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Confused About my fiancé watching gay porn

245

Comments

  • #52
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    LorMal wrote: »
    Given some of the recent responses here, I am beginning to question some gay people's understanding of marriage.
    Are you seriously suggesting she should not have to know about her future husbands sexuality? I am missing something here?

    If it doesn't impact her relationship with him, then yes, I am saying that. Would you seriously say that you need to tell your partner/ wife every single woman you fancy? No, because some things are private. Would you expect to be told if your partner/ wife fantasized about having sex with another man? Or even another woman? If he is faithful to her, it makes zero difference.

    Being someone's partner doesn't give you a right to be told about everything that happens in their head. If it doesn't impact on the relationship, then it's up to the individual to decide who knows and when.


  • #53
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    If it doesn't impact her relationship with him, then yes, I am saying that. Would you seriously say that you need to tell your partner/ wife every single woman you fancy? No, because some things are private. Would you expect to be told if your partner/ wife fantasized about having sex with another man? Or even another woman? If he is faithful to her, it makes zero difference.

    Being someone's partner doesn't give you a right to be told about everything that happens in their head. If it doesn't impact on the relationship, then it's up to the individual to decide who knows and when.

    I agree with what you're saying if the partner is straight or bi but if the partner is gay and in the closet(which is a possibility here)then the other half deserves to know. The wife deserves a full happy relationship and she won't get that with someone who is gay and in the closet


  • #54
    Cheerful Spring
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,893 ✭✭✭Cheerful Spring


    No straight man watches gay porn sorry if you are watching men have sex you have to be gay.


  • #55
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    kickthecan wrote: »
    The OP is happy with her conclusion to the problem. That was the point of the tread. Get over yourselves trying to convince everyone you know more about this situation. You don't.

    Oh the irony


  • #56
    TheChizler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    Cheerful Spring wrote: »
    No straight man watches gay porn sorry if you are watching men have sex you have to be gay.
    Glad to hear the rules are so clear!


  • #57
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    TheChizler wrote: »
    Glad to hear the rules are so clear!

    Glad you understand


  • #58
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    LorMal wrote: »
    Joey, I'm afraid I disagree entirely. This whole notion of a fluid 'spectrum' is a myth. Nobody is forcing a label on anyone else here.
    The point is that a straight man will not get anything from watching gay porn. In fact, it will be difficult for him to watch.
    If a man is regularly watching gay porn over an extended time frame, he is gay or bi-sexual. He ain't straight. No, nay, never.
    That's not to 'label' him - that's just the facts. And very important for his fiance to know.

    You just said noone is forcing a label and you are not labelling and then you labelled.

    Is Baby and Crumble, a lesbian who enjoys watching gay porn a myth?

    I'm sure I could find hundreds of other examples if necessary. I know we all feel comfortable when people fit neatly into labels. Lots of people do fit neatly into labels. The reality is that many don't!

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #59
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    The OP's fiancé watching a bit of gay porn does not mean he's gay.
    I watched a hot space adventure last night, I won't go into any details but my point is it does not make me an astronaut.

    At the end of the day people even when in a relationship or marriage will have own thoughts and Fantasies as long as they don't act on the fantasy behind the partners backs then i don't see the problem. I never cheated and trust me I watched porn whilst in relationship that i could not act out with my then partner, does not mean I wanted to either, it was just porn nothing more nothing less.


  • #60
    Thar_Cian
    Registered Users Posts: 328 ✭✭Thar_Cian


    Cheerful Spring wrote: »
    No straight man watches gay porn sorry if you are watching men have sex you have to be gay.
    This thread certainly needed more bisexual erasure.


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  • #61
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    The OP's fiancé watching a bit of gay porn does not mean he's gay.
    I watched a hot space adventure last night, I won't go into any details but my point is it does not make me an astronaut.

