Boyfriend and moving in

The Red Shoes

My boyfriend & I have been together 10 months. It's been a pretty intense relationship from the start & we spend most nights together. I'm in an apartment share, he lives alone. He began talking about us moving in together after about three months of dating. I felt that was too soon as I wanted greater relationship security before moving in.

We discussed it and he suggested we speak about it again once we'd been dating a year. At the same time he continued to talk about what life would be like when we move in etc & would sometimes send me rental properties to look at. I found the hypothetical dreaming combined with a shelving of any serious discussion odd but as I wasn't ready to move in I accepted it as it was.

After seven or so months of dating he had to move house so we discussed it again. I was open moving in together, although it was a little earlier than I would have ideally liked. However, he said he wanted to be sure we were moving in together for the right reasons and not because of leases or finances. He was unwilling to look at house share options so took on a year's lease. The lease stipulated single residency.

I told him that as we're both in our mid-30s I'd prefer not to wait a year to move in & he said that he felt the same. He said that if he couldn't negotiate a sub-let he'd forfeit his deposit when we decided to move in together.

For the past few years I've been saving for a deposit. Before I met him I intended to buy this year. He asked me to postpone that so that we might buy together in a couple of years. Recently, a really suitable property has come on the market though & after viewing we both loved it. I'm organising finance at the moment. He had said he'd prefer if we were doing it together but that as he isn't in a position to buy & won't be for a few years he's happy for me to do so & then we can sort out ownership once we marry.

Yesterday when discussing it he asked if I was to get it when would I expect him to move in given that he had a lease to honour until next year. He said he could maybe move a month or two before the end of his lease but to pay rent in two places earlier would be unrealistic. I replied that it would surely be the same as we'd agreed for moving into a rental property & asked if he thought that wasn't on the cards until the end of his lease either. He said he was only asking what would happen, that we're only together 10months, that we'd agreed not to discuss this until a year, that I was focusing on one small thing he said, that I over analyse & overthink little things etc.

I just feel so down after yesterday. I want moving in together to be exciting, not something to row about. I just don't understand why he talks all the time about it & yet doesn't seem to want to do it. It's not me bringing up living together, & babies & where we'll get married & yet I'm starting to feel like it's only fantasy. I've no expectation for him to be ready for all these things after 10months but why talk about them if he isn't?

OneOfThem

I think it's reasonable to not want to pay rent on two places, and for him to want to postpone moving in until his lease runs out. What's a few more months when you are planning a lifetime together sure?

That said. To exit a lease, all a tenant must do is provide for the landlord an alternative tenant willing to take his place. He shouldn't have any problem getting someone by popping an ad on Daft. The landlord doesn't have to agree to this, or sign off on the tenant in question. As long as you can say "I'm leaving but here's someone else willing to move in and pay the rent" your legal obligation in relation to the lease has been met. Although not a lot of people know this apparently, so it's likely your bf doesn't either. So there's the issue of him paying two rents if he leaves before the lease is up sorted.

The Red Shoes

Thanks OneOfThem, when he took on the lease we discussed sub-letting or assigning the lease as what we would do if we were to move in together. He said worse case scenario was he'd lose his deposit. I just don't understand why he's now taking about seeing out the lease or most of it.

Magicmatilda

Maybe he is more apprehensive because it is not a house you will share together but rather it is your house. You own it, you will be named on the deeds and if things go wrong he will have to leave, no questions. When he asked you to postpone buying, did you agree? If you did then you are moving the goalposts as much as he is.

I am not saying that you would be in the wrong to have bought the house but it may have an impact on his eagerness to move. He might feel like all the decision about decor and how to live will be yours as it is your house, whereas were you renting together he would have been an equal.

Have you asked him why he has changed his mind?

The Red Shoes

Thanks Magicmatilda, no I didn't agree as such but I did say I'd think about it & in practice I put looking on the backburner so I suppose in effect I did.

Yes, he is concerned about it being my place & not ours & I can see why. Any looking I've done I've included him & sought his input. He is very interested in this place, but is understandably concerned about not being an owner. He said it's not how he imagined building a home & starting a family. I think the reality is that he'd prefer to do this in 5 or so years whereas my biological clock is bringing things forward.

When I asked he wouldn't acknowledge that the question showed a change of mind, he said that I was overthinking things & that I was too focused on one simple question.

OneOfThem

The Red Shoes wrote: »

Thanks Magicmatilda, no I didn't agree as such but I did say I'd think about it & in practice I put looking on the backburner so I suppose in effect I did.

Yes, he is concerned about it being my place & not ours & I can see why. Any looking I've done I've included him & sought his input. He is very interested in this place, but is understandably concerned about not being an owner. He said it's not how he imagined building a home & starting a family. I think the reality is that he'd prefer to do this in 5 or so years whereas my biological clock is bringing things forward.

When I asked he wouldn't acknowledge that the question showed a change of mind, he said that I was overthinking things & that I was too focused on one simple question.

You said he would be in a position to buy a house in a couple of years. So would it be possible to have an agreement that he can continue to save, and then in a couple of years he can repay you his half of the deposit and you can put him on the deed? Or simply put him on the deed from the beginning, and consider you paying the deposit to be you paying your half and loaning him his half? Pretty sure that marriage, or even cohabitation (after two years if you go on to have any children, or five years if you do not), will mean he will have a legal claim to the home regardless of who paid the deposit in anyway.

The Red Shoes

Thanks for your reply. Good idea about him saving towards the deposit, what we've spoken about is putting him on the deeds after a couple of years but this way he'd feel like he's contributing.

We spoke again last night & sorted some things out. Feeling a lot better now. Was just insecure yesterday as I worried we were on very different timescales.

Thanks for all the replies.

Magicmatilda

Glad you got it sorted.