I Cheated on my Girlfriend

LegacyUser

Before I say anything, I want to make it clear that I am not making any excuses.

I am with my girlfriend for just over two years. When we met I was a virgin and she wasnt, she had sex with a number of others before me. She said that it meant nothing, and I never thought that sex could mean nothing as it seemed special to me.

The idea of her sleeping with other men was tearing our relationship apart, it was causing arguments and was eventually going to lead to us breaking up. I know that that is messed up and that it is unfair. But unfortunately that is just the way it is, I am obviously messed up and thats not fair on her.

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to sleep with another person. I did. I knew it was wrong but I hoped that is could make me see that sex could be just sex and could mean nothing. I do feel horribly guilty over it but the thing is that I think that is actually saved our relationship.

We have been much happier since because her past doesn't bother me. The problem is that I always thought cheating was a disgusting thing, I still do. However, I also always thought that if someone cheated once off (not an affair) that the should keep it to themselves, spare their loved one the pain and be forced to keep the guilt as punishment.

Im thinking that I should keep it to myself because I couldnt stand to hurt her, but I also feel as though its wrong.

So basically should I confess, and cause more pain, or should I continue with a happy relationship holding onto the guilt of what I done?

Neyite

Mod:

As always folks, please keep your advice civil and helpful. Berating the OP is not on.

Leogirl

Honestly she deserves to know who she is with. You almost ruined your relationship because she had previous partner/s and then go sleep with someone else. It's low+ she deserves to know so she can walk away. I hope you were careful+ that you are careful with her, even with condoms you could be putting her sexual health at risk. If I wasn't afraid I'd get banned I'd say a lot more but you asked for advice, mine would be give her a chance to decide herself how she feels about it+ tell her the truth.

Nabber

Seems like you are justifying what you did OP.

Your girlfriend deserves some one better than you in my opinion. Can't see anything g she did wrong, she was honest which made you dishonest? If her past bothered you so much you should have left her.

Feel sorry for the girl, as I don't think you are as remorseful as you say you are.

She may also wanna be checked for STIs

strandroad

Previous partners and cheating are two different things. It's purely self serving to equate them.

She was never disloyal to you, in return you cheated on her because of your own issues, and now you feel somehow justified in your choice. She deserves to know so tell her - it's not going to last anyway if you have no respect for your partner.

Leave her and go sleep with other people, then once you have it out of your system find someone you do not feel the need to cheat on, you're clearly not mature enough now.

Penny Tration

She deserves the truth if for no other reason than she now needs to go get tested for STIs.

You made her past a problem for her and now you've cheated on her. That doesn't level the playing field, it means you've done another bad thing that she didn't deserve.

Tell her the truth.

Are you the same guy who has problems with his girlfriend sleeping with more people than him?

Tell her. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions.

Shadow1983

Deleted User wrote:

Are you the same guy who has problems with his girlfriend sleeping with more people than him?

That was my first thought too.

arayess

advice that is best for you and moral advice are not the same thing.,

my advice to you is to gauge the chances of being caught.
If it's low/medium - say nothing , suck up the guilt and use it as a penance.
Assuming you want to stay with her.

If it never happens again - so be it - lesson learned.

If it happens again she is not the one for you and it's the sign of bigger issues.
and you should end it for her sake.

I take issue with people who front up to their partners , I think they are cowards (most of the time) and are looking to ease their own guilt and transfer the decision/pain/whatever onto their own partner.
Just my thoughts.

People may disagree but I'be known plenty to have the one mistake and never do it again and continue being loving partners. I also know people who are just assholes and cheat a lot.

Only you will know where you stand over time.

Am I the only who is disgusted when people say, "don't tell her, you won't get caught"? And don't call it a mistake. It's not a mistake. It's a clearly thought through action. And you could have stopped yourself during it, but you didn't.

Own up to it. Do you think you can spend the rest of your life with her knowing that you did what you did and she doesn't know?

ncmc

It sounds like you slept with someone else to get revenge on your girlfriend for sleeping with people before you even met. That is seriously messed up. You don't even seem particularly sorry or regretful over cheating on her. Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong here, she deserves to know what you have done. Your relationship is a total lie now and it is completely unfair to your GF to carry on as if nothing has happened.

You need to get over this issue you have with women having a past, what is it this week with men expecting their girlfriends to be virgins when they meet??? Unless you can accept and move on with the fact that most potential GF will have slept with people before you, you are going to sabotage every relationship you enter.

