family in-low misunderstandings or a bigger problem?

must_

I got on with my in laws until we got married. Since the wedding things changed dramatically.

All started after we got engaged and start planning our wedding. On the wedding day my sis in low made a scene when the hotel manager came to say hello to us on the wedding day, she left our table (as she was at the top table with us as bridesmaid) and ran confronted the manager in front of us about there being something wrong with her hotel room. We with husband felt very hurt that she done that in the middle of our dinner. I tried to stop her nicely and said 'M please don't do it it's not a right time' but she stomped off.

She is nearly 40 we couldn't believe our eyes. After complaining to manager she came back leaned over me aggressively and try to explain herself, but never apologies to me just to my husband. I put this behind me and kept talking to her as normal, but after wedding she and her brother (my brother in law) always trying to exclude me from conversations etc, when before wedding we all use to get on so well... it broke my hard so many times... for example if they talk to my husband they would exclude me and after conversation look and smile at me... My husband trying to help me as much as possible, but I don't want to get between them either. Me my self I have no family at all, so before we were getting married I thought I've been blessed with new family, but now I sometimes feel that's the worst thing that's happened to me.

It even start getting worse when they got involved their parents who really supported me and loved me at the start. Sometimes now his mum making remarks at me or doing same thing as the siblings. For example my husband wasn't feeling well in in - laws house, his mother offered him tablet, while my husband was taking tablet she kept staring at me and her face got redder and redder... I glanced at her few times as wasn't sure if she was ok, but I was the only person in the room and I still not sure why she become like this... If I speak of myself after we haven't seen them for a long time their would interrupt me and start talking about their daughter my sis in-low. If I say I started attending gym, they would say oh yes 'M' started taking long walks and exercising too. If I make a bread, they would say how she is very good at it.

I don't mind that they talking about her, but I feel I can not be myself anymore. It came to this point that I don't know what to say or how to behave as no matter what I do it seems to cause some kind of misunderstanding... my husband started strangling too as we both confused. I even suggested to him to spend sometime on his own with them, but he said he feels better when I am with him and he doesn't want to start going there on his own...

Anyone has any ideas or reflections to all this, suggestions, please? thanks you already

CaraMay

I think he needs to start going there on his own. It's not fair you are being subjected to this crap. Take a step back, you don't need these people in your life if they are going to treat you badly.

jopax

Its hard to make a decision on what to do going forward when you really don't know why they are behaving like this.
The most obvious thing to do would be to ask them what their issue is.
I think this is up to your husband to do this as its his family so if they respect him they should show you respect also.
If that fails I would just give them a very wide berth, leave your husband choose when and if he wants to visit by himself.
For your own sake and the sake of your marriage don't leave them get between yee.

must_

thanks both. my gut was right I should stay away and stop fighting for the place in their bubble, but my husband keeps asking me to forgive and forget to go there and face them with fresh eyes, which I do, but I feel I keep putting myself for a sloter on their table. My husband has this idealistic idea of all of us being big happy family as I did at the start. I see and accept that they are cruel heartless people in this matter. My heart bleeds for him. Reality hurts...I feel that they just want me to be a furniture. My husband needs more time to come to some kind of conclusion, so I guess I'll be a cabinet for a while :DDDD we stand strong by each other so that gives comfort, but if he goes and asks what's a problem they say it's me. They got so smart they don't say or do anything when he's around, so I really stand no chance here of solving something out. I think it's the dead end it can not be resolved, but have to be left be... but how do I go of being cabinet 12 times a year at least... it's sounds painful...? any ideas?

PinkLemonade

I don't know OP, the wedding incident sounds a bit strange, but the other incidents you mention might just be in your head or a product of the tension from the wedding incident.
Try get along with everyone if you can, it takes a lifetime for family dynamics to develop, it's not always easy to walk into a family and find your place.
There's another thread here with a similar sounding family in law problem (more cake though), the advice there might be useful too.

must_

PinkLemonade wrote: »

I don't know OP, the wedding incident sounds a bit strange, but the other incidents you mention might just be in your head or a product of the tension from the wedding incident.
Try get along with everyone if you can, it takes a lifetime for family dynamics to develop, it's not always easy to walk into a family and find your place.
There's another thread here with a similar sounding family in law problem (more cake though), the advice there might be useful too.

yes sure, but were do you go when you feel sucked in their ways when you start unbecoming everything you was and becoming this product of their resentment and other poo poo? this can not be called getting on or fitting in - this is in reality (if you ready to face it) called being alienated, exorcised by people with abnormal boundary sense... they called toxic people also... there is no way you can please someone like this, unless you sit still and make no sound like cabinet...

PinkLemonade

must_ wrote: »

yes sure, but were do you go when you feel sucked in their ways when you start unbecoming everything you was and becoming this product of their resentment and other poo poo? this can not be called getting on or fitting in - this is in reality (if you ready to face it) called being alienated, exorcised by people with abnormal boundary sense... they called toxic people also... there is no way you can please someone like this, unless you sit still and make no sound like cabinet...

