Sometimes I am embarrassed by my fiancé

theoldbreed

Hi all,
So before I start maybe a bit of background. I'm quite reserved, wouldn't say shy but reserved. I can be uptight sometimes. My fiancé is the opposite he's very social, likes the limelight and is very chatty etc
He had no filter he could say anything for a joke. Sometimes he says things that I find a little crass and I feel a little embarrassed. He can be loud too. One or two mutual friends have said to me and to him that he says things that could be offensive. He was mortified as he doesn't mean them to be. They weren't saying it in a harsh way they were laughing and said they know what he's like and he doesn't mean it.
For example the wife of a friend was up shouting and dancing beside us and he said to his friend jokingly tell your woman to be quiet. His friend laughed but the wife was upset. I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded but I was mortified.
He is very smart, works in a hospital based hob where he is around people all day and they love his energy etc he is sweet and caring and has a big heart and is funny. I love him. We are opposite in ways and I tried to talk to him about it but he felt I wanted to change who he is which is not true. I'd just hate for people to leave our company and think what an a##hole.
I don't really know what I'm looking for to be honest just some feedback I guess.

tara73

hey OP, that's a difficult one.
I don't think there is very much you can do, you already tried to explain it to him in a calm manner, which is the way to do. friends mentioned it also to him and he's mainly thinking people want to change him. It's a pity he's not doing any selfreflection if more than one people are giving hints about it.

so I would say if you want to stay with him you need to bite the bullet with this one as you said you love him and he's a lovely person otherwise.

but one idea:
I visited friends this weekend and we stayed at their parents house and were sitting on the patio enjoying the lovely garden. the husband then got upset because the neighbours kids were playing at the adjoining communal space and he told them in a harsh way to go somewhere else. I immediately felt embarrased of his tone and behaviour, but it was none of my business, so stayed quiet. Later, when he was showing me the garden, I overheard that the wife was talking to the neighbour, saying that she hoped her husband wasn't too harsh with the kids, so she kind of apologized for her husbands bahaviour.
I found it kind of remarkable of the wife, because she kind of distanced herself from the husbands outburst and also apologised in a way.

I don't know if this is a possibility for you and in fairness, it would also be quite stressful to always be on the alert and aplogise for your bf's behaviour, but there might be situations where you really feel like you would like to distance yourself from the situation and showing the person in question you don't like what your bf just said or did.

MikeSD

Welcome to the new politically correct world where everybody walks around with a stick up their arse. Those people could do with fixing their insecurities more than he should change.

CaraMay

Op engagements tend to focus the mind and we have them for this reason as well as to have time to prepare for the day. Sounds to me like you are having second thoughts but as putting a nice slant on it. How did you get to the point that you are engaged and it's only annoying you now?

theoldbreed

CaraMay wrote: »

Op engagements tend to focus the mind and we have them for this reason as well as to have time to prepare for the day. Sounds to me like you are having second thoughts but as putting a nice slant on it. How did you get to the point that you are engaged and it's only annoying you now?

No I'm absolutely not having second thoughts at all. I've said it to him before so it's not just now. There's absolutely no badness in him, the reason I'm saying it now is because a mutual friend just said it on Saturday at a wedding after party. I didn't like the idea if people thinking negatively about him. I am more uptight than he as I said. I wish I didn't care so much what people think. It's more the fact I would hate to think people would sit there and laugh etc but then talk about him when he wasn't there.

CaraMay

What did this 'friend' say exactly? I dont think it's fair to try to change him op. The next girl he meets could think it's very endearing and love his personality. You seem to want him to change his personality to suit your friends?

cbyrd

A great quote that helps me live

' I am not responsible for the words that come out of your mouth, only for my reaction to them'

It is not your fiance's responsibility to mind his p's and q's, I've known peopple to take offence at very innocent statements.

As you are not responsible for his words, you shouldn't be taking the responsibility for it, equally no-one should get annoyed or blame you for his behavior unless you feel its guilt by association..

My reaction would be to ask them politely to get over themselves.

theoldbreed

CaraMay wrote: »

What did this 'friend' say exactly? I dont think it's fair to try to change him op. The next girl he meets could think it's very endearing and love his personality. You seem to want him to change his personality to suit your friends?