    At the end of the day people even when in a relationship or marriage will have own thoughts and Fantasies as long as they don't act on the fantasy behind the partners backs then i don't see the problem. I never cheated and trust me I watched porn whilst in relationship that i could not act out with my then partner, does not mean I wanted to either, it was just porn nothing more nothing less.

    So if man marries a women and he is a closeted gay but doesn't act on it you think that's ok? Wouldn't it be fair to say that the marriage is a sham and he is denying her a chance of real happyness.


  • #62
    TheChizler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    So if man marries a women and he is a closeted gay but doesn't act on it you think that's ok? Wouldn't it be fair to say that the marriage is a sham and he is denying her a chance of real happyness.
    Total strawman. Have an honest argument at least.


  • #63
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    TheChizler wrote: »
    Total strawman. Have an honest argument at least.

    So you think it's ok for a closeted gay man to marry a women and deny her of a real relationship. Thought as much


  • #64
    Goodshape
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,488 ✭✭✭Goodshape


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    So you think it's ok for a closeted gay man to marry a women and deny her of a real relationship. Thought as much

    So you have the ability and the right to dictate a strangers sexuality to them based on their supposed porn habits?

    Really?


  • #65
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    Goodshape wrote: »
    So you have the ability and the right to dictate a strangers sexuality to them based on their supposed porn habits?

    Really?

    Nothing supposed about it. And what I said was in relation to what jim said, so you to think its ok for a closeted gay man to marry a women as long as he doesn't act on it. Another women denied a fair shot at life partner.

    Really?


  • #66
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    So if man marries a women and he is a closeted gay but doesn't act on it you think that's ok? Wouldn't it be fair to say that the marriage is a sham and he is denying her a chance of real happyness.


    He watched some gay porn does not mean he is a closet gay man.
    You seem to have problems with this point.

    I was married for over a decade to a woman, I never cheated and I watch gay porn from time to time. And No I am not gay. At least I don't see myself as a "Gay man"


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  • #67
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    Nothing supposed about it. And what I said was in relation to what jim said, so you to think its ok for a closeted gay man to marry a women as long as he doesn't act on it. Another women denied a fair shot at life partner.

    Really?

    Were not talking about closeted gay man... totally different subject.
    Were taking about the OP's fiance who watched a bit of gay porn.


  • #68
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    He watched some gay porn does not mean he is a closet gay man.
    You seem to have problems with this point.

    I was married for over a decade to a woman, I never cheated and I watch gay porn from time to time. And No I am not gay.

    You're the one who says a partner can have feelings but as long as he doesn't act on them its fine the other half doesn't have to know. To which I said thats fine unless he's gay,as he's denying her a chance of real happyness which you yet to answer so you must believe it to be true.


  • #69
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    Were not talking about closeted gay man... totally different subject.
    Were taking about the OP's fiance who watched a bit of gay porn.

    For all we know he could be closeted gay so you can't say we aren't talking about a closeted gay man. So do you think its ok for a closeted gay man to marry women yes or no?


  • #70
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    You're the one who says a partner can have feelings but as long as he doesn't act on them its fine the other half doesn't have to know. To which I said thats fine unless he's gay,as he's denying her a chance of real happyness which you yet to answer so you must believe it to be true.

    Porn, fantasy and "feelings" are very different things.

    Watching gay porn does not equal being gay or gay feelings. It does not work like that. He could be BI and he could be straight and just have a odd sex fantasy about a man.


  • #71
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    Goodshape wrote: »
    So you have the ability and the right to dictate a strangers sexuality to them based on their supposed porn habits?

    Really?

    Yes absolutely. If they are consistently watching gay porn then they are absolutely not straight.
    Isn't the gay community always saying that you don't 'choose' to be gay - it is just how you naturally are? If that's the case then surely you cant 'choose' to be straight if you are gay?
    If this guy is pretending to his fiance that he is straight (when he is obviously bi sexual or gay in denial) then he is lying to her. That's unfair on his partner and no way to start a marriage.
    The Gay community won a great victory for marriage equality recently. I would therefore think they should show more respect for marriage than is reflected here.


