Emotionally abusive relationship and someone from my past

Bailey01

Hi
I'm hoping someone wouldn't mind sharing their knowledge and experience.

I'm 36 was engaged a few years ago .That didn't work out - not through either persons fault just two young people who grew apart as they got older.

I've been seeing someone two years now and since moved in with him to discover I'm very unhappy, less than 6 weeks later! . He makes very little effort and has no enthusiasm for the relationship now I see him every day. He gets annoyed if I want to stay away and have few drinks with family- I feel like I've to ask permission. He cannot have a few drinks with lads and instead gets very drunk and in person or phones me accusing me of horrible untrue things and calling me names. He has tried to stop me going to fitness classes to spend time with him instead when spending time is only watching TV not allowed to chat. Worst of all there have been times he said horrible things and I've pucked him or pushed saying don't say that (all eight stone of me) for him to push and hit using excessive force and I've ended up I bruises , no later than last weekend. He does nothing to make me happy and only treats me to something if it's drinks or food he benefits from. . Etc etc.

The thing is an ex 7 years younger that I went out with for only a few months but but was mad about is back in town and back in contact. He wants to make a go of it and meet. He thinks I'm broken up with my boyfriend as I had been. I'm in messy situation with new rented house with my boyfriend who isnt what i thought. I've said ill give it another go but to be honest he isn't killing himself with effort and two days later its already back to withdrawing affection and punishment cos I've asked for some things to change . I really cared about the ex and want to meet him. I've strung him along for a while wondering would things improve with my boyfriend. They haven't although I still hope they will or can but I'm worn out trying.

I'm not the cheating type but I feel I owe it to myself to meet my ex. Obviously I'm petrified my boyfriend will find out as it's same town but I feel Iowe him something since I did say have another go at the relationship. I'm ashamed how like a teenager i sound , but I'm caught between fearing wasting my life and owing him a second chance. My friends say I owe him nothing - am I a bad person to meet my ex as I feel he will be gone for good if I dont. I keep thinking I'm too hard on my boyfriend and might work out but others says it's manipulation and emotional abuse..

Thanks in advance.

CaraMay

Both of you are in a violent relationship and unhappy. It doesn't matter what weight you are, if you hit him then you are as bad as he is. I think both of you know this us going to end. Finish with him before you meet the ex. It won't be easy but it has to be done. Otherwise you are dragging the ex into a scenario he doesn't want to be in. You also need to be honest with the ex before you start anything with him. You are playing all sides here and it's not fair on the men involved. Tbh you should really be single for a good 6 months but it doesn't look like that's going to happen

OneOfThem

You're not exactly covering yourself in glory here. Physically abusing one guy (that's what it is even if he defends himself) and by your own admission stringing along another guy seven years younger than you that you know is mad about you...

If you're unhappy in your current relationship, end it.

I think Cara's advice of staying single for a period of time is very good. You're not treating men well and they're not treating you well. Probably need to take some time to work on yourself a bit so that doesn't just continue to be the pattern in your life.

Merkin

Your weight or stature is irrelevant, you can't go physically abusing someone you're supposed to love. It doesn't sound like either of you do actually love one another and on that basis Id be extricating myself from what is an extremely toxic relationship forthwith.

I'd also avoid meeting this other chap. You clearly have a lot of work to do on yourself and are not ready for a relationship at all. As above, I think it extremely unfair on all parties concerned that you want to drag this new guy into what is essentially a clusterfcuk.

Be single for a while and do the decent thing for all individuals involved.

I also see that you were considering doing the same thing based on the thread you started a year ago so obviously things haven't improved in the slightest if you perpetually feel that the grass is always greener. Is this the guy who had cancer or someone else entirely?

Penny Tration

I'll be blunt with one part - If you hit a person, no matter how petite you are, expect that they will hit you back. It's not okay for you to hit him and expect him not to retaliate.

As for the rest - it's a horrible relationship. He's trying to control you, and IS being abusive. You're both physically abusing each other, and he's emotionally abusing you.

The ex - well, you've said yourself you're stringing him along, so there's no need for me to reiterate that.

If you want to meet him, end your relationship first.

I agree with cara that you should stay single. Jumping from a bad relationship straight into a new one is a recipe for disaster.

I'd also recommend you ask your GP for some counselling. You're naturally feeling a lot of hurt and resentment, which counselling could help you with.

