Anyone regret having kids?

Chemical Byrne

^ I suppose a whether it stops or continues is largely a product of whether you have enough money to sustain both a family life and pursuits.

MrWalsh

John_Rambo wrote: »

Are you by an chance confusing me with someone that thinks everyone should have kids?

Its your earlier refusal to believe that no one ever regrets having them that was odd.

I think its pretty simple. You have 2 groups of people, those who have kids and those who dont.

Those who have kids - there will be people who regret it, there will be people who do not.

Those who do not have kids - there will be people who regret it, there will be people who do not.

Any human emotion you can think of in relation to any subject exists out there, and plenty you cant think of either. People are complex.

It seems far more bizarre to me that someone would refuse to believe, absolutely refuse to believe, while dismissing first hand accounts from posters that their own mothers regretted having children, that there exist people who regret having children.

Its not even an odd concept imo!

It wouldnt surprise me, with a dismissive attitude like that, that no one would ever ever admit to you personally that they regret having children.

Whereas besides my mother, some friends have admitted it to me OR its completely obvious by the bag of tired worn out frustration they have become and continued to be even after the kids flew the nest - it changed them, and not in a good way.

I also have some friends who never had kids who regret that too. As well as friends with kids who love it and without who love it.

Theres nowt as queer as folk as they say.

Violet Sun

Okay some there was some talk of parents with special needs eg autism.

So I'm just going to be blunt here. I am a parent of a child with special needs. Hearing deficit, intellectual deficit oh and yes to add to the fun, she's autistic.

Now to the original question. Do I regret becoming a parent? Excuse my poor English here folk. But quite simply, **** NO. I have gained more than I have ever thought I lost.

For example I have less free time, less sleep. Less money or would say use my money far more wisely. See my friends less than I used to. But guess what my friends have kids too so it's the same for them too. And our kids are growing up together so we use that as an excuse to catch up.

I may go out and drink less. Is that because of my kids. No because I'm not 16 anymore and my body definitely feels it more.

Now you want to know the benefits of having kids?

Okay here is something to ponder. If you can't see one good thing about being a parent, then don't be. That's your parogative & right.

Leave it at that. And if you think I'm just being nice about regretting being a parent of a special needs kid. Come meet my daughter. Spend 5 minutes with her and you were learn more in those 5 minutes than you have learnt in all that time you spent studying what ever it is that you studied.

Oh and we still travel overseas too. Been to Thailand, Hong Kong, USA, Bali, Australia, Israel, .... With our autistic child. Planning another trip with both our children next year, to Malaysia. So so much for behaving like old farts who no longer have fun...

Lady Chatterton

Being a parent has definitely been the most worthwhile and rewarding experience of my life so far. I love being a mother, it's an absolute privilege. The years fly by so quickly so I try not to take any day for granted. My only regret is that I didn't have more than one child but it wasn't to be.

John_Rambo

MrWalsh wrote: »

It seems far more bizarre to me that someone would refuse to believe, absolutely refuse to believe, while dismissing first hand accounts from posters that their own mothers regretted having children,

I got called out on this one, I admitted naivety, apologised and I thought we'd moved on. I'm genuinely sorry if you feel I trivialised things.

I can only hope that those comments by your ma have made you a stronger and more resilient person. I'm sorry for my blasé off the cuff attitude. I see from your posts, you're an animal lover, always a good thing in my view! I'm going to be more careful with my attitude and comments on afterhours from now on. It's a "fun, fee for all" forum, but obviously, I need to be a bit more sensitive when serious issues spring up from a silly thread.

FURET

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

It's often said of me, and I acknowledge it, that I over think things. With the apt comparison of deciding having children being like deciding whether to jump off a cliff, I think in this instance I am well justified in analysing things in fine detail. Better to over think than under think.

It's much better to over think the idea of children than underthink it. So much reproduction is totally mindless - people spit out two, three, four kids with no thought for the budgeting etc.

I was in a pretty similar situation to you. I also felt like I wanted to squeeze a lot into my early 30s before having children. I also wanted to be financially secure and worried about the cost. Luckily I married a rational, sensible woman who happens to be an accountant.

