Do you intend to get married?

I'm pretty indifferent about marriage. I would like to meet someone marriage-worthy at some point (as unlikely as that may be) but I don't think whether we actually got married or not would bother me too much.

OnTheCouch

To be honest I can't really see it. Certainly not at this moment in time anyway. Granted, the fact I'm currently single invariably doesn't help, plus I do acknowledge that there are tax and inheritance advantages involved, but my major issue is I still see marriage as a risk.

I think it's something like 15-20 percent of marriages that end in divorce in Ireland (I remember reading that somewhere but not sure of source). If true, obviously the chances are still reasonably high that things would work out, but the risk of failure is still too great for me.

Plus, without wanting to get into a sexist debate, I do feel that marriage is more often something men are not too bothered about and are kind of persuaded into by their other halves. Not always mind you, there are many men who do certainly want to get married. But I'm not one of them. Plus I think men have more to lose financially should things go wrong, which fills me with a certain amount of dread.

I have vaguely considered the prospect with two exes, but only vaguely. Luckily, neither of them were at the stage where they were coming under social and societal pressure to take the next step so it was never a realistic discussion.

But those two relationships ended, just like all my other ones and I suppose the main issue is that I am not convinced that living together for 30-50 years will be manageable or more importantly feasible, at least not with my personality and the women that I tend to be attracted to. This of course may be my issue as well.

However, should I meet someone incredibly special, who really wanted after a few years to get married more than anything, I would certainly give it some thought. I would like to have children and am aware that the standard nuclear family is most likely the best environment in which to raise them. But until that day I'd have to say 'Nah, probably not for me.'

melissak

Yes

jorex88 wrote: »

All very fine, but will your kids (or your family/friends) respect you?

Diamond Doll

LivingDeadGirl wrote: »

I would also prefer for all of the family to have the same last name if we were to have children.

That's one thing that really doesn't bother me at all. I was born with my surname and I'll die with it, even if I did get married my name won't change. Our son was given my surname rather than his dad's - some people find that unusual, but I happen to much prefer my surname to my partner's, and my partner wasn't too fussed either way - so we went with my surname. It hasn't caused us any hassle yet.

Eugene Norman

This little piggy wrote: »

That's one thing that really doesn't bother me at all. I was born with my surname and I'll die with it, even if I did get married my name won't change. Our son was given my surname rather than his dad's - some people find that unusual, but I happen to much prefer my surname to my partner's, and my partner wasn't too fussed either way - so we went with my surname. It hasn't caused us any hassle yet.

I've always thought that should alternate. First kid named after father, next after mother (or vice versa). Officialdom would have to come to terms with that of course.

Eugene Norman

eviltwin wrote: »

People shouldn't be pressured into marriage just to protect what is already theirs

What you are looking for perhaps is marriage ( which is a contract recognised by the state) named something else. I don't see the point.

Nor is the state going to second guess the nature of every lived in relationship in the country. Given that marriage isn't a man and a woman anymore and there are plenty of people living long term with their same sex friends ( and to a lesser extent with their opposite sex friends) without being in a relationship there is no way of knowing, not that there ever really was.

There are plenty of legal marriageable permutations when 2 males and 2 females live together ( all single, two hetro couples, two gay couples, one gay couple, one hetro couple) the state can't possibly tell. Given there are advantages to marrying in terms of tax etc, just do it. Al you need is two people to get married, two witness and a licenced registrar. The venue can be a pub.

Wibbs

When younger it was a vague notion in the back of my head of "one day quite likely", though I was never really one for longtermers TBH. Now with many more miles on the clock these days, no. It works for a great many people, but it wouldn't work with me.

If for no other reason than I have a real talent for spotting and being attracted to highly camouflaged(at first) neurotics. The all's well early on(especially if you're younger and haven't learned to read the cues of woe to come) but when they get comfortable the nuttiness floats to the surface. The lurching from one emotional "crisis" to the next types. They're attracted to me too. Insane wibbs seeking missiles

TBH I have found relationships taxing. Oddly as I have quite the few women friends and I really couldn't hope for better people in my life. But when naughty bits get involved… I have even seen that with a woman I know who is sound as a pound. Around me and other male friends. Her partners over the years have really worked I can tell you. You'd look on thinking "you poor bastard" and looking at her asking, "who the hell are you and what have you done with my mate?". I have theories why that goes on, but that's for another day.

