How do you get over being unattractive/plain-looking?

Nom De Guerre

Self-disgust is self-obsession, honey

TheOtherBloke

Yeah some people consider looks to be the main factor when it comes to being attracted to someone. But Personality, kindness.. Being considerate also plays a big part thats thats really what counts right? I mean, someone could be sexy as anything but could be a massive C**nt.. And not attract anyone due to the hight level of being a C**nt

Sleepy

Make the best of what you have (gym, run whatever, decent clothes, shower regularly etc.) and see who's out there that's the best that you can find that things you're worth dating.

In the end, we all settle. My wife doesn't look like Natalie Portman and I don't look like Ryan Gosling but we get on great and find each other attractive. Had I held out for "the one" I'd certainly still be single.

(I'm sure there'll be a few posters along shortly to tell you that's not true in their perfect relationship. They'll be lying, to themselves more than to you.)

Cold War Kid

Fair bit of projecting there, Sleepy.

Just because you settled doesn't mean "everyone" does or that those who say they haven't settled are lying to themselves.

Galwayguy35

pickarooney wrote: »

Most of these replies are bollocks, to be honest. Very few people want to be with someone who is physically unattractive, no matter what their personality is like. It's highly unlikely that people are going to spend enough time on someone they are not physically attractive to realise that they have a good sense of humour and warm personality (and most often these people won't have this as they'll be social cripples, which is a vicious circle). Even then, how many people in the history of humanity have actually changed their mind about someone's attractiveness once they've got over the initial repulsion?

You just deal with it OP, like you would if you'd lost a leg and the dream of being a sprinter went up in smoke.

+1

Good looking women will end up with the equally attractive tall guy, not the bald fat short fella with a great personality.

siblers

cloud493 wrote: »

If it applies to you of course, since I'm sure theres some beautiful looking creatures on boards, how do you cope with being ugly? Cos I'm an ugly ass bastard, and it can be tough sometimes. I'm ugly, plain, lanky, etc.

My own general strategy is to be a hermit much as possible. Don't let anyone ever take a picture of me, try not to look at people as much as possible, don't make eye contact, avoid social contact as much as possible, and don't be out of my house for any longer than necessary, no attempts to force my ugly ass face on anyone. It got easier when I realised I was so disgusting no woman would ever want me either.


How about you guys?

Start going to the gym, get fit/buff it'll male you feel great and you'll stand out against other guys who don't work out. Dress well, groom well and generally make an effort with your physical appearance. Can make the world of difference for someone.

Mr_Spaceman

TheOtherBloke wrote: »

Yeah some people consider looks to be the main factor when it comes to being attracted to someone. But Personality, kindness.. Being considerate also plays a big part thats thats really what counts right? I mean, someone could be sexy as anything but could be a massive C**nt.. And not attract anyone due to the hight level of being a C**nt

The trouble often is, though, that the massive c*** is less likely to be slotted into the friend zone. But that's probably something for a separate discussion.

Cold War Kid

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

+1

Good looking women will end up with the equally attractive tall guy, not the bald fat short fella with a great personality.

Both this point and the point it responds to, don't take into.account that there's a whole lotta in-between sandwiched by each extreme.

Galwayguy35

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Both this point and the point it responds to, don't take into.account that there's a whole lotta in-between sandwiched by each extreme.

Maybe, fame and money can help.

Mick Jagger would be a good example of this.

eternal

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

+1

Good looking women will end up with the equally attractive tall guy, not the bald fat short fella with a great personality.

Sweeping statements made by viewing life through the imagined lens of a Hollywood formulated film style ideal.

Galwayguy35

eternal wrote: »

Sweeping statements made by viewing life through the imagined lens of a Hollywood formulated film style ideal.

No, it's from seeing couples in real life.

eternal

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

No, it's from seeing couples in real life.

You must be in the local trendy cocktail bar checking out all the posers. Go into the real world and look at the different people in couples, it's overwhelming the way others attract one another. It can't be gauged by such small minded outlooks.

Cold War Kid

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Maybe, fame and money can help.

Mick Jagger would be a good example of this.

No that's not what I'm getting at at all. The only type of men you mentioned were tall adonises or short fat guys. What about the plethora in between?

Cold War Kid

NachoBusiness wrote: »

I still hear women say that about other guys in fact, that some guy is really handsome, but doesn't yet know it and how much they like that about them and so I think the whole confidence thing is overstated tbf.

I think the encouragement to work on confidence is more to stop the person giving as much of a sh-t about how they look and letting it hold themselves back so much... which then projects a person who... might not be super comfortable with themselves but not absolutely miserable about themselves either.