Your language is very negative, would you consider counselling? You don't sound in a good place right now

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with the other poster. A lot of the things you mention could be misunderstandings.

Are you and your husband from the same culture? My OH and I aren't and sometimes that can lead to misunderstandings. When I visited his family, I would get embarrassed because they weren't used to someone with Irish skin (super pale!) and would mention how red I was all the time (I was hot). You mentioned that your sister-in-law was getting red and that reminded me of how they interpreted something as unusual just because they weren't used to me.

Could you be picking up these things wrong? You mention that they talk about the sister-in-law when you tell them things. My own mother does this. She always brings up another member of the family/acquaintance that is doing/has done something similar.

must_

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Your language is very negative, would you consider counselling? You don't sound in a good place right now

thanks for your observation and concern, but I refuse to be victimized I think they need to see counselor, that's for sure! :DDDD
I am in happy place with myself and my relationship with my husband and where I am at the moment in my life...
I do not like these moments when I have to start from zero every time I go to see family and comeback with -5 and not everything is negative but not enough to pay back -5...
I know what I see I don't deny I can misread things I accept my limitations, my insecurities my weaknesses
I accept imperfect in me or others.

I know what I need - to be accepted as a human being for who I am not for who someone wants me to be or someone they don't want me to be... not to be poked or my buttons pushed at all the time... if i'm not accepted that's fine too, but I do not want to be around people who says they care, but act different

or act because they can't help themself

I can not accept same continuous digs at me that are not just misunderstandings or created by me, but mean ... I even tried to be like this with them treat mean, maybe they'll know how it feels, but they kept continuing...yes you can say I am as bad as them, that's fine too

btw I wanted to ask you to explain more about what do you mean when you say I should try to get on? could you describe this to me? 'getting on' thing in this situation?

i know it's quite impossible for you as not much inside is here, but I would appreciate if you have a try...

I did try for a long time to get on with sis in low (as we used to before wedding) I invited to go shopping, for a coffee, try to include in our family social life (invited to places we went ) I always got same answer after wedding, yes sure that would be nice, but no any reply... if I asked her after is she is ok - she would just smile at me with no answer... and when she sees that I get confused with her behaviour - her face lights up, like she had orgasm and walks away...
I tried sooooooooo hard to stay away try to agree with her - she would even more ignore me. She has same problems with other sis in low, which about I tried not to judge her, but everything she said about her it's start falling into places now. She start falling out with her after my husbands brother married her... They don't talk to each other... my husband brothers wife never visits his parents... sound like my story now... I think I did everything in my power as far as I know, but if someone doesn't want relationship with you it's nothing I can do more... I am not a victim and I believe in what I see and who I am. I can pretend I don't hear remarks they make or push my buttons, but it is exhausting situation to be in... that's why I say it can not be resolved I am not here to change them not at all, but feels like unfair situation to be in... and yes life is unfair, but me and my husband deserve better behaviour that's for sure... I really do not care or am emotionally involved after today. I letting it go and be. I done all I can. What my husband does it's his decision. No more getting emotionally or plans wise involved will keep to myself. Myself company is the best we can give ourselves sometimes. I have husband who stands by me and supports in everything else. Families are overrated that's for sure. Freedom is what is real, not being enclosed by any families rules or try to walk on eggshells around at all the time just because they feel guilty or ashamed and can not move on. Yes I can give them time, but its all left to give... or I can have some self respect and just stay away ))))

must_

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I agree with the other poster. A lot of the things you mention could be misunderstandings.

Are you and your husband from the same culture? My OH and I aren't and sometimes that can lead to misunderstandings. When I visited his family, I would get embarrassed because they weren't used to someone with Irish skin (super pale!) and would mention how red I was all the time (I was hot). You mentioned that your sister-in-law was getting red and that reminded me of how they interpreted something as unusual just because they weren't used to me.

Could you be picking up these things wrong? You mention that they talk about the sister-in-law when you tell them things. My own mother does this. She always brings up another member of the family/acquaintance that is doing/has done something similar.

thanks and I do agree with you and it does make sense what you trying to say, but these little details are not important I do understand it can be taken wrong by me
I do pick up well on peoples intentions I was always good at it and wrong at it too, but I think it's right this time, that's why it explains why they stopped pushing my buttons in front of my husband... that's the proof there, if it was unintentional or I am seeing things their would not change their behavior, but they did, that means I am not seeing things - it is true that they dig at me
I read that sometimes family members might feel like this towards wifes or husbands, because that they resent my closeness with him that they can not have... as he doesn't have close relationship with him for many years now... so that might be hurting them to see that I'm closer to him... but if he tries to make more time for them they not that interested - you can not please some ppl thats for sure
I say give a time they might use to it and stay away for now that's safest place for me to be in

njs030

Are you Irish op? Your writing style doesn't seem Irish so I wonder could your interpretation of their behaviour be part of the confusion.

