Big life change

LegacyUser

As my user name says I am lost for words. Thanks for whoever will have the patience to read this. I am past 30 years old now and have been with somebody for over 10 years. Things have been great until few years ago when everything started falling apart. But either my being stubborn and resilient, either my fear of being alone, made me accept and put up with a lot of humiliation and mistreatment. My health started getting poor 5 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and my mother was dying of terminal cancer too, at the same time. I was back home then and my partner did not visit or help in any way.
When I moved back home, I had to return straight back to work, without even have a chance to mourn for her death. Why? Because my partner quit his job without telling me and I had to bend backwards to pay full rent and make ends meet. I trusted him with my bank card too and later I found out he was taking 600 euro every month for his own expenses. Fast forward to last year I was diagnosed with a second cancer and I had to go through an horrifying and invasive surgery to get rid of it which made me lose and question my identity as a woman. Himself couldnt cope and didnt help me at all (he was doing a minimum wage job at the moment) with me still having to pay for ALL expenses.
This year my first cancer of 5 years ago (after being in remission for 4 years) came back, I was diagnosed a week before my bday.
My partner got a new job with more money and he has broken up with me.
After years of promises that once he found a new job he would pay me back and treat me as i deserved, he has started splashing money on himself, going out with mates, not coming back home at all.
I have no close friends or at least I have friends that can give me at best the following answer' oh thats horrible, look on daft for a new place'
I am not expecting anything from anybody but I have not even been given the offer to crash on somebody's couch to get away from this abuser.
I am currently waiting to hear if my cancer spread and If i need chemo or surgery.
I am practically in tears every night as my ex will not leave this place and knowing my weaknesses and the fact that I cannot even move back home, gets off on abusing me and showing no sign of care or concern for next week (I get my MRI results)

I am currently looking on daft and will start seeing rooms next week but with this climate in the property market, it seems so difficult and I feel I have no strength to face all of this on my own, there is only that much one can take.

How can somebody turn so nasty and evil is beyond me. especially after everything I have done for him and put up with.

I wonder if I will ever find again somebody that will love me and accept my long term illness and my constant fight with cancer or if this is the end for me (relationship wise)

Sorry for the rant.
Appreciate you reading this.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis.
I really recommend you channel your energy into your recovery and emotional well being.
That is more important than the prospect of any future relationships.

Ask your GP/Oncologist to refer you to a social worker - they'll advise you on financial aid to help you through this difficult time.

I'd love to think you'd get some money back from the ex, but to be blunt, you could do with staying as far away from him as possible as he's not exactly been supportive before, and his leech like qualities aren't to be admired.

Contact www.cancer.ie for support, talk to your cancer support nurse/team and I hope all goes well for you.And by the way, you've just had bad luck with him and less than reliable friends- don't dwell on it, focus on today and tomorrow -the past is out of your control.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response.
I know I am not focusing on my well being at all. It's very hard to do that when you see nobody at your side, when you see that everything you thought you had vanished.
I am terrified about next week. I keep reliving the moment I was told that my cancer in remission was back. I was alone that day as my ex was at work and I told him not to leave work as i didnt want to cause him any issues. Not blaming him for that but he never even appreciated the fact that I looked out for him in a moment when all I would have wanted is just to have family beside me.
I am glad he is finally meeting new people and going out but I cannot stop thinking that perhaps in a moment like this he could have been more caring and respectful. he was out all night on friday, didnt come back at all. Spoke to him over the phone at 9 and he told me he would be home by 10. Never saw him.
I have a feeling I have been taken for a free ride and now he is dumping his burden, his inconvenience and he is starting to look around.

I am devastated, I dont have the strength to find a new place, move out, all on my own with zero practical support. and about getting money from him, that gave me a good laugh. No i wont get a cent off him, that's for sure. I got a cake for my birthday, I dont eat sweets and even that was thrown in my face as 'something nice he had done for me and I didnt appreciate'

Shadow1983

This is a really really horrible situation to be in, I hope you get some support and that everything goes well for you next week. X

mapaca

My heart goes out to you OP, I hope things are looking better this week. Helphelpyounow gives very good advice in their post. Is there any way you could get him to move out instead of you having to find a new place? Putting physical distance between you would be a good first step I think.

