Step daughter moved out because of me!

mangotracy

Hi,

My step daughter has lived with us full time for 5 years. She can be rude and distant but I also used to think she needed a bit of love and TLC too, she is a bit awkward.

However, she used to make fun of my son for following my rules. If I asked her to do anything she was really horrible and basically ignored me. My son has to respect and follow my Husbands rules so it was quite unfair.

But I accepted she wasn't going to bond with me but used to help out where I could - buy her socks and look after her when she was sick. It wasn't perfect but it was bearable on both sides, or so I thought.

She is now 18 and one day, after she didn't say hello to me again (happens all the time) I finally told her how it made me feel. I said it made an atmosphere in the house, and that she said hello to her biological family but just not me or my son and that it was upsetting.

She told me 'You're not my mother' and the only place I could ask her to do stuff was around the dinner table. In a way I thought although painful, it was good to get some things out in the open. Yet my partner just sided with her and the next day she moved to her mums house and has not returned to the house when I've been around.

It has really upset me. My partner won't talk about it, nor will my step daughter. They all seem happy with this new arrangement but I'm left to feel like I'm a total bad guy and isolated. I give up! 5 years trying. It's unthinkable that would happen to a biological parent without my step daughter being told that was really hurtful, but because I'm the step mom, it is like I have no feelings at all.

It has got to the point where if she did start turning up at the house I'd feel really angry and want to talk about what has happened.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I completely sympathise with you and your situation. My stepdaughter is the same with me, rude, disrespectful, lies and she is only 15. I've tried everything, talking to her, taking a step back, counselling, solo and family but nothing worked and I've had to accept we will never bond and that's okay. She doesn't or never did live with us.
I understand why you feel like the bad guy but don't. Once you know in your heart you've tried I would try to move on. How is your relationship with your husband? You need to focus on that. We were told in counselling that we need our relationship to be a priority and it is otherwise I'd have been long gone.
So she doesn't like you, so what. Does that make you a bad person? No. Don't let anyone make you feel like the bad guy either. I'd suggest some counselling to deal with the anger and frustration, it will really help.
Encourage and support a relationship with her dad but don't let anyone treat you like that no matter who they are. If she isn't happy that you're with her dad that's something they need to work on, you shouldn't be the easy target. You're in a blended family. It's not easy but everyone can be happy. It doesn't mean it's going to be like a fairytale. Stop beating yourself up. There's no excuse for blatant disrespect and rudeness. You can dislike someone but still be respectful.

mordeith

She sounds like a spoilt bitch. I'd be glad to be rid of her.

MagicMarker

Good riddance, turn her room into a walk in wardrobe.

seamus

You entered her life at a really difficult time developmentally. Most parents have a bedrock of trust and respect built up from childhood which they can then lean on when puberty kicks in and the child attempts to assert their own personality, they disrespect their parents, fight the rules, and often become unbearable. But underneath it the parent/child bond is there and both parties know it.

You've gotten all the fun of being disrespected and fought but without the bedrock of trust and respect to fall back on.

It sounds to me like you need to step back somewhat and accept that for whatever reason your stepdaughter decided from day one that she has no intention of allowing to be part of her life, and has made an effort to keep you at arms' length. She's 18 now, and while she's not acting like an adult, she is one. At this stage, treat her as you would treat any other adult relative of your husband's. Say Hi when you see her and make small talk, but otherwise don't kill yourself trying to make an effort. The more you push, the more she will push back. At 25 or 30 she'll realise how badly she treated you, but only if you leave her alone.

Let your husband know how crappy the whole situation has made you feel, but from there it's up to him to fix it, if he wants it to be fixed. Perhaps he feels guilty about how things have turned out for his daughter, perhaps he doesn't know how to handle her, you just don't know. Either way, dealing with his daughter's attitude towards you is not something that you can fix.

Neyite

Give it a bit of time OP. She might see that the grass isn't greener at her mother's and over there she cant stomp off in a strop yelling "you're not my REAL Mom" like she could at yours.