PinkLemonade

must_ wrote: »

thanks for your observation and concern, but I refuse to be victimized I think they need to see counselor, that's for sure! :DDDD
<SNIP>

It sounds like you've made up your mind on this. Good luck OP, just try not to burn any bridges that you'll regret one day

denhaagenite

Being a person who spends a lot of time communicating with people in a language that isn't their own, and indeed communicating in a language that isn't my own, and reading what you have written here I can see how easy it is to have misunderstandings.

I think the beginning of this was a cultural problem. Vocal language goes far beyond what we are actually saying. It also extends to our body language, and has an effect on how we react to things. Just some examples.

Obviously when your sister in law was causing a scene in the hotel she was being petty and irritating, but when you said "M please don't do it it's not a right time", it would come across to me like you were over exaggerating her reaction- it's like telling a woman to 'relax' :pac:. It sounds like you were "handling" her, and that is infuriating. If there's a problem with her room, why wouldn't she try to get it solved? Why is she not allowed to make a complaint? It was your big day and rather than complain to you about it, she took it to the person who was supposed to be responsible for it for which you treat her like she's a head case.

Why is it an issue if your sister in law is exercising or baking bread? Are you ultra sensitive to anything which is said about her? If it was my sister in law, my reaction would be "I should ask her if she wants to go for a jog/ if she can give me a recipe".

In general, I think you may be blowing things out of proportion. Sure, the situation doesn't sound comfortable but in the grand scheme of family so far these occurrences are quite minor. You mention that you were really happy about having a new family but the thing is it takes time for this to happen, it doesn't just happen because you get married. You need to learn when is the right time to do or say xyz. They've known their son a) longer than you have and b) longer than they've known you. We should always respect and be respected by our in laws, however love needs to be earned. None of us choose each other.

kylith

There are two options that I can see here; 1) You are in the midst of a cultural misunderstanding. What you see as slights may just be because of the way Irish people communicate with each other, especially in a family dynamic. We tend to tease and take the piss as signs of affection and these can be misread by people not familiar with it. 2) They actually don't like you. They never really liked you but they played nice while you were just the girlfriend because they didn't expect it to last and now they're 'stuck with you' they masks have slipped.

must_

denhaagenite wrote: »

Being a person who spends a lot of time communicating with people in a language that isn't their own, and indeed communicating in a language that isn't my own, and reading what you have written here I can see how easy it is to have misunderstandings.

<SNIP>

it sounds you have no experience (similar to mine) in this matter for sure, but thanks for opinion

i do not think thing just going to happen - i was surprised why so quickly they changed that's all, but i do not expect you to understand

yes it does sound like it's been blown out of proportion, but yes THEY did blow 'me being in family' out of proportions with they heartfull remarks and behaviour.
I'm not saying it's the end of the world I'm saying I never let anybody in my life treat me like this and they won't be the first ones I have more self respect and they don't respect themselves at all
some people don't have boundaries or manners, that's why it became into what it is

so you say she should be able to do whatever she wants at any time she wants, but I have to like you said 'You need to learn when is the right time to do or say xyz.' you sound like hypocrite sorry

if they don't have healthy boundaries that's definitely not my problem
if someone comes into your party and starts making drama that's not OK that is disrespectful, unless you have no basic social skills, or being spoilt so you think you can spit into people's faces and people still have to come and be ok with it - it doesn't work like this in real life
if she gets away with being rude at home doesn't mean people from outside they unhealthy family bubble will be ok with it
she could complained at reception like an grow up and not bringing isue and blowing out of proportion with manager

they are nobodies to me, so i really not bothered anymore
i moved on - let them be - who cares - just wanted some opinion from people who went through similar things

must_

kylith wrote: »

There are two options that I can see here; 1) You are in the midst of a cultural misunderstanding. What you see as slights may just be because of the way Irish people communicate with each other, especially in a family dynamic. We tend to tease and take the piss as signs of affection and these can be misread by people not familiar with it. 2) They actually don't like you. They never really liked you but they played nice while you were just the girlfriend because they didn't expect it to last and now they're 'stuck with you' they masks have slipped.

yes I agree with you
it was some misunderstandings like I said in earlier post, but
i think they just been fake nice with me and played nice and now masks have slipped, but that's ok at least i know where i stand now
alleluia

R.D. aka MR.D

I'm sorry, OP but you are coming across as really stand-offish. Do you realise that? Can you see how the language you are choosing to use could be jarring to a native speaker?

I'm actually an ESL teacher so I totally understand the difficulties of learning the correct 'register' in English or simply the way that we phrase things in order to not be 'rude'.

I would be willing to bet that you unintentionally did something to rub these people up the wrong way and that would explain the sudden change.

