Boyfriend gone silent!

MagicMarker

Rekop dog wrote: »

4 months is too short a time knowing someone to use phrases like "out of character" imo, you don't really know someone after that short a spell to make such an assessment, especially as people can alter their character early in relationships to try impress the other. You're too invested in this for what's only been a brief time knowing him.

4 months is not brief, you can get to know someone pretty damn well in that time period.

cazzer22

Rekop dog wrote: »

4 months is too short a time knowing someone to use phrases like "out of character" imo, you don't really know someone after that short a spell to make such an assessment, especially as people can alter their character early in relationships to try impress the other. You're too invested in this for what's only been a brief time knowing him.

Very harsh post. She said they've been exclusive for 4 months (i.e. boyfriend and girlfriend). They may have been seeing each other a few months before that. You were not in their relationship and you don't know how well they knew each other. She isn't too invested. She trusted this guy and he is now completely ignoring her for reasons unknown. She has met his family and friends, also, suggesting that they both held the relationship in high esteem (you don't just introduce your family to anyone). She has a right to be upset and doesn't need people slating her saying she's ''too invested''.

cazzer22

MagicMarker wrote: »

4 months is not brief, you can get to know someone pretty damn well in that time period.

Agreed. Also she didn't specify how long they knew each other or were seeing each other before they became exclusive.

Confused_123

We were seeing each other for about a month before we began seeing each other exclusively. We would see each other 1/2 times during the week & would spend most of the weekends together too - so yes I would say that I knew him pretty well. Don't think it would be possible to act a role for approx 5 months.

In terms of the depression - it is certainly not a reason I would end a relationship with someone. In fact it's probably the reason I've made such an effort to get back in touch; I didn't think this whole episode was down to him being an a**hole, but rather him just going through something. But obviously the complete lack of effort on his side is leaving me with no choice.

We live in a relatively small town, so are bound to cross paths pretty soon. Not sure what happens then...

Niaveee

Confused_123 wrote: »

We were seeing each other for about a month before we began seeing each other exclusively. We would see each other 1/2 times during the week & would spend most of the weekends together too - so yes I would say that I knew him pretty well. Don't think it would be possible to act a role for approx 5 months.

In terms of the depression - it is certainly not a reason I would end a relationship with someone. In fact it's probably the reason I've made such an effort to get back in touch; I didn't think this whole episode was down to him being an a**hole, but rather him just going through something. But obviously the complete lack of effort on his side is leaving me with no choice.

We live in a relatively small town, so are bound to cross paths pretty soon. Not sure what happens then...

I really don't think its down to depression. It's only been 5 months. If he cared about u, all he has to do is respond and say "not feeling great at the moment" instead he's completely ignoring you. I don't get that. If its the case that hes depressed he would still be aware that ignoring you is going to hurt you and it could possibly lead to him losing you. But he seems not too worried about it. I think it's unfair to blame a mental illness on someone being rude. Send him a final text explaining how you feel. What's he's doing is wrong, you deserve better, if he's depressed or not. What's the point of continuing a relationship were u don't know where stand

Clearlier

Niaveee wrote: »

I really don't think its down to depression. It's only been 5 months. If he cared about u, all he has to do is respond and say "not feeling great at the moment" instead he's completely ignoring you. I don't get that. If its the case that hes depressed he would still be aware that ignoring you is going to hurt you and it could possibly lead to him losing you. But he seems not too worried about it. I think it's unfair to blame a mental illness on someone being rude. Send him a final text explaining how you feel. What's he's doing is wrong, you deserve better, if he's depressed or not. What's the point of continuing a relationship were u don't know where stand

You don't get depression. Yes, absolutely when deep in depression people can find it too hard to send a text message to someone that they've been going out with for a few months. I know it's incomprehensible but it happens. That doesn't excuse the behaviour but it might help explain it.

OP - I would talk to his brother if you know him that well, explain what's happened and that you're concerned about him. It doesn't mean that you have to commit to a future relationship with him but it's an avenue through which you might get a bit of closure and if he's struggling you might be able to help a little. If it is depression be well aware of your personal boundaries before committing to a further relationship - can you handle the same thing happening again in the future etc..

LLMMML

I think when people say "you don't know him that well" what they mean is you haven't seen them at their worst. After 4 months you're still in the "everything about them is great" stage, maybe with a "this habit is slightly annoying". But you haven't seen how they react in a crisis, how they treated previous partners etc. The fact that you think he is mature but he is completely ignoring you shows how mismatched your image of someone after a few months can be with reality.

