Am I being greedy?

Pride Before Ignorance

Hi all

I am a 27 year old male. I have lived a very comfortable life to date. I have a good job, like in a great city, have great friends, get along with my mother, have a great BF etc.

A golden opportunity has come up. A lesbian friend of mine (we have known eachother since we were kids, are almost husband and wife in a strange way lol) wants to have a child. She has agreed that we would both take care of the kid and we would live together.

My BF is cool with the idea, but it is ultimately my choice.

I am more than confident things would go smoothly with the mother. I am just a bit apprehensive as it would impact on my currently very comfortable lifestyle. It would tske away from the weekends away, the partying, the disposable income etc.

Am I being a tad bit greedy here?

somefeen

You don't sound greedy, you just sound like your not ready to have a child.

My advice; Dont do it.

WoolyJumper

No it doesn't sound greedy. Having a kid is a huge life changing event. It isn't something you should rush into. It would of course impact on your lifestyle, especially if you move in with the mother. If you are not ready for that big change then I'd say don't do it. The greedy thing to do would be to have the kid and try to maintain your current lifestyle.

On the other, some say having a kid changes you, maybe once it comes along you won;t mind giving up that lifestyle (though that is a big risk to take)

realdanbreen

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

Hi all

I am a 27 year old male. I have lived a very comfortable life to date. I have a good job, like in a great city, have great friends, get along with my mother, have a great BF etc.

A golden opportunity has come up. A lesbian friend of mine (we have known eachother since we were kids, are almost husband and wife in a strange way lol) wants to have a child. She has agreed that we would both take care of the kid and we would live together.

My BF is cool with the idea, but it is ultimately my choice.

I am more than confident things would go smoothly with the mother. I am just a bit apprehensive as it would impact on my currently very comfortable lifestyle. It would tske away from the weekends away, the partying, the disposable income etc.

Am I being a tad bit greedy here?

The fact that you feel your child would 'impact on your comfortable lifestyle and weekends away' says it all really. Unless your lesbian friend is at least twice as mature as you are,which I doubt seeing as she came up with the idea, then it might be best to park the idea. Actually no,don't park it,scrap the idea. If you haven't matured at 27 years of age then it aint ever going to happen.

WoolyJumper

realdanbreen wrote: »

The fact that you feel your child would 'impact on your comfortable lifestyle and weekends away' says it all really. Unless your lesbian friend is at least twice as mature as you are,which I doubt seeing as she came up with the idea, then it might be best to park the idea. Actually no,don't park it,scrap the idea. If you haven't matured at 27 years of age then it aint ever going to happen.

I don't think that's very fair. He doesn't have a child yet, he is considering how a potential child would impact on his life now and whether he is ready to make that sacrifice yet or not. That seems like the mature thing to do to me. I wish everyone would take that consideration before rushing in and having a child.

Annasopra

Do you want to have a child?

eviltwin

Don't have a child as a favour to someone else, worst idea ever.

One eyed Jack

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

Hi all

I am a 27 year old male. I have lived a very comfortable life to date. I have a good job, like in a great city, have great friends, get along with my mother, have a great BF etc.

A golden opportunity has come up. A lesbian friend of mine (we have known eachother since we were kids, are almost husband and wife in a strange way lol) wants to have a child. She has agreed that we would both take care of the kid and we would live together.

My BF is cool with the idea, but it is ultimately my choice.

I am more than confident things would go smoothly with the mother. I am just a bit apprehensive as it would impact on my currently very comfortable lifestyle. It would tske away from the weekends away, the partying, the disposable income etc.

Am I being a tad bit greedy here?

OP I don't think you're actually being greedy here at all. I do think though that both you, and your friend, are being ferociously immature and idealistic, and you're not giving much thought to where your current boyfriend fits in with a scenario where you and your friend are living together and raising a child together. Tbh the whole thing reeks of the daft sort of "if you and I haven't met anyone in 10 years time" notions.

That's not anything that sounds like a golden opportunity OP tbh, it simply sounds like something two friends came up with over a few drinks and it sounds all perfect in theory.

Orim

realdanbreen wrote: »

The fact that you feel your child would 'impact on your comfortable lifestyle and weekends away' says it all really.

You think it wouldn't?