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  • #72
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    For all we know he could be closeted gay so you can't say we aren't talking about a closeted gay man. So do you think its ok for a closeted gay man to marry women yes or no?

    Nothing suggests he is closeted gay from what the OP posted.
    Just that he watches a variety of porn including gay porn.

    You are the one jumping to conclusion that he's gay and there is simply noway you can know that, and no evidence has been mentioned by the OP that suggests to me he is.


  • #73
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    Porn, fantasy and "feelings" are very different things.

    Watching gay porn does not equal being gay or gay feelings. It does not work like that. He could be BI and he could be straight and just have a odd sex fantasy about a man.

    'The odd sex fantasy about a man' - bisexual or gay.
    Watching gay porn regularly = bisexual or gay.
    Getting married to a woman = straight.
    He is lying.


  • #74
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    LorMal wrote: »
    (when he is obviously bi sexual or gay in denial)

    :rolleyes:

    Then I must be obviously a lesbian space adventurer from the 22nd century


  • #75
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    Nothing suggests he is closeted gay from what the OP posted.
    Just that he watches a variety of porn including gay porn.

    You are the one jumping to conclusion that he's gay and there is simply noway you can know that, and no evidence has been mentioned by the OP that suggests to me he is.

    Still hasn't answered does he think its ok for a closeted man to marry a women. You said you watch gay porn and you're marriage failed so maybe you're another closet case in denial hence you don't want to condemne yourself. Lol no evidence to suggest he's gay apart from **** to two men having sex frequently.


  • #76
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    LorMal wrote: »
    'The odd sex fantasy about a man' - bisexual or gay.
    Watching gay porn regularly = bisexual or gay.
    Getting married to a woman = straight.
    He is lying.

    Watching gay porn regularly = Fantasy
    Getting married to someone you love = Happy days


  • #77
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    Still hasn't answered does he think its ok for a closeted man to marry a women. You said you watch gay porn and you're marriage failed so maybe you're another closet case in denial hence you don't want to condemne yourself. Lol no evidence to suggest he's gay apart from **** to two men having sex frequently.

    I have not answered because it's not the topic.
    The topic is not:

    "Do you think it's okay for a closeted man or woman to marry and not disclose"

    Happy to discuss that in a different thread with you.


  • #78
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    LorMal wrote: »
    'The odd sex fantasy about a man' - bisexual or gay.

    Nope, just means he has the odd sex fantasy about a man. I have the odd sex fantasy about friends, doesn't mean I actually want to bang them.
    LorMal wrote: »
    Watching gay porn regularly = bisexual or gay.

    Again, nope. Just means he likes it. Again, I am a gold star lesbian, and I watch porn with dudes in it.
    LorMal wrote: »
    Getting married to a woman = straight.
    He is lying.

    Again, nope. He may be bisexual. He may not want to tell his fiance that because he fears it may break up a very happy relationship. Many many people fear bisexuality because they assume being bi = going to shag around. It is so not true. I can't blame him tbh, lots of people on this thread seem to assume that he can't possibly love a person and still have sexual desires for other people. Why is it so hard to understand?


  • #79
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    I have not answered because it's not the topic.
    The topic is not:

    "Do you think it's okay for a closeted man or woman to marry and not disclose"

    Happy to discuss that in a different thread with you.

    Simple yes or no and you don't want to answer because you think its ok. No other reason. You don't want to condemn yourself so I understand


  • #80
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    Watching gay porn regularly = Fantasy
    Getting married to someone you love = Happy days

    Nonsense.

    If you are having gay fantasies, you are not straight. Straight people do NOT regularly have gay fantasies.

    Getting married to someone you love = Happy Days IF they are not lying to you about their sexuality and therefore entering into a lifetime commitment to you with their fingers crossed behind their backs.


