Sensitive son

quad_red

Hi folks,

Appreciate a bit of advice. We have a lovely, healthy and sensitive four year old boy. But we're starting to have issues in terms of him standing up for himself in group situations. In both creche (2 days a week) and on the street, he seems to be falling into a scapegoat role when certain kids are around.

As in, he plays really well when there are 2/3 'normal' kids his age there. But on both the street and in the creche there are issues when very strong personality kids arrive (one specific boy on the street, two in the creche). They appear to go out of their way to solidify their control of the group by pushing him out.

Spoke to the creche this morning because he was so upset about going. He said one particular boy (who the creche say is 'exceptionally strong willed' - I would have a different way of describing him tbh) is going through his pockets and taking anything he has every day.

Now, I don't want to be a helicopter parent. We talk to him, we have tried to work on his confidence and being assertive. To not tolerate people who would hit and hurt him. But to see him there being pushed out, sucking his thumb watching them after being basically removed - hits me right in the chest.

Anyone have any advice here? Any suggested reading?



Quad

ch750536

Someone is stealing his confidence. It's hard for a 4 yr old to understand that. He needs to listen to 2 things only.

1. It's wrong to do nasty things to other people.
2. Tell an adult.

If he was 8 \ 9 maybe #2 would be
2. Learn how to elbow drop.

but at 4 he needs to understand that there are ways to resolve this and regain his confidence.

mordeith

Sounds exactly like our oldest at that age (he's 7 now but would still be reticent to stand up for himself in a physical way). Out of curiosity is your boy good verbally?

LegacyUser

A primary teacher was talking about this in general conversation recently. The conversation ranged far and wide, but she reckoned parents often need to teach their kids to say no, and tell somebody.

Now that sounds like a very general statement and every kid and situation is different obviously, but I think the point that was being made was that kids should know that it's ok to stand up to somebody and that it's ok to go and tell an adult - that not every kid naturally knows that. Thing is at that age you have to give them the language to do it, if that makes sense. They often just don't know what to say.

Can you talk to the creche, or may be even look around online for a few things that you could tell your son to say in these situations? Maybe walk through a few little scenarios at home with him, where you show him what to say when other kids do things like that to him (particularly the young lad going through his pockets - that's just not on). Maybe focus on that situation first, teach him to say "no" or "you can't have that" or "I'm going to tell XYZ because you're doing that to me". I know you probably don't want him to be a tell-tale either, but there are times when they do have to tell an adult. Give him the language, specific phrases to use. It will stand to him over time, and will hopefully resolve these issues too.

Elliottsmum79

For anyone in this situation, really worth reading "The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them". Can really help with understanding and approaches. A lot of therapists use this as a reference for children who are sensitive. Also Brenee Brownes parenting book, gifts of imperfect parenting. I also think some gentle role-play scenarious at home, where his role is to assert himself might be useful too. Start role playing it as parents ( she took my toy) and letting him observe. Also, getting him to talk about his feelings and name them. I felt angry when Johnny took my book etc.Learning to assert himself with those he knows will make it easier to do with strangers/ " strong willed"children

Elliottsmum79

OP, how is your little fellow getting on?

DeKing

Sounded a lot like my son when he first started school. I cannot recommend signing him up to Taekwon-Do classes or someting similar does wonders for his confidence and self esteem. Also this is a great book to read to him http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bully-Busters-Beyond-Self-Confidence-Self-Esteem/dp/1630473812

quad_red

Hi folks,

Thanks for all the advice. To follow this up, he's really come into himself in the last while. With support (mostly from his amazing mother!), he has gently gained confidence and is much more confident in these challenging group situations than he was.

She did much of what was discussed here - allot of role play. Allot of standing up for himself and saying No. Being assertive. There was a period when we saw a bit of conflict but he saw it through and is able to insert himself into the action even if someone is trying to push him out.

Like watching a penny drop as he told us about standing up for himself. Don't want to make a thing out of it but felt so proud

Cheers,
Quad

LegacyUser

Oh well done, be proud of yourselves too!