Pride Before Ignorance

WoolyJumper wrote: »

On the other, some say having a kid changes you, maybe once it comes along you won;t mind giving up that lifestyle (though that is a big risk to take)

This is exactly what I am thinking. I see that with my brother. He told me that the year before he had our nephew he wouldn't have wanted it due to the impact on his lifestyle. Now, he told me his son is the best thing that ever happened to him.

realdanbreen wrote: »

If you haven't matured at 27 years of age then it aint ever going to happen.

I think such a tone in your post is far from civil and does not represent maturity.

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Do you want to have a child?

I would be giving it serious thought if I didn't. Do you have constructive advice you can offer me here?

One eyed Jack wrote: »

OP I don't think you're actually being greedy here at all. I do think though that both you, and your friend, are being ferociously immature and idealistic, and you're not giving much thought to where your current boyfriend fits in with a scenario where you and your friend are living together and raising a child together. Tbh the whole thing reeks of the daft sort of "if you and I haven't met anyone in 10 years time" notions.

That's not anything that sounds like a golden opportunity OP tbh, it simply sounds like something two friends came up with over a few drinks and it sounds all perfect in theory.

Thanks. Some solid advice there. I have had many long thoughts about this and there is always a flash of "is this just a daft idea?!"! :P

Thanks for your replies everyone. Much appreciated!

Annasopra

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

I would be giving it serious thought if I didn't. Do you have constructive advice you can offer me here?

I did but hey I dont think I'll bother now if you are just going to be rude

Vojera

I dunno, have you really thought about the practicalities of it? If you and your friend and your child all live together, where will your partner(s) live? Will your bf live with you too? If your friend has a girlfriend, will you be two couples sharing a home forever? That's a pretty unusual set up and I doubt too many people would be interested in it in the long term. Couples usually like their own space.

And what happens if either of you, or your partners, decide that such a living arrangement is no longer working out? Will your friend be interested in shared custody or will she expect to be the primary carer and let you have weekends or something?

It's an incredibly complicated situation, both emotionally and legally. It's definitely not something to undertake without significant consideration and discussion. And certainly not just as a favour.

Pride Before Ignorance

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I did but hey I dont think I'll bother now if you are just going to be rude

Apologies if I came across that way. It appeared to me that you were asking a question which was obvious from my first post but perhaps there was a miscommunication.

Thanks for your input, I would appreciate anything further.

The YOPPA

What jumps out at me from your post is that you describe this situation as "A Golden Opportunity". It sounds like you want this to happen, as does your bf & your lesbian friend. I don't think you're being "a tad greedy", I think you're being a tad realistic.

floggg

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

Hi all

I am a 27 year old male. I have lived a very comfortable life to date. I have a good job, like in a great city, have great friends, get along with my mother, have a great BF etc.

A golden opportunity has come up. A lesbian friend of mine (we have known eachother since we were kids, are almost husband and wife in a strange way lol) wants to have a child. She has agreed that we would both take care of the kid and we would live together.

My BF is cool with the idea, but it is ultimately my choice.

I am more than confident things would go smoothly with the mother. I am just a bit apprehensive as it would impact on my currently very comfortable lifestyle. It would tske away from the weekends away, the partying, the disposable income etc.

Am I being a tad bit greedy here?

Why? What is greedy about living the life that you want?

Also - it's not like she is selfless in her desire for a child. The world has more than enough children as it is. She wants to do so as she feels it well enhance her life.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it is just as "greedy" as a decision not to have kids - indeed, if anything its more.

So do what you feel is right. BUT - don't bring a child into this world unless you truly want the child, and are willing to put that child No. 1 in your life for the rest of your life. That would be unfair to the child.

So if you agree to it, do it for the right reasons and not out of any misplaced sense of duty to your friend.

Pride Before Ignorance

A massive thank you to each and everyone who replied.

I hope I haven't come across as rude as a poster suggested, I am asking for different viewpoints so I can make a balanced decision and thank you to everyone who gave their input again.

I was discussing this with my bro last night and he asked a lot of similar questions as already asked here. I discussed this with the potential mother also and my great BF.

A few things we have decided on;

-We won't rush in to this. The potential mother has a good 10 years left in her child bearing potential :P
-We are considering the legalities (we are both living in the UK) and have agreed to seek legal advice.
-The mother and I had a long debate about this point-but I think she won! We have decided that it would be good for the child to have a mother and father as opposed to two mothers or two fathers. This is so the child can be raised with inputs from both sides. I dn't think it is the "be all and end all" for parenting, I know plenty of guys and gals who were raised by a single parent and they turned out just fine. But I guess if possible it would be nice to have input from both genders (please don't all lynch me at once for this statement people).
-I had a long (and sometimes intimate :P ) discussion with my BF. He supports the idea 100%. He is not being left out of this as someone suggested earlier, I made extra sure to include him in absolutely everything.

