Complicated Break - Up

LegacyUser

I know, another break up thread!

I posted here about myself and my gf before. She has for quite a while struggled with mental health problems, and self - harming. This was present before we got together also.

Anyway, this was compounded by her getting an abortion, and I know that was difficult for the both of us, but it was a decision we made over a year ago together, and things got better again.

However in the last three months she started to develop anorexia, and nothing I could do or say could make her see what she was doing to herself. She was just eating soup for days on end, and despite losing over two stone (she was tiny already) she persisted. I found seeing her like this really upsetting, and was making such an effort to keep her happy. Bringing her out on dates, making sure we did things together etc. Offering to have meals together.

Anyway, about 10 days ago, I let it all out to her how tough I was finding it. I was blunt in saying that it was not fair on me or her family that care about her. Needless to say this was not well received, nor tactful on my part, but I was so drained by it all.

We talked and made up, and I was away for work the next day and a bit. I came home to all her belongings moved out and that I was a dickhead for saying what I did. Just like that I have been through so much with, just cut it off. I did not handle it well, and told her that if that is what she wanted I wouldn't pursue her.

This isn't my first rodeo, and I try not to wallow in self pity, but I live abroad, and don't have anyone I can talk with really. I just really miss her, and feel like I let her down.

Confucius say

Well, she sounds like a total mare. When a girl with all these issues has dumped you she's doing you favour. Bullet dodged. Move on with your life and enjoy not having her stressing you out any more. Good luck!

PinkLemonade

Really sorry to hear OP, it's a terrible thing anorexia and it tears families and relationships apart. I've no advice for you other than try not be angry at her and don't blame yourself either

ColeTrain

I couldn't agree more the other poster, she has a lot of issues and you done your best to support her. I don't think what you said to her was bad at all.

Hopefully her family can help her now.

Matteroffact

You didn't let her down. She has serious issues and needs professional help. You are not equipped to help her and would not be blamed for losing your rag. Maybe this will bring her to her eyesight and bring her to the point of seeking the help she needs. My guess is that she will now start to think about how she can straighten herself out and when she does she will be back to you. Give her the space to do this as things will not improve until she gets the help she needs.

Confucius say

Matteroffact wrote: »

You didn't let her down. She has serious issues and needs professional help. You are not equipped to help her and would not be blamed for losing your rag. Maybe this will bring her to her eyesight and bring her to the point of seeking the help she needs. My guess is that she will now start to think about how she can straighten herself out and when she does she will be back to you. Give her the space to do this as things will not improve until she gets the help she needs.

He didnt lose his rag, I can't see what he done wrong or why he is apologising to her...
Mate just walk and count your blessings. There are millions of women out there that arent effed up. Things will never end well with her. They never do!

Confucius say

Confucius say wrote: »

Well, she sounds like a total mare. When a girl with all these issues has dumped you she's doing you favour. Bullet dodged. Move on with your life and enjoy not having her stressing you out any more. Good luck!

That's not entirely fair. Anorexia is a terrible condition to have and can tear people and families apart. It's something that never really goes away.

OP, regardless of anything else, she did the best possible thing for both of you. With issues like these, the best thing for her to do is focus on herself. You can do anything you want, she can go through tonnes of therapy, but it's ultimately up to her to have a "a-ha!" moment and realize what is best for her.

She's at the start of a long, scary, and unbearably tough road.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thank you to those of you that have taken time to reply.

I appreciate those saying that I should count my blessings etc. but seeing the person you love go through that kinda of thing is terrible, and what makes it worse is that now I miss her so much to compound the issue.

lazybones32

anonop wrote: »

OP here again.

Thank you to those of you that have taken time to reply.

I appreciate those saying that I should count my blessings etc. but seeing the person you love go through that kinda of thing is terrible, and what makes it worse is that now I miss her so much to compound the issue.

You've played your part well. You've helped her, accepted and loved her -warts and all. You can do no more. If she wants to leave...


Sucks balls to be in your shoes right now...

Sunflower 27

You did all you could. The woman has mental health issues, she needs help from a trained professional. Taking her on dates etc was lovely but was not going to make her eat again.

Your honesty hit a nerve with her and maybe in time she will seek out the help she needs.

Take some time out for yourself now. It sounds like you need it. You were loving and supportive. being honest with how she made you feel is not something you should be feeling bad about.

zeffabelli

She has an abortion.

Three months later develops anorexia.

I disagree with all of the posters here, but it comes down to what you can handle.

Loving someone means the tough times too, the circumstances they come with, thorns and all.

Maybe you can't, maybe its too much for you, but she doesn't need to be called crazy and bullet dodged etc, who knows what is going on inside after a pregnancy and termination.

She does need help, did you tell her you want to see her get better but it's beyond what you are capable of doing? That it takes expertise?

LegacyUser

zeffabelli wrote: »

She has an abortion.

Three months later develops anorexia.

I disagree with all of the posters here, but it comes down to what you can handle.

Loving someone means the tough times too, the circumstances they come with, thorns and all.

Maybe you can't, maybe its too much for you, but she doesn't need to be called crazy and bullet dodged etc, who knows what is going on inside after a pregnancy and termination.

She does need help, did you tell her you want to see her get better but it's beyond what you are capable of doing? That it takes expertise?

I see where people are coming from saying good riddance etc. but obviously I don't see it that way. I love the girl for who she is, and all that it encompasses.

I told her many times she needed to see the doctor, but she refused, and I can't drag her there. I am more than happy to be a rock for her when she needs it, but not if she is refusing to open up to me.

We have since spoken, and she stated that she was angry at me, and did what she did because of what I said. She now says that it is what she needed to hear, but time will only tell I guess. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy.

Thank you, and to all that have given their thoughts. As I said, there are not too many close friends that I would talk to about this.

zeffabelli

anonop wrote: »

I see where people are coming from saying good riddance etc. but obviously I don't see it that way. I love the girl for who she is, and all that it encompasses.

I told her many times she needed to see the doctor, but she refused, and I can't drag her there. I am more than happy to be a rock for her when she needs it, but not if she is refusing to open up to me.

We have since spoken, and she stated that she was angry at me, and did what she did because of what I said. She now says that it is what she needed to hear, but time will only tell I guess. All I want is for her to be happy and healthy.

Thank you, and to all that have given their thoughts. As I said, there are not too many close friends that I would talk to about this.

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully in time she will see you cared enough to risk her anger out of deep concern for her well being.

You did a good thing.

LegacyUser

Going anonymous to protect my sister's identity moreso than my own -

My sister was anorexic for a very long time and you can still tell it is something she lives with. She's in a much better place with a family, but those times were the toughest for my family. She reached such incredible lows, lows I've never seen before in anyone and I pray I never see in anyone else. It almost destroyed my family, my parents especially, and they did absolutely everything they could do for her during that time - even by paying a lot of money to get her in some specialized psychiatric hospitals and were as supportive as they can be. But I still remember how much she cried, how angry she was about everything, how she kept saying how much she wanted to die, how she would make herself get sick so much and would refuse to eat.

The point of all of this is to say that to those who say, "bullet dodged" or "she's crazy"; you need to take a cold hard look at yourselves and pray that nobody in your family or anyone you love comes down with a similar disorder. It is something that will never go fully away from my sister's life. It is something that will never fully go away in this person's life.