I have to disagree with the majority of posters. I think it would be a good idea to go to his house. It's incredibly difficult to just forget about someone who 100% ignores you. Even if he sent you a short "it's over" message it would be better than this. I would force him into an explanation. Someone said he could just slam the door in your face. Unlikely. These cowards only behave like this over the phone.

Barely There

LLMMML wrote: »

I would force him into an explanation.

That's ridiculous.

It's unlikely anyone put in that situation is going to respond honestly - so what's the point?

You don't need an explanation, you don't need closure. If someone's behaving like a dick, cut them out of your life and move on.

magicmushroom

Crappy, crappy situation for you to be in.

My last relationship, I was deeply in love at the 4 month mark so this would have broken my heart.
Ignore those who say 4 months is too short to know someone and if their behaviour is out of character - that's just not true.

Really hope you can get some answers on this, you have been treated cruelly and it's just not nice.
Hopefully you can move on and this won't affect you getting into a new relationship in time.

LLMMML

Barely There wrote: »

That's ridiculous.

It's unlikely anyone put in that situation is going to respond honestly - so what's the point?

You don't need an explanation, you don't need closure. If someone's behaving like a dick, cut them out of your life and move on.

I still disagree. He may not give the honest reason he lost interest, very few people do. But he will have to say that it's over and he will have to try and come up with a reason for ignoring her, and she will have the opportunity to tell him how badly he is behaving.

I understand you may be able to move on relatively quickly in this situation but other people (myself included) would not. In these cases, confronting someone can help. I personally think ignoring someone is the worst thing you can do, and is purely designed to allow him to feel like he is a good guy (by not actually having to see you upset). Take that away from him.

LegacyUser

Op I would agree with the point about not really and truly knowing someone after 4 months.

Actually I would go so far as to say that it is usually around this time that people actually start to show their true character.

In spite of all the positive points that you have mentioned there are a lot of red flags:

1) He got angry when you met male friends in a club after only two months of dating because you didn't make a fuss about him and introduce him as your boyfriend yet he has basically ignored you for the last few days leaving you worried sick with no consideration for you as his girlfriend.

2) He invited you to stay the night with him and then at 1am told you to go. This stands out to me as very strange, odd and rude. Its like he was trying to reject you to hurt and confuse you for whatever reason. Also shows that his mood changes quickly and your feelings are not considered by him when this happens. Mixed messages.

3) He makes contact with you again “Hey, sorry mental day – you out and about?” but then doesn't respond when you do. Seems like he was trying to get into your head again or was annoyed that you were out?

4) If this is how he reacts when he is feeling depressed (if that is what is going on here), then are you really going to be able to put up with that kind of behaviour down the line? He handles things by backing away but he doesn't even have the decency to explain anything to you and leaves you wondering wtf is going on. If he was as mature as you believe then he would contact you, let you know that everything was alright, that he is having some personal issues and that he needs a bit of space and that he hopes that you can understand but he is choosing not to do anything to make you feel at ease. He's choosing to make you feel on edge.

I genuinely think what you are seeing here is the real him. He is creating unnecessary drama within the relationship and causing a push/pull dynamic. I think you should leave him too it.

Tigger99

I don't think it's that people suggesting not to call over are moving on quickly, it's that they realise that retaining their dignity is better than calling over for a fruitless exchange that will probably result in no real answers? If you have done what you suggested and genuinely got closure then that's great but I suspect most would just ruminate over that conversation instead of starting the slow and painful process of moving on.

Can you imagine how cringe it would be to look back at such an encounter when in all likelihood you should have left well alone. She has sent many texts and called him. If he was not in contact with anyone I'd say his brother would have called her. But he didn't and it sounds like the boyfriend is just too cowardly to end it.

Yes depression can make people do awful things and feel powerless to even call or send a text, but this has been going on for a while now. I think he's spoken loud and clear in his silence.

Tigger99

And let's say for a minute that it is the depression speaking that has him ignoring/behaving in a shi tty way, how is that going to make her feel that it could happen again without warning. The uncertainty is awful, walking on eggshells like that.