I think it's fair to say we are giving this a lot more thought than some people do when having unprotected one night stands!!!! :P :P :P

Keyzer

realdanbreen wrote: »

The fact that you feel your child would 'impact on your comfortable lifestyle and weekends away' says it all really. Unless your lesbian friend is at least twice as mature as you are,which I doubt seeing as she came up with the idea, then it might be best to park the idea. Actually no,don't park it,scrap the idea. If you haven't matured at 27 years of age then it aint ever going to happen.

What an idiotic response.

I have a 3 year old son and I'm 37. I wasn't ready to have a child when I was 27, simple as that.

One eyed Jack

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

A massive thank you to each and everyone who replied.

I hope I haven't come across as rude as a poster suggested, I am asking for different viewpoints so I can make a balanced decision and thank you to everyone who gave their input again.

I don't think you come across as rude PBI, but I think a decision to bring another life into the world isn't something you should be doing based on the opinions of people on the internet. Sure, people can offer you advice and perspectives and so on, but it sounds like you're still attracted to all the ideal stuff and none of the practical (ok, you've given the practical some thought, but I'll expand on that in a minute).

I was discussing this with my bro last night and he asked a lot of similar questions as already asked here. I discussed this with the potential mother also and my great BF.

That your brother just wants to see you happy should come as no surprise. But speaking of parenting, I couldn't help but notice you mentioned previously that your parents aren't aware or your father isn't aware that you are gay? Have you given any thought to how news of you becoming a parent yourself would affect him or them? Good relationships with the gramdparents on both sides makes for a better support network for the child (or children, if you have twins!).

A few things we have decided on;

-We won't rush in to this. The potential mother has a good 10 years left in her child bearing potential :P

That puts this woman about the same age as you then. Like I said, one of those "10 years time" ideas that you mull over and then move on. A lot can happen in ten years and both your circumstances won't be the same as they are now. There's no point in even thinking about ten years from now using your circumstances today as a starting point when thinking about having children. Children themselves don't stay children forever obviously and how much thought have you given to the future you and this woman (and your boyfriend) can provide for this person?

-We are considering the legalities (we are both living in the UK) and have agreed to seek legal advice.
-The mother and I had a long debate about this point-but I think she won! We have decided that it would be good for the child to have a mother and father as opposed to two mothers or two fathers. This is so the child can be raised with inputs from both sides. I dn't think it is the "be all and end all" for parenting, I know plenty of guys and gals who were raised by a single parent and they turned out just fine. But I guess if possible it would be nice to have input from both genders (please don't all lynch me at once for this statement people).

Not gonna lynch you for this one, I understand where you're coming from, but one thing I would suggest you and your friend think about is that more important than gender of their parents is that children are surrounded by good people. How does your boyfriend fit into that scenario? Is he going to play the role of the unrelated uncle?

I'm aware alright of a couple of families where the couple live with their relatives, and it works out well, but I've also heard of families where the parents of the child are living under the same roof, but the parents are in other relationships outside the family home. Ehh, that hasn't ever gone well to my knowledge. I'd be interested in hearing how you managed to square that scenario with your boyfriend? Will he also be living with the two of you or will he be living somewhere else?

The more I think about this scenario you're proposing, the more I'm beginning to wonder what sort of dynamics are in play already that your boyfriend is perfectly fine with you having a child with someone else and living with them for the foreseeable future (next 16 years anyway at least).

-I had a long (and sometimes intimate :P ) discussion with my BF. He supports the idea 100%. He is not being left out of this as someone suggested earlier, I made extra sure to include him in absolutely everything.

I didn't suggest he was being left out, I asked how was he being included? And then if he is included in some sort of a parenting role, doesn't that upset the gender balance you and your friend are aiming for? Does this mean that your boyfriend would be excluded from any decision making process with regard to your domestic arrangements with your friend? Does this arrangement suit your friend because she doesn't want to get into another relationship?

You need to think about this a lot more than you're doing already tbh.

I think it's fair to say we are giving this a lot more thought than some people do when having unprotected one night stands!!!! :P :P :P

Some people are thoughtless. Claiming you're not as thoughtless as some people, really isn't the boast you think it is.