We decided to not try for a child until we had a minimum of 100K net worth and no debts. We have also decided to have just one child. We're both totally OK with that.

We maintain a careful budget anyway, and we have done a simulated budget so that we can accurately predict the likely costs for the first three years.

We also carefully considered the issue of childcare, nannies, etc. And we decided that rather than outsource the job of raising our child to a stranger, my wife will stop working for a few years. She will use the time to enjoy the experience of being a new mum and will also use the downtime to get a CPA.

Yes, we will lose her income during that period. But as an accountant, she could always do nixers on the side if she wanted to, to generate some extra income and keep her brain exercised. These kinds of things are important. For someone as conscientious as you, these things matter: Because If you choose the right partner (emotionally, physically, financially), many of your worries will prove to be ill-founded, or can at least be addressed ahead of time. In any case, I'm very well paid, so although we would miss my wife's income (which we basically have lived off up until now, while saving 100% of my income), we would still have plenty. That said, I recently decided to branch out in my career so as to increase my income and broaden my skills (and therefore increase my employability by 100%), as an extra layer of security for my family.

I think a lot of the worry and stress (though not all) that comes from parenting is finance-related. If you can secure and plan your finances before getting pregnant, you remove a big source of the stress. You sound like you're in a good profession - consolidate and plan everything. Lots of people will scoff at you for planning (and throw in stupid comments about living for the moment etc), but my life's a total peach compared to that of most others - and most of it is down to careful planning and strategizing for events that I know will probably happen, before they happen (like anticipating the birth of our child).

As for your own quest for adventure, I'd say a few things:

• Don't have a child before you're psychologically ready
• Don't be afraid to have just one or two children and leave it at that
• Grandparents will almost always be happy to take the young'un for two or three weeks while you and your wife go to Thailand or the Amazon or wherever.

cena

iF I had a child(s) I would hope to be happy having them. They bring so much joy.

meeeeh

FURET wrote: »

It's much better to over think the idea of children than underthink it. ...
As for your own quest for adventure, I'd say a few things:

• Don't have a child before you're psychologically ready
• Don't be afraid to have just one or two children and leave it at that
• Grandparents will almost always be happy to take the young'un for two or three weeks while you and your wife go to Thailand or the Amazon or wherever.

And then you have trouble conceiving because you waited too long or for whatever other reason. And a lot of the savings go for fertility treatment or adoption. Or there is another crash or whatever other unexpected event. Or your wife finds being at home with one child for a few years dull and she wants to go back to work and wants you stay at home...

It is sensible to plan, I agree 100%. But I think you overestimate importance of finances in the family situation. I am not suggesting families on the breadline aren't under enormous stress, but having kids can be incredibly stressful for many reasons which have nothing to do with money.

Also it is incredibly selfish to expect grandparents to mind your child for three weeks flat. Young child demands an awful lot of energy. Not to mention that it is incredibly hard for young children and as a parent you miss them too.

Reading your post you seem to be a bit richer but just as cluless about having your own child as any other future parent.

Neyite

I'm getting this vibe from some posters that having a family is something to more or less be endured until you get to go on a three week holiday to the other side of the world as a big reward for all your hard work and strife. Like its a job you cant stand, but do it to pay the rent and live for your annual leave. That kids are a box to tick on your life plan.

It's really not like that for most parents - to use the work analogy, it would be more comparable to working in a job you love, with a great buzz, where your boss really appreciates your input and hard work. Sure, you might groan when the Monday morning alarm goes off, but by the time you are up and in work, you are enjoying yourself as well as putting in your best efforts too.

In that kind of job, you might want to take off far flung for 3 weeks, but because you really care about your clients or the quality of the work you love doing, you are not just going to drag in anyone to hold the fort while you go - you'd be careful to ensure that your workload is in the very best hands while your gone. And when you get back, you are delighted to get stuck back in.

So yeah, its hard work with kids. But its massively rewarding and terrific fun too, if you want it to be which far outweighs any negatives, hopefully for most.