People here have given you their opinion based on their cultural context. You actually never mentioned if this was a problem with an Irish family but the majority of people are Irish on this site and they have given you their opinion. Of course they aren't in your exact position. Nobody is!

must_

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I agree with the other poster. A lot of the things you mention could be misunderstandings.

Are you and your husband from the same culture? My OH and I aren't and sometimes that can lead to misunderstandings. When I visited his family, I would get embarrassed because they weren't used to someone with Irish skin (super pale!) and would mention how red I was all the time (I was hot). You mentioned that your sister-in-law was getting red and that reminded me of how they interpreted something as unusual just because they weren't used to me.

Could you be picking up these things wrong? You mention that they talk about the sister-in-law when you tell them things. My own mother does this. She always brings up another member of the family/acquaintance that is doing/has done something similar.

I feel that parents also have a lot of negative affect in situation.
they do that to mu sis in low too and she said herself that it feels like they trying to cause friction between me and her
when they with her in the room - they say how good i am, how i am looking good after house and myself
when i am in the room with them they say how good she is and ect

'When parents focus more love and attention on one child in front of other, all the children begin to feel that their parents' behavior is unfair and unpredictable, which creates resentment and uncertainty. It also affects sibling relationships, leading to higher levels of anger and aggressiveness.'

that explains why siblings can't get on and i sometimes feel i get in crossfire

must_

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I'm sorry, OP but you are coming across as really stand-offish. Do you realise that? Can you see how the language you are choosing to use could be jarring to a native speaker?

I'm actually an ESL teacher so I totally understand the difficulties of learning the correct 'register' in English or simply the way that we phrase things in order to not be 'rude'.

I would be willing to bet that you unintentionally did something to rub these people up the wrong way and that would explain the sudden change.

People here have given you their opinion based on their cultural context. You actually never mentioned if this was a problem with an Irish family but the majority of people are Irish on this site and they have given you their opinion. Of course they aren't in your exact position. Nobody is!

first things first, you are being teacher now that's why you sound so very patronising, so i am not a schoolgirl just wanted to remind you and i don't like how you come here on me with how things have to be spelled or said
when you will write in my language this level as i'm writing in yours when we can have this conversation

it is has nothing to do with cultural differences
if you got to china, france, america
it is the same thing - if you start making drama at someones wedding that is counted as disrespectful and rude

you sound like you don't like people who speak their mind and not scared to stand up for themselves

if you think i rub someone wrong way? thats fine too
i don't say i didn't rub them wrong way
i don't say i'm right or they wrong
i'm saying that hurtful comments been made with no reason
if i said something first and they snapped back at me i would take it on the chin, but most of the time it would be from nowhere

they just resent me, because they don't have close relationship with their son
they are doubled faced unhappy people stuck in their rot with unhealthy boundaries and no self respect

OneOfThem

It really really comes across like you took a dislike to these people over pretty much nothing, and are now outraged that they haven't continued to make an effort to be as nice to you as before when it's probably quite clear you dislike them and apparently look down on the lot of them.

I think you're the problem. Not them. And you've just dug your own grave in relation to the situation. I kind of feel sorry for your husband in all this.

I think it'd probably be best if you just don't socialise with his family, and keep your opinions of them to yourself, so that you don't cause problems for him and his relationship with them.

R.D. aka MR.D

must_ wrote: »

when you will write in my language this level as i'm writing in yours when we can have this conversation

it is has nothing to do with cultural differences
if you got to china, france, america
it is the same thing - if you start making drama at someones wedding that is counted as disrespectful and rude

you sound like you don't like people who speak their mind and not scared to stand up for themselves

First of all, I teach adults and children so I have no intention of treating you like a schoolgirl. You have come here to ask a question and invited opinions. I personally think that the way you express yourself in English might have something to do with the difficulties that you are having.

Well, of course I don't speak your language (well, maybe I do but you haven't mentioned which one so how could I possibly know). This is a forum where the language is English. In general, people ask questions related to Ireland, Irish situations. I haven't sought you out in your own language.

I think the point that you are missing is that what you consider 'drama' might not be the same as other people. What you are interpreting as slights might not be. Surely that is why you posted here, to get opinions.

I honestly apologise if I have offended you in any way. However, my post came from a place of good intentions as all my posts in Personal Issues. Your reaction to my post seems a little bit extreme, are you sure that isn't what's happening with the family? You're picking up their intentions wrong?

must_

OneOfThem wrote: »

It really really comes across like you took a dislike to these people over pretty much nothing, and are now outraged that they haven't continued to make an effort to be as nice to you as before when it's probably quite clear you dislike them and apparently look down on the lot of them.

I think you're the problem. Not them. And you've just dug your own grave in relation to the situation. I kind of feel sorry for your husband in all this.

I think it'd probably be best if you just don't socialise with his family, and keep your opinions of them to yourself, so that you don't cause problems for him and his relationship with them.

