Girlfriend wants a threesome - worried!

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 5 months and things have been great. I was in a LTR before that which broke up but I met my current girlfriend within a few weeks of the break up and was totally into her. We've been having pretty amazing sex, totally not what I was used to and she is a lot more adventurous sexually than i'd be but I'm liking it have to say!

Anyway, last Saturday night after a marathon session she turns in the bed next to me and says that she's a bit bored sexually in our relationship and wanted to spice things up by having a threesome. I was a bit surprised and I think she must have read my face because before I said anything she said that she said the third person should be a woman and that it was not because I wasn't satisfying her and that she wanted another man or anything like that. Still a bit shocked I wasn't really sure what to say and asked her had she anyone in mind. She listed off two best friends of hers and another that really surprised me which was an old work colleague of mine. The thing is that about month ago we went out and happened to run into a gang of my old work colleagues and she got chatting to one girl I used to work with and they've kept in touch since and went for coffee, shopping etc... and I thought nothing more about it at the time.

When she mentioned my old work colleague I kinda said WTF wouldn't ride her into battle, (not my exact words by the way) but I could see then that my girlfriend was a bit insulted and she dropped the topic there and then we haven't talked about it since. I've noticed that she's been a bit cool with me the past week - i've been the one initiating all the sex since and she's not been as interested as usual - so she's still pissed off I think.

The thing is though the more I think about it, I'm sort of wondering does she have a bit of a thing for my ex colleague and should I be worried?! They're starting a yoga class together next week I think. Not really sure what to do?

Tigger99

I think it's a terrible terrible idea. Not because I'm opposed to threesomes, I'd say they could be great fun, but because this is her solution to being bored sexually with you after five months. Seriously, five months? What the hell. At that point and beyond you should still be in the throes of enjoying each other's bodies.

I think the great sex (obviously just in your opinion and not hers) is clouding your judgement. Sexual compatibility is a hugely important part of a relationship. Say you do this, what happens the next time she is bored, what will she suggest then?

I hate to say it but she sounds very fickle and whether or not you agree to this I think it spells the beginning of the end.

.... it's a bad sign that she's considering the sex to be boring only after 5 months.

beertons

[Deleted User] wrote: »

.... it's a bad sign that she's considering the sex to be boring only after 5 months.

That's what I was thinking.

Carlos Orange

Is there any particular reason you are more worried about your ex work colleague than the 2 best friends she listed?

Penny Tration

It's a very bad sign that she's bored sexually after five months. You should still be happily tearing each others' clothes off after only five months!

I don't think a threesome is an awful idea if both parties are happy and comfortable with the idea.

However, her attitude says a lot about her. Instead of approaching it in an adult way, she says she's bored in bed and that's why she wants it? Throwing in the bit about being bored in bed is unnecessarily nasty. Her attitude changing and her not initiating sex since you made it clear you were uncomfortable is rotten, too. She's an adult, but her behaviour seems quite childish and passive aggressive.

I'd be questioning whether I want to be with someone who might be great in bed, but doesn't take my concerns seriously and discuss them like an adult.

nc19

If your up for a 3some in principle just not with that woman just tell her that and have her pick someone else......If you don't want a 3some at all just tell her and whatever happens was for the best

Jenny Thalia

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

However, her attitude says a lot about her. Instead of approaching it in an adult way, she says she's bored in bed and that's why she wants it? Throwing in the bit about being bored in bed is unnecessarily nasty. Her attitude changing and her not initiating sex since you made it clear you were uncomfortable is rotten, too. She's an adult, but her behaviour seems quite childish and passive aggressive.

I'd be questioning whether I want to be with someone who might be great in bed, but doesn't take my concerns seriously and discuss them like an adult.

This.

At five months you're still exploring each other sexually and getting to know each other's bodies. So for her to then turn around and go, "this is boring" would really knock my confidence in my abilities, especially in the OP's place, where he thought everything was amazing.

Here's what I'd personally do:

Talk to her about it before introducing someone else at all. Ask her if there's anything the two of you could try to spice things up and makes things more fun. Ask her what she finds boring.