But I do think that treating her like any other relative to your husband is the way to go. She's reared now, let her off to realise like we all did at that age, that sometimes we don't know it all.

mangotracy

Cantotallyunderstand wrote: »

Hi OP, Encourage and support a relationship with her dad but don't let anyone treat you like that no matter who they are. If she isn't happy that you're with her dad that's something they need to work on, you shouldn't be the easy target.

Thanks so much for that. I can't believe now how I put up with her rudeness and contempt for me and my boy for so long. She doesn't mean to I know, but it made everything really hard in the house.

My biggest problem is that my partner still does not see it and I think harbours a lot of resentment towards me about this. But he refuses to talk and just tells his daughters that there are differences of opinion.

It probably would be easier if my step daughter just came out and got angry with me - because at least then other people would see what had been going on.

mangotracy

Neyite wrote: »

Give it a bit of time OP. She might see that the grass isn't greener at her mother's and over there she cant stomp off in a strop yelling "you're not my REAL Mom" like she could at yours.

But I do think that treating her like any other relative to your husband is the way to go. She's reared now, let her off to realise like we all did at that age, that sometimes we don't know it all.

That is also really helpful.
The other step daughter did exactly the same to her own mum a few years ago, came to live with us because she argued with her mother. The difference is she said sorry to her mum and they made up. Me and my step daughter have not built up a relationship so there is nothing to fall back on - doubly damaging.

Penny Tration

I think you need to have words with your husband.

I understand that he's caught between the two of you, but how dare he act like your feelings don't exist and refuse to speak about it, while resenting you for it!

mangotracy

seamus wrote: »

Let your husband know how crappy the whole situation has made you feel, but from there it's up to him to fix it, if he wants it to be fixed. .

Thanks for that. I agree I entered her life at a tricky time. To be honest she was living with her Dad because her mum couldn't handle her. To me she was a bit abandoned by her mum at some critical years. Perhaps it will be good to rebond with her own mother.

My other problem is that it hasn't been easy with his other daughters either (FOUR TEENAGERS altogether - a bit of a minefield!)- but I hoped it would improve. The eldest left home a while ago and blamed me also for moving out (even though I hadn't even moved in at the time and had never been anything but sweet to her). She seems to have forgotten about that now - but it all adds to a growing sense that there is distrust from all of them for me - and their mum doesn't like me because she falls out with anyone not in her family. It is like none of the effort I've put in is paying off.

MrWalsh

mangotracy wrote: »

It is like none of the effort I've put in is paying off.

And what effort is he putting in to help his children accept you? Why did he allow his daughter to be rude and disrespectful to you for 5 years?

mangotracy

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

I think you need to have words with your husband.

I understand that he's caught between the two of you, but how dare he act like your feelings don't exist and refuse to speak about it, while resenting you for it!

Thanks, it is quite hurtful. I mean he could see I was actually cleaning sick off her bed a few days before and looking after her when she was ill.

Yet since she's moved out (4 months ago) - he's taken the daughter out for coffees and shows and cinema and hasn't taken me out once. I don't mind him taking her out but in the circumstances all it is doing is rewarding her for snubbing me and excluding me totally.

We have to be united or we are sunk. I'm not sure it will happen. But I'll try.

seamus

Oh lord, four teenage daughters and you shacked up with their father? You're a woman, who is not their mother, who is in a relationship with their father.

In most cases, there's basically no way you're going to find yourself in favour with those girls unless their own mother is the antichrist.

Like I say, you may just have to wait until they're older to get any semblance of recognition from them. Their father should be making it very clear that he expects them to respect you (like you have your son), but your chances of being anything more than the "other woman" with those four girls is slim. Especially if their own mother is in any way bitter towards you.

I think you deserve a medal for sticking it out for five years. But seriously, they are adult relatives of your husband's. Treat them that way and you should find your own life improves.

Neyite

mangotracy wrote: »

Thanks, it is quite hurtful. I mean he could see I was actually cleaning sick off her bed a few days before and looking after her when she was ill.