You can plan it to the hilt, but ultimately, babies and kids are very much their own people, and have a habit of not adhering to your plans. You could end up spending the guts of €50,000 getting fertility treatment, or have a baby with a big disability that changes the landscape of your future as a family drastically. You or your spouse could get sick or die, or split up, so really you have to be prepared to wing it a bit when you plan kids.

my teapot is orange

Can anybody seriously say they regret having kids here? If they do they will be attacked and criticized. There have been pages and pages about how rewarding having kids is. The closest we have come to the possibility that some people regret it is accounts of others who have regretted it. Same goes in the real world. It just could not be admitted if a person did regret it, so we will never hear that viewpoint even if it does exist, both out of a desire not to be criticized and, in real life, a desire not to hurt your own children.

mg1982

I dont regret not having kids because i feel you do need a good financial foundation for them as it is very costly raising a child. I also believe you need to be a fairly well adjusted person to be able to deal with stresses of raising a child and i dont believe i am that lol. My own mother was not a suitable person to have children yet she ended up having 6 of us. And we are still dealing with her bitterness and hatred to this day.

MrWalsh

The work analogy is interesting. How many people have a job that they really love? Most people I know either have jobs that are just alright, but they pay the bills or they have no real interest in their jobs at all. Maybe one or two people love their job (that I know of).

For me work is just drudgery, screwed by the government with ever increasing taxes, with too high costs of living forcing all of us to waste our lives endlessly driving to the workplace and being pleasant to those around us while we work work work until we reach retirement where many of us are so old that we don't even get to enjoy the free time then. Working for the man, it sucks.

Neyite

Me too. It's a means to an end. I envy those who are passionate about their jobs, and it literally is their dream job.

MrWalsh

Neyite wrote: »

Me too. It's a means to an end. I envy those who are passionate about their jobs, and it literally is their dream job.

I always thought that having kids would (should) be hard work, but a labour of love.

Like, if you ever had a sick family member or parent, you don't begrudge minding them or going to the hospital for them, with them, or making life better for them by cooking, cleaning etc... You love them, so it's grand.

So with kids, I presume, you love them, so all the rest of it is grand!

zeffabelli

Neyite wrote: »

I'm getting this vibe from some posters that having a family is something to more or less be endured until you get to go on a three week holiday to the other side of the world as a big reward for all your hard work and strife. Like its a job you cant stand, but do it to pay the rent and live for your annual leave. That kids are a box to tick on your life plan.

It's really not like that for most parents - to use the work analogy, it would be more comparable to working in a job you love, with a great buzz, where your boss really appreciates your input and hard work. Sure, you might groan when the Monday morning alarm goes off, but by the time you are up and in work, you are enjoying yourself as well as putting in your best efforts too.

In that kind of job, you might want to take off far flung for 3 weeks, but because you really care about your clients or the quality of the work you love doing, you are not just going to drag in anyone to hold the fort while you go - you'd be careful to ensure that your workload is in the very best hands while your gone. And when you get back, you are delighted to get stuck back in.

So yeah, its hard work with kids. But its massively rewarding and terrific fun too, if you want it to be which far outweighs any negatives, hopefully for most.

You can plan it to the hilt, but ultimately, babies and kids are very much their own people, and have a habit of not adhering to your plans. You could end up spending the guts of €50,000 getting fertility treatment, or have a baby with a big disability that changes the landscape of your future as a family drastically. You or your spouse could get sick or die, or split up, so really you have to be prepared to wing it a bit when you plan kids.

You want to make the gods laugh? Tell them your plans.

CathyMoran

Reading through some of these, sort of funny that I am only doing it now because I spend a lot less time on Boards because of my 4 and 5 year old. I do not regret them but they are not for everyone. I have wanted to be a parent all of my life but due to cancer in my early 30's and other medical conditions including my husband and I having 6 horrible miscarriages before we had our two I never dreamed we would have them. For me they are beyond my wildest dreams, I love them to bits and have a lot of fun, I just wish that I had more time with to spend with them.