  • #81
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    Still hasn't answered does he think its ok for a closeted man to marry a women. You said you watch gay porn and you're marriage failed so maybe you're another closet case in denial hence you don't want to condemne yourself. Lol no evidence to suggest he's gay apart from **** to two men having sex frequently.

    My own marriage failed due to my wife having a nervous breakdown caring for my autistic son. That might sound hash but it's the truth, my wife has mental health issues including long deep depression during that she also went and cheated.

    It's complex but has nothing to do with me watching gay porn.,


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  • #82
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    LorMal wrote: »
    Nonsense.

    If you are having gay fantasies, you are not straight. Straight people do NOT regularly have gay fantasies.

    Getting married to someone you love = Happy Days IF they are not lying to you about their sexuality and therefore entering into a lifetime commitment to you with their fingers crossed behind their backs.

    gay fantasies is just a fantasy. Many have a fantasy now and then, does not mean he/she is going to cheat or not be a good husband/wife.


  • #83
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    Nope, just means he has the odd sex fantasy about a man. I have the odd sex fantasy about friends, doesn't mean I actually want to bang them.

    Again, nope. Just means he likes it. Again, I am a gold star lesbian, and I watch porn with dudes in it.

    Again, nope. He may be bisexual. He may not want to tell his fiance that because he fears it may break up a very happy relationship. Many many people fear bisexuality because they assume being bi = going to shag around. It is so not true. I can't blame him tbh, lots of people on this thread seem to assume that he can't possibly love a person and still have sexual desires for other people. Why is it so hard to understand?

    Is he telling here he is bisexual? No. Do you think they might be a bit of an issue?


  • #84
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    LorMal wrote: »
    Is he telling here he is bisexual? No. Do you think they might be a bit of an issue?

    What?


  • #85
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    gay fantasies is just a fantasy. Many have a fantasy now and then, does not mean he/she is going to cheat or not be a good husband/wife.

    Jim, people have fantasies all the time. If you have a homo erotic fantasy on a regular basis, you are not straight.
    He may not cheat on her. But if he is not straight then the likelihood is that he will.


  • #86
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    He may be bisexual. He may not want to tell his fiance that because he fears it may break up a very happy relationship. Many many people fear bisexuality because they assume being bi = going to shag around. It is so not true. I can't blame him tbh, lots of people on this thread seem to assume that he can't possibly love a person and still have sexual desires for other people. Why is it so hard to understand?

    Why is it hard to understand, I think it's just that some people secretly or not so secretly fear what they don't understand and live with closed minds towards the world around them.


  • #87
    TheChizler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    LorMal wrote: »
    Is he telling here he is bisexual? No. Do you think they might be a bit of an issue?
    Why do you think it's an issue if it's true? You've stated that you think that it's an issue (actually stated categorically that it IS an issue) and been asked enough times why you think this is.


  • #88
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    What?

    Sorry - spelling error.
    If he is not telling her he is bisexual,(in fact denying it) then surely that's an issue? She certainly cares - it's why she posted about it in the first place!


  • #89
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    LorMal wrote: »
    Jim, people have fantasies all the time. If you have a homo erotic fantasy on a regular basis, you are not straight.
    He may not cheat on her. But if he is not straight then the likelihood is that he will.

    How do you jump to the conclusion that he is likely to cheat ?
    I know huge amount of straight women and men that cheat on each other so I would love to hear any proof you have this man will likely cheat.


  • #90
    28064212
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,824 ✭✭✭✭28064212


    LorMal wrote: »
    But if he is not straight then the likelihood is that he will.
    Probably going to regret asking this, but what do you mean by that quote?

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  • #91
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    My own marriage failed due to my wife having a nervous breakdown caring for my autistic son. That might sound hash but it's the truth, my wife has mental health issues including long deep depression during that she also went and cheated.