No I am not trying to change him. We are together a while and have been through a lot. O don't want anyone else. I know what he's like and he means no harm but I'd hate to think anyone else would. She said that he should watch his mouth before telling her to stop dancing and how dare he. Her husband was laughing, he said it jokingly. I know he meant nothing by it he was trying to be funny but obviously she didn't. She brought another woman into bathroom with her and they cane out and said that they had been discussing him in there.

The_Valeyard

Woman embarrassed by her partner.
Shocker :P


Ah OP, don't let it get to you, us lads do tend to do silly things from time to time and sometimes we do not realise we may have crossed a line. Just have a word with him if you feel he is gone a little to far. But it's sounds like it's just who he is, part of his character, part of his personality.

theoldbreed

The_Valeyard wrote: »

Woman embarrassed by her partner.
Shocker :P


Ah OP, don't let it get to you, us lads do tend to do silly things from time to time and sometimes we do not realise we may have crossed a line. Just have a word with him if you feel he is gone a little to far. But it's sounds like it's just who he is, part of his character, part of his personality.

Yeah you're absolutely right. His personality is one of the reasons I love him. He is a great character, okay he says stupid things sometimes but I should not care what others think of him.

CaraMay

You should have told her to speak to him directly. Problem solved. We all have friends whose husbands come out with lined they think are funny and no one else does...

There is no way around this op, that's his sense of humour.

Augme

I wouldn't recommend trying to change him but what I would recommend is telling him that people can perceive him the wrong way. If he seemed mortified before as you said then he must care about what people think about him.

One thing I have often noticed is that there are a lot of people who love to insult people and dress it up as a "joke". Most people will be nice and friendly to them in person but will often deep down think this person is just an asshole. There is a fine line between being the joke and just being a bit of dickhead.

I have no problem with people saying anything crass/crude in a general terms but I do think telling someone to be quiet is something that is offensive.

I say lots of crude things but if I said something to someone that was insulted about it I'd apologise and curtail my behaviour around them. Now I could simply shrug my shoulders and say it's their problem but I think that's a bit of a dickhead thing to do. I do think it says a lot about a person who insults someone and has no problem with it.

freshpopcorn

Sometimes men can be more blunt about things for example your fiancée said out loud would you ever tell that one to stop shouting and dancing. Whilst your female friend went off to the toilet gossiping about your fiancée. In my opinion at least you know where you stand with people like your fiancée.

retro:electro

I don't think the op is trying to change him to suit her friends at all. I think she is trying to spare him being talked about or laughed at behind his back, she cares about him and that's why she is looking for advice on what to do. When you love someone the last thing you want is for people to potentially be talking behind their back and possibly cause them some hurt. I don't think his actions bother the op per se, more the fact that that they bother others is what bothers/embarrasses her.

freshpopcorn

anna080 wrote: »

I don't think the op is trying to change him to suit her friends at all. I think she is trying to spare him being talked about or laughed at behind his back, she cares about him and that's why she is looking for advice on what to do. When you love someone the last thing you want is for people to potentially be talking behind their back and possibly cause them some hurt. I don't think his actions bother the op per se, more the fact that that they bother others is what bothers her.

People who talk about you behind your back are always going to pick up on something to niggle at be it your clothes,body employment, personalty,etc.
These people aren't worth bothering with and least the fiancée is being himself.

theoldbreed

Augme wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend trying to change him but what I would recommend is telling him that people can perceive him the wrong way. If he seemed mortified before as you said then he must care about what people think about him.

One thing I have often noticed is that there are a lot of people who love to insult people and dress it up as a "joke". Most people will be nice and friendly to them in person but will often deep down think this person is just an asshole. There is a fine line between being the joke and just being a bit of dickhead.

I have no problem with people saying anything crass/crude in a general terms but I do think telling someone to be quiet is something that is offensive.

I say lots of crude things but if I said something to someone that was insulted about it I'd apologise and curtail my behaviour around them. Now I could simply shrug my shoulders and say it's their problem but I think that's a bit of a dickhead thing to do. I do think it says a lot about a person who insults someone and has no problem with it.

The woman was shouting and dancing beside us, her husband said to my fiancé god women and rolled his eyes to which my fiancé said tell your woman to be quiet. It was all in a joking manner. He wasn't insulting her dressed up as a joke. When he realised she took it as an insult he did apologise. She was the one that made a big deal about it with bringing the other woman into the bathroom and then bringing it up again.
I was embarrassed when I thought people were talking about him. When I say crude he thinks toilet humour is funny, I don't. Things like that.