Neyite

It's a toxic relationship with two people in it that are pure miserable but too insecure and co-dependant to be on their own. A relationship like that needs to be put out of its misery. Abuse, whether physical or non-physical, has no place in a relationship, and there is never an excuse for it. I've no time for women who push and shove and hit a partner then hide behind their gender to excuse the inexcusable.

To be truly happy with your next partner, you really need to take time out from relationships, and work on you. The right thing to do would be to leave your boyfriend, tell ex its not a good time right now, and work on you instead. If the ex is meant to be in your future, he'll still be there when you are a bit more sorted. I suspect you are too scared to be on your own, that you might be someone who needs to have a partner in their life. Is this the case? Work on that. If you cant love yourself and be comfortable with yourself, how can you expect someone else to?

MrWalsh

Youre only yearning after the ex because you are so unhappy now or because you cant bear the thoughts of being alone.

I am inclined to agree that you need to be single for as long as it takes for you to not NEED a relationship to make you happy. That need is currently so strong that it has you in an abusive relationship right now.

Leave the guy you are with before the aggro becomes full on violence.

Forget the ex until you get your head together and dont need a man to make you happy.

mapaca

You sound utterly miserable in your current relationship. Time to call it a day before the violence escalates. Concentrate on yourself for a while. This other guy can wait.

eviltwin

Forget about the other guy. If you are in a miserable relationship you're naturally going to look at this guy as your potential saviour but how much of that is rose tinted glasses?

Get out of the relationship you are in, it sounds miserable and neither of you is good for the other. Once you're alone take some time to sort yourself out and work out what you want before getting involved with someone else. It will be worth it.

daisybelle2008

OP, can you clarify if this guy from the past is the same 'love of your life' from last year?
And is this the same boyfriend you split up from? In your last thread you split up from your boyfriend and were heading off to meet your ex to talk about getting back together. You got a lot of good advise then.

Or are these two different fellas?

vertmann

I think you need to break this problem down into the two separate issues that they are. They actually should not be interlinked in any way.

Priority No. 1: Your emotionally abusive relationship
You described your relationship as this in the subject line and you were right. It's a textbook example of an emotionally abusive relationship and you would be mad to stay. He's already starting to isolate you from your family and friends and starting to control you. You mentioned him withdrawing affection - this is another way he is controlling you. Also extremely worrying is how both of you are already starting to physically attack each other. Don't fool yourself into thinking that this is going to stop with a few bruises. Domestic violence tends to escalate. If this is what things are like six months in, how do you see things going in a year's time?

You said yourself you've found out that your boyfriend isn't the man you thought he was. You're only living together six weeks and it's already going very wrong. Just to hammer home the point, here are the signs of emotional abuse copied straight from Women's Aid's website

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is a highly effective means of establishing a power imbalance within a relationship. It is often unseen or intangible to those outside the relationship. Emotional abuse is as harmful as physical violence. It often involves threats of and actual physical or sexual abuse.

It includes:

• being put down
• being constantly criticised
• being constantly controlled and monitored by the use of technology: including their phone use being checked and recorded; their mobile phone logs being checked and having all text messages read; abusers using spyware to read emails and secretly installing cameras in the house.
• threats by the abuser to kill women, the children, members of women's family, or himself, including details of how and when he will do it.
• property being destroyed including their cars, furniture, clothes, and home.
• being referred to using derogatory language including calling women 'it', 'bitch'.
• being trapped as the abuser takes their car keys, empties the petrol from their cars, and steals or smashes phones so women cannot seek assistance.
• never being left on their own; women being followed room to room; being accompanied to all outside activities.

Seriously Bailey you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Don't make the mistake of thinking things will change. This man was clever enough to make you think he was a nice guy for two years. Now that he has you snared, the mask has slipped. Nice men don't need to be told to change. Nice men don't attack you, call you names, accuse you of all sorts, try to stop you going to the gym, meet your friends, visit your family, withold affection, treat you like their personal servant. Do you get my drift?
Don't let pride get in your way. If the people who care about you knew what was going on right not, not one of them would want you to stay. Please leave. If you can't bring yourself to go right now, please give Women's Aid a call and chat to one of their people. The number 1800 341 900

The guy from your past
I can't say one way or the other if going back to your ex is a good idea. You might want to think about why you feel seeing him involves cheating on your boyfriend. Why? Are you afraid to be single? Are you trying to have this other guy teed up and ready to go before you find the strength to leave your horrible boyfriend?