The bad bits would be no holidays, but if you have had a bad day a hug from your children is priceless. They say the funniest things and it is lovely guiding someone to adulthood.

MadDog76

No, I'd love to have more ........... I do wish my mam and dad had stopped once they had me though.

Pocoyo

No i never regretted having kids the only people that could or even believe in the possibility are the childless or people with some form of personality disorder mild or severe.

I dont believe this is a result of social stigma as the PC brigade would have you believe but simply an inbuilt part of human life. If you do not possess the selfishness to rare kids and regret having them then there is something wrong with you that requires addressing.

Pocoyo

Pocoyo wrote: »

No i never regretted having kids the only people that could or even believe in the possibility are the childless or people with some form of personality disorder mild or severe.

I dont believe this is a result of social stigma as the PC brigade would have you believe but simply an inbuilt part of human life. If you do not possess the selfishness to rare kids and regret having them then there is something wrong with you that requires addressing.

I'm a little confused by your post. Are you saying that only those parents who regret having children are ones with a personality disorder?

Pocoyo

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm a little confused by your post. Are you saying that only those parents who regret having children are ones with a personality disorder?

I am of course the vast majority of parents will never feel like this,Something for those parents is obviously lacking,The natural mentality in this instance isnt learned etc,its nothing to brag about or be proud of its instinctive you are hardwired not to regret having children drug addiction and abuse or depression can lead parents astray but if a fully functioning member of society who had children but now genuinely regret that they existed would be disturbing and bizarre.

Pocoyo

Pocoyo wrote: »

I am of course the vast majority of parents will never feel like this,Something for those parents is obviously lacking,The natural mentality in this instance isnt learned etc,its nothing to brag about or be proud of its instinctive you are hardwired not to regret having children drug addiction and abuse or depression can lead parents astray but if a fully functioning member of society who had children but now genuinely regret that they existed would be disturbing and bizarre.

An interesting viewpoint. I'm not sure I agree about being "hardwired". It reminds me of the assumption that a woman will instantly love her child after giving birth. Humans are incredibly complex. I don't think it would be that unusual to regret having children. What is unusual is to admit to it.

Neverforgotten

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

The lovely woman :rolleyes: that I have as a mother repeatedly told me growing up that having my sibling and I ruined her life.

She told me that she regrets having us.

So, it definitely happens.

I get this, the woman who gave birth to me told me how I never was there for her and told me lately when I was going through a bad time last year, that her health was more important than mine. My own mother. I now class myself as an orphan as I don't have parents involved in my life.

Sunflower 27

NIMAN wrote: »

You are one sick parent to say honestly you wish you'd never had kids.

Why? How do you know what people's circumstances are? My mother raised four children on her own at a time when there were no benefits and my father routinely refused to pay the child support the court had directed him to pay.

She always put us before herself. If she ever told me she regretted having children, I'd 100% understand. It isn't like uttering the words her children are going to disappear.

In comparison, I have travelled the world, gone to university twice and live a full, happy life with only myself to worry about. I have a wonderful partner who, like me, is not interested in children.

We all have regrets and having children for some would be a legitimate regret. It is the one decision you make that is very difficult to change your mind about.

Neverforgotten

Pocoyo wrote: »

No i never regretted having kids the only people that could or even believe in the possibility are the childless or people with some form of personality disorder mild or severe.

I dont believe this is a result of social stigma as the PC brigade would have you believe but simply an inbuilt part of human life. If you do not possess the selfishness to rare kids and regret having them then there is something wrong with you that requires addressing.

Seriously!?!
I have a personality disorder and never regret having my kids.

I honestly think you can regret having children without having any issues

CathyMoran

I was an unwanted child myself - my daddy wanted me, my mother did not. I suffered years of extreme physical abuse at her hands - I was told by someone that it was only abuse if bones were broken but I certainly was. I was nervous that I could be a bad mother and have always been open about the abuse because no child should ever have to experience that but I am the softest parent in the world and not a bad mum. My children have and never will be hit.