I think good marriages are founded on two people who are naturally good at that kinda thing, but I'd not be among their number.

John_Rambo

For myself, I wanted to cement my already healthy relationship, to officially declare our love and commitment to each other in front of our loved ones and leave our aging parents with the security that we are happily committed to a life of putting effort in our relationship that will lead to family and happiness. Also, they have always been a fantastic way for all the family to reconnect.

I come from a long line of hard working, busy people scattered over Europe and the states. Weddings are sometimes the only way I get to see some of my family. None of us want to leave funerals for these type of meet ups.

Although, we wouldn't be traditionalists, and we didn't have a traditional Irish wedding, the wedding is an ancient celebration, celebrated across most cultures. Like most cultures we celebrated with exceptional food, exceptional surroundings and exceptional family and friends. Booze was a factor, but more quality than quantity.

Our family weddings are very much about family, food, the ambient surroundings, the outdoors, music, and fun. Not many church and hotel weddings, but all are enjoyably different to each others.

Our wedding was an informal memorable time with warmth, love and friendship.

Ulnar

Never thought I'd get married, it scared the crap out of me just thinking about

Married nearly 2 years and I wish I could turn the clock back.

InTheTrees

I also liked getting a divorce...

Wompa1

Yes, I'm engaged but neither of us are rushing to get married. Will likely even have kids before we even get married. The great thing is that she doesn't want a wedding. So, we can just go to a court whenever we feel like it and get the job done. We both have rings already. I don't wear mine, she wears hers. Being married won't change much for us, I feel. I guess it will help out with taxes and some legal stuff.

Wompa1

Wibbs wrote: »

If for no other reason than I have a real talent for spotting and being attracted to highly camouflaged(at first) neurotics. The all's well early on(especially if you're younger and haven't learned to read the cues of woe to come) but when they get comfortable the nuttiness floats to the surface. The lurching from one emotional "crisis" to the next types. They're attracted to me too. Insane wibbs seeking missiles

TBH I have found relationships taxing. Oddly as I have quite the few women friends and I really couldn't hope for better people in my life. But when naughty bits get involved… I have even seen that with a woman I know who is sound as a pound. Around me and other male friends. Her partners over the years have really worked I can tell you. You'd look on thinking "you poor bastard" and looking at her asking, "who the hell are you and what have you done with my mate?". I have theories why that goes on, but that's for another day.

Oddly that describes most relationships I had when I lived in Ireland.

edward2222

I'm still single, well,
its better to be with no one, than to be with the wrong one.

Wibbs

Wompa1 wrote: »

Oddly that describes most relationships I had when I lived in Ireland.

Then it must be something in the water W because well over half of my exes weren't Irish. Nope, nationality/culture has nothing to do with it, I'm just bad at picking them.

fanatics2014

sometimes.

The Corinthian

Wibbs wrote: »

If for no other reason than I have a real talent for spotting and being attracted to highly camouflaged(at first) neurotics.

Exactly the same here. I've resigned myself to being a borderline magnet.

Where I live, it makes little sense to marry anyway. You get taxed more, not less, as a married couple. Inheritance tax is very low anyway. The courts are notoriously biased in favour of the wife. There's no back-door, automatic marriage lite if you cohabit. And the divorce rate is over fifty percent.

TBH, marriage would be a more attractive option if it was forever. But it's not; it's a temporary institution masquerading as a permanent one and if you're unlucky enough to be born with a Y-chromosome too many, the financial effects of it failing are significantly more likely to be devastating. And the older you get the more you see these, not only in those marriages that fail among your peers but those that don't and you see more and more trapped in loveless marriages simply because they cannot afford to separate financially or because it would mean they would effectively lose their children.

So, until the law changes and catches up that marriage is no longer for life, it's simply not viable for me and I suspect an increasing number of people.

Wibbs

The Corinthian wrote: »

And the older you get the more you see these, not only in those marriages that fail among your peers but those that don't and you see more and more trapped in loveless marriages simply because they cannot afford to separate financially or because it would mean they would effectively lose their children.

Yea I've seen that quite a bit. Guys I know who really adore their kids, but if the wife upped sticks and left in the middle of the night it wouldn't be much if any an emotional loss for either of them. I'm generally not talking about stereotypical "bad marriages" here either. Outwardly, even inwardly they're pretty average, there's little or no rancour and they tick along, but there's also little depth to the relationship either. It's entirely for the kids, followed by convenience and shared experience down the years.