NegativeCreep

What age are you, cloud? I'm fairly sure you're only young. You can't write yourself off yet. And what does ugliness have to do with socialising? Why would your friends care what you look like? Surely you can still have the craic with them and enjoy yourself once in a while.

Roquentin

http://www.musedmagonline.com/2012/03/if-you-dont-love-yourself-who-will/

Deranged96

Aesthetics are important. Anyone claiming differently is applying their own moral righteousness to the bestial masses.

Aesthetics are important but they are not the end all and be all. You can be a creature of imense beauty and loath yourself with all your heart and you can be a poor ugly misfortune who loves their own skin. Accept the package that you come in. You can't make a purse from a sow's ear.

Be interesting and forward, don't be a passive background person because you're not a perfect 10. Personality has a longer shelf life anyway.

Self-pity is also the least attractive quality a person can have.

Roquentin

Deranged96 wrote: »

Aesthetics are important. Anyone claiming differently is applying their own moral righteousness to the bestial masses.

Aesthetics are important but they are not the end all and be all. You can be a creature of imense beauty and loath yourself with all your heart and you can be a poor ugly misfortune who loves their own skin. Accept the package that you come in. You can't make a purse from a sow's ear.

Be interesting and forward, don't be a passive background person because you're not a perfect 10. Personality has a longer shelf life anyway.

Self-pity is also the least attractive quality a person can have.

i agree with that.

Roquentin

this is fairly common in western culture as a pose to poorer countries. we live in a competitive environment wherein the popular people are lauded and those who dont make the cut are ignored. it stems from adolescence wherein the popular guy and the good looking girl got the attention. we just carry that on into adulthood.

I go to the gym and stop caring

Gongoozler

I'm at the same point as you cloud. I'm having a hard time trying to accept that I don't look look good. Not just not looking good, looking bad. It upsets me often. I know there's nothing I can do about it, so I am trying to just accept the way I look, but it's hard.

Alf Veedersane

It's very difficult for other people to see the good in you if you hold such a negative view of yourself.

Get out and do something that makes you happy and stop focusing on negatives

NachoBusiness

Cold War Kid wrote: »

I think the encouragement to work on confidence is more to stop the person giving as much of a sh-t about how they look and letting it hold themselves back so much... which then projects a person who... might not be super comfortable with themselves but not absolutely miserable about themselves either.

Your missing my point..

I think confidence is a red herring. You say that the encouragement to work on confidence is really just so that the person won't give so much of a sh1t anymore but that's not needed. That would imply that confidence is needed to do that and I don't think that it is. I think we have been brainwashed over the past few decades to see confidence as something which it isn't. Which is why in the post I talk about not giving a sh1t and letting go with no fear of contradicting myself, for the simple reason that I don't think there is one.

People need to let go, yes, to learn to not care so much how they are seen or what people think of them for sure. Of course but you don't need self confidence (something which I think can only come organically) to do that. You don't need anything to do that. Attempting to obtain confidence would just get in the way of that. It's not about obtaining, it's about removing. Removing tension, fear, doubt, self criticism, self judgement.. it's about saying fcuk it, I am what I am.

Now, doing that could result in a person becoming confident, perhaps, but that should not be the goal of changing one's attitude or outlook, let alone be something that should be deemed a necessity. Reason being that we are all so different. Some of us are naturally confident, some naturally shy and quiet and all points in-between. Some socially anxious, some not even a tinch. All of which is really unimportant when it comes to trying to feel comfortable in your own skin. A person working on their confidence in order to feel that, is coming at from the wrong side of the fence.

Some people work on their confidence for decades and get nowhere and a nose job changes their whole lives. No amount of confidence techniques will help someone like that. They have two options, an operation or, as I said previous, letting go of it. Not caring about. Learning to live with what you can't rise above. That feeling has nothing to do with being confident. It's about resigning to the fact that sometimes you can not be what you want to be. Again, if they can do this, then this might give them some confidence but in and of itself, confidence means jack.

Mam of 4

NachoBusiness wrote: »

Your missing my point..

I think confidence is a red herring. You say that the encouragement to work on confidence is really just so that the person won't give so much of a sh1t anymore but that's not needed. That would imply that confidence is needed to do that and I don't think that it is. I think we have been brainwashed over the past few decades to see confidence as something which it isn't. Which is why in the post I talk about not giving a sh1t and letting go with no fear of contradicting myself, for the simple reason that I don't think there is one.

