What would you do? - Cake dilemma

LegacyUser

My take on it is that there's an established family routine for occasions, one of which is your sister making a cake, and that you and your wife aren't really aware of this because you've not been living here. To be honest it sounds as though your wife is trying to impose her own rules/standards/expectations, on a situation in which she pretty much is an outsider - and then going nuclear when she doesn't get her own way. Of course you and she arent outsiders; but you have been outside of the day to day routine of your family, and are now jumping in both feet first and trampling on a lot of toes.

I really question the blameless/innocent stuff from your wife. I think she is absolutely stoking the fires because she doesn't feel recognised in the way that she thinks she should be. If anyone is trying to be Queen Bee, it is your wife. Her attitude re your fathers birthday is terrible - she's more interested in one up manship that trying to ensure that your fathers day is happy. And I just can't understand how she viewed your sister baking a cake the next time after her was one up manship. That's just a really odd, negative, and quite mean view of the world.

I really think as a couple who have only recently moved back nearer to your family, the onus is on you to fit with their routines and way of doing things. Right now, it sounds like your wife is trying to take over or change how things are done in your family, and people are very understandably wound up by this. Sounds like your wife is not used to having to compromise and get along with others, and is hurtling her toys out of the pram. Did she not want to move back near your family or something?

evolving_doors

Toys & pram wrote: »

My take on it is that there's an established family routine for occasions, one of which is your sister making a cake, and that you and your wife aren't really aware of this because you've not been living here. To be honest it sounds as though your wife is trying to impose her own rules/standards/expectations, on a situation in which she pretty much is an outsider - and then going nuclear when she doesn't get her own way. Of course you and she arent outsiders; but you have been outside of the day to day routine of your family, and are now jumping in both feet first and trampling on a lot of toes.

I really question the blameless/innocent stuff from your wife. I think she is absolutely stoking the fires because she doesn't feel recognised in the way that she thinks she should be. If anyone is trying to be Queen Bee, it is your wife. Her attitude re your fathers birthday is terrible - she's more interested in one up manship that trying to ensure that your fathers day is happy. And I just can't understand how she viewed your sister baking a cake the next time after her was one up manship. That's just a really odd, negative, and quite mean view of the world.

I really think as a couple who have only recently moved back nearer to your family, the onus is on you to fit with their routines and way of doing things. Right now, it sounds like your wife is trying to take over or change how things are done in your family, and people are very understandably wound up by this. Sounds like your wife is not used to having to compromise and get along with others, and is hurtling her toys out of the pram. Did she not want to move back near your family or something?

That might be a bit unduly harsh though. Consider for a moment the background of the wife, she might be from a different family dynamic (who isn't!) .... maybe a family where everybody chips in without question (maybe everybody is expected to too!). And by everybody I mean in-laws too!!
I know there'd be a few families who's in-laws are 'part of the furniture' and everyone loves the extended family all happy thing and that's fine... but of course there's always the opposite end of the spectrum who are like "who's this blowin coming in here with her highfillutin notions... we better show her her place".

So maybe the truth lies somewhere in between.

LegacyUser

Gebgbegb wrote: »

That might be a bit unduly harsh though. Consider for a moment the background of the wife, she might be from a different family dynamic (who isn't!) .... maybe a family where everybody chips in without question (maybe everybody is expected to too!). And by everybody I mean in-laws too!!
I know there'd be a few families who's in-laws are 'part of the furniture' and everyone loves the extended family all happy thing and that's fine... but of course there's always the opposite end of the spectrum who are like "who's this blowin coming in here with her highfillutin notions... we better show her her place".

So maybe the truth lies somewhere in between.

That's a very good point, and I hadn't really thought of it that way. It might well explain a few things.

I still think though that as its not her family, and almost especially as she hasn't been involved with day to day stuff with her in laws, she should calm down, stop trying to impose her way - and try to fit in with their way. At least for now anyway - maybe when the family dynamic has adjusted to them recently moving back, then her need to be more prominent in family arrangements might be more understandable/acceptable. It's clear that her in laws don't understand or accept her actions at the moment, so as a recent addition to their family, I think she really needs to back off.

piperh

Honestly I agree with the other posters here, your wife is not blameless and you are blinded by your feelings for her.

One thing to remember is if you allow this to cause a rift then your wife will always be blamed as the one who came in and split the family up. What happens when/if you have children and yours are the ones left out because having your wife around causes bad feeling.

Your wife needs to toughen up, develope a thicker skin and take it on the chin all while smiling sweetly. It's very hard to find fault with someone who is nothing but nice and helpful all the time.

Your family dynamics have changed while you've been living away, coming home for visits you've been a novelty and the family have made an effort now as a permanent fixture back in the fold it's time for you to make an effort to fit in.

denhaagenite

I can see this from both points of view. Your siblings and your wife are having a power struggle. If you were the focal point of this struggle then your wife would take precedence over your siblings, however your parents (father) are the focal point so she needs to back off. Would you try one- upping her siblings??

The best thing for her to do is to ask them if there is anything she can do to help. If relations are so strained then you should ask on her behalf.

And FWIW I also have a hard time believing the argument that your wife is trying to "defend" herself. Your sister is putting time, energy and love into making a cake for your father, as it seems is now a tradition in your family. Your wife is making an attempt to insult her by not even bothering to make a cake, just buying one. I know it seems ridiculous, in fact it is ridiculous, but she is trying to have a go at your sister/ siblings whether you accept that or not.

ManOfMystery

I was at a family event a few weeks back (my wife's family) where there was also tension and unnecessary drama because 2 female in-laws didn't get on and couldn't see eye because each brought a similar food item.

It's ridiculous.

I agree with virtually everyone else in this thread, if the sister traditionally makes cakes then let her stick to what she knows best and tell your wife to bring something else. Your father's birthday is not an occasion for her to make a statement of sorts, it's meant to be a day celebrating him.

I'll add this also : when you get to the ripe old age of 70, I'm sure you won't give a flying f**k who brings what cake to your birthday - things like this will seem infinitely petty. Tell your wife AND sister to look at the big picture for a change.

MouseTail

OP you should step back and have a critical think before you become estranged from your siblings here.

what your wife is suggesting doing is petty and childish in the extreme. There are two sides to this story. What is her own family dynamic like?

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I was at a family event a few weeks back (my wife's family) where there was also tension and unnecessary drama because 2 female in-laws didn't get on and couldn't see eye because each brought a similar food item.

This thread is a real eye opener, on the one hand I can't understand how people get soo petty over small things and the other hand you look at and go wow if this is all people have to worry about then they have very few worries.

Op you are going to a party bring something like a few bottles of wine or beer rather than nothing but don't let your wife bring a cake just to rile your sister up, it's not the time or the place. From what you have described I don't think your wife is completely innocent here, she seemed to take offence when your sister pushed the bread in front of her and took it like it was meant to mean something.
You say your sister is a dominant character well the best thing to do is to ignore her behaviour and rise above it because if you play into her hands she'll turn everyone against you and you might find yourselves isolated.
The last time I was at an in-laws party, three of us brought dessert and none of them got eaten because everyone was too stuffed by the end of the main course. It's a birthday party for your dad, go and enjoy yourselves.

Help!!!!

Ok so cakegate is over. Thanks for all your advise.

Merkin

Help!!!! wrote: »

Ok so cakegate is over. Thanks for all your advise.

Glad the thread was of help. I'll close it now and if you need it reopened at any stage just let us know. Best of luck.