Yet since she's moved out (4 months ago) - he's taken the daughter out for coffees and shows and cinema and hasn't taken me out once. I don't mind him taking her out but in the circumstances all it is doing is rewarding her for snubbing me and excluding me totally.

We have to be united or we are sunk. I'm not sure it will happen. But I'll try.

The bit I bolded, I'd have a different take on it - that it's their right to have one-on-one contact, and tbh, you could probably do with a bit of peace and quiet so let them off - you've tried to foster a civil relationship with her and she is not your problem any-more.

Be wary of comparing how he treats you both - there is a danger that it might come across as petty or childish. You really dont have a step-parent problem IMO, you have a husband problem. He is taking you totally for granted.

I think you are blaming yourself for the failure of the step-parent relationship. Don't. You did what you could amongst a group of catty little teens who were influenced by their equally catty mother. I know someone that happened to. He was awful to his lovely step mum for years until his now wife came along and he saw it through fresh eyes. They are very close now and he has a strained relationship with his mother now he no longer is her pawn to sh!t stir.

ForstalDave

Teenagers don't think rationally so all the hurt and pain over her parents breakup is being directed at you, She most likely sees it as if you wernt there they would still be together she doesn't understand that you are an innocent person in the breakup of the marriage, its clearly not your fault in anyway but it is also very hard for her to separate the blame from you.

Your husband does need to step up and deal with the issues though, it is no way like that and if she gets away with it she will feel its ok to treats others like that also it is worth Every child reacts differently to a breakup between parents (i never had issues with my stepmother it did make me incredible shy which causes me major issues as an adult)

mangotracy

seamus wrote: »

Oh lord, four teenage daughters and you shacked up with their father? You're a woman, who is not their mother, who is in a relationship with their father.

In most cases, there's basically no way you're going to find yourself in favour with those girls unless their own mother is the antichrist.

Like I say, you may just have to wait until they're older to get any semblance of recognition from them. Their father should be making it very clear that he expects them to respect you (like you have your son), but your chances of being anything more than the "other woman" with those four girls is slim. Especially if their own mother is in any way bitter towards you.

I think you deserve a medal for sticking it out for five years. But seriously, they are adult relatives of your husband's. Treat them that way and you should find your own life improves.

You have sound advice. To be honest I'm not sure what I was thinking! They say love is blind and I think it was in my case. I haven't got a thick skin either unfortunately.

mangotracy

ForstalDave wrote: »

Teenagers don't think rationally so all the hurt and pain over her parents breakup is being directed at you, She most likely sees it as if you wernt there they would still be together she doesn't understand that you are an innocent person in the breakup of the marriage, its clearly not your fault in anyway but it is also very hard for her to separate the blame from you.

Your husband does need to step up and deal with the issues though, it is no way like that and if she gets away with it she will feel its ok to treats others like that also it is worth Every child reacts differently to a breakup between parents (i never had issues with my stepmother it did make me incredible shy which causes me major issues as an adult)

Yes, because she is quite awkward - my partner just put it down to that. She can be quite rude to him too but he just takes it. I finally told him last year how difficult I and my son found it - and he had a word with her -and things improved a little but soon went back to being rude. He can't see that it is directed at me and my son at all.

mangotracy

Neyite wrote: »

The bit I bolded, I'd have a different take on it - that it's their right to have one-on-one contact, and tbh, you could probably do with a bit of peace and quiet so let them off - you've tried to foster a civil relationship with her and she is not your problem any-more.

Be wary of comparing how he treats you both - there is a danger that it might come across as petty or childish. You really dont have a step-parent problem IMO, you have a husband problem. He is taking you totally for granted.

I think you are blaming yourself for the failure of the step-parent relationship. Don't. You did what you could amongst a group of catty little teens who were influenced by their equally catty mother. I know someone that happened to. He was awful to his lovely step mum for years until his now wife came along and he saw it through fresh eyes. They are very close now and he has a strained relationship with his mother now he no longer is her pawn to sh!t stir.

True. To be honest I was always on at him to spend more time one to one with his daughters - it was just the timing of this one and feeling that she wouldn't come in the house. But I will back off that one.