Daisy78

Op it's very clear that this man cares about one thing only. Himself. I'm sorry to say but from what you have written it looks to me like he has been leeching off you for years and now that things have come good again he wants rid of you and any debt he owes. Honestly it sounds like he has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. And considering the horrendous time you have been through, what with your mum passing away and now with your illnes, you would hope he would do everything thing he could to care and support you when you need it. He is a total ****bag to be honest. You would be beet tear off single for life than putting up with that.

As someone who was in your shoes a few years back (but without the serious illness) I can tell you that you absolutely can move on. It's not easy but in the long run you will be a million miles better off. Keep looking for accomodation, you may have to flat share for a while if needs be but this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. I made some great friends from sharing accomodation when I split up with my ex, I never would have met those people if I had stayed with him. Also make a commitment to be kind to yourself for the while, eat good food, take plenty of exercise, take a holiday, treat yourself when you can afford it. It will get you to a better place and will allow you to focus on one thing: you. I wouldn't bank on getting your money back but at least you can see very clearly now what type of man you were in a relationship with. A lucky escape.

daisybelle2008

OP, I know it might seem dismissive of your friends but there is not much more they can say. It is hard watching friends in bad relationships that persist for years. You stop believing they will leave. As it is he has broken up with you and while it is tough he is actually doing you a massive favour. Keep looking on daft if ye can't agree who should stay. There seems to be very little love on either side for so long. It is awful he didn't even visit you when you were living back home. That would be a deal breaker for most.
Fair play for acknowledging you may have only been with him cause you didn't want to be single, at least you are honest, but deep down both parties know they are being used and it is no foundation for love and respect. The stress of being so emotionally dependent on him is not good for your illness and he has proven he can't live up to your expectations.
Finding your own place and making new friends will be the best thing you ever do.

dellas1979

Jesus OP,

Well, I for one think youre some woman!

To carry all that load with you...

The good news for a lot of the things youve written about, you can change them. But you do need to leave him. You need to create new opportunites for yourself.

Will you meet someone ever again? Of course you can! But you wont be while you are with this idiot.

Id also advise some councelling to give you that support that you are currently missing.

You can do it OP! Right now, youve to pull it from the toes in your boots to deal with what you are going through. But set yourself up for good things. Again, you deserve this. Youre a very brave lady.

LegacyUser

thank you so much for all your responses.I appreciate all your support.I had a tough week juggling work,hosp appointments and the search for a new place. I am more and more confused and feel like I cant handle this situation alone. I have always been a fighter, always got back on my feet, but I am not sure why this time I feel like giving up.I have tried to ask for help (counselling) but I am still waiting for a call back from a counsellor in the area. This is so draining. I am tired all the time and the meds are having an impact on my mental health state (lack of sleep, anxiety, panic attacks) sure I would make an excellent housemate for anybody Jokes aside I am trying, I really am trying to keep going and keep positive but between me and youse, this is the hardest, most complicated thing I have ever had to face in my lifetime.
I am tired of hearing bad news, of being kicked in the face, of being poked at by doctors, of being given false hope, I am losing hope that my life will ever be ok. When this year started I was full of hope and last thing I expected was to get another cancer diagnosis.
thanks again all of you,

dellas1979

OP the best advice Ive ever gotton was to remove the emotion from the situation, and think practically. Like a list.

You need to set some practical goals and objectives, for example:

Goal 1: I want to find a new place.

Objective: I need to get away from this man

What do I need to support myself to make this goal?

- Move out

Enabled by:

- Setting aside an hour each day to go look/look up places.


Goal 2: I need more support

Objective: To help me deal with things that have happened me

What do I need to support myself to make this goal?

- Attend councelling

Enabled by:

- Ringing back/ensuring they know the gravity of my situation.

You can go on and on. I would also write them down, and read them everyday (most importantly, before bed - sub conscious mind will be working for you in the background )

You can do it OP!

PS: If you register a username, there is also a forum on boards for long term illness. People in that forum will be able to understand what you are going through re: diagnosis.

lovingirish

I am sorry to hear your story, be strong, he is a nasty man and selfish all along, you just did not recognize him. You'd better leave him alone, and be strong and get better. Women are tough, so stay strong, God be with you.