What someone said earlier really struck me. If someone doesn't like him so be it. People do have a stick up their ass, me included at times. That's not his problem.

theoldbreed

anna080 wrote: »

I don't think the op is trying to change him to suit her friends at all. I think she is trying to spare him being talked about or laughed at behind his back, she cares about him and that's why she is looking for advice on what to do. When you love someone the last thing you want is for people to potentially be talking behind their back and possibly cause them some hurt. I don't think his actions bother the op per se, more the fact that that they bother others is what bothers/embarrasses her.

Nail on the head. Thank you

LegacyUser

OP, I have a slightly different take on it than some. My friend has fallen in love with a man that I can only describe as the last person that I would want her to end up with.

He is one of those loud, up for the craic people, a bit like you other half. He is highly offensive, insensitive and an all around ass. We (her friends) only tolerate him for her sake. He puts his foot in it within minutes of meeting him and is someone that we actively avoid. He has insulted us repeatedly, embarrassed us regularly and made us cringe every single time that we have seen him. He has made people cry, plenty are upset by him, etc.

She knows the score. We grin and bear it because we are her friends. The thing is, she needs to pull him up on his behaviour but she won't. She cried one night because she said she knows that we don't like him..we don't. Only so many times that you can take that sort of behaviour.

In your position, I would view it as him lacking the social know how and grace to be able to behave in a way that doesn't upset other people. If he says something inappropriate, pull him aside and tell him that it was inappropriate. That way, he can apologise. It isn't about other people being too uptight, clearly there is an issue if several people have commented. Equally, it is not about changing him, it is about teaching him a new way of looking at the world.

dudara

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dudara

theoldbreed

Friend's OH like that wrote: »

OP, I have a slightly different take on it than some. My friend has fallen in love with a man that I can only describe as the last person that I would want her to end up with.

He is one of those loud, up for the craic people, a bit like you other half. He is highly offensive, insensitive and an all around ass. We (her friends) only tolerate him for her sake. He puts his foot in it within minutes of meeting him and is someone that we actively avoid. He has insulted us repeatedly, embarrassed us regularly and made us cringe every single time that we have seen him. He has made people cry, plenty are upset by him, etc.

She knows the score. We grin and bear it because we are her friends. The thing is, she needs to pull him up on his behaviour but she won't. She cried one night because she said she knows that we don't like him..we don't. Only so many times that you can take that sort of behaviour.

In your position, I would view it as him lacking the social know how and grace to be able to behave in a way that doesn't upset other people. If he says something inappropriate, pull him aside and tell him that it was inappropriate. That way, he can apologise. It isn't about other people being too uptight, clearly there is an issue if several people have commented. Equally, it is not about changing him, it is about teaching him a new way of looking at the world.

Hmmm I don't think it's that bad. He has never made anyone cry. Two people commented the woman who was shouting and dancing and the woman who went into the toilet with her who knows him longer than I do and she was defending him.
He's very smart, doesn't lack grace of any kind. His humour isn't for everyone is all. My friends do like him, they regularly invite us places and I know they would tell me if they didn't. If they described him as an ass I'd be upset too. One or two people have told me I need to loosen up and I think that's correct.

OneOfThem

theoldbreed wrote: »

Hi all,
So before I start maybe a bit of background. I'm quite reserved, wouldn't say shy but reserved. I can be uptight sometimes. My fiancé is the opposite he's very social, likes the limelight and is very chatty etc
He had no filter he could say anything for a joke. Sometimes he says things that I find a little crass and I feel a little embarrassed. He can be loud too. One or two mutual friends have said to me and to him that he says things that could be offensive. He was mortified as he doesn't mean them to be. They weren't saying it in a harsh way they were laughing and said they know what he's like and he doesn't mean it.
For example the wife of a friend was up shouting and dancing beside us and he said to his friend jokingly tell your woman to be quiet. His friend laughed but the wife was upset. I know he didn't mean it the way it sounded but I was mortified.
He is very smart, works in a hospital based hob where he is around people all day and they love his energy etc he is sweet and caring and has a big heart and is funny. I love him. We are opposite in ways and I tried to talk to him about it but he felt I wanted to change who he is which is not true. I'd just hate for people to leave our company and think what an a##hole.
I don't really know what I'm looking for to be honest just some feedback I guess.