People need to let go, yes, to learn to not care so much how they are seen or what people think of them for sure. Of course but you don't need self confidence (something which I think can only come organically) to do that. You don't need anything to do that. Attempting to obtain confidence would just get in the way of that. It's not about obtaining, it's about removing. Removing tension, fear, doubt, self criticism, self judgement.. it's about saying fcuk it, I am what I am.

Now, doing that could result in a person becoming confident, perhaps, but that should not be the goal of changing one's attitude or outlook, let alone be something that should be deemed a necessity. Reason being that we are all so different. Some of us are naturally confident, some naturally shy and quiet and all points in-between. Some socially anxious, some not even a tinch. All of which is really unimportant when it comes to trying to feel comfortable in your own skin. A person working on their confidence in order to feel that, is coming at from the wrong side of the fence.

Some people work on their confidence for decades and get nowhere and a nose job changes their whole lives. No amount of confidence techniques will help someone like that. They have two options, an operation or, as I said previous, letting go of it. Not caring about. Learning to live with what you can't rise above. That feeling has nothing to do with being confident. It's about resigning to the fact that sometimes you can not be what you want to be. Again, if they can do this, then this might give them some confidence but in and of itself, confidence means jack.

+1 on this.

Long ago I gave up trying to " fit in " . We are all different true , my confidence wouldn't have been great , wouldn't be considered classically attractive either tbh.

In my twenties I decided f-ck it, am never going to be the leggy,long haired beauty people consider to be the most attractive. I am who I am , short haired , don't do makeup , heels false tan that often. And I thought , know what ? If others want to judge me on appearances only , without getting to know me , that's their hard luck , not mine .

Be happy in your own skin , good or bad , we all seem to see ourselves in a worse light than others do . If you become happy with who you are , so will others .

Not much help , sorry for the ramble there

Galwayguy35

I can see where the OP is coming from, I have average looks but I'm not tall which is a turn off for many women.

I'm over 40 now and have settled into single life, tried dating sites but they didn't really work for me, if someone comes along that's great but if not no point stressing about it.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I have a hard time believing someone is chronically ugly. Some people might find you ugly but more people won't. If someone wants to find you ugly they'll find something. It reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my best friends when myself and an ex were meeting other people. He starts seeing this other girl, much better looking than me. My friend examined her Facebook and she'd been nominated for this ice bucket challenge, and had shorts and no shoes on.

Now, she was a pretty girl. No doubt. But by the time my friend had finished looking at that picture, she'd picked out about 10 faults with the girl. She had an overbite, she had a mans voice, she looked like something a rotweiller attacked when she had wet hair, her feet were like skis, she hadn't shaved her legs.

I thought my friend was trying to make me feel better but nope, she genuinely thought she was rough looking. People's perception is just different

Alf Veedersane

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I have a hard time believing someone is chronically ugly. Some people might find you ugly but more people won't. If someone wants to find you ugly they'll find something. It reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my best friends when myself and an ex were meeting other people. He starts seeing this other girl, much better looking than me. My friend examined her Facebook and she'd been nominated for this ice bucket challenge, and had shorts and no shoes on.

Now, she was a pretty girl. No doubt. But by the time my friend had finished looking at that picture, she'd picked out about 10 faults with the girl. She had an overbite, she had a mans voice, she looked like something a rotweiller attacked when she had wet hair, her feet were like skis, she hadn't shaved her legs.

I thought my friend was trying to make me feel better but nope, she genuinely thought she was rough looking. People's perception is just different

And this is why you should let other people decide whether they find you attractive (as a person) or not rather than make up their mind with your attitude and/or demeanour

Andrewf20

It may be hard reading but askmen.com have a click bait top 10 list of what women want in a man and I find that it usually rings through. Looks only come in at no. 9. Heres the list and link below.

10 - Independence
9 - Looks
8 - Positivity
7 - Communication skills
6 - Sociability
5 - Intelligence
4 - Passion (for life in general)
3 - Sense of humour
2 - Ambition
1 - Confidence

http://ie.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-things-women-want.html

If you are insecure about your appearance, 1 piece of advice I would say is hit the gym and get fit, set goals and aim to beat them every week. Ive seen this transform people. Confidence, looks and positivity should all go up.

cloud493

Andrewf20 wrote: »

It may be hard reading but askmen.com have a top 10 list of what women want in a man and I find that it rings through. Looks only come in at no. 9. Heres the list and link below.

10 - Independence
9 - Looks
8 - Positivity
7 - Communication skills
6 - Sociability
5 - Intelligence
4 - Passion (for life in general)
3 - Sense of humour
2 - Ambition
1 - Confidence

http://ie.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-things-women-want.html

I think thats bollocks. Looks first.