Thanks, I tried to be nice and let to slide things what they say what they do, but how much is enough? I accept them for who they are and trying to understand their behavior, but that doesn't mean I have to put myself amongst them.

This been building over the years, I did care of them that's why wanted to understand why they are like this. I do understand now why they are acting like this and I see that they can not constructively deal with changes in their family.

I don't want them to be nice to me as it looks like they been doubled faced all this time anyway at least I know where I stand now.

Sis in low just jealous that I have happy marriage and she doesn't . She can't deal in healthy and non-destructive ways that I'm new addition to the family in female form. Simples. I don't look down on them I face reality for who they really are. Yes they have good side to them, but their toxic behavior can not compensate for it - not at the moment.

I have a right to have an opinion, like they have opinion about me. You sound really hypocrite, because you say they have a right to act the way they want to , but I can't. I think if you give sh*t to other people, but don't want to take it, that means you are the problem.

I can take on the chin if I was wrong and apologies and move on, they can't.

You say they can give me sh*t and I have to take it, but if I give them sh*t that's wrong? I should stay away.

As from one human being to another I don't expect you to understand, as it looks like you have no similar experience in this matter.

I didn't take offence I am trying to work out where I am standing and what I want from all this, so I can move on.

As I did.

OneOfThem

must_ wrote: »

Thanks, I tried to be nice and let to slide things what they say what they do, but how much is enough? I accept them for who they are and trying to understand their behavior, but that doesn't mean I have to put myself amongst them.

This been building over the years, I did care of them that's why wanted to understand why they are like this. I do understand now why they are acting like this and I see that they can not constructively deal with changes in their family.

I don't want them to be nice to me as it looks like they been doubled faced all this time anyway at least I know where I stand now.

Sis in low just jealous that I have happy marriage and she doesn't . She can't deal in healthy and non-destructive ways that I'm new addition to the family in female form. Simples. I don't look down on them I face reality for who they really are. Yes they have good side to them, but their toxic behavior can not compensate for it - not at the moment.

I have a right to have an opinion, like they have opinion about me. You sound really hypocrite, because you say they have a right to act the way they want to , but I can't. I think if you give sh*t to other people, but don't want to take it, that means you are the problem.

I can take on the chin if I was wrong and apologies and move on, they can't.

You say they can give me sh*t and I have to take it, but if I give them sh*t that's wrong? I should stay away.

As from one human being to another I don't expect you to understand, as it looks like you have no similar experience in this matter.

I didn't take offence I am trying to work out where I am standing and what I want from all this, so I can move on.

As I did.

Similar as to what Mr. D says above, you seem to have misinterpreted quite a bit of what I have said, become very defensive because of these misinterpretations, and then responded by making slights.

This seems to be your personality. And I would guess is the case of the problems you have caused with your in-laws. But you don't seem to want to consider that this is a possibility. So proceed as you intend to proceed.

must_

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

First of all, I teach adults and children so I have no intention of treating you like a schoolgirl. You have come here to ask a question and invited opinions. I personally think that the way you express yourself in English might have something to do with the difficulties that you are having.

Well, of course I don't speak your language (well, maybe I do but you haven't mentioned which one so how could I possibly know). This is a forum where the language is English. In general, people ask questions related to Ireland, Irish situations. I haven't sought you out in your own language.

I think the point that you are missing is that what you consider 'drama' might not be the same as other people. What you are interpreting as slights might not be. Surely that is why you posted here, to get opinions.

I honestly apologise if I have offended you in any way. However, my post came from a place of good intentions as all my posts in Personal Issues. Your reaction to my post seems a little bit extreme, are you sure that isn't what's happening with the family? You're picking up their intentions wrong?

Thanks, I agree some thing might be misunderstood, I just wasn't sure where I stand in all this situation. I appreciate all comment as I learned a lot about myself in these 2 days. If I responded extreme i do apologize too. It was intense these few days working out what is better for me and my husband, as my biggest fear is to cause any more problems. So I'll just stay quiet and see what happens. I don't want to be treated like doormat... but i don't know how to stand up right by not offending them...

denhaagenite

must_ wrote: »

it sounds you have no experience (similar to mine) in this matter for sure, but thanks for opinion

i do not think thing just going to happen - i was surprised why so quickly they changed that's all, but i do not expect you to understand

Actually I do. Parents in law who are affected by alcohol and mental illness, a sister in law in denial, caught in the middle and to an extent a bit jealous of her big brother's new girlfriend. Took a long time, a lot of politics and tongue biting but we got there because really, my pride is not as important as my husband's well being. Neither is a need for me to be right. Even now I'm mindful of her feelings because that's just what families do for eachother.

must_ wrote: »

so you say she should be able to do whatever she wants at any time she wants, but I have to like you said 'You need to learn when is the right time to do or say xyz.' you sound like hypocrite sorry
if they don't have healthy boundaries that's definitely not my problem