Well you know, the thing is, in his position he could be worried that people would leave your company and think "what an asshole" about you because they read your reserved nature and the fact you can be a bit uptight as you being up yourself or rude or unfriendly or whatever. But that'd be their problem, not yours and not your fiancé's. I'm sure in that situation, your hope would be that your fiancé would value you being yourself over worrying that other people would make inaccurate assumptions about you, and you probably wouldn't feel over the moon about him 'having a talk with you about it'.

theoldbreed

OneOfThem wrote: »

Well you know, the thing is, in his position he could be worried that people would leave your company and think "what an asshole" about you because they read your reserved nature and the fact you can be a bit uptight as you being up yourself or rude or unfriendly or whatever. But that'd be their problem, not yours and not your fiancé's. I'm sure in that situation, your hope would be that your fiancé would value you being yourself over other people making assumptions about you and having a talk with you about it.

I see your point and I completely agree. I have had it said that people think I'm posh or snobby before they get to know me. Funny thing is I don't give two hoots about what people say about me!
You are very right. People should be allowed to be true to themselves and if it isn't to everyone's taste well so be it.

Zen65

theoldbreed wrote: »

I know what he's like and he means no harm but I'd hate to think anyone else would.

There will always be some people who take offence, let you not think otherwise. If your bf was very quiet, some people will distrust him and believe he must be thinking ill of them. If he was constantly polite there will be some people who will say he's a wimp, or disingenuous, or smarmy.

In short, there is no personality that will not conflict with anybody else's. It seems to me that if your bf makes you happy, and makes many other people happy, and he's basically a good guy and responsible in most ways, he's a keeper. Do not be troubled that some people cannot handle a man / woman who speaks their mind without excessive PC filters.

Be at peace,

Z

retro:electro

Op I think as long as he is not intentionally offending anyone then I think your friends need to lighten up. I have a friend who has absolutely no filter, he speaks without thinking and often says stupid things, but behind that he has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. Im sure your fiancé isn't a mean person, and I get that youre just trying to prevent him from getting hurt. Some people will get offended by the slightest things.

That girl may have just been embarrassed that she was called out and was more than likely drunk, Im sure she has forgotten about it now. As long as his heart is in the right place I don't think he is doing anything wrong.

MissFlitworth

OP I too would be very reserved and I have to watch myself with more outspoken or gregarious people that I don't see their behaviour through the lens of my own personality & experience, if that makes sense. My boyfriend is much more outspoken than me and some of how he deals with people or behaves (he's v. fond of car horn honking for example) would make me very embarrassed if I were to do it because I am *way* overly polite, so it's not that he's doing anything wrong, just doing stuff that would put me on edge if I were doing it. It's cool though, we're a good match in that being around him helps me not be quite so ridiculously polite when it's not necessary (ie a walkover) and being around me helps him not scare people by beeping at them when they're trying to park etc. Honestly, enjoy the differences in your personalities!

CaraMay

I get the impression though that this isn't a once off? Her post said 'sometimes' so it doesn't sound like a once off. Op does this happen regularly?

alias06

He sounds like good craic! Leave the man alone.

beks101

My mother is very outgoing and social; my father is more reserved and a bit socially aloof at times.

Over the years I've seen him be a bit socially awkward and my poor aul mam going forty shades of red or scowling him or apologizing to their company after he'd made or done something daft; in turn I've seen him roll the eyes when she stops to talk to an acquaintance for the 40th time on the prom or chew the ear off some relative about something inane or tell anything that moves what she's had for breakfast and what her plans are for the day.

They're together 35 years and one wouldn't function without the other.

Relationships can be culture shocks at times. They can take you outside of your comfort zone; they can test you, they can reveal you.

Some of my OH's friends are lets say not to my taste at all. He comes from a very different family background and hung out with some unsavoury characters and did some unsavoury things in his youth, which he's since moved on from but these people form a part of his past. I smile and nod and talk about the weather when I'm in their company; we have them around sometimes for dinner, I laugh at their jokes and get on with it.

Sometimes I drive him daft and either retreat into my own little world or become overly emotional about totally irrational things, depending on the day of the week (god love him :rolleyes:)- he rolls his eyes and gives me a wide berth for a few hours or buys me chocolate and gives me a hug and tells me I'm great despite thinking I'm mental.