Roquentin

Andrewf20 wrote: »

It may be hard reading but askmen.com have a top 10 list of what women want in a man and I find that it rings through. Looks only come in at no. 9. Heres the list and link below.

10 - Independence
9 - Looks
8 - Positivity
7 - Communication skills
6 - Sociability
5 - Intelligence
4 - Passion (for life in general)
3 - Sense of humour
2 - Ambition
1 - Confidence

http://ie.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-things-women-want.html

where is height on that list

efb

Show him my penis- actually worked once on holiday!

Andrewf20

Andrewf20 wrote: »

It may be hard reading but askmen.com have a click bait top 10 list of what women want in a man

Did they ask men

Andrewf20

cloud493 wrote: »

I think thats bollocks. Looks first.

I know of people I would deem as unattractive but score well in other areas on this list and turn out to have little trouble with women, relationships etc. And vice versa also.

stephenl15

Half the women here claiming looks arent important and it's personality that's most important etc. would be the very people to turn down a guy in a club who they don't find physically attractive. It's all well and good typing it on a keyboard, but in practice it's a whole different story. Bottom line is physical appearance is very important.

maybe you should venture outside the aul clubs

Wabbit Ears

srsly though, you may have lost the genetic lottery but in this case the old AA slogan holds very true

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.



or, to put it another way, obsessing over something you cannot change is fcuking stupid, Everybody has good and bad qualities and their own crosses to bear.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

stephenl15 wrote: »

Half the women here claiming looks arent important and it's personality that's most important etc. would be the very people to turn down a guy in a club who they don't find physically attractive. It's all well and good typing it on a keyboard, but in practice it's a whole different story. Bottom line is physical appearance is very important.

Hand on heart - when I met my OH initially, I was not attracted to him at all. It was about a year and a half before I even started to find him attractive never mind actually fancying him.
We initially were just good friends, and I got to like his personality first - he was awesome. Now don't get me wrong, he is a bit of all right, just wasn't my type at the time.

I've met plenty of lads in clubs that I've kissed or went on dates with and honestly, I only ever stayed in contact with one - the rest of them were all fools and they would have been my type to look at

Alf Veedersane

Nightclubs: the barometer of life since 1872.

Being negative is way down most people's lists of things they find attractive. There are a host of things that factor into looks as well. Smiling usually helps.

Focussing on negatives brings no positives. Do things you enjoy doing. It's a powerful feeling. I say that as someone who used to hide indoors and wear baggy tops to conceal my weight.

MightyMandarin

Andrewf20 wrote: »

If you are insecure about your appearance, 1 piece of advice I would say is hit the gym and get fit, set goals and aim to beat them every week. Ive seen this transform people. Confidence, looks and positivity should all go up.

Whilst this may be true for a small minority, getting fit and improving one's physique doesn't make people confident imo.

People may have this impression that most 'buff' lads or fit looking women in the gym ooze confidence and good self esteem but I've found this to be very different. I'm not huge or ripped by any means, but after lifting for almost 2 years my body looks better than most, yet I haven't found myself suddenly acting confident and most people I know would say that I'm shy, quiet etc. In fact most of the lads I know from the gym are quite self conscious, always think they are looking small/fat and go through the same problems of feeling ugly or inadequate.

All I can say is that getting fit and looking better is a brilliant thing and everyone should do it, but it's not some sort of magic pill that will make people confident or never feel crap about themselves, and I hope people don't see exercise as that.

Alf Veedersane

MightyMandarin wrote: »

Whilst this may be true for a small minority, getting fit and improving one's physique doesn't make people confident imo.

People may have this impression that most 'buff' lads or fit looking women in the gym ooze confidence and good self esteem but I've found this to be very different. I'm not huge or ripped by any means, but after lifting for almost 2 years my body looks better than most, yet I haven't found myself suddenly acting confident and most people I know would say that I'm shy, quiet etc. In fact most of the lads I know from the gym are quite self conscious, always think they are looking small/fat and go through the same problems of feeling ugly or inadequate.

All I can say is that getting fit and looking better is a brilliant thing and everyone should do it, but it's not some sort of magic pill that will make people confident or never feel crap about themselves, and I hope people don't see exercise as that.

+1

The biggest plus the gym brought me was that I found I really enjoyed it. Doing stuff I enjoy doing makes me happy. Being happy makes me smile.

A smile is an underestimated thing.

Wabbit Ears

getting fit has nothing to do with bodybuilding which you seem to be confusing.


And being fit absolutely does make you more confident and happier.

. Go to any runnning event and see that all the people running half marathons and 10k etc are not muscle bound gymbunnies at all.

MightyMandarin

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

And being fit absolutely does make you more confident and happier.

