Unwanted attention from a female co worker

SinaWil

Hi all,

I've been searching online for advice on how to deal with unwanted advances at work, but most articles seem to deal with men harassing women?

I started a new job recently.

There's a woman in the office who has begun to make me feel really uncomfortable.

She keeps cornering me, over sharing stuff, asking me to the cinema, go for pints etc.

She won't take the hint and today insisted i take her number when i had politely fobbed her off.

She seems to catch me off guard and i end up rambling as i don't know how to handle this?

Any ideas on how to handle this are most welcome?

Most people find it funny, if it were the other way round it would be a different matter

Tell her that her approaches are not acceptable, that you are not interested, and if she persists, go to your HR department and make a complaint.

allym

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Tell her that her approaches are not acceptable, that you are not interested, and if she persists, go to your HR department and make a complaint.

Exactly this. Whatever advice applies to a woman being harassed by a man, applies to this situation too. It's no different, and it's certainly not funny.

SinaWil

Deleted User wrote: »

Tell her that her approaches are not acceptable, that you are not interested, and if she persists, go to your HR department and make a complaint.

The thing is - she seems to be forcing a 'friendship' upon me, not so much a romantic thing?

(She's American, and quite forward)

After i fobbed her off she instant messaged me - 'Hope i didn't make you feel uncomfortable, people say i'm quite forward'

I messaged back that its ok, and that i had a course on.

Unfortunately, she didn't take the hint and asked me to meet after the course.
I changed the subject and then stopped messaging back.

She cornered me and jokingly berated me for my lack of instant messaging skills, then later on cornered me and said she would send me her number for 'Pints, or whatever.'

I left work sharpish.

I don't know how to handle this.
I have a meeting with my boss next week and am tempted to say something.

She strikes me as being a little deranged (she wanted to tell me all about her 'pervy neighbour'.)

I'm new to the job, want to fit in and keep the head down

Regardless of wanting to fit in, you shouldn't be put in a situation where you feel uncomfortable and right now that's how you're feeling.

SinaWil

Bosbovrib wrote: »

Probably a lesson to us all that blindly trusting people can be foolish. Best of luck OP.

Not so much 'blind trust' as trying to be friendly to co workers when you're the new kid on the block.
Some people tend to just latch on to that...

Joeseph Balls

Instead of engaging her, tell her she's a bit full on and and to tone it down/stop. If that dosnt work then mention it to your boss.

pauliebdub

You really shouldn't have given her your phone number. You're going to have to nip this in the bud. Tell her firmly that you are not interested in mixing work and personal life and try and engage her as little as possible. If she comes over to your desk, tell her firmly that you are busy and can't talk, avoid being around her if you can.

I would mention it to your manager at the upcoming meeting.

SinaWil

Joeseph Balls wrote: »

Instead of engaging her, tell her she's a bit full on and and to tone it down/stop. If that dosnt work then mention it to your boss.

Yeah, that's the approach i think i'll be taking!

cactusgal

That sounds very full-on, even for an American.
(I'm American) :-)

Seriously, that sounds very off-putting. Is she going to be there long-term? I agree with having a word with HR.

SinaWil

Ok, so i just checked my gmail and have a message from her sending me on her number?
(even though i didn't give it to her?')

I'm starting to get a little scared now...

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP,

I recognise the problem from the days of my youth.

Personally I'm not so keen on the HR approach - I'd keep it in reserve.

Could you not distance yourself by mentioning a partner or another friend in your life? They may or may not be real.

~ Can't tonight meeting blah.
~ Blah is over from Spain for a few days so ...
~ Have to get back home to skype Blah

SinaWil

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hi OP,

I recognise the problem from the days of my youth.

Personally I'm not so keen on the HR approach - I'd keep it in reserve.

Could you not distance yourself by mentioning a partner or another friend in your life? They may or may not be real.

~ Can't tonight meeting blah.
~ Blah is over from Spain for a few days so ...
~ Have to get back home to skype Blah

Might do but she doesn't seem to be taking the hint?

I'm a bit of an introvert and this behaviour doesn't sit well with me at all

I'm just going to ignore her for now but if it persists i might have to be blunt

The HR route should be taken if she doesn't get the hint. How did she get your gmail? Do you have a company registry? If someone within the company gave it to her, then that's pretty much a breach of privacy

Adam!038

Im an introvert too, Had one of these nuts in my old job
best thing to do really is be open about it
say your trying to focus on working hard and dont really want friends right now
let her down easy and still smile in the hallways

SinaWil

Adam!038 wrote: »

Im an introvert too, Had one of these nuts in my old job
best thing to do really is be open about it
say your trying to focus on working hard and dont really want friends right now
let her down easy and still smile in the hallways

Thanks for that!

I might say - 'I'm not going out at the moment'

I'm a bit freaked that she contacted me via gmail, find it very invasive, i'm going to ignore her.

Some people just don't take the hint and any communication feeds it

Adam!038

SinaWil wrote: »

Thanks for that!