Sometimes his grammar is appalling or he gets too 'laddy' and loud and annoying if he's with his work mates. And then it's my turn to roll my eyes.

The point is, in the wider scheme of things, what matters is how good and decent and honest this guy is and how much you love him. Is he good to you? Do you work well together as a couple? Do you smile together, laugh together, look forward to building the same life together? Do you trust him and does he trust you? Is he on your side in life? These are the things that make or break the best couples; the rest is white noise.

My OH would give anyone the shirt off his back before he'd even think about himself and he won't let a day pass without telling me how deadly I am and how much he loves me. And we belly-laugh at the most ridiculous, offensive, terrible things on a daily basis. And I wouldn't be without him, for all of our differences.

And as a final note - perhaps you DO need to loosen up a little, learn to laugh at yourself a bit, learn to laugh at offensive, terrible things I think the best relationships are where you have the opportunity to grow as a person, to see the world in a different way, to maybe adapt some new social skills.

theoldbreed

MissFlitworth wrote: »

OP I too would be very reserved and I have to watch myself with more outspoken or gregarious people that I don't see their behaviour through the lens of my own personality & experience, if that makes sense. My boyfriend is much more outspoken than me and some of how he deals with people or behaves (he's v. fond of car horn honking for example) would make me very embarrassed if I were to do it because I am *way* overly polite, so it's not that he's doing anything wrong, just doing stuff that would put me on edge if I were doing it. It's cool though, we're a good match in that being around him helps me not be quite so ridiculously polite when it's not necessary (ie a walkover) and being around me helps him not scare people by beeping at them when they're trying to park etc. Honestly, enjoy the differences in your personalities!

Also a good point. I think it's the difference in personality. He's like an energizer bunny, always buzzing and I'm reserved. I think I am seeing this through the lens of my own personality. It makes sense when I think of it like that.
People wonder where he gets his energy from. He changes the lyrics of songs to describe the situation we could be in, he's very quick. He's just a buzz in social situations, I'm not so it's not surprising I feel a bit uncomfortable for want of a better word. The toilet humour not so much for me but that's down to taste. I feel terrible now for letting that incident cloud my mind so easily.

lazybones32

theoldbreed wrote: »

.. I'm quite reserved, wouldn't say shy but reserved. I can be uptight sometimes...

You're the one who's feeling embarrassed but he should change? Maybe instead of controlling his behaviour, you could take a lesson from it? Learn how to be more spontaneous and less concerned about perceived 'rules' etc...let go of that uptightness?

You're his fiancee, not his mommy. If people are going to say mean things about him either let them or stand up for him. Don't try wrap him in cotton wool.

JeffKenna

theoldbreed wrote: »

She brought another woman into bathroom with her and they cane out and said that they had been discussing him in there.

Have you considered that perhaps it's the group of friends that are the issue and not your OH?

anewme

dont ever try to change anyone. It does not work. It leads to stress on both parties and only causes trouble. If there are any changes to be made, then the person has to do it themselves.

But I disagree slightly with some of the opinions here. instead of telling op to lighten up, maybe he should also tone it down a bit, especially in other peoples company. The woman took a bit of a slight and this seems a bit OTT, but maybe she just had enough of him.

As Tayto said, there's always one.

An example....one of our extended social groups has a couple like yourselves, both good people in general, but he is always described as having a heart of gold. It's usually said like an excuse......but, he has a heart of gold.

He is loud, he thinks he is funny(crude and crass toilet humour), the "jokey" insults, tries to be the life and soul of the party. I can see how he totally rubs people up the wrong way but it's ok, as he has a heart of gold.

While he is not a bad person overall, I find him a pain in the hole. I find his humour childish after about five minutes and I cringe when he starts the jokey insults with people. He is one to give a wide berth to. He would bore a hole through you. If he latches onto something like a joke or something, he goes on about it all night, people end up wanting to strangle him after he says it again for the 50th time. I kind of feel bad saying that, because I had a serious conversation with him one evening and when he drops all that crap, he is a good guy.

maybe the woman had just had enough of the "gregarious"personality and snapped over one little thing.

