Ex boyfriend on tinder for guys

Casualcontrol1

Was with my ex 6 years we are still close friends and hang out but my gay best friend told me recently he has been popping up on his tinder for the past few months. I'm a little confused about this , I get he might change it to see whos on it but it has been the same for months. Should I say something? Could he be confused about his sexuality? Don't know how to approach this at all

Saipanne

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

Was with my ex 6 years we are still close friends and hang out but my gay best friend told me recently he has been popping up on his tinder for the past few months. I'm a little confused about this , I get he might change it to see whos on it but it has been the same for months. Should I say something? Could he be confused about his sexuality? Don't know how to approach this at all

Why do you feel you need to get involved?

eviltwin

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

Was with my ex 6 years we are still close friends and hang out but my gay best friend told me recently he has been popping up on his tinder for the past few months. I'm a little confused about this , I get he might change it to see whos on it but it has been the same for months. Should I say something? Could he be confused about his sexuality? Don't know how to approach this at all

Its none of your business what he does and he probably won't thank you for bringing it up. Stay out of it and say nothing.

MagicMarker

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

Was with my ex 6 years we are still close friends and hang out but my gay best friend told me recently he has been popping up on his tinder for the past few months. I'm a little confused about this , I get he might change it to see whos on it but it has been the same for months. Should I say something? Could he be confused about his sexuality? Don't know how to approach this at all

It's none of your bees wax.

Casualcontrol1

Ok thanks

Flippyfloppy

Just leave him at it he's probably just finding his feet. He might not feel comfortable thinking other people are talking about his sexuality before he's even come out.

Barely There

Are you worried that you've turned him gay or something?

Don't see why else you'd feel the need to 'approach' this with him at all.

power pants

how would you know if he was looking for guys from tinder?

MagicMarker

power pants wrote: »

how would you know if he was looking for guys from tinder?

Read the first post.

Casualcontrol1

The only thing is we would have been sleeping together at the time

Flippyfloppy

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

The only thing is we would have been sleeping together at the time

I still don't see what you're hoping to achieve by saying it to him. If he wants to speak to someone about it let him. It sounds like he's enjoying himself, why make out like he might be confused about his sexuality when he very well may not be anymore?

Oryx

His sexuality is none of your business unless he mentions it to you.

wp_rathead

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

The only thing is we would have been sleeping together at the time

Was tinder around 6 years ago?
Edit: ignore thought your post was he was an ex from 6 years ago

Anyhow yes, none of your business - it is possibly a prank by his friends that changed his search settings

Can I just weigh in and say that just because he is popping up for men, doesn't necessarily mean that he's gay. Tinder allows you to search for just men or women, not men looking for men, women looking for men etc., so the fact that your gay friend, who is looking for men, sees your ex, doesn't mean anything - just means that he is on Tinder.

If he were on Grindr, I would've said differently.

But even still - it's none of your business.

Saipanne

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

The only thing is we would have been sleeping together at the time

When he was on Tinder? So you're wondering whether he cheated?

Pyr0

OP, maybe his mates changed his search criteria to men instead of women? It's a very easy thing to do and it's the kinda thing mates having a laugh would do.

Casualcontrol1

Yea it was just a bit of a shock I'm probably just over reacting. Now that I thought it through it would be embarrassing for both if I brought it up best left where it is

Not necessarily embarrassing, because that's assuming that he's embarrassed with his sexual orientation, but more so that it just isn't your place to get involved whatsoever.

eviltwin

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

Yea it was just a bit of a shock I'm probably just over reacting. Now that I thought it through it would be embarrassing for both if I brought it up best left where it is

I don't think its over reacting necessarily to wonder if someone was cheating on you when you were together but you've nothing to gain by asking. You aren't together now, it doesn't really matter one way or another and asking might do more harm than good. Stay out of it for your own sake as much as his.

power pants

MagicMarker wrote: »

Read the first post.

still dont understand

if you are on tinder , if you state you are a male you go in with all the males, if you are female you state female

if the gay guy is looking for guys, of course he will see the op's ex boyfriend


am I missing something?

