Uneasy and confused

LegacyUser

I'll try not to make this long, but if I run on it's just because I'm having trouble understanding what I'm thinking.

Basically: I'm really unsure about how to deal with a weird series of situations with my OH. We had a rough patch, but we've been trying to move forward and do better, and it's been working - until recently. Between altering plans without giving me the faintest idea of what was going on, to pressuring me into moving in with her to her seemingly saying that she was finding a place anyway, whether or not I could afford it, and move in without me, I've been really confused and uneasy. We're both in our mid twenties, she's unemployed and I've got recent part time employment but nothing I'm confident will last and we've been together four years.

It just feels like I'm an option, something she can use to get what she wants. She's not honest or transparent with me; she altered a plan for a day out for the two of us without evening notifying me personally, she instead drew me into a large facebook conversation to ask me what I wanted to do, putting me on the spot. She was essentially ready to use me to move apartments, so that she could get out of her current location that's she's desperate to leave for some reason (flatmates are grand, literally no problem between them bar a few understandable 'who drank my milk' sort of things) by telling me she wanted to move in with me alone, but asked other mutual friends to move in with us. I have no idea what's gotten into her, but I can't talk to her about it either. I asked her why she didn't just tell me she was changing her plans, or the real reason she wanted to move, but she ended up starting a huge fight. I'm finding it really hard to understand why she's acting this way, whether it's out of desperation or something else, but it makes me feel bad, nearly sick, to think about any of it because I feel like I can't talk to her about it. She takes everything as an attack, and it gets worse when she drinks: at that point she becomes quiet but really mean-spirited, starting fights and then trying to make me feel bad by bringing something up that could have easily resolved any issue before it started, something I couldn't have known but she obviously did. Is there something wrong with me? I love her but I just feel less and less a part of her life and more her boy-toy until something better comes along.

OneOfThem

Ah for the love of God, get out now, absolutely do not move in with her, she sounds... unpleasant. Scorch and salt the earth, burn the bridges, lay mines, run. There's literally billions of women in the world that aren't gigantic bitches. You can't walk down the street without tripping over one. Why stay entangled with one of the **** ones?

Drumpot

Re-read what you wrote. Imagine the woman in the story is going out with one of your closest friends or family. How would you advise them?

People who manipulate and use others are fantastic at convincing others that the problem is the victim. I believe people who feel compelled to belittle and put down other people are shallow, insecure and unwilling to look at their own faults. They prefer to shine a light on everybody else to take the focus off their own warts.

ivytwine

The title of your thread says it all OP. The person you love shouldn't make you feel "uneasy and confused". She doesn't sound like a nice person at all. I wouldn't be moving in with her anyway!

orthsquel

Whatever you do, don't move in with her. Not even with mutual friends. It will be a nightmare with how she is right now.

When you have tried to talk to her about the changes of plans, etc, she has gone on the defensive by picking a fight. She also is a mean drunk.

tbh OP I'd take a guess that whatever is going on with her, it has absolutely nothing to do with you at all. But I have to say I would be worried about you being pushed into moving in with her when you feel like you are a convenient option to solve a problem that she doesn't want to tell you about.

feelingchanges wrote: »

Is there something wrong with me?

I find it worrying that you are questioning if there is something wrong with you, within the context. There is nothing wrong with you. I get the impression that maybe your self esteem and confidence is taking a battering, that you feel that you must be doing something wrong, you feel uneasy and confused and you can't talk to her because she refuses to talk to you about whatever it is.

OP I have to echo OneOfThem completely - why stay with one of the **** ones? OK you have been together 4 years, but she should be at this stage in her mid 20s, able and capable and mature enough to talk to her boyfriend of 4 years about whatever is going on, rather than acting out defensively in picking fights. There's no reason that you both can't sit down and talk about it, you are willing but she is not, for whatever reason.

I would strongly advise that you assess your relationship and know where to draw the line with her behaviour. If she is not going to talk to you about what is going on, then I don't see why you should tolerate that in a relationship, or why you should stay in a relationship with someone like that.

Whatever you do OP, please do not move in with her, not even with mutual friends. It will most certainly be a nightmare, either you will be stuck with her in a difficult relationship, or you will stuck in a lease you don't want to be in, living somewhere you don't want to be or can't afford, basically with all the problems being landed on you.