I might say - 'I'm not going out at the moment'

I'm a bit freaked that she contacted me via gmail, find it very invasive, i'm going to ignore her.

Some people just don't take the hint and any communication feeds it

ignoring might be a bad move incase she confronts you at work and tries to make a big scene... i dont know what to do

you've got a stage 5 clinger

SinaWil

Adam!038 wrote: »

ignoring might be a bad move incase she confronts you at work and tries to make a big scene... i dont know what to do

you've got a stage 5 clinger

She already makes these 'joking' scenes when i don't instant message back,
I'm not sure if i should respond to her email and say i find this quite uncomfortable?
Or just ignore the Annie Wilkes wanna-be and hope he takes the hint?

SpaceTime

Start by being just purely business like and ignore the advances.

If that doesn't work - tell her straight that you're not interested and you find this uncomfortable.

If that doesn't work : HR

SinaWil

Deleted User wrote: »

The HR route should be taken if she doesn't get the hint. How did she get your gmail? Do you have a company registry? If someone within the company gave it to her, then that's pretty much a breach of privacy

I'm assuming you can google a persons gmail?

My heart jumped when i saw the message

retro:electro

Op are you male or female?

SinaWil

Male

Flippyfloppy

I think perhaps calm down a bit and stop giving her 'easily worked around' excuses (in her eyes) If you say 'I'm not going out at the moment' she'll say 'give me your address I'll be over at 8'

You're going to have to bluntly tell her you aren't interested. At the moment she's believing what she wants to ie that you share the same feelings.

SpaceTime

She's American?

Could be a cultural difference.

They're known for their directness about dating as opposed to the Irish approach of hinting shyly that you're interested / not interested.

You're possibly going to need to just be very direct and say no and mean it.

If that doesn't work :HR

nc19

Jesus wept!!

Just tell her that you don't want to offend her but you have no interest in socialising with outside of work.


Simples.

SinaWil

SpaceTime wrote: »

She's American?

Could be a cultural difference.

They're known for their directness about dating as opposed to the Irish approach of hinting shyly that you're interested / not interested.

You're possibly going to need to just be very direct and say no and mean it.

If that doesn't work :HR

She's new in a strange land, looking to make friends etc.

I don't think (at least i hope) she sees me as a potential partner.

It is getting a bit creepy though..

SinaWil

nc19 wrote: »

Jesus wept!!

Just tell her that you don't want to offend her but you have no interest in socialising with outside of work.


Simples.

Easier said than done ol' stock

Shadow1983

If it was me I'd probably start by casually dropping a partner into conversation (even if you don't have one). If that doesn't work then it's HR I'm afraid!

Flippyfloppy

Just reply to her email containing her number saying you don't think your girlfriend would be too happy about taking her number and that you respect that.

SinaWil

pauliebdub wrote: »

You really shouldn't have given her your phone number. You're going to have to nip this in the bud. Tell her firmly that you are not interested in mixing work and personal life and try and engage her as little as possible. If she comes over to your desk, tell her firmly that you are busy and can't talk, avoid being around her if you can.

I would mention it to your manager at the upcoming meeting.

I didn't give her my phone number.
(give me some credit

She somehow found my gmail and sent it on

Is your address firstname.lastname@gmail.com?

SinaWil

nope

Hmm.. Is there any way that she could have easily guessed it? I'm beginning to assume that someone passed on your details to her.

miamee

Try ignoring any communication outside of work (like personal emails) and stay business-like and polite in work.

SinaWil

miamee wrote: »

Try ignoring any communication outside of work (like personal emails) and stay business-like and polite in work.

Thanks!

I'm going to follow this approach.
She is quite 'full-on' though, i'm not sure if this approach will work long term.

I have a meeting with my boss next week and am half thinking of bringing it up.
will see how it plays out

SinaWil

Deleted User wrote: »

Hmm.. Is there any way that she could have easily guessed it? I'm beginning to assume that someone passed on your details to her.

Its actually on my portfolio site, a quick google would have told her, silly me

Matteroffact

All you have to do is ignore her, don't reply to any of her emails. If she asks you out just say no. She will soon get tired of chasing after you.

SinaWil

Matteroffact wrote: »

All you have to do is ignore her, don't reply to any of her emails. If she asks you out just say no. She will soon get tired of chasing after you.

I tried ignoring her and she became 'jokingly' confrontational.

She does this in front of others and puts me on the spot.

After i fobbed her off today, she insisted that she give me her number.

I vanished.

She found my gmail and forwarded it on.

If ignoring her doesn't work i'll take the direct approach

Anything for a quiet life wha :rolleyes:

Matteroffact

Let her send you her number, you do not have to act on it. Do not reply to any of her emails. She will soon get the message. She has now tried everything with no response from you, so you are nearly rid of her.

SinaWil

Matteroffact wrote: »

Let her send you her number, you do not have to act on it. Do not reply to any of her emails. She will soon get the message. She has now tried everything with no response from you, so you are nearly rid of her.

True!