I think your boundaries are unhealthy if you think a family is going to consider a virtual stranger's feelings over their own daughter. We all have to take time to settle into any new social or personal group. This even happens at work! I'm sorry if you think this is hypocritical, but it's just life.

must_ wrote: »

if someone comes into your party and starts making drama that's not OK that is disrespectful, unless you have no basic social skills, or being spoilt so you think you can spit into people's faces and people still have to come and be ok with it - it doesn't work like this in real life
if she gets away with being rude at home doesn't mean people from outside they unhealthy family bubble will be ok with it
she could complained at reception like an grow up and not bringing isue and blowing out of proportion with manager

I don't even know where to start with this. You have an extreme amount of vitriol for your sister in law. I think it's dramatic to refer to a complaint to management of an establishment that she's staying in as "spitting into people's faces"

must_ wrote: »

they are nobodies to me, so i really not bothered anymore
i moved on - let them be - who cares - just wanted some opinion from people who went through similar things

And there we have it. Between this and your replies to other posters, it is very clear that you have no interest in improving the relationship, and to be honest you come across as being quite narcissistic. If I were you I would just for a second consider your husband because he's the only loser in this. Or if it appeals to you more, you are limiting your own chance of having a family network and to learn to deal with your problems in a dignified way.

must_

OneOfThem wrote: »

Similar as to what Mr. D says above, you seem to have misinterpreted quite a bit of what I have said, become very defensive because of these misinterpretations, and then responded by making slights.

This seems to be your personality. And I would guess is the case of the problems you have caused with your in-laws. But you don't seem to want to consider that this is a possibility. So proceed as you intend to proceed.

you seems to want to and do understand them, but really just judging me without even trying to relate to me how hard my position is
your personality sound like you take sides
and when i judge you - you don't like it
you call me the problem, but if i call you the person who gives sh*t and can't take it you don't like it

it is normal to get defensive if someone pushing your buttons for a few years
trying to alienate and exorcise you, because they can not constructively deal with changes
who would not get defensive or confused?

if you walk on the same street every day to shop and someone will throw at you eggs everyday
how long you will take that?

ShaShaBear

must_ wrote: »

you seems to want to and do understand them, but really just judging me without even trying to relate to me how hard my position is
your personality sound like you take sides
and when i judge you - you don't like it
you call me the problem, but if i call you the person who gives sh*t and can't take it you don't like it

it is normal to get defensive if someone pushing your buttons for a few years
trying to alienate and exorcise you, because they can not constructively deal with changes
who would not get defensive or confused?

if you walk on the same street every day to shop and someone will throw at you eggs everyday
how long you will take that?

Honestly - I'm just going to bite the bullet and say it.

You asked for advice. Every single person that has given it has been insulted, ridiculed, put down and chastised by you as a result. You have resorted to name-calling, even using starred out bad language to tell every single person here that they are wrong and you are clearly right.
If this is the way you are treating your in-laws, it's no wonder they don't like you!

denhaagenite

must_ wrote: »

I have a right to have an opinion, like they have opinion about me. You sound really hypocrite, because you say they have a right to act the way they want to , but I can't. I think if you give sh*t to other people, but don't want to take it, that means you are the problem.

I can take on the chin if I was wrong and apologies and move on, they can't.

You say they can give me sh*t and I have to take it, but if I give them sh*t that's wrong? I should stay away.

As from one human being to another I don't expect you to understand, as it looks like you have no similar experience in this matter.

You're repeating this over and over. We haven't come here looking for advice, you have. We give advice (sh*t?), you don't like it, you attack us. That's what's happening here.

Is it really so difficult for you to accept that you don't always do the right thing??

must_

denhaagenite wrote: »

Actually I do. Parents in law who are affected by alcohol and mental illness, a sister in law in denial, caught in the middle and to an extent a bit jealous of her big brother's new girlfriend. Took a long time, a lot of politics and tongue biting but we got there because really, my pride is not as important as my husband's well being. Neither is a need for me to be right. Even now I'm mindful of her feelings because that's just what families do for eachother.



I think your boundaries are unhealthy if you think a family is going to consider a virtual stranger's feelings over their own daughter. We all have to take time to settle into any new social or personal group. This even happens at work! I'm sorry if you think this is hypocritical, but it's just life.



I don't even know where to start with this. You have an extreme amount of vitriol for your sister in law. I think it's dramatic to refer to a complaint to management of an establishment that she's staying in as "spitting into people's faces"



And there we have it. Between this and your replies to other posters, it is very clear that you have no interest in improving the relationship, and to be honest you come across as being quite narcissistic. If I were you I would just for a second consider your husband because he's the only loser in this. Or if it appeals to you more, you are limiting your own chance of having a family network and to learn to deal with your problems in a dignified way.