It's often more lonely for the men. Not exclusively of course, but I have noticed more of a trend for the husbands to become more isolated, more likely to drop their pre marriage friends and social interests, replacing them with more solitary pursuits(if they replace them at all). The wives I know tend to have much larger social circles. BTW I do not blame the wives for this male self imposed purdah. All too often women get it in the neck for somehow restricting their boyfriends/husbands. I blame the men TBH. At any point they could have easily said nope, but they don't. Indeed many seem to relish and encourage this detachment.

The Corinthian

Wibbs wrote: »

BTW I do not blame the wives for this male self imposed purdah.

Oh, I don't know about that... while naturally cases vary, I've noticed over the years, the tendency for some women to essentially, if not isolate, certainly cull many of their men's specifically single friends. Single female friends are frozen out almost immediately. Male single friends are first 'fixed up' by the woman and if they fail be become part of a couple are eventually dropped. Any reminder of single life is quietly and ruthlessly purged.

But, I'd agree in so far as the tendency for men to go along with it for a quiet life can only be blamed upon ourselves.

candy-gal1

Exactly, as has been said by a few people on here, how can anyone intend to get married really?!
If you meet that right person for you, that you love, is your soulmate and you cant see your life without them, you sign the prenuup , and they ask you or you ask them, then great, but thats just luck and right time etc isnt it?!

Cant really see how you can intend to marry, unless you dont mind who you marry, just once your married, I mean imho we could all do that, you may get married and you may not, you can hope and see but thats about it imho

candy-gal1

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Exactly, as has been said by a few people on here, how can anyone intend to get married really?!

The vast majority of people meet or expect to meet someone they will spend their life with though.

If you asked me when I was young, say 16, if I intended to get married my answer would be yes ( I wouldn't even say intend I would have said I will get married for sure in the future) as I would expect to meet someone, most likely sometime in my 20's who I would settle down with in the future. Its generally how things work.

Fat Christy

I can't answer that question because I don't know the answer to it.

I neither want or don't want to. Depends on if I meet the right person, wouldn't be pushed on it but wouldn't be adverse to it either.

Right now no, but I'm very changeable.

Wibbs

The Corinthian wrote: »

Oh, I don't know about that... while naturally cases vary, I've noticed over the years, the tendency for some women to essentially, if not isolate, certainly cull many of their men's specifically single friends. Single female friends are frozen out almost immediately. Male single friends are first 'fixed up' by the woman and if they fail be become part of a couple are eventually dropped. Any reminder of single life is quietly and ruthlessly purged.

Yep I have seen that a few times alright. I'd add into said cull any pre marriage male friends of the wife too. Had that happen to me a few times. Maybe because I knew where the bodies were buried. I mean a new married life of suburban bliss surrounded by other couples might be at some social risk if I started a sentence in public along the lines of "jayzus lass, do you remember that time we were blotto and you…".

zeffabelli

Wibbs wrote: »

If for no other reason than I have a real talent for spotting and being attracted to highly camouflaged(at first) neurotics. The all's well early on(especially if you're younger and haven't learned to read the cues of woe to come) but when they get comfortable the nuttiness floats to the surface. The lurching from one emotional "crisis" to the next types. They're attracted to me too. Insane wibbs seeking missiles

.

If this is true, and it might just be a case of selective perceptions on your part- I dunno- but Ive heard both men and women come out with this before...and its likely then that a) you don't notice the non crazies or the non wounded - selective perception- so you like it at some level- maybe plugs into some heroism on your part OR b) there is something in you that alienates the stable ones... which means they pick up on something in you, an alarm rings...and they quietly exit.

This isnt just true for you....I dont mean to pick you out..it's just you gave a good example.

I have had some married friends and quite frankly I don't think it's so much a case of being frozen out, as getting fed up with the takeaway lifestyle and being babysitter of last resort.

Married people's lives change, sometimes their friends can change in turn, sometimes they just don't want to be part of that journey.

The only married people I've stayed close friends with are too closely-related to purge.

Personally I don't intend to marry, but it might happen if I fell in love with someone who couldn't be talked out of it.

The Corinthian

zeffabelli wrote: »

If this is true, and it might just be a case of selective perceptions on your part- I dunno- but Ive heard both men and women come out with this before...and its likely then that a) you don't notice the non crazies or the non wounded - selective perception- so you like it at some level- maybe plugs into some heroism on your part OR b) there is something in you that alienates the stable ones... which means they pick up on something in you, an alarm rings...and they quietly exit.