Casualcontrol1

power pants wrote: »

still dont understand

if you are on tinder , if you state you are a male you go in with all the males, if you are female you state female

if the gay guy is looking for guys, of course he will see the op's ex boyfriend


am I missing something?

No you have it in one

arayess

eviltwin wrote: »

Its none of your business what he does and he probably won't thank you for bringing it up. Stay out of it and say nothing.

it is her business...
If he was having casual sex with men while they were having sex the OP could be exposed from a sexual health perspective.

On an emotional level I think the Op has a right to ask , closure on a point that could essentially point to their whole relationship being a sham is important.
Too many people think humans are emotionally rational people who can compartmentalise their feelings and thoughts. It's not that easy.

Riskymove

power pants wrote: »

am I missing something?

are you saying there is no filter for sexual preference on tinder?

that must make it difficult for gay people?

Flippyfloppy

arayess wrote: »

it is her business...
If he was having casual sex with men while they were having sex the OP could be exposed from a sexual health perspective.

On an emotional level I think the Op has a right to ask , closure on a point that could essentially point to their whole relationship being a sham is important.
Too many people think humans are emotionally rational people who can compartmentalise their feelings and thoughts. It's not that easy.

If he was having casual sex with anyone she could be exposed , not just with men. How would it make their relationship a 'sham'? He liked girls, he may or may not like guys now. It doesn't take from their relationship.

Riskymove

Riskymove wrote: »

are you saying there is no filter for sexual preference on tinder?

that must make it difficult for gay people?

That's correct. There's no option for sexual preference whatsoever. Just whether you want men or women.

The below image is to show what is seen on the search preferences.

Riskymove

Deleted User wrote: »

That's correct. There's no option for sexual preference whatsoever. Just whether you want men or women.

The below image is to show what is seen on the search preferences.

well then, I don't see the issue here, perhaps the OP just doesn't realize this.

Unless the ex has selected the gay friend as a match or whatever?

My reading is that this isn't the case - the OP mentioned that her friend just popped up on his Tinder, which to me suggests that he came up as a potential match.

Riskymove

Deleted User wrote: »

My reading is that this isn't the case - the OP mentioned that her friend just popped up on his Tinder, which to me suggests that he came up as a potential match.

well why would the friend raise it as an issue then? just seems there must be a bit more to it

anyway I guess only the OP can clarify

eviltwin

arayess wrote: »

it is her business...
If he was having casual sex with men while they were having sex the OP could be exposed from a sexual health perspective.

On an emotional level I think the Op has a right to ask , closure on a point that could essentially point to their whole relationship being a sham is important.
Too many people think humans are emotionally rational people who can compartmentalise their feelings and thoughts. It's not that easy.

If that's a concern she can have an STD test, no need to ask him. He's possibly going to deny it anyway and she probably won't believe him so if it's a legitimate worry I'd have the test regardless.

Why would their relationship be a sham? She only knows this because someone was nosy enough to gossip. The relationship is over now anyway so she should move on and not get into divulging personal info. He's a free agent and its none of her business what he does.

Riskymove

Riskymove wrote: »

well why would the friend raise it as an issue then? just seems there must be a bit more to it

anyway I guess only the OP can clarify

Because, unfortunately, some people just love drama.

Re: it's hard for gay people. To me, Tinder is the hetero Grindr. I've always assumed that the similarity in names was always on purpose.

Riskymove

eviltwin wrote: »

He's a free agent and its none of her business what he does.

TBF most people are looking at the fact he is an ex rather than the fact that he remains a "close friend" that she hangs out with

she simply may want to be someone the ex can talk to if he wishes about this, if it is an issue for him.