CramCycle

realdanbreen wrote: »

If you haven't matured at 27 years of age then it aint ever going to happen.

I wasn't mature when I had my first, certainly not mature after the second. 27 years is far to young to be mature.

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

This is exactly what I am thinking. I see that with my brother. He told me that the year before he had our nephew he wouldn't have wanted it due to the impact on his lifestyle. Now, he told me his son is the best thing that ever happened to him

It is, I had no intention of kids, now I have two, wouldn't change a thing about the choices that led to such wonderful people.

It sounds like you don't really want a child just yet, and with this in mind, I wouldn't go looking for it just yet.

If you father your friends child it will probably work out, but it will change your life, there will be alot less of the comfy life style, there will be alot of sleepless nights and not from fun times.

How does your BF feel about this? Does he want to be a father or step father or stand in that role? He will either have to help out or get used to seeing you alot less in 9 months time. I know friends who have done similar and it has worked out but the truth is if you are unsure about it now, then it's too soon.

jobbridge4life

I don't think one is under an obligation to reproduce and certainly not at 27 so I don't think it is an issue of being 'greedy'. You are fortunate that this baby is not going to be unplanned and for that reason you can be sure that it only happens in the best of circumstances and when you are ready which honestly you don't seem particularly so at the moment.

Diamond Doll

If you're going to seriously consider this, I reckon the first thing to do is for all of you to move in together for at least a year. You say you and your friend are childhood friends; what about her relationship with your partner? You don't really know someone until you've lived with them, I reckon you should give it a go of the three of you living together (or four? I don't think you mentioned whether she has a partner?) before you bring a demanding baby into the equation.

Get the legalities absolutely watertight before starting anything. There is a significant chance of all of this ending in a very messy custody battle if all doesn't go to plan over the years. What if, in a few years, she meets a partner who wants her and the child to live with her, but who isn't interested in a houseshare with the child's father(s)? What if you and your partner break up but he feels he's in a fatherly role and wants access to her? What if your partner dies, who gets custody then? (It would not automatically be you, the child's father, unless you've married her.) Just a couple of possible scenarios.

Have you considered how you'll actually do it, i.e. will it be some form of artificial insemination, or would you be having sex with her? If your partner feels OK about that in theory, it might not seem so OK when the time comes. Also, you've described your relationship with her as that of husband and wife - I get the impression that it's more like brother and sister - will it not be extremely weird having sex with her? And it's not likely to be a once-off thing - one in four couples have trouble conceiving, chances are you'd have to do it multiple times (and even at that, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage.) Whether you choose to do some form of artificial insemination, or the "traditional" way, bear in mind that even getting her pregnant might take months. It's not just a case of a one-night wham bam and she's knocked up. This is something that all parties involved need to be psychologically prepared for.

For what it's worth I think it's a terrible idea, rather than a golden opportunity. You may be close to her, but your partner is your family, the person you'll hopefully live with for the rest of your days. If you're going to have children, it should be with him (by whatever means are practical.) If she's going to have children, she should look into ways to either do it alone or with her own partner. It seems unfair to bring a child into such a complicated mess.

You're not being greedy - if anything, it's quite unselfish of you to even consider this - but I think all of you are being far too idealistic about how it will all work out.

realdanbreen

Keyzer wrote: »

What an idiotic response.

I have a 3 year old son and I'm 37. I wasn't ready to have a child when I was 27, simple as that.

So you think this 27 year old who is for all intents and purposes going 'eeneey meeney miney mo'about whether or not he will have a child with a woman while still in a relationship with another bloke and is bothered about the fact that it might affect his 'weekends away' is mature?

eviltwin

realdanbreen wrote: »

So you think this 27 year old who is for all intents and purposes going 'eeneey meeney miney mo'about whether or not he will have a child with a woman while still in a relationship with another bloke and is bothered about the fact that it might affect his 'weekends away' is mature?

I think thinking about it is a sign of maturity. You have to make sacrifices when you have a child, not everyone is prepared to make them. At least the OP is looking at his life and the impact of a child on it.

realdanbreen

eviltwin wrote: »

I think thinking about it is a sign of maturity. You have to make sacrifices when you have a child, not everyone is prepared to make them. At least the OP is looking at his life and the impact of a child on it.

