Urgent LDR advice needed please

LegacyUser

Hi. I have posted here about this before, but it was difficult to break up as there was a big issue, which now to an extent has been put to bed. I have been going out with the girl for a few years, I live in Ireland, she in the UK. I don't want to be in the relationship anymore, 3 years of LDR has taken its toll. We are just back from holidays together. Normally we book flights a decent bit in advance, so that we can see each other every two weeks, at a reasonable cost. Here is the thing, I am now ready to break up, would prefer to do it face to face BUT the logistics and costs of flights if flying in and out same day, are total crap. I cant push this back for weeks. As far as she is concerned all is ok and we are just going to have to stump up a large amount on flights to see each other next weekend or something more drastic like Ferry, it is her turn to come my way. Do I simply do it over the phone and tell her I will come her way at a better time to explain in person (Is there any point in that)? simply do it over phone or tell her I have booked flights her way for next weekend and don't say "we need to have a talk" until the evening before or what?! Opinions please...

lazybones32

Ring her this evening and say it over the phone, or on Skype. Let her know before she spends cash on travelling to see you. Tell her you'd that you'd have preferred to have this conversation face-to-face but circumstances don't allow for it.
As you wrote, you are ready now to break up, so do it. If she's solely coming to see you, do it before she books.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply. I have told her I may come her way, just to buy time and come up with best solution. She wont book anything without speaking to me first...

mapaca

I second lazybones - call or Skype her this evening and end it. Don't let her go spending money and making plans to visit if your heart isn't in it.

pookie82

I remember a thread here before on largely the same issue (maybe it was you?) and I think at the time the consensus was to just do it before she travels. Imagine the hell of going off for what you think is a nice long weekend with your boyfriend and having to travel back dumped ... packing your things, waiting in the airport, crying on a plane ... don’t put her through that. If you have to be “that ass*ole that broke up with her over the phone”, so be it. Maybe a skype call would be more a personal and acceptable way to do it.

EDIT: she may still want to meet up for “closure” one last time even after you’ve done it but at least then she’ll be travelling with her eyes open to the situation and preparing herself for it.

LegacyUser

guys I agree with you. I am not going to let her travel here. I also cant go through spending a weekend together and going on the last night "oh its over". If I go over, I am looking at 12 hours between arrival of flight and departure (her house is only twenty minutes from airport), the conversation wont take that long.

"Imagine the hell of going off for what you think is a nice long weekend with your boyfriend and having to travel back dumped ... packing your things, waiting in the airport, crying on a plane ... don’t put her through that. If you have to be “that ass*ole that broke up with her over the phone”, so be it. Maybe a skype call would be more a personal and acceptable way to do it."

It may have been me. Again I agree with the above. If anyone does the travelling, its going to be me, for a twenty minute, half hour conversation. I am looking at weekends so she wont be in work, I am factor all of the damage limitation I can in.

If things were very simple, 100% I break up in person, even over there. I am left with two bloody poor options ultimately IMO...

pookie82

Are you thinking of going over in person, flying both ways same day to do it, giving yourself a set number of hours between flights?

I understand how/why you're planning it this way but have a thought for the fact that the aftermath and any upset/conversations she might have will take longer than what sounds like a tight schedule. I don't know if it's smart to land, say "I think we should break up, now I have to get back to my plane" and take off again within an hour or two leaving her shell shocked. It might be the case that she wants you gone 5 minutes after you say it, it might also be the case that she'll have a lot to say too that could take hours.

The logistics really suck no matter how you look at it - break up from a distance, plan a short trip in which to do it and hope you can both fit in all you need to say, or spend a long weekend with her and leave it until the last few hours to tell her...

I would go with a skype call to have the initial convo and then an offer to go and see her/have her come here to really cement the break, and then at least she won't be knocked for six when the last meeting does happen.

LegacyUser

Hi Pookie. The flight leaves at crack of dawn and goes back 12 hours later. That is the brutal thing, it wont be like go break up, do the hard thing and catch a flight an hour or two later. I will be bloody upset myself, but its not fair on her doing it here. I have pondered so many times doing it there on there last evening, but I don't know it doesn't feel right somehow. If she was living in Ireland I would have ended it a while ago. I really care for the girl and love her. That's why I am very reluctant to do it over phone, but the complication of doing it the other way... I appreciate all replies, when I get a few different angles and mull it over enough, I usually find that the better way of doing it become apparent soon enough... I have had two flights in the past 72 hours, and sometimes I have been in the airport 3 or 4 times in the space of two days, I just cant do it anymore. The relationship has also run its course though IMO. I know she wont end it as she would prefer to be doing this, than break up...

lazybones32

There is no ideal scenario for you to break-up with her; no way that is going to hurt less. Even if you think you're being a gentleman and waiting until you meet her in person, it's going to come out that you've felt this way for some time. That's going to sting.

Katgurl

Just fly over there and do it. She might want to keep talking or if not you can amuse yourself for the duration of the twelve hours. Shoulder the cost, it's important.

ihavenoname3

I have been broken up with over the phone op and it was not very nice at all. Go over to her and do it there, its what a gentleman would do, and if you have any respect for her that is how you should do it.

CaraMay

Op if she was living in Ireland you wiuld have broken up with her well why did you go on holiday with her so? She's going to feel used given you are breaking up with her directly after holidays so just do it by Skype as it's not going to end well anyway.

I would be so annoyed if someone had gone ahead on a boyfriend /girlfriend holiday (and assume all the intimacy that goes with it) knowing they were going to dump me after.

She's a big girl and she will get over you

Oryx

You can do it over the phone, but make it a long conversation where both of you get to say everything you want. It may even take two calls, after a bit of time to think. Yeah, in person is decent and all, but its also agonising and awkward for both of you. If I were in her shoes, I would prefer to know before you travel, rather than to think you are coming all happy to see me and then getting the breakup chat like a slap in the face. A call would be easier to handle, for me, anyhow.

The one thing you should not do is end it cold, and cut her off. THATS painful, done at a distance. Allow her to talk, and give her closure.

pookie82

Oryx wrote: »

The one thing you should not do is end it cold, and cut her off. THATS painful, done at a distance. Allow her to talk, and give her closure.

Within reason ... give her a chance to talk to you after the initial conversation maybe, when she's had a chance to gauge how she feels and say what she needs to.

But I wouldn't let a debate or fight to win you back open up over a number of weeks. Be clear that it's over and give her the chance to say all she has to say but do it in a matter of days, not weeks or months.

Because you're long distance and don't see each other as part of your daily/weekly routine, it might take a little longer for the penny to drop with her that you're really over.