CaraMay

The plain fact is that you cheated on your gf. I won't even go inþo your skewed rational for doing so. You slept with someone else. Your gf deserves to know and tbh you need to go to counselling to deal with your issues around sex.

LegacyUser

I am not making excuses. As Ive said I know what I done was so wrong, I know that I have issues and I know that my gf never done anything wrong.

Deleted User wrote: »

Are you the same guy who has problems with his girlfriend sleeping with more people than him?

Tell her. Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions.

Im not too sure what thats about, but Im not a usual user of boards might be something else?

Nabber wrote: »

Can't see anything g she did wrong, she was honest which made you dishonest?
She may also wanna be checked for STIs

She doesn't need to get checked for STD's, I was extremely careful.

Re the honest part. Actually the reason for my issues with her past is because at the start of the relationship she lied to me about her past. She told me she was a virgin and I later figured out myself that it wasnt true. I developed trust issues and didnt believe alot she told me re: sex including that she never actually wanted it, enjoyed it or that it means nothing.

I know I ****ed up big time. And I actually do hugely regret it but I just wanted to hear people thoughts if I should confess or not?

I always thought that you should not confess on a once off and keep the guilt to your self. That it also wouldnt be fair to put her through pain.

I know people might say that I coulndt love her if I done this. But I actually do, very much so. I just want peoples advice.

Penny Tration

She doesn't need STI testing because you were careful? Jesus wept.

Even if you used a condom perfectly, they can fail.

If it DIDN'T fail, there's also some lovely things like herpes, genital warts and pubic lice, all of which are transferrable even when using contraception.

strandroad

ICheatedonmygirlfriend wrote: »

I always thought that you should not confess on a once off and keep the guilt to your self. That it also wouldnt be fair to put her through pain.

That's just a convenient excuse which incidentally makes it easier to cheat again (I "took the pain" once, I can take it again).
It seems that it was very easy for you to cheat, and you don't trust your gf to make an informed decision either. What's the point? It's not love if you don't respect her.

ncmc

You've gotten people's advice, everyone bar one person has told you to confess. What kind of skewed logic do you have that you think it's ok to cheat once and not tell? Is that some unwritten rule no one else here has heard of??? it sounds like your cheating was almost premeditated by the way you describe it. You say you're not telling her to spare her feelings, give us a break, it's entirely self serving and you know it. You're trying to excuse your cheating now because of some lies she told you at the start of the relationship, which she probably did in a misguided attempt to spare your feelings. The two things aren't even comparable.

Tell her. She deserves to know the sort of man she's in a relationship with.

route9

You don't love her. You don't respect her. She probably only lied about being a virgin because she thought it was what she should say because she sensed you wanted to hear that. How on earth you could have been angry with her for being with other guys before you is a strange one.

The only option is to tell her and to deal with what happens next when it happens. You will both be better off for it and you will both be able to move on.

EoghanIRL

Here is how I see it.
She had previous sexual partners which is perfectly fine. She wasn't with you then.
What you did was wrong.Just as you know about her previous relationships, she deserves to know about this.

You cheated and it's not your decision to make. She should know and decide what she wants and how she feels about this.

In my opinion cheating once off is no different to having an affair. Cheating is cheating , no excuses. You have your opinions about this but they mightn't be the same as your partner's thoughts on the matter. She should be allowed decide herself.

Knasher

OP there is no such rule that says you shouldn't tell her if it is only once, and honestly you sound like you are trying to ask our permission to hide it from her. That's not on us, it's entirely a between you and your conscience. So to lay it out logically, and without judgement...

Either your conscience continues to gnaw away at you, and you end it because you can no longer be truly happy together with this niggling away at the back of your mind. Or you man up and tell her, and probably she ends it, as she should. In either of these situations, the sooner you end it, and the less strings that bind you, the better it will be for both of you.

Or your conscience doesn't, and the one thing I can promise you, is that there will be other "opportunities" followed by other "mistakes".

Ultimately who you are is up to you.

beks101

OK. So because you were a virgin when you hooked up and she wasn't, it's really her fault that you cheated? She forced you to "level the playing field" or attempt to "understand that sex can be meaningless"?