So I hope I am not coming across as harsh on your partner OP, just maybe he ought to respect other people's boundaries a bit as well. If he knows not everyone likes crass jokes, then don't tell them in company.

theoldbreed

anewme wrote: »

dont ever try to change anyone. It does not work. It leads to stress on both parties and only causes trouble. If there are any changes to be made, then the person has to do it themselves.

But I disagree slightly with some of the opinions here. instead of telling op to lighten up, maybe he should also tone it down a bit, especially in other peoples company. The woman took a bit of a slight and this seems a bit OTT, but maybe she just had enough of him.

As Tayto said, there's always one.

An example....one of our extended social groups has a couple like yourselves, both good people in general, but he is always described as having a heart of gold. It's usually said like an excuse......but, he has a heart of gold.

He is loud, he thinks he is funny(crude and crass toilet humour), the "jokey" insults, tries to be the life and soul of the party. I can see how he totally rubs people up the wrong way but it's ok, as he has a heart of gold.

While he is not a bad person overall, I find him a pain in the hole. I find his humour childish after about five minutes and I cringe when he starts the jokey insults with people. He is one to give a wide berth to. He would bore a hole through you. If he latches onto something like a joke or something, he goes on about it all night, people end up wanting to strangle him after he says it again for the 50th time. I kind of feel bad saying that, because I had a serious conversation with him one evening and when he drops all that crap, he is a good guy.

maybe the woman had just had enough of the "gregarious"personality and snapped over one little thing.

So I hope I am not coming across as harsh on your partner OP, just maybe he ought to respect other people's boundaries a bit as well. If he knows not everyone likes crass jokes, then don't tell them in company.

No you're not harsh, I respect your opinion. Maybe some people do find him to be a pain in the hole the same way they might find me to be a bit stand offish or 'posh'. You can't please everyone.

Regarding this other woman, she doesn't even know him or us that well he is very good friends with her husband. They wouldn't spend a lot of time in each other's company which is why her reaction threw me. Later that evening after drinking red wine from a pint glass she vomited all over the sink in the ladies toilet. I would find that more crass than what he said so I was annoyed. What she does is none of my business, I care about him.

In his job, he meets people every day and works with older people especially. I've been with him in town when children of these people have come up to him and thanked him and told him that his personality brightens their mother/father's day. I know he's the same in work with jokes and songs so I was hurt for him tbh regarding the other situation and annoyed that I let it embarrass me.As I said before he is a live wire I'm not and even before I wrote this I knew I needed to loosen up so people are right.
Someone as gregarious as him isn't going to suit everyone and that's okay.

anewme

theoldbreed wrote: »

My fiancé is the opposite he's very social, likes the limelight and is very chatty etc
He had no filter he could say anything for a joke. Sometimes he says things that I find a little crass and I feel a little embarrassed. He can be loud too. One or two mutual friends have said to me and to him that he says things that could be offensive. He was mortified as he doesn't mean them to be. They weren't saying it in a harsh way they were laughing and said they know what he's like and he doesn't mean it.

I wasn't just going on the woman incident.....more by your opening paragraph, when I read the words below, I immediately thought of the guy I know. There is normally one at every event and they can put years on you.

....loves the limelight....no filter....say anything for a joke....crass

Your point that one or two mutual friends have said to me that he says things that could be offensive followed by....

they know what he's like and he doesn't mean it.

Well the woman obviously did not know what he was like and got the hump. I know friends can wind each other up with the banter etc, but if he did not even know that woman, how would he know she would not be annoyed by a "smartass" joke?

People sometimes think they can wind people up "say anything for a joke" and when they called out on it, try and pass it off as "can you not take a joke"

I'll give you an example of the guy I know, at one event he kept winding up one of the Waitresses. It was something silly like, me and you are going to get married....and then later on....ah there's my wife to be.....and so on and on and on. It started off as a joke and it was only meant as a joke, but he kept it up and kept it up and kept it up. It was clear the girl was feeling uncomfortable but rather than drop it, because he had no self awareness he kept it going. Eventually someone went to the counter and the girl was in tears and did not want to come back to our table and have to interact with him any more. He was then upset that he had upset her, but it was just him being him. It's that sort of silly stuff, no harm meant but no sense that people don't want to be slagged off for a cheap laugh.


If mutual friends are saying it to you, you've spotted it yourself, now he's insulted some woman (you saying she vomited everywhere is only deflecting the problem back to her) when really he should not have said that to her at all in the first place.