    It's complex but has nothing to do with me watching gay porn.,

    So you say all that about yourself but won't answer if you think it's ok for a closeted gay man to marry a women? Interesting


  • #92
    syklops
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭syklops


    I seem to have wandered into a thread from the 1930s.


  • #93
    TheChizler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    LorMal wrote: »
    Sorry - spelling error.
    If he is not telling her he is bisexual,(in fact denying it) then surely that's an issue? She certainly cares - it's why she posted about it in the first place!
    And it could be, you know, the truth.


  • #94
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    LorMal wrote: »
    But if he is not straight then the likelihood is that he will.

    You are wrong. You're basically saying all bisexual people cheat. Ok, I know the OP's fiance may not be bisexual, but by saying that if you're not straight, you'll cheat it amounts to the same thing.

    That is incorrect.

    Look, if the OP is even still reading this, just remember, he is still the man you love and no doubt he loves you. Very few people will marry someone in this day and age if they don't love them. He may be confused about his sexuality, and that sucks for you, but he's not deliberately trying to hurt you.


  • #95
    jimdublin15
    Registered Users Posts: 244 ✭✭jimdublin15


    Summertime8989 wrote: »
    So you say all that about yourself but won't answer if you think it's ok for a closeted gay man to marry a women? Interesting

    My own wife and I met in a gay bar so she knew. She was holding a young man's hand at the time who was coming out for the first time. I hit on her and not on him, he was not my type.

    But the thread is not about closeted gay man or women getting married. Start a new thread and ill answer you.

    This is about the OP's situation . Fiance watching a bit of porn on the side.


  • #96
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    TheChizler wrote: »
    Why do you think it's an issue if it's true? You've stated that you think that it's an issue (actually stated categorically that it IS an issue) and been asked enough times why you think this is.

    Because:
    1. he is lying to her about his sexuality
    2. he is likely to act on it eventually
    3. she wants to marry someone stright - which is reasonable given that she is straight
    4. if/when he does have sex outside of the marriage and if he continues to have sex with her, he is exposing her to the risk of STDs
    5. if it turns out he is wholly gay and just in denial she may not have a sex life with him in the near future and will perhaps miss out on having children
    6. because it morally unfair to enter into a lifelong committment on such a serious lie


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  • #97
    Summertime8989
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭Summertime8989


    jimdublin15 wrote: »
    My own wife and I met in a gay bar so she knew. She was holding a young man's hand at the time who was coming out for the first time. I hit on her and not on him, he was not my type.

    But the thread is not about closeted gay man or women getting married. Start a new thread and ill answer you.

    This is about the OP's situation . Fiance watching a bit of porn on the side.

    This thread isn't about your wife either but you love talking about her. You met here in a gay bar. You watch gay porn. Hmmm


  • #98
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    TheChizler wrote: »
    And it could be, you know, the truth.

    No way Jose. Why would any straight man watch gay porn on a regular basis??


  • #99
    TheChizler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    LorMal wrote: »
    Because:
    1. ...
    2. ...
    3. ...
    4. ...
    5. ...
    6. ...
    FYP to leave out some assumptions.


  • #100
    LorMal
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,372 ✭✭✭LorMal


    28064212 wrote: »
    Probably going to regret asking this, but what do you mean by that quote?

    I am probably even more likey to regret answering - Because it is difficult and damaging to suppress your true sexuality in the long term


  • #101
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    LorMal wrote: »
    Because:
    1. he is lying to her about his sexuality
    2. he is likely to act on it eventually
    3. she wants to marry someone stright - which is reasonable given that she is straight
    4. if/when he does have sex outside of the marriage and if he continues to have sex with her, he is exposing her to the risk of STDs
    5. if it turns out he is wholly gay and just in denial she may not have a sex life with him in the near future and will perhaps miss out on having children
    6. because it morally unfair to enter into a lifelong committment on such a serious lie

    I'm done. I can't even be bothered to pick out the complete lies in your list. You need to work on your assumptions about sexuality.


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