That's my point, he is looking at 'the impact of a child 'on his lifestyle, weekends away etc. What about the lifestyle of the child? He is in a relationship with a bloke so he won't be around for the child-certainly not at weekends anyway!

jobbridge4life

PbI, I've noticed in another thread that you aren't out to your Father. I have to say that would be a major indicator that you are not ready for to bring this baby into the world at this time. You are talking about becoming a father with a lesbian, how do you propose to explain that to your own Father if he doesn't even know your sexuality yet? I agree with this little piggy I think you're vision of how this will work out is far too benign and honestly I don't get the feeling you have properly thought about this.

ongarboy

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

A massive thank you to each and everyone who replied.

I hope I haven't come across as rude as a poster suggested, I am asking for different viewpoints so I can make a balanced decision and thank you to everyone who gave their input again.

I was discussing this with my bro last night and he asked a lot of similar questions as already asked here. I discussed this with the potential mother also and my great BF.

A few things we have decided on;

-We won't rush in to this. The potential mother has a good 10 years left in her child bearing potential :P
-We are considering the legalities (we are both living in the UK) and have agreed to seek legal advice.
-The mother and I had a long debate about this point-but I think she won! We have decided that it would be good for the child to have a mother and father as opposed to two mothers or two fathers. This is so the child can be raised with inputs from both sides. I dn't think it is the "be all and end all" for parenting, I know plenty of guys and gals who were raised by a single parent and they turned out just fine. But I guess if possible it would be nice to have input from both genders (please don't all lynch me at once for this statement people).
-I had a long (and sometimes intimate :P ) discussion with my BF. He supports the idea 100%. He is not being left out of this as someone suggested earlier, I made extra sure to include him in absolutely everything.

I think it's fair to say we are giving this a lot more thought than some people do when having unprotected one night stands!!!! :P :P :P

Nowhere have I read in this post and in your opening post any shred of evidence that you want or yearn for a child or to be a father. You said in your op that your lesbian friend wants a child rather than you wanting a child. Are you just facilitating her request or performing some sort of social obligation to her and her child because you feel all children should grow up with a male and female parent?

Asking whether you might be greedy is confusing me. Are you asking whether you are greedy if you say yes or greedy if you say no? Why would your boyfriend have no problem with you moving in and spending the rest of your adult life living with someone else (even if it was a platonic relationship). That seems like a rather odd scenario that your partner would be happy for you to spend the rest of your life living with someone else. Is the expectation that when the child turns 18 you would leave move out or would you and your lesbian friend also spend your twilight years together for when your adult child comes home for visits?

If your lesbian friend falls in love with another woman and decides sometime in the future that she would rather rear her child with her female partner fulfilling the second primary parenting role, are you happy to bow out or take a backseat or will all three or maybe four ( if your boyfriend is on board) of you move in together so that your arrangement is maintained? I'm confused as to your statement that your boyfriend will be included in "everything". Everything relating to what? He has no say in the upbringing of the child so he is not entitled to be consulted or give approval on anything relating to the child. I have a million more red flags that I could advise here but it would take too long. The only sensible thing you've said is about seeking legal advice. Maybe that will change your tune.

I'm sorry OP but you and your lesbian friend come across very naive. Greed is a red herring here. Your thread title should read "Have I thought this through properly?".

Annasopra

I agree with everything Ongarboy said

You don't actually come across that you really want to have a child. That was why I asked if you wanted one. You stated that it was obvious you do. Its not obvious - not at all. In fact it seems to me the opposite. It seems like you don't want a child. It seems like you want to help your friend and the child is an inconvenience and afterthought.

Pride Before Ignorance

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I agree with everything Ongarboy said

You don't actually come across that you really want to have a child. That was why I asked if you wanted one. You stated that it was obvious you do. Its not obvious - not at all. In fact it seems to me the opposite. It seems like you don't want a child. It seems like you want to help your friend and the child is an inconvenience and afterthought.

You are wrong there Joey. I have a beautiful nephew who I adore, he makes me so so happy. I spend a lot of my time back in Ireland minding him and two weekends ago he was with me in London, we went to the zoo and legoland. I minded him for the whole weekend. I was hard work I must say! I am not taking this whole thing lightly. Your assumptions are completely wrong. I would certainly like to have mine some day, perhaps not now as I am not sure if I am ready (hence the purpose of this thread). But it is clear from your posts in this thread and others that your posts tend to be at loggerheads with my opinions. To each their own.

Pride Before Ignorance

ongarboy wrote: »

Nowhere have I read in this post and in your opening post any shred of evidence that you want or yearn for a child or to be a father. You said in your op that your lesbian friend wants a child rather than you wanting a child. Are you just facilitating her request or performing some sort of social obligation to her and her child because you feel all children should grow up with a male and female parent?