Your defending his actions when it has been raised by a number of people sounds a bit like "everyone's out of step except my Johnny"

Children are taught to behave in social situations from a young age, steer away from politics, race, religion, sex Your Finance should become a bit more self aware. It is not acceptable to have "no filter" or just "say anything for a joke" Its not a joke if its offensive at someone else's expense. He is an adult and should not have to be told how to behave in public.

theoldbreed

anewme wrote: »

I wasn't just going on the woman incident.....more by your opening paragraph, when I read the words below, I immediately thought of the guy I know. There is normally one at every event and they can put years on you.

....loves the limelight....no filter....say anything for a joke....crass

Your point that one or two mutual friends have said to me that he says things that could be offensive followed by....

they know what he's like and he doesn't mean it.

Well the woman obviously did not know what he was like and got the hump. I know friends can wind each other up with the banter etc, but if he did not even know that woman, how would he know she would not be annoyed by a "smartass" joke?

People sometimes think they can wind people up "say anything for a joke" and when they called out on it, try and pass it off as "can you not take a joke"

I'll give you an example of the guy I know, at one event he kept winding up one of the Waitresses. It was something silly like, me and you are going to get married....and then later on....ah there's my wife to be.....and so on and on and on. It started off as a joke and it was only meant as a joke, but he kept it up and kept it up and kept it up. It was clear the girl was feeling uncomfortable but rather than drop it, because he had no self awareness he kept it going. Eventually someone went to the counter and the girl was in tears and did not want to come back to our table. It's that sort of silly stuff, no harm meant but no sense that people don't want to be slagged off for a cheap laugh.


If mutual friends are saying it to you, you've spotted it yourself, now he's insulted some woman (you saying she vomited everywhere is only deflecting the problem back to her) when really he should not have said that to her at all in the first place.

Your defending his actions when it has been raised by a number of people sounds a bit like "everyone's out of step except my Johnny"

Children are taught to behave in social situations from a young age, steer away from politics, race, religion, sex Your Finance should become a bit more self aware. It is not acceptable to have "no filter" or just "say anything for a joke" Its not a joke if its offensive at someone else's expense. He is an adult and should not have to be told how to behave in public.

He does like the limelight, will regularly get up to sing etc. I mentioned about thinking toilet humour is funny, I don't, that's what I meant by crass and no filter. I've never heard him make a comment about appearance or anything like that.

The mutual friends are the woman in question and the woman who went into bathroom with her, it's irrelevant how long we've known each other. I'll have to disagree with you about deflecting. My point was she didn't like what he said about sitting down. I wasn't impressed with going into the bathroom with vomit everywhere. This is a regular occurrence apparently so I thought it was a bit contradictory of her to make a big deal of a comment he made. I was very embarrassed when she made a big deal of it.

I haven't defended anything. I've been very honest and open. When anyone has questioned anything I've tried to explain it as best I can over an Internet forum. I have never nor will I ever apologise for him. There is no need for me to that. He doesn't have a filter he's very open, that doesn't mean he goes around insulting people, that's not what I meant.

His outgoing nature and confidence is different to mine. It makes me uncomfortable because I can't imagine myself being like that. I think embarrassed was the wrong choice of word.

I would never tell anyone how to behave. I'm a teacher I do that in school, I certainly won't do it with grown adults. If he's not everyone's cup of tea that's fine. If I'm not that's fine.

I've had some really good feedback here so thank you to everyone. I've realised a few things about myself also which was unexpected but I'm glad I did.

Mods you can close this thread now please.

freshpopcorn

It sounds like your happy marrying this guy and he seems like a nice guy. Good luck. Your friend would probably find something else to criticise if this wasn't the issue.
Good luck with the wedding and ye're future.

anewme

Good Luck with your Fiance. Getting up to sing etc is good fun and getting the party started etc.

I think embarrassed might be the wrong phrase and appreciate that sometimes it can be difficult to explain a situation over the internet.

It seemed from your initial post that this was an ongoing thing involving a number of different people saying he said offensive and crass things and not just the one incident.

That said, perhaps you could ask your Fiance to stop with the toilet humour in general. It is one of those things that does make people uncomfortable in social situations and often does reflect badly on the person.

Good Luck in the Future.

dudara

Closing thread as per the OP's wishes

dudara