This is where you getting it all wrong. I do not want special treatment, I do not want to be more important then their daughter. i just want remarks to stop and constant digging. I do not feel I'm special or it's all about me. I do trying to protect myself.
You sound like narcissistic person yourself and projecting this onto me, beauce for you the most important thing is to be right. I say it's teaches thing here playing up...
it's not 'right or wrong' situation here
it's sad that people instead of judging would try understand what you going through instead of taking sides and wanting to right only
you say I have to take an abuse from people, because they think they boundaries are right?
i don't think so
i think i have a right to make my own decision on my own terms whats right for me not what you think is right

all these 2 years i tried to understand why might be the reason and I found it now

anyway thanks for your input i appreciate it

must_

btw FAO all 'hellper' I did ask for opinion on situation not judgment
thanks

must_

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Honestly - I'm just going to bite the bullet and say it.

You asked for advice. Every single person that has given it has been insulted, ridiculed, put down and chastised by you as a result. You have resorted to name-calling, even using starred out bad language to tell every single person here that they are wrong and you are clearly right.
If this is the way you are treating your in-laws, it's no wonder they don't like you!

so them they put me down and call me a problem and ect you thing I can not speak for myself
I asked opinion on situation not judgment day
read definition on those too

I'm not right, I said and agreed I misunderstood things and I might caused some damage too

you sound like you want to be the right one here
stop projecting your problems on me

it was a lot of answers where people didn't judge but gave their opinion and advice on situation, but didn't start judging me ect

you are welcome to leave and not to read this thread if you don't like it

take care

PinkLemonade

must_ wrote: »

so them they put me down and call me a problem and ect you thing I can not speak for myself
I asked opinion on situation not judgment day
read definition on those too

I'm not right, I said and agreed I misunderstood things and I might caused some damage too

you sound like you want to be the right one here
stop projecting your problems on me

it was a lot of answers where people didn't judge but gave their opinion and advice on situation, but didn't start judging me ect

you are welcome to leave and not to read this thread if you don't like it

take care

Your responses are increasingly hostile, which I think is influencing the advice your getting

Penny Tration

must_ wrote: »

btw FAO all 'hellper' I did ask for opinion on situation not judgment
thanks

People aren't judging you here. They are suggesting that maybe your own behaviour is a problem.

Right now, all you've done is swear at and insult people who have taken time out of their day to try to help you.

You might not LIKE being told that perhaps your own behaviour is wrong as well as your sister in law's, but your attitude here is really bad.

If you act even half as badly in real life as you're acting here, then I'd say that you're at least part of the problem.

The fact that you think everyone here is judging you shows that your attitude is quite selfish, only thinking of yourself and that you must be right.

I'd suggest, if you want opinions, that you smile and be nice to your husband's family and keep check on the cursing and insults.

dudara

Posters - that's enough. I think that the OP has been given enough input on this topic. If you can offer a different perspective, please free to post. Otherwise, enough has been said.

@must_ - I would urge you to re-read the contributions from our posters. Please try to look at the advice offered here with a fresh pair of eyes. If you want to post again, you will be very welcome. But please remember that we all must post in a respectful manner.

dudara

LegacyUser

must_ wrote: »

'When parents focus more love and attention on one child in front of other, all the children begin to feel that their parents' behavior is unfair and unpredictable, which creates resentment and uncertainty. It also affects sibling relationships, leading to higher levels of anger and aggressiveness.'

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

The quote above, together with the fact that you don't have any siblings makes me wonder whether perhaps you are expecting too much of a relationship with your in-laws.

MrWalsh

I think they sound like a shower of disrespectful eejits with no manners.

Id be furious if my sister in law made a scene at my wedding like that, its just rude.

I dont really understand why posters here have turned on you but I can sure see how it is frustrating for you to be getting berated rather than get advice on the issue you presented.

Anyway, back to your issue. I think that you should not go into situations where the people are toxic and make you feel bad, there is no point in doing this because your husband asks you to, then to come away from it feeling upset about how they treat you. I think that its not good enough that your husband wants this big happy family so much that he is ignoring your upset in this. Its a common problem though.

When I first married my husband his sister was really horrible to me. She would make remarks to embarrass me at family gatherings, insinuate that I was greedy or fat or try to make fun of me because of my interests etc... I would be upset after seeing her and my husband would always say that he hadnt noticed he being nasty. If I was nasty back to her he would notice that! It got to be that I mostly stopped going to events that she was at, and he did do. Anyway, long story short, she eventually apologised and it turned out that she had thought I had done something I hadnt. For me, I didnt really care about her apology but I was just glad that my husband finally saw that she really had known what she was doing and that the nastiness was deliberate. Now I still dont like her but she is at least civil so I dont avoid going to events she is at.

So even if your husband cannot see it or wants you to go along - stop going. Eventually he will either confront them or someone will tell him what was going on. And even if they dont - so what? You dont need people in your life who make you feel bad.

I hope this helps.

must_

unregistered poster wrote: »

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.