LegacyUser

I think this talk of depression is just nonsense...grasping at straws to explain his behaviour. In my opinion he wasn't that into you or else he lost interest and then he decided to blank you as his way of ending it. If he was interested in you he would contact you, simple as that, he's already moved on with his life and is hoping you will just leave him alone. You can be sure he's not sitting in his room crying his eyes out "depressed"...he's still having a laugh and meeting up with friends/family etc...he just doesn't want to be the relationship and has tried to end it through blanking you.

Xaracatz

Ah - OP - that sucks. And it is a terrible way to treat somebody. For purely selfish reasons (and you deserve to be looking at your own interests), I would send a final message saying that you don't understand what is going on, and you're worried, and ask him to please contact you to let you know he's ok, otherwise you're going to send a message to his brother in case something bad has happened. And then do so if he doesn't respond.

Might sound a bit bunny boilerish but, honestly, if he's going to treat you like that, I wouldn't care what he thinks, and the reason I'd suggest doing it is for your own peace of mind. That's just me though. It's all about what it best suited for yourself.

Really, with him knowing this was your first real relationship, and the rest, unless there's some amazing excuse that I can't even think of, he's being a dick to do this. If you want answers or closure, go for it.

It's a very unfair situation you're in, and I feel for you.

Niaveee

notintoyou wrote: »

I think this talk of depression is just nonsense...grasping at straws to explain his behaviour. In my opinion he wasn't that into you or else he lost interest and then he decided to blank you as his way of ending it. If he was interested in you he would contact you, simple as that, he's already moved on with his life and is hoping you will just leave him alone. You can be sure he's not sitting in his room crying his eyes out "depressed"...he's still having a laugh and meeting up with friends/family etc...he just doesn't want to be the relationship and has tried to end it through blanking you.

100% agree. If he was interested he would contact her. End of story

mada82

Don't lower yourself to contacting him again. Cut all ties and don't accept any excuses if he comes crawling back. If he acts like that after 4 months then I'm sure it would only get worse.

cazzer22

mada82 wrote: »

Don't lower yourself to contacting him again. Cut all ties and don't accept any excuses if he comes crawling back. If he acts like that after 4 months then I'm sure it would only get worse.

Totally agree with this post. If he can straight ignore you like that, he isn't worth your time and effort. However hard it may be, this is what's best and he is no loss to you. As the other poster said, if this is how it's going to be after 4 months, you have really dodged a bullet. You deserve so much more than this my dear.

Confused_123

Hey guys - thanks for all of your replies.

I decided to send one last message to him yesterday - not querying his wellbeing, instead telling him I wasn't putting up with his ignorant behaviour anymore & was calling it a day with him. Nothing back - but glad I got a chance to vent & tell him exactly what I thought of the treatment he gave me. Didn't want him to walk away without hearing just what I thought of this whole episode.

Confused_123

Ash.J.Williams

He doesn't sound needy to me

Ash.J.Williams

Was there any substance abuse of any kind, or would think there was a possibility of it? The 1am kickout sounds like he was hanging for a spliff

Confused_123

UPDATE -

So, after 6 weeks of no communication, I randomly bumped into Tom last night. I was Designated Denise last night out with a friend. I saw him from the corner of my eye and my legs literally started trembling. He practically walked right by me & totally ignored me, but I could see that his face was slightly panicked at the fact that I was out. Later in the night, as he went to walk by again I made sure to make eye contact & asked could we talk. He seemed reluctant for some reason but agreed. I said straight out that I was over the relationship but didn't understand the reason he treated me the way he did. He said the reason he ended things like that was because he "wasn't feeling it" and "didn't want to see me upset". He was soooooo cold towards me in what he was saying, yet at the same time his eyes were tearing up....then he just turned & walked away. He is not the person I was in a relationship with - just seems so cold & heartless, yet obviously fighting back the tears. Wish we could have ended on an OK note & remained friendly, but that obviously isn't his intentions. Not the closure I was looking for - but think it's the best I'm going to get. As I've said I've moved on, but just wish he wasn't acting the way he is.

LegacyUser

OP: you said "During out little "speed wobble" after that night out he brought up that sometimes he feels that he is more into the relationship than I am - that I could "get any guy I wanted" and why would I be with him?"

BIG RED FLAG...

This has been said to me by a couple of guys over the years, and as I was inexperienced then, I was constantly trying to make things work, to make him feel better, to overcompensate, and literally hide myself and my talents to bolster him. More recently a guy said it to me, and I just walked. Guys like that are manipulators, you are better off without him.

batmanrobin

It's a shame that he couldn't have just told you he no longer wanted to continue rather than go radio silence. He's shown his true colours by saying he didn't want to upset you. He didn't want to deal with any potential drama so took the cowards way out. You seem like a warm and caring person, OP. There are plenty of decent men out there who won't treat you like this guy did.