How would you feel if she did the same thing? Using the same logic, she might perhaps decide that she's "forgotten" what she's been missing about casual sex and choose to sleep with some randomer as a reminder. Doesn't feel so good, does it? Feels a bit like massive, gut-wretching betrayal, dishonesty and disloyalty that makes you want to throw up? Your girlfriend getting naked and intimate with some other guy to solve a few mental questions she has.

I think you need to come clean with your girlfriend if you want to be within a flying pig's chance of a healthy, mature relationship with her down the line. Tell her you were struggling with a few of your own issues and dealt with them in the most immature, selfish, self serving and deluded way possible. You're obviously that messed up that there's every chance you'll act out in such a way again. And if you've any love and respect for her you'll make her aware and let her deal with it as she needs to.

The alternative is to continue to lie to yourself about being some sort of martyr to your own actions and "taking the pain" while keeping her in the dark, which will basically make the entire premise of your relationship an utter farce.

Augme

Do you want to keep seeing her? That's the important part. If so then I wouldn't recommend telling her, nothing good will come of it.


I would recommend breaking up with her though. It sounds like you aren't mentally ready/able for a sexual relationship. If your heads not in a good place the chances of you being happy in a relationship are pretty slim. Get your head right and then concentrate on finding someone.

LegacyUser

My god, that is messed up OP. How on earth could you believe that you are 'levelling' things? She slept with people before you met her - which you judged her for (nasty) - and in some seriously screwed up logic, you think that means it's ok for you to cheat (even nastier). Words just fail me to describe what a horrible way that is to think.

3 things:
1) Minimum, you need to break up with her before you hurt & damage her even more.
2) I believe you are morally and ethically obliged to tell her about you cheating so that she can take steps to protect herself from infection.
3) sort yourself out so that you don't monumentally F up like this in the future - otherwise you're going to hurt yourself, mess with someone else's head, and continue on some really messed up path in life. You're currently not doing yourself any favours, let alone how crappy your behaviour is to your GF. I think the cheating is actually less of an issue than your nasty views tbh

R.D. aka MR.D

Do some work on your self-esteem.

If you guys break up which I hoping you do because she deserves better, then what happens with the next girl? She's slept with 5 guys and you've only slept with 2 girls. Well, obviously you'll have to go out and sleep with 3 more to even things up.

Can you see how warped that view is?

Break up with her so she doesn't waste any more time with you.

Neyite

OP, I think you are in denial and are trying to justify your cheating, and lots and lots of people do that - blaming their partner for all sorts of reasons as to why they were 'forced' to act out of character and cheat. You just don't want to be one of those guys that can shag behind their partners back and shrug it off as nothing. You want to be the nice guy that wouldn't do that. But that's not you any more - maybe it never was. There are actually very few people who can admit that they cheat because they want to, and because they can. You sound quite pleased you cheated, you enjoyed it and have no regrets.

But you'll only justify it that way to yourself. Or maybe to others who think the way that you do. The truth is that you freely chose to do it. You chose to sleep with someone else while in a monogamous relationship. That's it. Whatever way you try to justify, explain or excuse it, you really cant. So it's best that you don't because there really is no acceptable excuse for cheating. Really.

If you don't like the idea of being that guy, then you can work on yourself, your issues and change that. Most people who are not naturally cheaters would be stressed to the max if they did what you did, calling themselves all sorts of horrible things, taking a good long hard look at themselves and not liking what they see. Because we are all human and lots of us make mistakes. But non-cheaters who cheat are so shocked and disgusted at themselves that they usually admit it, or break up due to guilt, and never cheat again. You say that you feel guilty and feel you should live with the guilt, but honestly, you might have momentary pangs of guilt, however you are quite satisfied with your actions, so you aren't really feeling guilty. So not much of a burden for you to bear. Quite telling really.

The reason your relationship is good now is that your insecurities have been temporarily soothed, so you are behaving better in your relationship, making it more harmonious. All the issues within it are coming from you. But those insecurities will creep up again.And at some point you'll shag someone on your girlfriend again and try to validate it with another reason. She'll have done something else that you can use to excuse it the next time - maybe she'll have put on weight or you feel she's let herself go or having less time for you because of work/exams/baby or other reason. You'll find something to blame it on.

