Partner has just found out he's a dad

LegacyUser

Myself and my partner recently moved in together. We haven't been together for very long but the timing was right for us. Unfortunately, best laid plans and all that, we've had a hiccup. He has been made aware by a girl he was seeing very briefly last year that he has a child.

The baby is a few weeks old, a paternity test has been taken and it's been confirmed that it's his.

He told me immediately and has been at all times concerned for my feelings in the situation. I never knew my Dad (my Mam married my stepdad when I was very young) and he knows I've a lot of feelings around deadbeat dads, single parents and babies who are an accident!

I don't think he has done anything wrong. And I understand that he should and encourage him to do whatever's right for the child, having as I do a bit of experience of what being an unplanned child is like. I think the child should be everyone's first priority because it has done absolutely nothing wrong.

We've also talked about how this doesn't change our feelings for each other and he has been very clear that he doesn't have any feelings for the mother, etc.

But... and here's the but. I just feel bad about the whole situation. I know there's no such thing as perfect, but rightly or wrongly this isn't a reality I ever wanted. I grew up, despite having an amazing family and friends, knowing that I wasn't planned and having raw feelings sometimes about who or where my dad was or why I couldn't just be a regular, planned child. Being born in the 80s to an initially single mother, I grew up never wanting for much but also knowing that money was an issue in our house and not going on summer holidays and things like that. As a result, I've worked my arse off to be financially independent and I have a lot of feelings on only ever having a child when I can afford it and when it is wanted.

I know that life doesn't always go to plan. But I feel selfish and sad for myself that this is going to affect our future and our family plans on every level. It changes when we can afford a child. It changes what the experience of having a child will be for us - not a shared thing where we can both be excited by every first - smile, crawl, fall - not a first, but something where my partner already has one that did that already. It brings back all of the half-sibling nonsense that I felt growing up.

I know there's nothing to be done to change any of this, and I'm doing my best to just be supportive and not bring my feelings into it because what he's going through must be ten times worse, but I feel so sad and frustrated with nowhere to direct it. I've talked to friends but all they can do is really say 'Yeah, I see what you're saying' because it just is what it is.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting - but maybe somebody can tell me that their partner has an unplanned child out there and it's mother is a dream to deal with and the whole situation didn't wreck their lives for a while?

Or maybe you can just tell me that there are worse things in life and to get over it, because I know I'm having an enormous moan about it, and I am, but it feels very powerless to have something life changing come along that you can do nothing about. And even worse to watch it make the person you love most in the world feel so sad too.

LegacyUser

It's not ideal, but it is definitely something that can be overcome. My husband has a child from a previous relationship. I knew about her before we got together, so in that sense there's a difference. But, all the things you mentioned were still an issue. We could never just decide on Thursday evening to head off somewhere for the weekend. Money was a small issue. At one stage he was out of work, and I continued to pay the child support. We could afford it and I wouldn't have felt right seeing the child every week, having a relationship with her and then denying her money that was rightfully hers. Me and her dad were a team, and we picked up each others slack where necessary.

Now, as for all the "firsts". That is actually irrelevant! I have more than one child, we still get exited at their "firsts"! Even as they are older and involved in activities we are exited at their first show/match etc. He will never live with this child, so he may not actually witness the firsts. A child with you will be a completely different experience for him. He will witness the birth. He will hold the baby when it is a few minutes old. He will be there every day and every night. My husband has an entirely different relationship with our children than he has with his other daughter.

I'm not going to tell you it was always easy. There were various problems with the mother, who he had been in a relatively long relationship with. But they did eventually settle down, and now things are amicable between everyone.

It's not ideal, but it is definitely not the worst thing that could ever happen.

Leo12

You poor thing, that's a terrible shock and has thrown you, I'm sure it would for anyone. The child of course is wholly innocent in all this but I'm wondering how long has your boyfriend known? Has he hidden the mothers pregnancy from you?

Colser

Can I just say OP that he is a very lucky man to have someone as understanding and mature as you ,I doubt that a lot of women would be able to handle the situation as well as you are..
One thing that struck me though is that you seem to think that what hes going through is much worse than what you are so youre keeping your feelings to yourself and I dont actually agree with this.I think what he is going through might be different but not necessarily worse so dont bottle it up,say how you feel and dont feel bad about it...its a shock to you both and will definitely impact on your relationship.I hope all goes well but remember that you are an important person in all this too.

njs030

Op firstly your feelings are just as valid as your partners and holding them in will only damage your relationship. Would you consider some kind of couples counselling to work through it? It could also help you find a way to work out how you will deal with things from now on.

I have a child and if I have another one it won't be any less exciting because I've done it before. Its still my first child with a person I love and who loves me. Any children you have willl be as a couple who love each other.

Lastly and its possibly a stupid late night idea- theres a tv show called rookie blue and in the current series the main character is going through the exact same thing as you....its not real of course but perhaps watching it will help your partner see your point of view if you're not comfortable saying it out loud.

zeffabelli

He's really lucky to have someone so understanding.

First of all you have every right to disengage from all of this. It's overwhelming for anyone.

The reality is he is not going to have the same relationship with the child as a co habitational father or as a father that cares for the mother. That immediately changes the game plan. There will be no first oohs and ahhs.

The first few years are when the deep bonds and trusts are built. He is not living with the child so there is a limit to that too.

And it's very hard to say how he will be. If he is a tokenisatic dad, this potentially could pose triggers for you in your own history but might also help you understand it a bit more? Hard to know.