Thanks very much for the advice and experience. Feel quite alone with it all.

Sligo1

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

I think you need to have words with your husband.

I understand that he's caught between the two of you, but how dare he act like your feelings don't exist and refuse to speak about it, while resenting you for it!

This!

Tbh it sounds like your husband needs a good talking to. If his daughters can see him disrespecting you (which he is doing!) of course they see fit to do the same thing. Now I am no relationship expert but from what you have described here you and your husband need some relationship counsellimf. It is absolutely not ok for him to side with his daughters or either act like there is nothing wrong or brush over things which hurt you. I would kill my husband/partner/bf whatever if he did this. I would question our relationship entirely tbh. As this is something I could not personally live with.

You are a person too! And you and your husband need to show a United front of his daughters are to have any respect for you. He needs to support YOU!

mangotracy

Sligo1 wrote: »

You are a person too! And you and your husband need to show a United front of his daughters are to have any respect for you. He needs to support YOU!

Thanks for this. I do know this in my heart. He has made more of an effort to get them to be more respectful - but he's still way too soft. If he tells my son to tidy his room - my son just does it. I ONCE told my step daughter to tidy her room and she was in a foul mood for a couple of weeks. She was in a foul mood when I bought her clothes!

The trouble with this behaviour is - my husband thinks it is just 'imagined' or not there - it isn't obvious to anyone but me.

I've asked my husband for counselling for months now.

Sligo1

mangotracy wrote: »

Thanks for this. I do know this in my heart. He has made more of an effort to get them to be more respectful - but he's still way too soft. If he tells my son to tidy his room - my son just does it. I ONCE told my step daughter to tidy her room and she was in a foul mood for a couple of weeks. She was in a foul mood when I bought her clothes!

The trouble with this behaviour is - my husband thinks it is just 'imagined' or not there - it isn't obvious to anyone but me.

I've asked my husband for counselling for months now.

If your husband is too soft the way you describe him... This is the precise reason his daughters are behaving the way they are. It speaks reams. I think the majority of the time kids get away with what they can or are allowed to. Prob the reason your son is well behaved and does what he's told! Because he has been brought up in the belief that others should be shown respect and with a good set of values.

I feel very sorry for you. You and your husband appear to have a different set of values for the important job of raising children. I think one of the key factors for a relationship is to make sure you have the same core values which doesn't seem to be the case here. It really needs to be sorted but I don't know how you are going to do that is he refuses to listen and refuses counselling or anything you ask. Seems like his relationship isn't a priority unfortunately. I can't imagine how difficult and frustrating this must be for you. I hope you are able to sort it tho.

But as for the stepdaughter, as others have said... Take a step back and please don't take it personally. You seem like a good person. She seems very spoilt with no common manners. Just try not to let it bother you.

Sleepy

The only parenting advice I'd have here is to talk to your husband about making sure none of his daughters do/say anything negative towards your son. Even if they just benignly ignore him, I'd settle for that tbh.

Neither of you can make them love you or your son and, tbh, it sounds like your husband panders to them because he thinks their feelings towards him are conditional.

You don't have to answer but did he leave their mother for you or was there a fairly short gap between them splitting and you two getting together? I get on very well with my step-mother (whom my Dad did leave my Mam for) but my sister's relationship with her has never gone beyond polite and restrained. And even at that, we were both much older (college age) when our parents split. It seems like you went into the relationship with an open-heart, hoping they would to and expecting that, at some stage, you'd all end up as a happy blended family. As a step-dad in a happily blended family, I commend that but think that the last bit might have been a bit naieve at the age your step-daughters were at.

You have every right to demand to be treated with respect in your own home but, I'm afraid, any discipline required will have to come from your husband and, in your shoes, I wouldn't hold any high hopes that you'll ever see any affection from them. As seamus says, it'll probably get better with time but if a 13 year old perceived you as the "evil other woman" when she was a girl, it's probable that she still won't have any love for you in her 30's when she's a grown woman.