All the best.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't read anything into those tears. Chances are they were tears of self-pity from a man who had been put into a very uncomfortable, squirmy situation. You're well rid of this coward. Onwards and upwards as they say!

Confused_123

Odus fell down wrote: »

Don't read anything into those tears. Chances are they were tears of self-pity from a man who had been put into a very uncomfortable, squirmy situation. You're well rid of this coward. Onwards and upwards as they say!

You're probably right - never even thought of that. I always try to see the best in people but as a previous poster said he's shown his true colours now. I know I've nothing to be ashamed about regarding the whole situation, not wasting any more time worrying about him that's for sure! Thanks everyone!

bobbydog

Confused_123 wrote: »

Hey guys,

Just looking for another opinion on this odd situation I've found myself in!

A bit of background first - I'm 25, he's 32 (let's call him Tom). We met about 4 months ago & really hit it off. I love Tom's maturity yet ability to let his hair down have a good time. I was initially nervous about exclusivity, but only because it was my first serious relationship and I suppose I just got used to being single - and perhaps selfish with my time! I'm at the stage now though where I want something serious and long-term. We agreed to not see other people early on. We both work full-time & good jobs but always make time to see each other at weekends and week day evenings where possible. Intimacy was something that came slowly as I was a virgin up until I met him. Being honest I was quite apprehensive about that side of a relationship, but he immediately put me at ease & always made to feel comfortable. Things are great in general (with the exception of the 2 instances below) - we really bounce off each other & have such fun when we're together.

So say 2 months into our relationship, we were out with our own friends & agreed to meet up in a pub along the way. When we reached the nightclub, I met a lot of friends I hadn't spoken to in a long time & so spent most of my night catching up with them. They were all guy friends which meant nothing to me, but perhaps bothered him. Tom got very angry by the end of the night - and understandably so. I wasn't used to having a boyfriend "in tow". Even on a night out with the girls I would always do my own thing. Tom explained it wasn't necessarily the fact that I spent most of my night with these other friends that angered him, but rather that for e.g. I didn't introduce him as my boyfriend etc. He wasn't sure if I was ready for a relationship or if I was "into" him enough. Admittedly I may not show affection too outwardly but I really do have strong feelings for him & explained this to him. We both agreed we should give things another go. I was determined to show my emotions more now that I'd been given this second chance.

We got over that hiccup anyway & things were fine. We continued going on our little quirky dates or just have lazy nights in his place. The suddenly things got strange last Friday! We were watching movies over in his place, when he asked did I want to stay over - I agreed. Then around 1am I was getting tired & asked if he wanted to head to bed - then he said he had to work at 7am Sat morning and it probably wasn't worth my while staying. Inside I was a little annoyed, but I said that was fine. We made plans for a day out on the Sat - he was going to ring me when he finished work & we would head off then. Saturday came and I hung around by the phone all day - heard nothing. So around 6pm I text him, checking was everything ok with him. I was angry he ignored our plans but it was totally out of character for him so my main concern was checking that he was alright. I heard nothing back despite him “seeing" my message. I was heading out that night for a friend’s birthday – around 11pm I got a message from him saying: “Hey, sorry mental day – you out and about?” I was relieved to hear from him but very annoyed at the same time. I replied that I was out in town, he could join if he liked – no reply from him. I text him again on Sunday & Monday asking him just to let me know that everything was ok – that I was worried about him. Again, no reply despite him seeing the messages. This is really out of character for him – I just can’t understand what is wrong.

He told me a couple of things that lead me to believe he may be suffering from depression, but he assured me that he sees a doctor whenever he feels things are getting on top of him. I’m not sure if this is something to do with it – just a possibility. Friends think that there have been too many “red flags” already in such a short-term relationship & it’s a lot for me to deal with considering it’s my first serious relationship too. I really do love this guy – though at the moment what can I do? He’s simply not responding to my messages / answering my calls. Any advice?

Get rid, fast, probably have by now.

Ursus Horribilis

Erm...did you not read her update only a few posts above this one?

bobbydog

Odus fell down wrote: »

Erm...did you not read her update only a few posts above this one?

Just read the OP, updated now thanks, she gave him a lot of consideration in fairness to her, decent.