The way I see it is that once the threesome was finished (by the way, a lot of people are currently thinking, "you. lucky. bastard", as they read this thread) then will she go back to finding the sex boring? I mean, realistically nothing would have changed between you two, unless she'd want to continuously introduce a third party into the mix. And would you be OK with that?

So, OP, I would be more concerned with the fact she's bored than with the threesome itself.

Carlos Orange

Deleted User wrote: »

So, OP, I would be more concerned with the fact she's bored than with the threesome itself.

I think the OPs main concern is this bit "does she have a bit of a thing for my ex colleague" not the threesome itself.

CaraMay

psinno wrote: »

I think the OPs main concern is this bit "does she have a bit of a thing for my ex colleague" not the threesome itself.

Agreed.

It's hard to know op. Do you think she's "grooming" her?

Catari Jaguar

Clearly monogamy is not for this girl. This will lead to resentment of you on her part and heartbreak for you. I'd end it.

MagicMarker

This won't end well OP. If she's bored already then it's only a matter of time before she wants to be spit roasted.

So you could break up now, or you could have the threesome and then breakup. Either way, you're gonna break up.

psinno

psinno wrote: »

I think the OPs main concern is this bit "does she have a bit of a thing for my ex colleague" not the threesome itself.

CaraMay wrote: »

Agreed.

It's hard to know op. Do you think she's "grooming" her?

Honestly, I'm more amazed that the guy's reaction was to this and not the fact that she's bored with their sex life.

As MagicMarker said, it's an unbelievably bad sign and doesn't bode well for a long lasting relationship.

mapaca

1. 5 months is very soon for her to be "bored", I would see this as a bad sign.
2. Being a bit off with someone because you didn't get what you want, instead of discussing things like adults, is a bad sign.
3. Don't ever be pushed into doing anything sexual that you really don't want to do.

iusedtoknow

If you are not into the whole idea, then don't do it.

This could just be a sign that you aren't sexually compatible and will need to move on.

The Dark Side

Regardless of the future of this relationship, you'll probably look back in 20years and really regret not having a threesome.

So I say 'go for it', but make sure it's on your terms - i.e. with one of her hot mates as opposed to your work colleague.

Mr. Incognito

It never ceases to amaze me the double standards that people have.

If this was a lad asking for a threesome after five months because the sex life was boring the answers would be totally different. I find her approach selfish, crass and insensitive.

My response would be consistent.

This is not long term partner material unless you are into polly relationships.

Dump her and find someone who is on your level. I know that she is not because you have a thread here which really is looking for validation if this is something to walk away from. It is.

LegacyUser

Op here again,

Thanks for all your replies, maybe I didn't say it right in my post but she is actually the most generous caring and loving girl ever, I guess I was just a bit taken aback by the idea of the threesome, really didn't see that one coming! I don't have anything against them I just didn't really see me having one...

Several people mentioned about her being bored by the sex... yes I was shocked by that as well, considering she's been initiating it an awful lot of the time! And it's not like I'm terrible in the sack, she orgasms a lot so I spend ages pleasuring her after I've cum, it's not like I roll over and go to sleep after I'm done!

My fear is that she's taken up by my ex-colleague...she mentioned those two best friends as well but they live in her hometown and they have boyfriends so it doesn't sound very realistic! The person I worked with always was single as far as I know.

She's calling over this evening so I might bring it up but I don't even know what to say tbh... it's not like a normal conversation starter you know! Maybe it sounds a bit stupid but if I give her a really good time maybe she'll forget she ever brought it up?!!

retro:electro

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

It never ceases to amaze me the double standards that people have.

If this was a lad asking for a threesome after five months because the sex life was boring the answers would be totally different. I find her approach selfish, crass and insensitive.

My response would be consistent.

This is not long term partner material unless you are into polly relationships.

Dump her and find someone who is on your level. I know that she is not because you have a thread here which really is looking for validation if this is something to walk away from. It is.

I don't know what thread you've been reading, but the majority of posts here have been telling the op not to go ahead with it and that its a sign that all is not well in their relationship as she is bored after 5 months..