No life is not perfect and the shadows of the ideal can make things harder, but at the same time everyone is different in what they can handle.

lifeandtimes

I know it's difficult and you seem to be pretty supportive,the way I'd look at it is if this guy is someone who didn't plan this,only found out after the baby was born,told you immediately and is now stepping up to the plate to do what's best for the child. ...that's kind of decent downright amazing person you want to spend the rest of your life with,you could break up with him and scower the earth looking for a childless person who is exact same with those qualities but chances are you might not.

In my book this guys worth sticking around for and helping him through this,it will only strengthing your relationship and show you what type of dad he will be with your kids.

It won't be easy but it will be worth it

eviltwin

Its a massive shock for both of you so give yourselves time to let it sink in as individuals and as a couple. That's going to take some time. Its a lot to deal with and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to stick around but don't do anything hasty either.

I would actually consider getting some counselling on your own to help you explore your feelings. Its going to raise a lot of stuff for you in the future, you hadn't planned a future with kids just yet and now out of the blue there is a child you are going to have to accommodate, you're suddenly a step mother and the ex is now going to be a constant part of your life. That is a huge thing to take in and process without having had any choice in it. There is also the jealousy which is a natural part of it, if in future you plan to have kids he will have done it already with someone else.

It can work out and it does work out for a lot of people and this child can be a wonderful addition to your life but it will take a lot of work in order to get to that point. Its really going to have to be a team effort between the three of you and that ain't easy but its not impossible.

Remember its not a bed of roses for the mother of child either so you probably have a lot more in common with her than you realise.

I think what is most worrying about your post is you are putting yourself and your feelings secondary to those of your partner. Don't do that. Your feelings are as valid as his are and you can be honest about your concerns without raining on his parade.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies everyone, especially those of you who've been kind enough to talk about your own personal situations.

It's comforting to know that nobody would think it wrong if I wanted to call it quits, but I don't feel like that at all. My bf is absolutely the relationship of a lifetime. He's a wonderful guy and this literally could not have happened to a nicer person, so it's definitely just something for us to figure out.

It really helps to know that people think it's reasonable for both of us to have a lot to deal with. I was worried that I was making it about me and sometimes it's hard to figure out whether you're being selfish or not when you're in the middle of a thing and can't see the wood for the trees. We sat and had a big talk about it last night and tbh it was tough and horrible. My reasons for not wanting to put all of my thoughts out there for my bf were pretty much because I knew that he'd feel at fault and feel like he's done this to me and that's what happened. He got very upset about the situation for the first time so it didn't feel great to be the one laying out all the ways in which this is going to affect us, but I'm glad we got it all out there and I think we both believe that it's something we can deal with.

It still doesn't feel wonderful that it's happening and I know I'm going to find it hard to accept the child in my life because as much as I know that it's done nothing wrong and have a good idea of what it's like to be that child, I can't help the hurt of watching my bf have a baby that's just nothing to do with me. But my bigger concern was that it would continue to be something that he tried to deal with alone and keep it out of my way and that in a strange way I would feel isolated or left out. Or worse again that concern for my feelings would make my own bf feel that he couldn't talk to me or lean on me about the biggest thing going on in his life. So I'm glad that it's being handled more openly now.

Thanks again for the space to talk about it.

LOLA08

is the mother of his child ok with you being in her baby's life so early on in the relationship?
and why did she not tell him until the baby was born? sorry just seems odd not to let him know
until after the baby was born.

LegacyUser

Lola, it wasn't clear who the father was so she waited until paternity tests could be taken before speaking to the potential fathers. Seems like a kind enough thing to do, rather than have everyone wonder for nine months.

I don't know how she feels about me being involved in the baby's life but I also don't feel like I will be, that much. I'm a person in my bf's life and so is his baby but I can't imagine a situation where I would be a significant part of the baby's life. My bf will see it little enough as it is and I don't intend to stick my nose into the rearing of the child.

If your point is the child forming any kind of attachment to me in case of any future break up, I don't think that can be helped. Obviously I don't think that we will break up. But there's not much we can do about the possibility. And I'm not really inclined to hide in the background. Our relationship wasn't considered (nor should it have been) when she was deciding to have her child, so I'm not sure how much we can think about how much she will like or dislike my presence when we're deciding to maintain our relationship.

Sleepy

Eva Destruction wrote: »

I don't know how she feels about me being involved in the baby's life but I also don't feel like I will be, that much. I'm a person in my bf's life and so is his baby but I can't imagine a situation where I would be a significant part of the baby's life. My bf will see it little enough as it is and I don't intend to stick my nose into the rearing of the child.

Speaking as a step-dad, don't discount forming a close bond with the child in time. Even when they're not "yours", you do grow to love them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that Sleepy. I certainly didn't mean that I'm setting out to be distant with the kid. I love my own stepdad and I know that step-parents and stepkids can be great, I would just be wary of forcing any involvement on my part. I would never want the child's mother to feel like I was on her turf. And, to be honest, I'm going to be sad enough watching my bf have another family of sorts without pressing the bruise more by trying to get too involved with a child that isn't mine. All I can really do is see how it unfolds.

seenitall

Luckily, very luckily, my own daughter has the step-mother who is the proverbial milk of human kindness personified. I mean, I sometimes wish she would adopt me!

When people are reasonable and kind, OP, stuff works out, and children thrive, even in many less-than-ideal situations.

Best wishes for the future to you and your little blended family!

LegacyUser

Thanks seenitall, he's off to meet them tomorrow for the first time. I suppose all I can do is cross my fingers that everyone is reasonable and kind as you say!