Pocoyo

Deleted User wrote: »

An interesting viewpoint. I'm not sure I agree about being "hardwired". It reminds me of the assumption that a woman will instantly love her child after giving birth. Humans are incredibly complex. I don't think it would be that unusual to regret having children. What is unusual is to admit to it.

I believe there is a syndrome for women with that issue,Its usually temporary.

Spudman_20000

Anyone who regrets having their kids should visit Temple Street, see what some families have to go through, and then go get a grip of themselves.

Anyone that doesn't want to have kids, that's fine, but in my opinion you're going to go through your life without experiencing a lot of emotions, such as the unconditional love for your children.

steddyeddy

CathyMoran wrote: »

I was an unwanted child myself - my daddy wanted me, my mother did not. I suffered years of extreme physical abuse at her hands - I was told by someone that it was only abuse if bones were broken but I certainly was. I was nervous that I could be a bad mother and have always been open about the abuse because no child should ever have to experience that but I am the softest parent in the world and not a bad mum. My children have and never will be hit.

Fair play Cathy that's some battle you've fought. As one survivor to another very well done.

Pocoyo

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

Anyone who regrets having their kids should visit Temple Street, see what some families have to go through, and then go get a grip of themselves.

Anyone that doesn't want to have kids, that's fine, but in my opinion you're going to go through your life without experiencing a lot of emotions, such as the unconditional love for your children.

And the satisfactory peace and tranquility of having kids....inner peace of course knowing that they are there, thats one box in life ticked.

...Actually a quite friday night in with a chinese when the kids in bed is probably one of the most tranquil moments one can obtain in life.

meeeeh

Pocoyo wrote: »

And the satisfactory peace and tranquility of having kids....inner peace of course knowing that they are there, thats one box in life ticked.

...Actually a quite friday night in with a chinese when the kids in bed is probably one of the most tranquil moments one can obtain in life.

Except you have to suffer through slop because you can't go out for dinner.

eviltwin

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

Anyone who regrets having their kids should visit Temple Street, see what some families have to go through, and then go get a grip of themselves.

Anyone that doesn't want to have kids, that's fine, but in my opinion you're going to go through your life without experiencing a lot of emotions, such as the unconditional love for your children.

Unconditional love for one's children is a bit of a myth I think.

meeeeh

eviltwin wrote: »

Unconditional love for one's children is a bit of a myth I think.

I agree, there is no unconditional love, but for me kids add different dimension and different love than you feel for your partner for example.

eviltwin

meeeeh wrote: »

I agree, there is no unconditional love, but for me kids add different dimension and different love than you feel for your partner for example.

Yes I agree but unconditional it ain't

Spudman_20000

meeeeh wrote: »

I agree, there is no unconditional love, but for me kids add different dimension and different love than you feel for your partner for example.

What conditions do you place on the love of your children as a matter of interest?

Sunflower 27

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

Anyone who regrets having their kids should visit Temple Street, see what some families have to go through, and then go get a grip of themselves.

Anyone that doesn't want to have kids, that's fine, but in my opinion you're going to go through your life without experiencing a lot of emotions, such as the unconditional love for your children.

On the other hand, many childless couples have experienced the joy of eternal freedom. I have a wonderful circle of friends that mean the world to me and that I love as much as my immediate family.

Not everyone wants or needs unconditional love of a child. Assuming so is quite arrogant actually.

RentDayBlues

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

What conditions do you place on the love of your children as a matter of interest?

Should your children grow up to be murderers or people you dont like I would think the unconditional love part would change!

While they are babies it's a lot easier to love without condition, but as they grow to adults they become people in their own rights and may not be the people you expected

Sunflower 27

meeeeh wrote: »

I agree, there is no unconditional love, but for me kids add different dimension and different love than you feel for your partner for example.

But you are assuming everyone wants or should want this. It is clearly not true.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would honestly be devastated.

meeeeh

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

What conditions do you place on the love of your children as a matter of interest?

They have to eat their dinner...

SCOOP 64

RentDayBlues wrote: »

Should your children grow up to be murderers I would think the unconditional love part would change!