Saipanne

I dated a girl just like her. As fun as she was, you just can't make a girl like that happy. I mean, she had a room full of men on more than one occasion, how could you ever be enough for a woman like that???

Tread carefully, op.

ted1

OP enjoy it while you can.

daveville30

Go for it you only live once.probably not going anywhere with her anyway.

Potatoeman

Do you think she is annoyed because you don't find her friend attractive and she does? It sounds like she might already have had a physical relationship with this woman and is not too impressed that you wouldn't.

MrWalsh

Is this not the plot of how Ross found out his ex wife was a lesbian in Friends?

Dial Hard

Potatoeman wrote: »

It sounds like she might already have had a physical relationship with this woman and is not too impressed that you wouldn't.

It doesn't sound anything like that, tbh.

gif123 wrote: »

She's calling over this evening so I might bring it up but I don't even know what to say tbh... it's not like a normal conversation starter you know!

Just tell her that you've thought about it and while it's nice to think/fantasise about, you think that in reality there's too much scope for complications/hurt feelings.

Mr.McLovin

gif123 wrote: »

Op here again,

Thanks for all your replies, maybe I didn't say it right in my post but she is actually the most generous caring and loving girl ever, I guess I was just a bit taken aback by the idea of the threesome, really didn't see that one coming! I don't have anything against them I just didn't really see me having one...

Several people mentioned about her being bored by the sex... yes I was shocked by that as well, considering she's been initiating it an awful lot of the time! And it's not like I'm terrible in the sack, she orgasms a lot so I spend ages pleasuring her after I've cum, it's not like I roll over and go to sleep after I'm done!

My fear is that she's taken up by my ex-colleague...she mentioned those two best friends as well but they live in her hometown and they have boyfriends so it doesn't sound very realistic! The person I worked with always was single as far as I know.

She's calling over this evening so I might bring it up but I don't even know what to say tbh... it's not like a normal conversation starter you know! Maybe it sounds a bit stupid but if I give her a really good time maybe she'll forget she ever brought it up?!!

that's great you are a considerate lover and you make sure she comes and that she initiates the sex a lot of the time but the fact remains bro she is bored of the sex with you after only after 5 months together...

alarm bells!

even if your suspicions are right about her 'taking up' with this college, your screwed either way, she is bored of sex with you or she is a closet lesbian/bi sexual who is/or wants to cheat on you.

I'd prepare for this to end either sooner or later

I hope I'm wrong as you sound really into her

good luck

shellyboo

If she is unhappy with the sex, adding more people isn't the solution. Absolutely talk to her about it, but tell her you're concerned that she is bored and ask if there's anything else she would like to try just between the two of you, before involving a third party.

It sounds to me as if she isn't your typical vanilla gal, and that her sexual tastes may be more extreme than you think. To me, this is your main issue -- if you're not both comfortable with your sexual compatibility, a threesome is a disaster waiting to happen. See if you can get her to come clean about the kind of sex she wants / needs in order to not be bored, and then you'll be in a position to consider if you guys are sexually compatible.

LegacyUser

Right we had a long talk last night and she's told me she wants to break up.

She thinks the spark is gone and feels that I'm too predictable?! I asked her what did that mean but she said i'm too vanilla in bed for her liking and that she wants a bit of "freedom to explore". She told me that I obviously wasn't comfortable about her threesome idea and that this was the last straw in her eyes.

I was dying to ask her did she have feelings for my ex work colleague but things were already a bit emotional and to be honest part of me doesn't really want to know so I held back.

She wants to be friends etc etc etc... but I would rather not see her again i'm just so pissed off. Or maybe I should stay in contact? Just think it would be a bit weird tbh.

Someone mentioned this is like an episode of friends, ha, didn't see that coming when dating a girl from Mulingar?!

Taltos

Mod Note:
MrWalsh, that post is below the standard expect here. Please don't repeat it. Have a read of our charter if you haven't done so recently.

Thanks
Taltos

Dial Hard

gif123 wrote: »

She wants to be friends etc etc etc... but I would rather not see her again i'm just so pissed off. Or maybe I should stay in contact? Just think it would be a bit weird tbh.