. Go to any runnning event and see that all the people running half marathons and 10k etc are not muscle bound gymbunnies at all.

Actually no, before I started lifting I was running 4x a week for over a year as I was dreadfully unfit before that. I wasn't an athlete by any means, but I managed a sub45 minute 10k which was better than most people my age, yet I still was the same quiet, shy lad I am today.

And that has zero relevance to my point. You think that all those runners are super confident and never feel crap about their appearance or looks? Big muscles or small muscles doesn't matter; you can train your biceps to be bigger but you can't train your brain to be more confident.

Andrewf20

MightyMandarin wrote: »

Whilst this may be true for a small minority, getting fit and improving one's physique doesn't make people confident imo.

People may have this impression that most 'buff' lads or fit looking women in the gym ooze confidence and good self esteem but I've found this to be very different. I'm not huge or ripped by any means, but after lifting for almost 2 years my body looks better than most, yet I haven't found myself suddenly acting confident and most people I know would say that I'm shy, quiet etc. In fact most of the lads I know from the gym are quite self conscious, always think they are looking small/fat and go through the same problems of feeling ugly or inadequate.

All I can say is that getting fit and looking better is a brilliant thing and everyone should do it, but it's not some sort of magic pill that will make people confident or never feel crap about themselves, and I hope people don't see exercise as that.

For sure - its no guarantee that confidence will definitely come. Getting fit may also be to do with the cardio side of things rather than the bulking up side. Id seen ripped lads turn into show offs too which is a big no no.

SVJKarate

cloud493 wrote: »

I think thats bollocks. Looks first.

Yes, looks first, but not last.

Many an ugly man found an attractive mate, by using those talents he had to full effect. Look at Andrew Lloyd Webber, Joe Di Maggio, Lyle Lovett, Bono, to name but a few. Here's an article which tries to explain the phenomenon.

The ability to achieve ambitions, to create laughter, or to display quiet confidence are actually very highly ranked by women.

Get your head out from under those rocks and do something to make yourself interesting. Your other talents matter most for men.

MightyMandarin

Andrewf20 wrote: »

For sure - its no guarantee that confidence will definitely come. Getting fit may also be to do with the cardio side of things rather than the bulking up side. Id seen ripped lads turn into show offs too which is a big no no.

Yeah cardio is for getting fit, but when people talk of 'improving your appearance' by going to the gym that means lifting and getting bigger and leaner, at least for most men and some women.

I was more arguing against the belief that getting fit or improving your physique will automatically make you confident as I've found it does little to improve your confidence. You may feel better and healthier, but if you think you've an ugly face before you start training, you'll think the same after you get fit or look better from the neck downwards; at least that's what I've found with myself and other people I know.

Letree

cloud493 wrote: »

Don't let anyone ever take a picture of me, try not to look at people as much as possible, don't make eye contact, avoid social contact as much as possible, and don't be out of my house for any longer than necessary, no attempts to force my ugly ass face on anyone. It got easier when I realised I was so disgusting no woman would ever want me either.

I think social anxiety is a problem for you more than anything. For you to think that you are almost insulting people to be in their presence as an unattractive person is crazy. I know some genuinely ugly bastards and they are great company and very popular. So never think being unattractive is a good reason to avoid people.

Anyway i doubt you are even half as ugly as you make out.

petrolcan

Ugly? Not on your nelly!

People just look different *shocker*

You lack self confidence.

Try to stop giving a f**k and you'll be surprised with the results.

Robsweezie

cloud493 wrote: »

If it applies to you of course, since I'm sure theres some beautiful looking creatures on boards, how do you cope with being ugly? Cos I'm an ugly ass bastard, and it can be tough sometimes. I'm ugly, plain, lanky, etc.

My own general strategy is to be a hermit much as possible. Don't let anyone ever take a picture of me, try not to look at people as much as possible, don't make eye contact, avoid social contact as much as possible, and don't be out of my house for any longer than necessary, no attempts to force my ugly ass face on anyone. It got easier when I realised I was so disgusting no woman would ever want me either.


How about you guys?

self destructive and will get you nowhere OP. You might just retreat more and more into yourself until you don't relish other people's company because you're too in your head.

Mr_Spaceman

Now, I'd be a fairly plain-looking fellow, by most people's estimations. Presentable but plain.

Some days, I do feel unattractive, like, in a struggling-to-get-out-of-bed kinda way.

Other days (not as many as I'd like though), I feel too damn sexy for my funky shirt.

Is this normal? Does anyone else experience this?

And, yes, I am single...

FISMA.

Make money, problem solved.