I reckon it's because the crazy ones tend to be willing to do things quite naturally in bed that one would hesitate to ask of a professional.

failinis

It would be lovely if I could have the option of getting married (if Stormont get their act together and pass same sex marriage) but I don't know if marriage would be for me, it depends on who I end up really!

zeffabelli

The Corinthian wrote: »

I reckon it's because the crazy ones tend to be willing to do things quite naturally in bed that one would hesitate to ask of a professional.

So essentially, what you are saying is the crazy ones are cheaper.

Hmn..no wonder the normal ones get alarm bells and run.

The Corinthian

zeffabelli wrote: »

So essentially, what you are saying is the crazy ones are cheaper.

Huh? Cheaper that what?

zeffabelli

The Corinthian wrote: »

Huh? Cheaper that what?

Doesn't matter.

What does matter is this.

Thing is I have heard this before from men and women ..."I have a tendancy to attract___________________".

If this is the case, there is a reason why you or they are attracting X. There is something in you or them, that alienates the more neurotypical or that through selective perception only notices them, or those that can discern ...if you attract BPDs as you say...which is that space between neurosis and psychosis..... eh... then ..well.... that's deserves some reflection and no its not that they are more adventurous in bed. That is just silly and not very understanding of what is a very serious mental health condition.

The Corinthian

zeffabelli wrote: »

If this is the case, there is a reason why you or they are attracting X.

I don't think either Wibbs nor I suggested that the reason did not likely lie in ourselves.

that's deserves some reflection and no its not that they are more adventurous in bed. That is just silly and not very understanding of what is a very serious mental health condition.

Call it shallow, but it might well be a significant reason for why it happens in the first place - after all, I was exploring the psychology of the men attracted to such women in question, not the womens'.

bolopapa

Not a thing of choice for me, it's a must.

Aglomerado

Nope. Crazy cat lady to the end.

:p

kinsy

Don't mind the idea of getting married but really don't want a wedding. I would love to elope but I hate the idea of upsetting my parents, though I think they half expect it at this stage- been with my partner a long time and we've both openly talked about our dislike of weddings and the silliness (IMO) of spending so much money on them. Not to mention how worked up people seem to get about them. You'll always upset someone when you plan a wedding, even if you have one you invite nobody to. It's mad really!

wuzziwig

I tried being married once. Wasn't for me. Won't be doing it again.

Wibbs

zeffabelli wrote: »

If this is true, and it might just be a case of selective perceptions on your part- I dunno- but Ive heard both men and women come out with this before...and its likely then that a) you don't notice the non crazies or the non wounded - selective perception- so you like it at some level- maybe plugs into some heroism on your part OR b) there is something in you that alienates the stable ones... which means they pick up on something in you, an alarm rings...and they quietly exit.

OR c) there are a lot of crazies.

Oh I've had more "stable" types, but TBH for me they tend to be more beige and suburban in mindset and that bores me after a while. Well I get bored pretty easily anyway, in romantic relationships, not friendships funny enough where they span double digit decades. The loopers are more craic in the short term and I was very rarely looking for the longterm so… Plus I tend to prefer more "arty" types which tends to bring more of the out there mindset to the table. When I was younger there would have certainly be the element of wanting to "save them" or whatever, but that got old really quickly. Never again would I go down that route.

Something in me that might put of the "non wounded" is that I'd not be very domestic for the real want of a better word. Those Denny TV ads with the families gathering pre a wedding or going "up for the match" would be my idea of absolute hell to live in. Any time I've had to be in such a situation I've usually ended up chatting with the kids, rather than the adults, far less mind numbing. I realise that's not normal, but that's how it is and how I am.

I do agree with zeffa that the type of people you surround yourself with tends to reflect something in you, whatever that is
It doesn't mean anyone is to blame for anything but yeah

Even wibbs is saying yeah he likes "crazies" because they are more fun and anything else is boring
There you go

seenitall

Wibbs wrote: »

OR c) there are a lot of crazies.

Oh I've had more "stable" types, but TBH for me they tend to be more beige and suburban in mindset and that bores me after a while. Well I get bored pretty easily anyway, in romantic relationships, not friendships funny enough where they span double digit decades. The loopers are more craic in the short term and I was very rarely looking for the longterm so… Plus I tend to prefer more "arty" types which tends to bring more of the out there mindset to the table. When I was younger there would have certainly be the element of wanting to "save them" or whatever, but that got old really quickly. Never again would I go down that route.