The person doing the breaking up nearly always says this and in my experience, it's just to make them feel better about the whole thing. Make a clean break and move on, is my advice. Staying friends with exes is rarely a good idea.

The only other thing I'll say to you is you seem *slightly* fixated on her feelings (if any) towards your colleague and my advice is just to forget about it. Chalk the break-up down to sexual incompatibility and forget about the colleague or you're going to drive yourself demented.

Saipanne

gif123 wrote: »

Right we had a long talk last night and she's told me she wants to break up.

She thinks the spark is gone and feels that I'm too predictable?! I asked her what did that mean but she said i'm too vanilla in bed for her liking and that she wants a bit of "freedom to explore". She told me that I obviously wasn't comfortable about her threesome idea and that this was the last straw in her eyes.

I was dying to ask her did she have feelings for my ex work colleague but things were already a bit emotional and to be honest part of me doesn't really want to know so I held back.

She wants to be friends etc etc etc... but I would rather not see her again i'm just so pissed off. Or maybe I should stay in contact? Just think it would be a bit weird tbh.

Someone mentioned this is like an episode of friends, ha, didn't see that coming when dating a girl from Mulingar?!

Ah, I think you dodged a bullet there. You seem like a normal, reasonable person. She has too many issues to deal with normal, I'd imagine.

Old Perry

I dont normally post here but thought id give some advice based on my experience of a similar situation( although not sexual but being dumped). just going by what you have posted it sounds like she has placed a lot of emphasis on you and how you and why you have'nt fullfilled her needs. in my experience and in my opinion there much subtler and more humane ways to let someone go (without out and out lieing of course). she obviously recognises that she is not right for you also, maybe you're not so 'vanilla' as much as she is more extreme (for want of a better word). dumping people many times a selfish process but it can certainly be done in an unselfish manner.

my advice here, is that id think she was overly selfish about it and although by the sounds of it some things she said were quite personal to yourself, breaking up is always a two way street (not including abusive relationships etc.. obviously) and you shouldnt let any of this way on your mind, you sound perfectly considerate and caring. What she said was simply a reflection on her own personality and inability to think about what she is saying outside of what she ultimatly wants. not saying shes a bad person or anything but there is certainly more considerate people out there for you.

Niaveee

Relationship is going no where. Go for it if you want

Dial Hard

Niaveee wrote:

Relationship is going no where. Go for it if you want

They've broken up since he posted.

beks101

What was there to the relationship here other than sex OP? You threw a few random token words out...caring, generous blah blah blah...but ultimately you only described your ex's sexual attributes, which probably says it all.

She's not in the headspace for a relationship and only wants fun adventurous wild animal sex with whomever can give it to her the best, and you were so seduced by the sex that you couldn't see your arse from your elbow. The novelty factor of how much it differed from your LTR, etc. I think with hindsight all will become clear.

Whether she's into your ex colleague or not is beside the point now. If it wasn't her, it would have been some other lady/lad, if five months was all it took for her to become bored.

Best decision here was to break up. Hang in there, you'll be grand in time.

rcarroll

My ex did this....wanted to break up cos the sex was boring, claimed it wasn't adventurous enough...we talked and spiced things up in the bedroom...a few months later we broke up for good..at that stage we hadn't slept together in a fair few weeks despite me attempting to seduce him on a few occasions. I was heartbroken and demoralised at this stage. During the break up he admitted that I was the most adventurous ex he's ever had in the bed, that the sex was good, the problem was, he just wasn't that into me and didn't want a relationship anymore.....so I guess what I'm trying to say is, take it on the chin and try not to let it get to you...it's not necessarily a reflection on your ability in the bed or your sexual match...sometimes people just come out with whatever **** story/excuse when breaking up to make it easier or to have a 'reason' to break up...it's not always anything to do with you...

suicide_circus

Personally I'd go for the threesome in full knowledge that your relationship is dead in the water

Neyite

Mod:

OP, now that you've broken up your issue has been resolved so I'll close this now to avoid it moving away from actual advice into discussion.

All the best.