Can I pack it all in?

PearlJ

I am a mother of 2, the youngest is almost 1. My husband and I both work full time.
For me personally, I hate my job, with a passion, I have no confidence or motivation, every day is a new **** storm of stress and patronising conversation. I work in an office with much older women who are not friendly having come from an office with a big gang and lots of friends in my previous job 3 years ago.

I came back from maternity leave at 8 weeks as I was told I wouldn't have a job if I didn't come back.
My husband warned me I would resent them for it and now I do.

I am sick of sitting in an office all day, doing a job I hate and missing out on so much of my children's lives, especially the baby who I feel I never got a chance to enjoy.

I am looking for something else but there's nothing there. I did go on a 4 day week to soften the blow but I have been told that I have to go back on 5 days as its too busy.

I don't think I can take parental leave as I am contract staff, I don't even get sick pay.

If it were up to me I would walk out the door right now but I can't put that pressure on my husband. I have thought about just drawing stamps for a while but bills need to be paid.

I feel like I'm failing as an employee and a mother. Something has got to give.

Dades

If you're doing the finances where you give up work, bear in mind a joint assessment for tax purposes means your husband could use your lower-rate tax bands. It won't be the same as a salary, but it can constitute a significant tax saving on your husbands salary.

This is a good site to throw test figures into:
http://download.pwc.com/ie/budget-2015/index.html

I sympathise with your work situation, but ultimately it's a financial decision.

PearlJ

And therein lies the problem. I know I am going to look back on this time and say I should've packed it all in, they were only small once but when bills need paying you have to be realistic.

pwurple

No one else can answer this for you. Hating work is unbelievably stressful. It's most of your waking hours, and it compounds every thing else going on I'd say.

I'm in the very lucky position to really enjoy working, but there are of course days when it's not so good, and it really takes my mojo. I can't imagine that every day, I'd crack up.

Aim number one must be to change that. There must be some route out of it. A transfer sideways, maybe find out what would be needed to get promoted out of it, change tack completely and retrain for something else.

Moonbeam

could you get a job with more part time hours?
would you qualify for FIS if you gave up?between that and tax credits it might help.

pwurple

Just to mention, you don't need to think of this stuff yourself by the way. If your immediate superior at work can't help you out, there are professional career guidance people. Most people's experience of career guidance is some disinterested teacher in school when they are filling out their CAO... But the private ones are really very useful if you want to change direction, progress or just see what options are available.

Also, take advice on the tax credits and what your net income would end up at if you stopped working. You might be able to manage something.

millie_moo

I've just packed mine in, bills will be paid but other things will have to give. No child care now either. And I'm in the process of applying for fis and hubby's tax credits will change. I'm really just winging it and hoping it all plays out as I could not work another day there or I'd have had a mental breakdown!

Yes money will be a lot less, but my health and time with my kids means more to me.

millie_moo

Sorry new to boards and not sure how to edit?

But a lower income may also allow to apply for medical card, back to school allowance, ect

LegacyUser

I am a stay at home mother, it wasn't by choice i was made redundant and here is my experience of it,

the hardest part honestly is the staying at home all day with the children, when i first did it my husband used come home and give me the "what have you been doing all day?" question while eyeing up the unwashed ware or a pile of clothes, an opportunity for me to work on a two week contract came up so he took two week's holidays and did the stay at home thing, he hasn't asked me that since but it can raise issues when you are the one at home all day,

with us my husband was happier with him working and me being at home, i thought he'd hate having that pressure on him, but he felt more pressure when i was working and he wasn't or when we were both working (me having to ring him last minute when something came up and him having to leave early to collect kids from creche).

so talk to your husband maybe he'll feel happier knowing the kids are at home with you rather than with someone else,

as for the financials? we were paying 900 a month in creche, my husband now collects all my tax credit's which is worth another few hundred euro, he gets just over €100 more than i spend in a month so for us we are saving 1000 a month by having me at home rather than working and he gives the value of my tax credits to me when he gets paid and thats my monthly "salary",

the only downside to this is if you are or will be going for a mortgage not having two salaries will make it harder for you, so if you haven't bought or are thinking of buying then maybe don't give up work,

but honestly i see the huge difference between the children being collected for afterschool, and those who have us parents waiting for them at the end of the school day, and like you said they aren't gong to stay this way forever,

i have seen people in their 40's/50's change career and start again, and while the kids are in school i am volunteering in a job, which suits me as you can pick your own hours and come and go as you need to, so you can keep busy during the school term too and keep some "work" on your cv.

Work will always be there, but seeing your children grow up first hand is priceless and something i thoroughly enjoy, even if it is considered "old fashioned" or goes against the popular trend these days.

PearlJ

You know what stayathomemother, You have really struck a chord with me, you are 100% right. I was worried about the gap in the CV if I go back to work in a few years but you're right, there will always be work.

I am very lucky to have a great husband and I know if I went home this evening and said I wanted to be a professional clown he'd support me completely.

We discussed it last night and I think I have decided to see out my contract ( 6 months ) save what I can for just in case money and maybe look at child minding at home. That way I get to stay at home with the kids and earn a bit to keep us going.