Asking whether you might be greedy is confusing me. Are you asking whether you are greedy if you say yes or greedy if you say no? Why would your boyfriend have no problem with you moving in and spending the rest of your adult life living with someone else (even if it was a platonic relationship). That seems like a rather odd scenario that your partner would be happy for you to spend the rest of your life living with someone else. Is the expectation that when the child turns 18 you would leave move out or would you and your lesbian friend also spend your twilight years together for when your adult child comes home for visits?

If your lesbian friend falls in love with another woman and decides sometime in the future that she would rather rear her child with her female partner fulfilling the second primary parenting role, are you happy to bow out or take a backseat or will all three or maybe four ( if your boyfriend is on board) of you move in together so that your arrangement is maintained? I'm confused as to your statement that your boyfriend will be included in "everything". Everything relating to what? He has no say in the upbringing of the child so he is not entitled to be consulted or give approval on anything relating to the child. I have a million more red flags that I could advise here but it would take too long. The only sensible thing you've said is about seeking legal advice. Maybe that will change your tune.

I'm sorry OP but you and your lesbian friend come across very naive. Greed is a red herring here. Your thread title should read "Have I thought this through properly?".

Thank you for taking so much time to give a very detailed and well reasoned post ongarboy.

I want a child. I can't say I yearn for it. But I have rarely (if ever) heard anther male say they yearn to have a child. It is usually after the child is born that their whole perception of children changes. Just my two cents.

I am asking if it is greedy putting my comfortable current life before a child. I want a child, but I also enjoy my current lifestyle. I was asking if it is greedy to put such a "material" thing first. That's all.

You are right, there is a possibility things will turn sour with the mother. As I said, I am continuing to give this serious thought.

Thanks again for your advice.

realdanbreen wrote: »

That's my point, he is looking at 'the impact of a child 'on his lifestyle, weekends away etc. What about the lifestyle of the child? He is in a relationship with a bloke so he won't be around for the child-certainly not at weekends anyway!

If I have the child the partying will stop. My BF has agreed that this will happen.

ninty9er

The below is a personal opinion - feel free to take it or leave it, or pull parts from it.

From reading what you've written initially and in reply to others it seems having a child or children is in your life plan.

You have a partner you describe as great, and this is where I'm struggling a bit like Ongarboy. He is the person that all things being well you hope to spend the rest of your life with.
You've made the point that you see the benefits of mother and father for a child, that could be the case, however it is not the mother and father element that nurtures a well rounded child; it is the extended family that you describe above, irrespective of single parent, 2 mothers, 2 fathers, no parents. If you want to have kids, you and your partner are a family, have them with your partner.

If you want to help your friend the best thing you could do is support her to have a baby, and support her when the baby arrives, but to be the kid's father is just a complication that despite the best of intentions could actually cause more heartache down the line for your family, her family, your partner's family and most crucially the child.

And no - you're not being at all greedy

realdanbreen

From a practical point of view do you not foresee some teething problems so to speak.
You are not sexually attracted to women. The prospective mother is not attracted to men. You are probably going to need to have sex 15 to 20 times before she conceives. How do you propose to tackle this little conundrum?

CramCycle

realdanbreen wrote: »

From a practical point of view do you not foresee some teething problems so to speak.
You are not sexually attracted to women. The prospective mother is not attracted to men. You are probably going to need to have sex 15 to 20 times before she conceives. How do you propose to tackle this little conundrum?

While experience has taught me that once is enough there are plenty of ways that the mother could impregnate herself with the OPs sperm without intercourse.

At the OP, while you are saying you do want kids your opening post does not read like that at all, you should re read it and you might understand where other posters are taking their view from.

wakka12

Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one? I don't understand really it just sounds like a very strange set up

Annasopra

wakka12 wrote: »

Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one?

I dont think thats a simple process to be fair

Keyzer

realdanbreen wrote: »

So you think this 27 year old who is for all intents and purposes going 'eeneey meeney miney mo'about whether or not he will have a child with a woman while still in a relationship with another bloke and is bothered about the fact that it might affect his 'weekends away' is mature?

You missed my point - because he's not "mature" enough at 27 in your eyes he never will be. How can you make a sweeping statement like that? How do you know in a year (or 3 or 10) he might reach the level of maturity which you deem acceptable.

