Father introduced Child to Girlfriend

ash23

I'm on the fence with this one. I was with someone for years who left me for another woman and he introduced this woman to my daughter (he was her stepfather) within weeks of us splitting up and me and my daughter moving out. It was crass and upsetting for my child and I'll be honest it was also very hurtful for me too.

So I do agree a bit of time and communication on these things between parents is important.

On the other hand I am with someone who has a child and they had agreed a timeframe to meet new partners which was a year. It ended up being 18 months before I was "allowed" to meet his child as there were a list of conditions as long as my arm which had to be met before his ex would allow me to meet the child.

Even now, having met the child a number of times and us getting on great, child being really happy, not acting out etc, we are still not "allowed" to tell the child I am his girlfriend.

So I think in the case of the OP, the dad should have been courteous enough to tell her that he was planning on introducing the new girlfriend.
However I also think the OP is hurt about it and is appropriating her sons behaviour on the day somewhat needlessly. He seems to be fine with the situation and isn't acting out all the time so odds are he isn't bothered by the fact that his dad has a girlfriend. At his age he's kind of too young to even understand the word.

OP, at this point what's done is done. Your son has met the woman and it's out there so best to just move on with this and be ok with it as your son will take his cues from you.

I'd be more concerned about encouraging access and the frequency of the access. If you keep calling him out on what he does when he has the child, it might mean he takes him less and less because of the repercussions.
If you want him to be able to approach you about these matters then you will have to be objective to an extent when they do come up and not over react.
That is very difficult to do when you are still in love with him so you really need to do what you can to move on.

Est28

Ann84 wrote: »

Est28 although there are no rules set in stone, introducing a child to a 3rd party in difficult for children... It has varying levels of effect but it is a big deal for them.
I don't agree that 7 weeks after meeting someone at a wedding, that a) you can tell that it gonna last b) really even know the person

It doesn't sound mature to take such a big step with someone you barely know just cause you slap the girlfriend label on!!!

The child's father sees the child 1 week in 7 so this was probably the 1st weekend he had the child while seeing this particular love of his life... Mature parents would say, what's the hurry... 'new girlfriend, I have my son this weekend, I need some space to be with my son who I barely see and will get right back to honeymooning with you on Monday' or 'I've my son this weekend, if you'd like to hang out and meet him, that's cool but let's just call it's friends for him until he gets used to you...'

It is not mature to introduce your child to your gf or bf after 7 weeks, there is no rush, there is no need... The man barely sees his child as it is, could he not give the poor kid 1 weekend of attention?!?!

If you do some research on the subject, most share parenting groups suggest an extended period before introducing kids to new partners and also, doing it slowly, hanging out as friends etc... And it's just common courtesy to inform the other parent.
I don't think it's man bashing here, it's just no one REALLY knows anyone after 7 weeks... No one, not even if you call them your gf. Doesn't mean it not gonna last, but if he's so sure, what was the rush?!?

What I was addressing was notjustsweet's introduction of new "facts" into the discussion that the father apparently had "strings of women" coming in and out of the childs life and her assuertion that "OBVIOUSLY it won't last".

She's painting the father as some sort of scumbag or lowlife going around town with all sorts of women.

NONE OF THIS IS TRUE AND IT'S NOT FAIR FOR THESE THINGS TO BE ALLOWED TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE CONVERSATION.

(sorry for the caps there).

But it's not on. As far as we heard the father see's his child when he's allowed. Imagine if we heard from this other woman saying she thought she met a great guy only to find out in 6 months she had a secret family... we'd be on top of him for that TOO... he can't win. Some scored people just want to paint this guy as a bad guy when NONE of the facts actually suggest that.

I also think you guys are overblowing the "introduction". I'm sure it wasn't a grand fare. They just had a day they were all together. Again, what's the father to do, tell his GF to go hide????? That's asinine, none of you know what their relationship is like!! For all we know the child could be having a great time having someone spoil them for the day.

All this talk of "stability" is such Oprah rubbish. What do you all do, wrap your child in cotton wool so they never are introduced to new people anywhere? Do you all realize how mad that sounds? Sure to the child, they probably don't know what "girlfriend" really means, she's just daddies new friend.

njs030

Est28 wrote: »

What I was addressing was notjustsweet's introduction of new "facts" into the discussion that the father apparently had "strings of women" coming in and out of the childs life and her assuertion that "OBVIOUSLY it won't last".

.

Excuse me???? I most definitely did not make an "assuertion" that it obviously wouldnt last. In fact if you bother to read my post properly I said something along the lines of itmay or may not last.
If you're going to quote me please do so correctly.

Yes, I do think if this man is willing to introduce his son to any woman he dates for a short time then the child will be introduced to multiple women. Or possibly he could be with this woman for life- in which case what's the rush!

If you think stability isnt important in a child's life it shows you haven't the faintest idea about parenting or children so I'm not going to waste my time replying to you any further!

Est28

Here you go, direct quotes of the fiction you added to the thread.

notjustsweet wrote: »

a series of women streaming through his dad's life is hardly stable!

There is NOT ONE indication of a "series of women". NONE.

notjustsweet wrote: »

Maybe they will last but it's unlikely it's a serious relationship after such a short time!

Some people move fast, some move slow. You don't have to agree but it's not your place to be the moral police here. It may or may not last, but that has no bearing on what you deem "serious" enough.
Again this implies there is a "series", which there is NOT.

notjustsweet wrote: »

More likely that the dad wanted to see her and didn't let the presence of his child stop him.

Maybe he wanted to see BOTH, and include BOTH in his plans that day. Which is exactly what happened, and quite a nice thing.
I can't read read between the lines here of what you're implying but you're really grasping at straws.

Look, I get it. We could say ANYTHING to defend the dad here and you'd come kicking and screaming that no matter what he did, he was in the wrong, but because he's the man here. So let's leave it at that. You want to bash the man no matter what and the rest of us would like a balanaced conversation and looking at the ACTUAL FACTS, not one's we made up to suit our own agenda.