We'll play it by ear but now theres a plan.

Thanks everyone for your advice

Sleepy

PearlJ, between the tax credits, the cost of childcare when you have two kids, needing a second car, ancillary work costs (lunches / work nights out, work wardrobe etc), we found it made absolutely no sense for Mrs Sleepy to work outside of the home when the kids were small.

Since they've both started school, Mrs Sleepy has been childminding a few days a week at home as even the costs of after-school care meant that the net income from her working outside of the home would be minimal. Also, once you're a registered childminder, the first 10k of income is tax-free.

lazygal

Sleepy wrote: »

PearlJ, between the tax credits, the cost of childcare when you have two kids, needing a second car, ancillary work costs (lunches / work nights out, work wardrobe etc), we found it made absolutely no sense for Mrs Sleepy to work outside of the home when the kids were small.

Since they've both started school, Mrs Sleepy has been childminding a few days a week at home as even the costs of after-school care meant that the net income from her working outside of the home would be minimal. Also, once you're a registered childminder, the first 10k of income is tax-free.

This is a really individual decision. I'm not coming out with much after paying for childcare and going to work. I've a decent enough job but I'm only working three days a week so I've had a salary hit. But I want to keep working because I've seen other women struggle to re-establish themselves after taking time out to stay at home. I look on this time, where I'm coming out with about enough to pay for groceries for the week after taking everything else into account, as an investment in myself and my career. We also see our earned income as 'ours' rather than looking solely at what I come home with after paying childcare. My husband also made the children, he has a stake in their care! So combined it is worth it for me to keep my job.

If we budgeted better and decided to stay in our current home for the next ten years, you'd probably look at our finances and say I was crazy to go out to work. But I'd rather keep plugging away now, knowing that in five or ten years' time I won't be trying to retrain or get experience at a lower level than I am now because my skills are redundant. I would think very carefully about giving up work because it can be really difficult to re-enter the sector you left once you've been out of it and at home. My own mother said there were years when she was barely making it break even to work but she was looking at the long term and life after babies and toddlers, and that's the view I take too.

Sleepy

Oh, couldn't agree more lazygal. It really depends on the type of job you have. For us, when the kids were small, it would have been costing us money for Mrs Sleepy to stay working. For others who have specialised skillsets that would become out-dated very quickly or who have high earning potential, it can make no sense at all. You have others who simply couldn't handle being a stay at home parent who are happy to make do without other things in order to keep working even when it makes no financial sense.

Sleepy

Kalman wrote: »

So you are not happy with your job and you feel the need to spend more time with your children. [fine]

You don't get on with your older colleagues and you hate your job. You are stressed and you may well be stressing others.

Hand in your notice and spare your older work colleagues any more stress.
I would talk to someone about this as It rather suggests, deeply underling problems.

Did the OP hit a nerve somehow?

She doesn't find her work colleagues friendly, in fact she finds them patronising and this somehow "suggests, deeply underling problems" rather than simply the unpleasant work environment actually described?

Kalman

Sleepy wrote: »

Did the OP hit a nerve somehow?

She doesn't find her work colleagues friendly, in fact she finds them patronising and this somehow "suggests, deeply underling problems" rather than simply the unpleasant work environment actually described?

You really ought to analyse what she is saying: ["I am sick of sitting in an office all day, doing a job I hate"]

And as she suggested, she is clearly missing her young friends from her previous employment and that does suggest that, that is part of the problem.
You draw your own conclusions...immaturity perhaps? [old and young never did speak the same language]

I simply replied to the post. However, I do not wish to be drawn into a protracted discussion on the matter.

LegacyUser

I packed it in.

I hated my job. It paid well but after 16 years in the industry, I wanted out. I was bored with it, tired of the hours, tired of the colleagues.
I wasn't upskilling, I had settled into a safe and comfortable zone. I needed to do something different.

I quit, spent three fantastic years at home with my kids, retrained and am now working far better hours with a shorter commute. Less money but I love the job. Love the atmosphere and colleagues.

I don't actually agree that it's extremely difficult to get back into the workforce after some years out of it. Retraining, upskilling, changing industry are all achievable.
I know loads of women who've done it. My sister returned to education at 36 and is now a midwife.
Maybe back in the 80s and 90s it was harder, but since the recession thousands have been forced to do this so it's not a dead end choosing to pack it all in.

PearlJ

I think you may be the one with issues Kalman.

It most certainly isn't an age thing. I didn't just have 'young friends' in my last job, I had dear friends who ranged in age from 20 to 65.

I don't impose my stress on my work colleagues as I do my own job and let them get on with theirs. I deal with any problems or issues myself.

I came on here to get advice from other other parents who have gone through something similar not to be psychologically assessed but thanks for your contribution.

mariaalice

couple often the think staying at home and child minding for income is the answer but I don't know I think it deskills and often leads women in to low paid care work (I am not saying minding someone else's children is easy and lacks skill ) if you do it for more than a few years. I know someone who works as a waitress 2 evening a week gets to spend lots of time with her children has some money and gets to meet people, she is also doing a part time course its one option to look at.

the_syco

stayathomemother wrote: »

I am a stay at home mother, it wasn't by choice i was made redundant and here is my experience of it

Off topic, but up to the kid being 12, stamps may get put towards your pension, provided he was born after 1994.