Pride Before Ignorance

wakka12 wrote: »

Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one? I don't understand really it just sounds like a very strange set up

I've been trying hard with him but he never seems to get pregnant

All jokes aside, the potential mother and I discussed this at length and we would prefer to have a mother and father (don't lynch me here people, I initially disagreed with the mothers stance but after a long discussion I have come to see and accept her point of view). We just think it gives a more balanced parenting.

My BF will be involved by the way. If we stay together I can see him becoming a second father figure or an uncle type.

jobbridge4life

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

I've been trying hard with him but he never seems to get pregnant

All jokes aside, the potential mother and I discussed this at length and we would prefer to have a mother and father (don't lynch me here people, I initially disagreed with the mothers stance but after a long discussion I have come to see and accept her point of view). We just think it gives a more balanced parenting.

My BF will be involved by the way. If we stay together I can see him becoming a second father figure or an uncle type.

Not lynching you but you are wrong. The huge majority of evidence indicates that it makes zero difference to child outcomes.

And what if your BF decides later that he really wants a child? What if the Mother finds a partner who wants to be fully involved with the child as an equal parenting partner?

What are you going to say to your Father? Or are going to father a child with a lesbian and keep him out of the childs life?

The more I read the less thought out, and less realistic you are coming across.

partyguinness

realdanbreen wrote: »

From a practical point of view do you not foresee some teething problems so to speak.
You are not sexually attracted to women. The prospective mother is not attracted to men. You are probably going to need to have sex 15 to 20 times before she conceives. How do you propose to tackle this little conundrum?

Turkey baster all the the way... That's what a lesbian couple I know did.

OP, you are 27. Enjoy yourself and your 20s. there is plenty of time. see how you feel in another 10 years. Don't force the issue- if you have doubts dont do it.

I am 37 and have a child (ok a heterosexual marriage) believe me you have plenty of time and yes a child will change absolutely everything. You have no idea how much so until you are in the situation- a child is not a commodity or a pet- it really is for life.

nozipcode

If you need to come to Boards.ie to ask this question then I would say that you are not ready.

It comes across as if you didnt even consider having a kid until your friend proposed the idea. Based on that alone, I say, DONT DO IT.

wakka12

Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »

I've been trying hard with him but he never seems to get pregnant

All jokes aside, the potential mother and I discussed this at length and we would prefer to have a mother and father (don't lynch me here people, I initially disagreed with the mothers stance but after a long discussion I have come to see and accept her point of view). We just think it gives a more balanced parenting.

My BF will be involved by the way. If we stay together I can see him becoming a second father figure or an uncle type.

Hmm I get where you're coming from! Still seems funny to me, Im sure she''ll end up in a relationship with a woman at some stage wont she? It'll be 2 gay couples raising one kid , twice as much loving I suppose! Go for it if its really what you want

Although I do feel like you're quite young now and in say 10 years you'll come to realise that raising a child with a lesbian friend isn't really your ideal family and you would have preferred to have just started a family with your boyfriend.

Annasopra

wakka12 wrote: »

Hmm I get where you're coming from! Still seems funny to me, Im sure she''ll end up in a relationship with a woman at some stage wont she? It'll be 2 gay couples raising one kid , twice as much loving I suppose! Go for it if its really what you want

Although I do feel like you're quite young now and in say 10 years you'll come to realise that raising a child with a lesbian friend isn't really your ideal family and you would have preferred to have just started a family with your boyfriend.

I think this is a bit much tbh - telling the op what you think that he might think in 10 years? And stating it as fact that it is what he will think?

wakka12

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I think this is a bit much tbh - telling the op what you think that he might think in 10 years? And stating it as fact that it is what he will think?

I think it might sound nice when you're young but it doesn't sound practical as you get older. If it were a good arrangement wouldn't there be more lesbian gay cohabitating couples raising children together

Annasopra

wakka12 wrote: »

I think it might sound nice when you're young but it doesn't sound practical as you get older. If it were a good arrangement wouldn't there be more lesbian gay cohabitating couples raising children together

Oh look it might work out, it might not. Who knows? But we dont know for certain that the op will definitely regret it in 10 years time!

realdanbreen

Keyzer wrote: »

You missed my point - because he's not "mature" enough at 27 in your eyes he never will be. How can you make a sweeping statement like that? How do you know in a year (or 3 or 10) he might reach the level of maturity which you deem acceptable.

