the same repetitive stuff every weekend... etc.

Anyway even though she was a nice person, I just couldn't live my life that way. I realized we were very different and I was wasting my time and energy hoping she would change.

So I knew there was no value in us being friends either. (for both of us) You have to make tough decisions sometimes, and it's harder in this generation to cut someone out of your life because of social media etc.

But any time you waste on an empty friendship, is time taken away from more fulfilling relationships or endeavors. So you have to be cruel to be kind. That's my perspective anyway.