Your husband does need to step up to the plate about making sure his daughters treat you with respect but I wouldn't expect that to extend beyond a "hi" or "please" and "thank you".

Sleepy

Sorry it didn't work out for you. Sometimes we can try our best and other people can let us down.

Sligo1

You poor thing. I'm so sorry to hear this and hope you are ok. please try and stay positive. And please remember you really don't deserve to be so rudely disrespected my your husband or his children. There are plenty of people out there that will treat you and your son so so much better than this.

mangotracy

Sligo1 wrote: »

You poor thing. I'm so sorry to hear this and hope you are ok. please try and stay positive. And please remember you really don't deserve to be so rudely disrespected my your husband or his children. There are plenty of people out there that will treat you and your son so so much better than this.

Thanks both to you and Sleepy... needed a little TLC myself! Shame also as we have a son together who is 2, it does seem unfair that he has to lose out. But I really am at the end of my tether.

Penny Tration

mangotracy wrote: »

Thanks both to you and Sleepy... needed a little TLC myself! Shame also as we have a son together who is 2, it does seem unfair that he has to lose out. But I really am at the end of my tether.

Your 2 year old will grow up in a better environment if they don't have to see the nasty attitude, resentment and lack of respect you described.

I'm sorry it ended like this, op. I'm sure that's not what you wanted at all.

You and your kids deserve so much more.

mangotracy

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Your 2 year old will grow up in a better environment if they don't have to see the nasty attitude, resentment and lack of respect you described.

I'm sorry it ended like this, op. I'm sure that's not what you wanted at all.

You and your kids deserve so much more.

Thanks for this. Although my step daughter is overly nice to my 2 year to the point where she tries to parent him herself! Which only makes her ignoring of me and my other son more painful. Not a healthy atmosphere either way.

Elliottsmum79

Seems like your stepdaughter is vying you for position of most important person in her dads life. And you and your partners behavior has enable or permitted her to behave like this by accepting it. Dont take on the guilt or shame of having "driven her away". She sounds like a lonely, angry, hurt teenager looking to make a drama from you calling her out on her unacceptable behavior.

This needs a conversation with your partner firstly and then with you both and your stepdaugher to agree how to move on from here with respect and dignity. You and your partner must unite on this one. Also, its not fair to say Good riddance in my book, she is a important part of your partners life and will be a part of your blended family into the future. A fracture with her may leave a fracture with your partner.
So best start the long overdue conversations now and dont let this fester. Calmly adn gently. Begin by calmly asking her how shes' feeling, what caused her to move out, and that it upset you all and mad you sad. Focus on your feelings and let her "own" her own feelings. Then tell her that you want a positive relationship with her but that can only happen if two of you make an effort as equals and adults. Then its her choice. Keep open to a relationship with her. While you may never be close, hopefully in time she will realise you are not the big bad wolf. Good luck.

mangotracy

Elliottsmum79 wrote: »

Seems like your stepdaughter is vying you for position of most important person in her dads life. And you and your partners behavior has enable or permitted her to behave like this by accepting it. Dont take on the guilt or shame of having "driven her away". She sounds like a lonely, angry, hurt teenager looking to make a drama from you calling her out on her unacceptable behavior.

This needs a conversation with your partner firstly and then with you both and your stepdaugher to agree how to move on from here with respect and dignity. You and your partner must unite on this one. Also, its not fair to say Good riddance in my book, she is a important part of your partners life and will be a part of your blended family into the future. A fracture with her may leave a fracture with your partner.
So best start the long overdue conversations now and dont let this fester. Calmly adn gently. Begin by calmly asking her how shes' feeling, what caused her to move out, and that it upset you all and mad you sad. Focus on your feelings and let her "own" her own feelings. Then tell her that you want a positive relationship with her but that can only happen if two of you make an effort as equals and adults. Then its her choice. Keep open to a relationship with her. While you may never be close, hopefully in time she will realise you are not the big bad wolf. Good luck.

Thank you for this, all very good advice.