Wouldn't be too sure these days.

mynameis905

FortySeven wrote: »

Not one bit, only regret is the state of the world we are leaving for them.

The world is a better and safer place now than it has ever been. Living standards and life expectancy have steadily improved over the years. Western society is becoming more and more tolerant and blind faith in religion is finally on the decline after centuries of us believing in utter nonsense. All in all, the year 2015 is a better time to be alive than any point in the past.

meeeeh

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

But you are assuming everyone wants or should want this. It is clearly not true.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would honestly be devastated.

I'm assuming nothing. I am saying it's different love, I'm not saying everyone should experience it.

Btw even if something terrible happens to my kids I won't experience the freedom not having kids brings again. It just means my experience is different. Why is whenever love for a child is described as different someone has to be insulted or tell you that they are experiencing the same because they have a dog?

DEFTLEFTHAND

RentDayBlues wrote: »

Should your children grow up to be murderers or people you dont like I would think the unconditional love part would change!

While they are babies it's a lot easier to love without condition, but as they grow to adults they become people in their own rights and may not be the people you expected

You wouldn't know though, every situation is different. For eg Jeffery Dahmer's parents stood him by him when his horrible crimes were revealed to the world. The father especially who travelled long distance every month to visit him while he was incarcerated.

I'm sure they were appalled at what he did but they didn't stop loving him because of it. It's not a feeling you can easily switch off for your child.

Spudman_20000

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Not everyone wants or needs unconditional love of a child. Assuming so is quite arrogant actually.

This statement implies that you think the love wouldn't be mutual. To associate my post with arrogance is a bit silly really.

whatismyname

No regrets, just really want them when the time is right.

I do regret someone else having kids though if that counts - as in regretting my mother having me

Sunflower 27

meeeeh wrote: »

I'm assuming nothing. I am saying it's different love, I'm not saying everyone should experience it.

That wasn't clear to me. I read your post that those don't have children are missing out on this special and different love. My point is that many are very happy to miss out on it. In fact, they actively choose it.

Pocoyo

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

But you are assuming everyone wants or should want this. It is clearly not true.

If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I would honestly be devastated.

Aye but once the baby was born you'd be getting up at 4am for feeds and not giving a hoot,Its scary but when the time comes its easy its annoying and exhausting but you do it,When your own kid puts you out its not like being tormented/abused or woke up by a partner/stranger,You will just naturally cope with it and be happy that you are doing it.

Diamond Doll

Pocoyo wrote: »

Aye but once the baby was born you'd be getting up at 4am for feeds and not giving a hoot,Its scary but when the time comes its easy its annoying and exhausting but you do it,When your own kid puts you out its not like being tormented/abused or woke up by a partner/stranger,You will just naturally cope with it and be happy that you are doing it.

You are presuming she'd allow the pregnancy to continue. That's a very big presumption, especially where the (hypothetical) pregnancy would be unwanted.

Pocoyo

Diamond Doll wrote: »

You are presuming she'd allow the pregnancy to continue. That's a very big presumption, especially where the (hypothetical) pregnancy would be unwanted.

Hardly a big assumption considering the birth to termination ratio my friend. Anyway i was speaking hypothetically.

Sunflower 27

Spudman_20000 wrote: »

This statement implies that you think the love wouldn't be mutual. To associate my post with arrogance is a bit silly really.

That is not what I am implying at all. Mutual or not is irrelevant, some people simply don't need or want children and don't care about the 'unconditional' (highly dubious statement) love that supposedly comes with having children.

And it is arrogant to assume that we all want this love in our lives. I have numerous friends in their 40s, like myself, that do not want children and, like myself, take appropriate measure to make sure they never get pregnant.

Actually, whenever I hear people say 'you are missing out', I actually think underneath they are secretly jealous I know they aren't all thinking that, but it is how I hear it:p

Sunflower 27

Diamond Doll wrote: »

You are presuming she'd allow the pregnancy to continue. That's a very big presumption, especially where the (hypothetical) pregnancy would be unwanted.

The reason I said I would be devastated is that I personally would not be able to have an abortion. That is something I have known about myself for a long time.