Something in me that might put of the "non wounded" is that I'd not be very domestic for the real want of a better word. Those Denny TV ads with the families gathering pre a wedding or going "up for the match" would be my idea of absolute hell to live in. Any time I've had to be in such a situation I've usually ended up chatting with the kids, rather than the adults, far less mind numbing. I realise that's not normal, but that's how it is and how I am.

oh oh oh the story of my life

I remember taking a Sunday walk in the park at about 24 y.o. with my then boyfriend - perfectly domesticated, perfectly lovely, perfectly beige fella. He would have been plenty content to live out his days with me. I remember a family of four passed us, all on their bikes, big and small, chatting pleasantly amongst each other, and I remember vividly how seeing that family there made me feel: no, thank you. NO. I don't want that type of situation, and I don't want that type of man, either. Ever!

Now, just how fecked up is that? It must be a bit messed up at least, because after I broke up with that poor guy, I've never had a beige, domesticated man again, and likely never will. Only the free-spirit, non-committal types for me, the type of guy where you never know what happens next, and mostly not in a good way, either. I even managed to marry one of those! Oh but they're so interesting, the stories they tell, the lives they've lived, their looks and their wit, they are so attractive, and it's all so exciting, and unconventional, and thrilling. :rolleyes: So passionate! (Excuse the rolley-eyes, but really a lost, alcoholic man-child would sometimes describe this type better) Oh Yes. I've learned, and I'm still learning. It's like I have a target on my forehead for this type and it definitely has a target on its forehead that only I can see and zoom in on, too.

And so it goes. The funny thing is, I sometimes think I've matured over the years and what-not, but really, no. The truth is that, even for all the hell I've been put through by several Mr. Wrongs, I don't regret leaving Mr. Beige in my past for one second. Because it isn't in me to be Mr. Beige's Mrs. It just isn't, no matter all the heartache and and misery accrued in vainly trying to hold on to one Mr. Wrong after another. It would really seem, that unhappiness has been my choice. Again, how fecked up is that?!

Another marriage? Well now, let me think, what could possibly go wrong... :pac:

eternal

Who'd have me sure? Who'd have me.

One eyed Jack

eternal wrote: »

Who'd have me sure? Who'd have me.

Don't all put your hands up at once lads! :pac:

You're far too sensible eternal, definitely needs more cookie, or is that kooky, I can never tell the difference, one makes a large lady, the other means she's crazy, I know which one I rather

KingBrian2

If I found someone I loved yes I possible would.

eternal

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Don't all put your hands up at once lads! :pac:

You're far too sensible eternal, definitely needs more cookie, or is that kooky, I can never tell the difference, one makes a large lady, the other means she's crazy, I know which one I rather

I'm both large and crazy so I should satisfy all needs. I'm not sensible though.

kfallon

There's nobody stupid enough to say 'Yes' to me :P

eternal

kfallon wrote: »

There's nobody stupid enough to say 'Yes' to me :P

How many have you asked

nicki11

Probably will eventually, I'm in a long term relationship and its come up before so its on the cards eventually. Wouldn't like to live in sin forever, people will talk or at least my granny will

kfallon

eternal wrote: »

How many have you asked

I wouldn't waste me breath

eternal

kfallon wrote: »

I wouldn't waste me breath

If you don't enter the lottery of love then you can't win the jackpot.

KingBrian2

eternal wrote: »

If you don't enter the lottery of love then you can't win the jackpot.

Someone's playing cupid.

To Elland Back

I'm happily married for nearly 30 years and it suits me (and my wife, hopefully). I have 2 sons and I don't think they will ever get married in the traditional sense. I hope they find a partner with whom they want to undertake some form of long term commitment, even if the ceremony centres around throwing a live chicken at a French mime artist, or something similar. There is no wrong way to have a loving relationship

eternal

KingBrian2 wrote: »

Someone's playing cupid.

Banta my son, banta.

ThinkProgress

Marriage is a sham!

It's a great environment for raising a family, but usually one of the worst things you could ever do in a relationship.

Marriage is the "relationship killer"!

The rare happy/successful marriages are actually just blind luck.

I'm never doing it. Or having kids either. (<--That's what people do when they have no imagination and don't know what else to do with their "adult" lives. I've never had that dilemma... my world makes perfect sense and I'm very happy!)