PinkLemonade

Riskymove wrote: »

TBF most people are looking at the fact he is an ex rather than the fact that he remains a "close friend" that she hangs out with

she simply may want to be someone the ex can talk to if he wishes about this, if it is an issue for him.

Given that she's his ex and his friend I don't know if she'd be the best person to bring it up, he may wish to confide on her but I don't think it's a good idea for her to bring this up, it's not really her place.

eviltwin

Riskymove wrote: »

TBF most people are looking at the fact he is an ex rather than the fact that he remains a "close friend" that she hangs out with

she simply may want to be someone the ex can talk to if he wishes about this, if it is an issue for him.

If he wants to discuss it with her that's his decision, it's not her place to bring it up

power pants

Riskymove wrote: »

well then, I don't see the issue here, perhaps the OP just doesn't realize this.

Unless the ex has selected the gay friend as a match or whatever?

exactly unless they have both matched I dont understand what the op's gay friend is suggesting

the gay friend is searching for guys so it will be the same as when a female searches for guys, they will see all the males on tinder

I doubt the op's ex will know that some gay person is viewing his profile

Seems that op's friend is perhaps **** stirring?

Dave147

Oryx wrote: »

His sexuality is none of your business unless he mentions it to you.

Really? *None* of her business despite being together 6 years, and also mentions they're close friends. I'd like to think myself and my ex of also 6 years could talk about something like this if it came up.

Flippyfloppy

[Deleted User] wrote: »

That's correct. There's no option for sexual preference whatsoever. Just whether you want men or women.

The below image is to show what is seen on the search preferences.

So if one guy selected to see men, and another selected women why would tinder bother showing the gay guy the guy who wants to see women when there wouldn't be a match? Seems like a lot of time would be wasted!

Riskymove

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

So if one guy selected to see men, and another selected women why would tinder bother showing the gay guy the guy who wants to see women when there wouldn't be a match? Seems like a lot of time would be wasted!

I suppose the idea is that Tinder is set up for straight people

arayess

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

If he was having casual sex with anyone she could be exposed , not just with men. How would it make their relationship a 'sham'? He liked girls, he may or may not like guys now. It doesn't take from their relationship.

of course you are correct.

However the stats show that homosexual men tend to have higher rates of STDs than hetro men. Although i admit everybody who is having sex is at risk but some behaviour are more risky than others.

if it's important enough to the OP to post here , then it's important enough to ask about and I don't see the issue in asking.

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

If he was having casual sex with anyone she could be exposed , not just with men. How would it make their relationship a 'sham'? He liked girls, he may or may not like guys now. It doesn't take from their relationship.

It does if he was interested in men during their period as a couple - unless he expressed this to the Op (of course).

I'd feel hard done by if I found out during a relationship my partner preferred a different gender. I'd feel the relationship was built on a lie especially if this fact wasn't disclosed and the relationship went on for a while.
But that's me , maybe you'd be fine with that, everybody is different.

Galadriel

arayess wrote: »

of course you are correct.

However the stats show that homosexual men tend to have higher rates of STDs than hetro men. Although i admit everybody who is having sex is at risk but some behaviour are more risky than others.

if it's important enough to the OP to post here , then it's important enough to ask about and I don't see the issue in asking.



It does if he was interested in men during their period as a couple - unless he expressed this to the Op (of course).

I'd feel hard done by if I found out during a relationship my partner preferred a different gender. I'd feel the relationship was built on a lie especially if this fact wasn't disclosed and the relationship went on for a while.
But that's me , maybe you'd be fine with that, everybody is different.

But it's a non-point now as the OP's friend was mistaken in his assumption that the ex was searching for men.

PinkLemonade

arayess wrote: »

of course you are correct.

However the stats show that homosexual men tend to have higher rates of STDs than hetro men. Although i admit everybody who is having sex is at risk but some behaviour are more risky than others.

if it's important enough to the OP to post here , then it's important enough to ask about and I don't see the issue in asking.



It does if he was interested in men during their period as a couple - unless he expressed this to the Op (of course).