The quote above, together with the fact that you don't have any siblings makes me wonder whether perhaps you are expecting too much of a relationship with your in-laws.

thank you
i gave up on them being like they were before wedding 8 months ago
i understand we all trying hard - it's not easy for them
i think i find it hard then they say anytime we go to see them, before we leave that i am now part of this family and maybe they trying too hard too, like me trying too hard to understand their behavior
so i guess it will take longer for both sides to figure things out
i think i feel a bit betrayed, feel that they were never honest with me in first place, just saying things for sake of saying
which is fine too, i guess i get to know them more now and i didn't like what i saw
i think i know where i stand at the moment, so thanks to you and other people who tried to give help the way they see it right
i feel at peace finally, i decided to give myself a break and take it slow
let things happen and move on
and concentrate more on our happiness with my new family - me and my hubby
at the end of the day he is my immediate family now
the other family can affect me only if i care about them in the way they can't return to me
i think it's been mixed signals sent and i just hang onto it

it's new for me sibling rivalry too, that explains it all probably
they have all this experience they build through life - how to get on with each other
how not to take things from each other personal - for me it is like being in the jungle sometimes when they come after each others heads and tales :DDDD
but that's ok too i just need to step back and watch them wrestle and enjoy them being siblings no matter how it looks for me incomprehensible
i think i will really enjoy watching family from the side and be happy they've got each other

i'm ok of being outsider as i know that their talks of being part of them just them being polite and doing their best

anyway i've been alone all my life i brought myself to be this human being so of course they probably feel same about my circumstances - they can't comprehend

i think they pity me sometimes and i really hate it or trying to take too much responsibility about me too, as i don't need that much support - i really independant
i don't like them people tell me how to live my life - i wan tto figure it out myself
and if i can't i want to move on on my own terms
they don't understand that i'm happy to be on my own - they sometimes don't understand why i want to be alone
i think that's why my husband keeps asking for me to go with him all the time and i say i am ok to stay

anyway seems things clear up and i am again in my happy bubble

:DDDDD

must_

MrWalsh wrote: »

I think they sound like a shower of disrespectful eejits with no manners.

Id be furious if my sister in law made a scene at my wedding like that, its just rude.

I dont really understand why posters here have turned on you but I can sure see how it is frustrating for you to be getting berated rather than get advice on the issue you presented.

Anyway, back to your issue. I think that you should not go into situations where the people are toxic and make you feel bad, there is no point in doing this because your husband asks you to, then to come away from it feeling upset about how they treat you. I think that its not good enough that your husband wants this big happy family so much that he is ignoring your upset in this. Its a common problem though.

When I first married my husband his sister was really horrible to me. She would make remarks to embarrass me at family gatherings, insinuate that I was greedy or fat or try to make fun of me because of my interests etc... I would be upset after seeing her and my husband would always say that he hadnt noticed he being nasty. If I was nasty back to her he would notice that! It got to be that I mostly stopped going to events that she was at, and he did do. Anyway, long story short, she eventually apologised and it turned out that she had thought I had done something I hadnt. For me, I didnt really care about her apology but I was just glad that my husband finally saw that she really had known what she was doing and that the nastiness was deliberate. Now I still dont like her but she is at least civil so I dont avoid going to events she is at.

So even if your husband cannot see it or wants you to go along - stop going. Eventually he will either confront them or someone will tell him what was going on. And even if they dont - so what? You dont need people in your life who make you feel bad.

I hope this helps.

thank you so much i think i just wanted someone to tell their story so i don't feel alone in that moment
yes it is very helpful
i very appreciate it

i think i did come to some conclusion and closer so thanks once again

MrWalsh

must_ wrote: »

thank you so much i think i just wanted someone to tell their story so i don't feel alone in that moment
yes it is very helpful
i very appreciate it

i think i did come to some conclusion and closer so thanks once again

What also tends to happen is that if you put a bit of distance between you and them by not seeing them so much, their opinions become less important, the drama seems less important because it is not part of your weekly life etc...

So you become less annoyed with them and its better all round!

must_

MrWalsh wrote: »

What also tends to happen is that if you put a bit of distance between you and them by not seeing them so much, their opinions become less important, the drama seems less important because it is not part of your weekly life etc...

So you become less annoyed with them and its better all round!

so true
i really don't care anymore what they think i just want to be left out of drama
yea the siblings trying to undermine me most of the time, she even started sometimes physically push me when they taking family picture to make sure she stands in front of me
when there are 20 other people around who are not the family members
also makes comments about my language skills
brother tries to get between me and my husband

nwo mother and father started to get involved too

this is what i'll be trying to say all this time - they being cruel now
i don't know how other people can say that it is ok the way they treat me
i didn't want to write this earlier, because i was ashamed to say it loud about my family in low
that they haven't been honest with me at the beginning and even become cruel now
i feel sometimes they use me to get back at each other
i don't know why some people say it is ok

they drag me into they drama and i hate myself for it

so yes like you said and some others i need to stay away from this hot pot and let them boil in it

i need to cooooooooooooool down