This kind of stuff p1$$es me off big time. It reminds me of those guys who at 27 or 28 still haven't decided what they want to be when they 'grow up'. IMO anyone still living at home being mollycoddled by mum at 27 or still going to school at the same age(usually studying some makeyup course like media studies, social awareness etc) is immature/lazy/insecure/spoiled, take your pick.

somefeen

realdanbreen wrote: »

This kind of stuff p1$$es me off big time. It reminds me of those guys who at 27 or 28 still haven't decided what they want to be when they 'grow up'. IMO anyone still living at home being mollycoddled by mum at 27 or still going to school at the same age(usually studying some makeyup course like media studies, social awareness etc) is immature/lazy/insecure/spoiled, take your pick.

So much angst....

Plek Trum

A lot of issues to go through a bit further here OP - To start, its great that you are thinking of this, discussing and exploring all avenues with everyone concerned and trying to figure it all out. Good place to start rather than jumping straight in so well done on that!

As a mother to a 7 month old (lesbian couple in our 30's) I think you should look at the practical side of things and the proposed living arrangements would be a little concern to me. A baby changes your life completely, I heard this so many times from everyone (I have 4 god children, nephew, close to friends children and used to just accept this ) However once our own baby arrived, we were knocked for six for the initial few months.

You live in London - can you afford a 3 bedroom house? You and your b/f, your friend and her potential future partner, plus a room for baby? Where will baby stay for the first few months, your room - hers? Parenthood releases a huge amount of new emotions you may not have been expecting, it can be over whelming, over bearing at times, you may grieve for your past life . I am NOT saying this to be negative at all, but this is the reality of it for so many (and often the side that people do not share or talk about until AFTER baby has arrived!) Who will get up during the night, who will take parental leave?

What happens if you just want snuggle time with your boyfriend and the baby but your friend has taken baby out with her OR visa versa. Are you willing to be up early EVERY saturday and sunday morning, regardless of the week at work you have had? Are you willing to stay in at weekends regardless of whats on and who is around? Will you and your friend work this honestly between you and can you be sure resentment or frustrations wont arise?

As someone in a committed relationship for over 13 years, its amazing how a baby can induce pressure on a realtionship at the start. Its hard work, BUT SO WORTH IT so please don't think this is a negative post. Its just the practicalities of having a baby can be hard, especially in the early few months. What if you are sick, your friend cannot get time off, who is going to mind the child?

There is a whole lot more to having a baby than just cot, nappies and toys. I'm not being condescending and apologies if it appears that way - you are a bright young man who is obviously exploring this thoroughly. Take your time and think about life after the baby is here. I could see how a baby and 3 (potentially 4) adults could possibly cause friction and tension.

Having a baby in the house takes priority above absolutely everything else. What if you and your boyfriend are tired after a week, baby is sick and your friend has people around to visit?

You are young and, as a male, you have time to think this through (no clock ticking as such!) Would you like to start your family in this shared home environment or would you rather have your family in a house with just you and your partner in time? There's no rush and I wish you all the luck in the world. Having our wee bundle is without doubt the most wonderful, beautiful and amazing thing we have ever done and we are so blessed. It was a big BIG adjustment though, even after a few years of IVF we thought we were ready and boy, did it take time Best of luck to you on whatever path you choose, I dont think anyone regrets ever becoming parent, but just think about how you best see this for you longterm.

A Primal Nut

wakka12 wrote: »

Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one?

Not biologically possible.

jobbridge4life wrote: »

And what if your BF decides later that he really wants a child?

Nothing stopping him from having a child later. Even if they have a child together only one can be the biological father. So if they both want to be a biological father they will need to have two children anyway.

wakka12

A Primal Nut wrote: »

Not biologically possible.



Nothing stopping him from having a child later. Even if they have a child together only one can be the biological father. So if they both want to be a biological father they will need to have two children anyway.

Wow serious?
You can adopt or have a surrogate child

realdanbreen

Plek Trum wrote: »

". What if you and your boyfriend are tired after a week, baby is sick and your friend has people around to visit?

Anyone who sees the above as being a problem should probably never have children.

Annasopra

wakka12 wrote: »

Wow serious?
You can adopt or have a surrogate child

Again it really isnt that simple. Both of those processes are not something you can do simply or quickly.

Annasopra

realdanbreen wrote: »

Anyone who sees the above as being a problem should probably never have children.

Oh look there was a huge context to that post. There really is no point in being so judgemental over a tiny part of it.