I'd feel hard done by if I found out during a relationship my partner preferred a different gender. I'd feel the relationship was built on a lie especially if this fact wasn't disclosed and the relationship went on for a while.
But that's me , maybe you'd be fine with that, everybody is different.

How the OP should feel and what she should do though are not the same thing. She should not bring this up with him as he is her ex, not her current, he has nothing to answer for.

And I don't think she should bring it up as a friend either

kylith

Dave147 wrote: »

Really? *None* of her business despite being together 6 years, and also mentions they're close friends. I'd like to think myself and my ex of also 6 years could talk about something like this if it came up.

Yes, none of her business. If he is gay or bi it is his business and it is up to him to decide who he wants to know and when. What's she going to say "A friend of mine says you're gay because he saw you on Tinder"?

It could also all be a misunderstanding as people have said.

diograis

Lot of bull**** going around by people who clearly never even used tinder, never mind tinder with settings to search for other men. If you're a gay man, the vast, vast majority of the people who come up will also be gay men. A small amount of straight men come up, and women too, but I suspect some of the women have thir gender changed for one reason or another.

My point here is that it's not unreasonable for the friend to assume the ops ex is matching with men, and thus interested in them, especially over a few months. Why he's doing that is none of her business though

LegacyUser

diograis wrote: »

Lot of bull**** going around by people who clearly never even used tinder, never mind tinder with settings to search for other men. If you're a gay man, the vast, vast majority of the people who come up will also be gay men. A small amount of straight men come up, and women too, but I suspect some of the women have thir gender changed for one reason or another

Exactly.

A man who has started his preference / interested in women won't show up on the man looking for man search.

power pants

for arguments sake,I have just put in "interested in men"and im seeing friends I know from work, the gym etc

does that mean they are all gay? :eek:

it doesnt

You're giving Tinder far too much credit. The search preferences are really male & female, nothing to do with sexual preferences. Also Tinder itself states that the people that come up in results could be outside of your preferences.

LegacyUser

I'm a lesbian and can tell you for a fact that you can only put a gender preference not a sexuality preference. If I'm in my hometown and turn on tinder half the local women show up, not because they are gay but because they are women. And another thing the reason they come up as "potential matches" is because tinder accesses mutual Facebook friends and matches on this basis. It is absolutely nothing to do with a preference. Told few of my friends that I knew were 100% straight that they popped up on tinder and they were shocked. And yes it is crap for gay people cos you have to x hundreds of straight or ambiguous, hence don't bother with it anymore. Basically your gay friend saw him because he is a male and you're probably the Facebook link, it is zero reflection on your exes sexuality. For there to have been a "match" your gay friend would have to like his profile and your ex do likewise. This didn't happen, there was a suggested match!

power pants

exactly

It's also strange that your friend says that he keeps popping up. Think this is where your friend is telling lies, because it doesn't work that way - once you swipe on a person, regardless of left or right, they won't pop up again. Unless he's deleted his account and starts fresh, but the OP's friend said it's happened a few times, so would the guy do it multiple times in a short period of time?

osarusan

It doesn't seem clear whether or not he is actually seeking men on tinder, so any conversation about his confusion over his sexuality might be unnecessary and awkward.

More than that, though, It's none of your business really.

LLMMML

As a previous poster said if you put that you are male seeking males, it's overwhelmingly males seeking males that pop up.

I think it's completely understandable that someone might have concerns if their ex partner of 6 years might have been gay. A relationship of that length would be a significant part of your past, and impact how you view your past. The possibility that they may not have been sexually attracted to you would be very hurtful. I think some of these "it's none of your business" posts are a bit naive about how people view their past relationships.

You're perfectly entitled to talk to him about it. But you may not hear what you want to hear. He may lie. And don't go accusing him of possibly passing on an STI or potentially passing one on. The idea that all bi/gay guys who are with girls are cheating on the side would be pretty offensive.