Unfortunately I think it is too late. I tried to talk several times to my partner about this after she moved out but he refused, saying that we 'would just argue'. I think for him he has been quite soft with her, and she has told him that she couldn't bond with me because I was nice sometimes but not others. I have never been horrible to her the girl, ever. (I presume this may refer to the very few times I asked to do anything - although not being given specifics I could not say - e.g. not speak to my son in a horrible way).

In the past I sat both my step daughter and my partner down, and explained about a situation - just to get it all sorted between all of us. She never agreed to anything and just carried on. I also found it hurtful that my partner would see it as just a disagreement between me and his step daughter - especially as clearly my son felt as ignored as I did. She is pretty rude to him as well and I just takes it.

I also wanted to talk to my step daughter after she left the house but as she completely ignored me and never came to the house while I was there I never had the chance. She had exams coming up so I thought okay, I'll leave it until later then.

I can't do anything about how she may feel about me - but there has to be a line drawn in the sand at some point. I think the crux of this is, my partner should not be swayed about our relationship even if they all hated me.

I'm sure if he stood firm with me and just said to his daughter that of course he loves her, will always be her father, always have time for her, but that if she wants to be part of our household and family she has to be respectful. And tell her that he will love me, his partner, no matter how she herself feels - well that I wouldn't be in the position that I am in now. Which is breaking up with her father.

Elliottsmum79

mangotracy wrote: »

I'm sure if he stood firm with me and just said to his daughter that of course he loves her, will always be her father, always have time for her, but that if she wants to be part of our household and family she has to be respectful. And tell her that he will love me, his partner, no matter how she herself feels - well that I wouldn't be in the position that I am in now. Which is breaking up with her father.

I get you. Its a really tough one and your last paragraph sums it all up perfectly. There need to be boundaries clearly established between her relationship with her dad, and her relationship with you/your son. Different, separate, exclusive. You're right indeed, its not simply a disagreement it a constant state of battle and very wearing. I would really try to push yourself and your partner towards counselling around this issue. Certainly worth a try if you're on the verge of break up ( which will forever place his daughter as the "one who split them up"). A neautral voice in the room can really help when in deadlock.

Meanwhile, could she and her dad arrange some special time together, cinema, walks etc to strengthen their own relationship so she wont have to battle you for her place? Hope so. Heart goes out to you. I know you're weary.

mangotracy

Elliottsmum79 wrote: »

I get you. Its a really tough one and your last paragraph sums it all up perfectly. There need to be boundaries clearly established between her relationship with her dad, and her relationship with you/your son. Different, separate, exclusive. You're right indeed, its not simply a disagreement it a constant state of battle and very wearing. I would really try to push yourself and your partner towards counselling around this issue. Certainly worth a try if you're on the verge of break up ( which will forever place his daughter as the "one who split them up"). A neautral voice in the room can really help when in deadlock.

Meanwhile, could she and her dad arrange some special time together, cinema, walks etc to strengthen their own relationship so she wont have to battle you for her place? Hope so. Heart goes out to you. I know you're weary.

Thanks again, it really helps.

Yes her Dad has had loads of one to one time with her.He's taken her out for meals, cinema, comedy nights, helped her with future choices, everything.

I invited her around for his birthday. She came but never said a word to me. Other than that she pointedly only comes if I'm out. Which is another thing her Dad should probably have put his foot down on, possibly less 'treats' after a while - as I'm sure her sisters are probably cross that they don't get this special treatment - because they come and stay with us and haven't ignored me.

It's the seething resentment which I think has got to my other half - and he resents me too but has dragged his feet over counselling. I tried to tell him again recently that it was pretty upsetting her moving out and that I still feel blamed. He just said that 'oh she says things she doesn't mean' and he brushes it off. But then tells me we are incompatible because we don't feel the same way about his daughters and apparently I 'can't understand that he loves them'. Even though I haven't said anything mean at all, haven't disputed his time with her - hell I even looked after all the other kids regularly so that he could go out with her because she wouldn't come around!

Sigh... sorry. In the midst of this and seem to be losing the trail of myself. Just meant to say thank you!