My advice to you is to put this other man to the back of your mind right now. You've got bigger fish to fry. Get yourself out of that house and away from that odious boyfriend of yours asap. If you stay he is going to chip away at what's left of your self-confidence and turn you into a powerless, lonely woman who's afraid to say boo to a goose. Is that what you want?

Bailey01

Thank you everyone for your advice. Vertmann Thank you for seperating it so clearly and the contact details.

Yes it is the same ex and yes it is the same boyfriend. I never met the ex as I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend at the time. Now I see him for his true colours but blame myself for a lot of that. That's why I hope things will get better but even after today they haven't. It's embarrassing to my family having been engaged then new boyfriend then leave him and possibly see my ex. Suppose that's actually the main reason I've stayed and hoped it might work out. I feel like I've put up with things for my family and in hope things will improve. I'm at end of my tether and that's where my lashing out as come from. I've been honest with my ex. He knows I was/am in relationship he knows it's abusive and has been advising me to leave ( as he would anyway) but I can't keep stringing him along with him hoping a break up is envitable. He is not going to wait for ever and is starting to think ive no interest.

I've done my best for be boyfriend - supported him when he out of work, lent him money to buy and tax a car, given him money to socialise when he out of work, never asked for money towards deposit for house, expected nothing when he not working for Christmas and birthday and anniversary. He is now working and his first "project" is to buy iPhone - not pay me back or treat me. Suppose I've just kept expecting him to do for me what I've been doing for him.

That's where my hostility has come from- some one on the take and giving nothing bak. Afraid to make make a move cos of family and even what friends think, eternally hoping it will get better and feeling guilty for being interested in someone else who had proven his interest

vertmann

You're staying for all sorts of wrong reasons. Very many of them because you're afraid of what your family will think? Its time to stop worrying about what other people think. What is it that YOU want? Do you want to continue to live with a man you don't have anything nice to say about? How would you feel if this other man told you he had met someone else? I've got mixed feelings about whether you should pursue this other guy but if it spurs you into leaving it may be no bad thing.

You can't be living your life governed by other people's opinions. You're going to have to swallow your pride and find some backbone here. Otherwise you'll have plenty of time for regrets.

Penny Tration

Tbh, with you worrying about what your family will say, I have to wonder - are you jumping from relationship to relationship? It really sounds like you are and that's so far from healthy. why are you not taking time out and learning to be happy by yourself? You wont have a successful relationship if you keep rebounding into full on relationships.

CaraMay

If he's working and can afford an iPad then he can afford the rent himself, what's stopping you moving out today?

vertmann

Your logic doesn't make sense. Let's say you were in Galway and wanted to drive to Donegal. You get lost and ask a local for directions. But you go astray and have to ask someone else. You get lost again. Now instead of going to Donegal you're on the road to Kerry. Would you continue to drive to Kerry because you got lost despite asking for directions twice?

orthsquel

OP tbh feck the boyfriend. He's no good and you can see that as plain as you can the nose on your face. He is NEVER going to change. The situation is NEVER going to change. There is absolutely no point whatsoever for this farce of a "relationship" to continue. All you are doing is dragging the drama out unnecessarily.... You have waited for the situation to improve, it hasn't, it isn't going to and you need to realise that in a blunt realistic way. It is not embarrassing and you shouldn't feel embarrassed about it at all, or feel too embarrassed to do anything about it. It really doesn't matter what other people think about you with this situation.

I think you are already panicking about the ex and maintaining his interest.... and I think that will probably result in you jumping straight into another relationship that most likely isn't going to be right for you at all. I'd have to agree with everyone who has said it, don't go straight into another relationship, give yourself some space mentally and emotionally to deal with everything first, and when you're ready and sorted out, pursue relationships.

Right now I think you should forget about both men and just look after yourself. And I think you really need to, I think it's a negative sign of your self esteem if you worry about what people will think of you in your situation, and gaining confidence and self esteem is really something you need to work on for yourself. I'd also be extremely wary that any of the violence that has been brought out in you from a dysfunctional relationship will continue on should you pursue a relationship with the ex... and you know what, that may completely change his willingness to be with you.