I'll have to ignore her instant messaging in work also, and be a bit more aloof when she corners me.

I think she is unhinged and will not last long in the job (which i fought tooth and nail for)

Hopefully the hand will stay in the glove for now

Tigger99

I'd involve your manager first thing Monday to be honest. I agree that she sounds unhinged. The fact that she has been confrontational (even in a joking way) makes me think she isn't just going to magically stop being fixated on you. What if she muddys your reputation in work with lies?

SinaWil

Tigger99 wrote: »

I'd involve your manager first thing Monday to be honest. I agree that she sounds unhinged. The fact that she has been confrontational (even in a joking way) makes me think she isn't just going to magically stop being fixated on you. What if she muddys your reputation in work with lies?

Cheers!

The thing with crazy people is that you can't reason with them?

My manager is sound and i reckon he'll be on the ball with this.

I'd personally find it somewhat creepy that she looked you up on Google, discovered your portfolio, and then decided to email you. Had something similar happen once, where someone managed to obtain my work email (despite my only giving them my first name and the industry I worked in). Dating sites, never even once.

SinaWil

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd personally find it somewhat creepy that she looked you up on Google, discovered your portfolio, and then decided to email you. Had something similar happen once, where someone managed to obtain my work email (despite my only giving them my first name and the industry I worked in). Dating sites, never even once.

I hear ya!

Its quite creepy and invasive.
I'm going to say something to my boss next week,
i just can't be dealing with this carry on

tinkerbell

There's another thread on here where it's the opposite - unwanted attention from a male coworker (OP was female) so my advice there stands here:

tinkerbell wrote: »

First off, block him on Facebook. Have you added him as a friend? If so, unfriend him. Adding work colleagues on Facebook who you don't really know is a bad idea anyway so just in future, don't add people who you don't know or aren't friends with in real life. Keep your professional and private life separate.

Secondly, tell him to back the F up. You are not interested in him so he needs to stop asking you out and paying compliments as it is making you really uncomfortable.

Only deal with him in a professional capacity - ignore him otherwise. If he still persists, go to your manager.

Do not engage with this woman. Seriously, tell her to back off, that you are not interested in her and she needs to stop with this ridiculous carry on. Then block her from gmail, your phone, etc.

If she won't back the F up then go to your manager. She's harassing you. You deserve a happy work environment where you can be comfortable, not being on the edge all the time worrying about unwanted advances from her.

SpaceTime

Work is work and unwanted attention like this can create serious issues in terms of performance or even absenteeism and create all sorts of office politics that is unwelcome.

While I don't agree with the really extreme 'no fraternising' type policies, what you are describing is straying into sexual harassment territory.

You need to tell her firmly that you are not interested.

If she doesn't respect or 'get' that you need to contact the HR manager or your line manager and explain what's going on.

Most people are quite capable of subtly flirting, being given a hint that it's unwelcome and it goes no further. Some people either can't or won't read those signals so you have to be much explicit in asking them to back off. Which, while awkward is still within the realms of normal behaviour.

If they don't respond to that, then you're dealing with someone who isn't going to accept no for an answer and then you've no option but to discuss it with HR as a serious issue.

You are 100% entitled to work in a non-harassing environment.

nc19

My mate married an American girl he met in work.........

She turned out to be a coke head, alco cheater.......3 kids later he got out. She now has 3 more kids by some OAP



Steer clear man......They're feckin nuts them yanks

SinaWil

tinkerbell wrote: »

There's another thread on here where it's the opposite - unwanted attention from a male coworker (OP was female) so my advice there stands here:



Do not engage with this woman. Seriously, tell her to back off, that you are not interested in her and she needs to stop with this ridiculous carry on. Then block her from gmail, your phone, etc.

If she won't back the F up then go to your manager. She's harassing you. You deserve a happy work environment where you can be comfortable, not being on the edge all the time worrying about unwanted advances from her.

Thanks for the advice!

I'm going to ignore her, and if it perists say something.
I am also saying it to my boss next week - i'd be worried that she could turn nasty and wish him to be aware.

I believe the woman is unhinged and that i am not over reacting in my actions.

cactusgal

nc19 wrote: »

My mate married an American girl he met in work.........

She turned out to be a coke head, alco cheater.......3 kids later he got out. She now has 3 more kids by some OAP



Steer clear man......They're feckin nuts them yanks

Yep, that's how all of us Americans are. Especially the ones you meet at work, right?
Grow up!!

Op, +1 to all of the advice you've received on this thread, apart from this little racist gem from nc19

Tokyo

daveville30 - considering that you are a new poster here, I'd strongly recommend that you read the forum charter before posting again. Responses such as yours are unhelpful, and certainly below the standard of what is acceptable in PI.

nc19 - considering your history in PI and multiple requests to read the forum charter, you should know by now that sweeping generalisations such as the one you posted are not acceptable here. Red card issued, and please don't post in this thread again.

cactusgal - if you have an issue with a post in future, please report it rather than taking pot-shots in thread.

Regards,
Mike