=-=

OP, if you do leave the job, set aside half an hour to an hour a day on up-skilling (when the kid is asleep). This can be reading a book, to getting a degree via Open University.

It just means that when you're back on the job market, you'll have relevant recent certification. It'll also help you not fall back into a job you hate in a few years time.

Jayop

My wife left her job in childcare after we had our second and now minds kids in the house. We're always skint, but that's because we're terrible with money not because there's been a significant drop in our earnings. She's happier at home and we can survive on what I earn and what she brings in from minding the kids.

I am guilty of eyeing up the basket of laundry though so watch out for that!

Hannibal Smith

If you can live on one salary and you really hate your job, i would walk. Half tempted to do it myself today :pac:

I gave up work for 2 years after my second was born and really worried about the cv gap. I took a crappy job last year believing i was below my station because of all the changes that came in while I was gone. In fairness it helped me get to grips with a few changes, so got me the job im currently in, but that gap means nothing now. Im all caught up as much as everyone else.

If you can afford it, do it.

Jayop

Your kids are only young once. You've plenty of time to work when they're in school.

If you want to work then do that, if you don't then do that. Whatever is going to make you and your family happiest is always what's best in the long run, as scary as making the leap is.

Just be careful that you'll be entitled to your stamp if you quit. I don't know the rules but I thought you had to be sacked or made redundant to enable a claim.

cassid

Had a major operation this year and several problems afterwards, so have been off work.

Am just loving spending time with the children. I mentioned the word creche and return to work and the 6 year burst out crying. Will be sitting down with the hubby shortly and working out, is it worth my while even returning to work.

mariaalice

While staying at home with the children while they are small and you are desperately unhappy in work is good maybe part time work is the answer, despite what people are saying it not as easy as snapping your fingers and saying a long gap in you employment history can easily be sorted out by retraining, yes it does work for some people but in my experience they tend to have a high enough standard of academic, and work skills before they left work for stay at home parenting.

The second thing and this is an important point is that unless you have a very secure relationship small tensions about what the stay at home partner was doing all day/why isn't the laundry done/ house cleaner etc. can really affect a relationship.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP, I think you need a new job. I don't think anyone would want to stay working under the circumstances you describe, whether or not they had small kids.

I am a mother too, and I really question the decision to work somedays. But part of me knows while my kids aren't small forever, the other side of that is that I will someday find myself with kids who have no interest in being with me all day long and I'll be left with nothing for myself if I give up work completely. And that day gets closer every day. It's a short period in your life no matter what side you look at it from.

Rather than give up everything right now, could you set yourself a target time of say 6 months to find a new job? And try to aim for companies that you know are family friendly, where there will be less stress, and better accommodation of family life. And maybe if you can't find anything in that time, revisit the decision to give everything up? Or even decide to take a year out and try to find something else in that time.

I would really hesitate to leave a job if I were you. I don't know what your qualifications or background are, but it may not be as easy as you think to get back into work. And while work isn't everything, your kids aren't always going to need you 24/7 either. You are entitled to have a life aswell. So I would consider a few other options before you walked away from it completely. But at the end of the day, you need to make the decision that's right for you, not for the person next door, or down the street, or even for the people on the internet

Elliottsmum79

[/QUOTE]
I sympathise with your work situation, but ultimately it's a financial decision.[/QUOTE]

Ultimately being a financial decision is the problem is it not? I think you sound very deflated and as if you have no options. Depite the exhaustion this might just be the time to look for something part time, consider childminding or after school care for other kids while being a SAHM? You may have more options that it feels like at present. Yes, we all need to pay the bills but ultimately we can pay them if we're dead from stress either! Escape the toxic environment though- doesnt sound like its has any +'s bar a paycheck.

FURET

Do you have a skill that would allow you to do some ad-hoc work from home on your own terms? E.G. If you're an accountant, do some accounting / tax returns on the side to supplement your income.

PearlJ

My background is mostly in PR and Communications so its quite difficult to get anything part time although I would do anything, not fussy.
The main fear is not having a stable job or income - Child minding from home would be ideal but I'm afraid it may sound easier than it actually is.
The current plan is to see out my current contract of about 6 months, do up the downstairs room as a play room and put the feelers out for child minding.

Sounded great, but after another horrendous day, it can't come soon enough. I think it might be better to be broke but happy.

Jayop

PearlJ wrote: »

My background is mostly in PR and Communications so its quite difficult to get anything part time although I would do anything, not fussy.
The main fear is not having a stable job or income - Child minding from home would be ideal but I'm afraid it may sound easier than it actually is.
The current plan is to see out my current contract of about 6 months, do up the downstairs room as a play room and put the feelers out for child minding.

Sounded great, but after another horrendous day, it can't come soon enough. I think it might be better to be broke but happy.

Childminding from home is both tough and great. If you get good kids and especially good parents then it's awesome. If not then it can be a nightmare.