Because in your head, your cheating wont be your fault. You wont stand up and take responsibility enough to say "I cheated because I wanted to and because I could, and I'm happy I did" If you get caught down the line, the only regret you'll have is that you weren't careful enough to cover your tracks and the hassle of trying to convince a girlfriend/wife why its all on them and not you. Even risking the most amazing relationship wont stop you. Because you have your reasons to cheat as such, you'll feel quite justified that you cheated.

So there really isn't much advice that can be given other than if you really don't want to be that guy then don't be. Tell her, take the consequences that come, and move on from there.

Yurt2

Own up. You've done something sh*tty and broken someone's trust. You may not be able to redeem yourself in her eyes, but you can deal with this in the right way.

vertmann

Be honest here, you just want to brag to someone that you got your rocks off. You're bitter because you couldn't get laid before you met your girlfriend and you resent that she had more success than you did. You can dress this up whatever way you want but cheating is cheating. Your girlfriend thinks she's in an exclusive, monogamous relationship with a boyfriend who's not cheating on her.

I think you should confess to your girlfriend what you did and let her decide where to go next. It's only fair, seeing as she has been punished all along for daring to have had sex with other men before she met you.

Conor Bourke

I've a horrible feeling that if the issue of this girl's past has caused arguments already, the OP has probably given her a ferocious time and the only reason she's tolerated this sh!t from him so far and not told him to jog on is because of low self-esteem.

I wholeheartedly agree that he should tell her the truth but I'd bet my house that if he does, he'll only make her feel a hundred times worse by manipulating it to make her believe that it was her fault (which as so many others have so much more eloquently pointed out, it absolutely is not)

Tell her the truth. Do it like a man. Cut out this cowardly bullish!t and don't expect her or anyone here to pat you on the back and tell you what you did is okay. Grow up.

As someone else said, if it wasn't for fear of being banned I'd give you a real piece of my mind.

Kev W

Nabber wrote: »

Seems like you are justifying what you did OP.

Your girlfriend deserves some one better than you in my opinion. Can't see anything g she did wrong, she was honest which made you dishonest? If her past bothered you so much you should have left her.

Feel sorry for the girl, as I don't think you are as remorseful as you say you are.

She may also wanna be checked for STIs

Just quoting this because it bears repeating.

fancy pigeon

That's a very sad read. You don't love this girl, she's done nothing wrong to you. Yet you see her as "tainted" and she puts up with petty arguments over things that shouldn't affect a healthy relationship. Then you go off and do this to her

That strikes me as someone who hasn't the mental capacity to accept that women will have a past. I would bet it didn't bother her in the slightest with the other fellas she slept with. What if she has done the exact same as you have done? How would you feel?

You need to let this girl go as she deserves far, far better than this.

I'm just disgusted to say the least

zeffabelli

Sometimes I like the word unfaithful.

It's appropriate here, more so than cheating.

She told you how she felt about her experience. You chose not to believe her, you had to see for yourself.

Your lack of trust in her led you here. Why wasn't her word good enough for you?

Colser

Not only are you a cheat OP you are the worse type of cheat in that you blame someone for what you did.
Your girlfriend has done NOTHING wrong but you have and on top of that you have the cheek to blame her for what you did.
Tell her and dont word it in such a way as to blame her for it,you really need to grow up and see people for who they are and more important you need to see yourself for what you are,immature,insecure but worse off all you are manipulative because you did the dirt and are trying to justify it in a horrible twisted way.

Matteroffact

If I were you I would not own up to this unless you are confronted with it. I am not saying it is right or wrong, these things happen, I am just saying what I would do.

backspacer

Seriously man,don't be that dickhead..just tell her and see where the chips fall. Frankly you sound like you are trying to have it both ways and would wonder if you let yourself off on this one,what's to say you won't do it again next time somethibg she does bothers you.

Just man up and do the right thing by her.

Ethel

ICheatedOnMyGirlfriend wrote: »

I am with my girlfriend for just over two years. When we met I was a virgin and she wasnt, she had sex with a number of others before me. She said that it meant nothing and I never thought that sex could mean nothing as it seemed special to me.

Besides your justifying what you've done, the bit in bold alarms me. How did you get her to say that? The only way she would be taking this shît off you is if you were badgering a girl with low self esteem. Any woman secure in herself would tell you to eff off, and you'd be left eating her dust.

The insecurity about her past is your problem. The fact you've cheated is YOUR FAULT. Who are you to judge her?

You need to tell her the truth, but don't give her this BS about it being her fault. Grow a pair.

BreadnBuddha

There's one hell of a lot of judgement going on here!

OP, you did a crappy thing. You'll be lambasted for it here because, well, in here everyone wants to live in an idylic world where people only ever do right.

You might be a nasty piece of work in truth but you could just as easily be a good guy with little experience and a big dose of insecurity.

I'll go with the latter.

Stop thinking about ex partners, hers and yours. She's not with them now because they weren't good enough in some way. She's with you now for a reason. All you have to do is find the self-belief and confidence to be the guy she fell for, or better, not worse.

Cheating will only hurt that. You've made a terrible decision there. Why put yourself through it, let alone tell her now? Lots of people have made the same mistake and while you do yourself more emotional harm than you ever needed to by doing so, it's not a reason to presume you'll donot again or that your relationship or you are doomed.

The crowd here act like she'll be riddled with STI's. Straight question; Did she get tested before the two of you started sleeping together? Or is she relying on having previously practised safer sex, like most of the population will? If you also practised safer sex this time, tell me how it's any different.

Not saying which is right or wrong, just asking a few questions.

Exclamation Marc

Speaking from the point of view of someone who has been cheated on before; it's awful what you did, but if you continue on with the relationship and saying nothing and it eventually comes out (which it will, trust me), you will have no way back and you'll break that girls heart to pieces which will be hugely more awful than the cheating alone.

If my ex cheated on me and told me everything straight up; yes, I'd have broken up with her but at least somewhat respected her for owning up to it and letting me live my life how I wanted. What happened was that I found out through an argument nearly a year later and ended up hating the girl for a very long time (I'm over that part now) but I'll never have any respect for her. I also feel like I wasted that year of my life with her which I can never get back.

Cheating is a once off act. Lying to your other half and acting like nothing happened is a daily act you'll be carrying out if you keep your mouth shut about it. Don't lie to her, she deserves better. If you love her, you'll tell her and let her decide for herself. And look, what you have done will eventually come out anyway, whether you blurt it out or whether word gets back to her (Ireland is a TINY place).

And even if you look at it selfishly and forget your girlfriends feelings, is it worth your time being in a relationship where you will have this burning secret for the rest of your days? Because that feeling will never go away. You'll watch a film or something on TV and someone will cheat and you'll think about it. You might spot someone on a night out that reminds you of the other woman and you'll panic. Cheating will come up in conversations. It'll never leave your mind.

Tell her, she deserves to know. You may think you're sparing the pain now but you're just building it up for when it eventually comes out.

JeffKenna

fancy pigeon wrote: »

That strikes me as someone who hasn't the mental capacity to accept that women will have a past. I would bet it didn't bother her in the slightest with the other fellas she slept with.

I'm just disgusted to say the least

OP I just wanted to add my thoughts to this. A lot of judgement both of you and your girlfriend seems to have been made. Please bear in mind that none of these people actually know you so take everything with a pitch of salt. At the end of the day good people do bad things, one act doesn't define you as a person. Hell, if that was the case we'd all be screwed!

What I think you need to do ASAP is
1. Get yourself an STI check.
2. Go to see a counsellor to talk this through.

Best of luck

blueb

Dont say a word man!!

No good will come of it

cazzer22

blueb wrote: »

Dont say a word man!!

No good will come of it

Oh so the alternative is to essentially live a lie? He needs to tell her and let her walk away from a relationship that is toxic. He has broken her trust when all she did was be upfront and honest about her past (which she has nothing to be ashamed about). He has cheated on her and justified the cheating because she happened to be with other people too (when single and free to do as she wishes). Absolutely pathetic.

blueb

blueb wrote: »

Dont say a word man!!

No good will come of it

Lots of good will come from it. The OP's girlfriend will find out he's a jealous, insecure, and unfaithful so-and-so who doesn't love her. Thus the relationship, which has long been a sham, will hopefully end.

Yea, lots of good.. For her.

Augme

Deleted User wrote: »

Lots of good will come from it. The OP's girlfriend will find out he's a jealous, insecure, and unfaithful so-and-so who doesn't love her. Thus the relationship, which has long been a sham, will hopefully end.

Yea, lots of good.. For her.

I thought the point of PI was to give advice for the OP?

Taltos

Mod note:
And with those last few posts this thread is locked.
Posters - it was either this or start carding you, please take more care as next time we may have to do both.