Little Humans Query

Kintarō Hattori

Hi Folks,

I'm wondering if someone can help point me in the right direction.
May partner and I are now at the stage in our relationship where we're considering children. However we're very undecided as to whether to have a baby or not. Personally as the male I'm happy with it just being the two of us but she's conflicted. I will be 100% supportive though if she wants to have a baby.

I'm just not entirely sure her reasons are the right reasons to have a baby and this is what I'm hoping to get some professional guidance on. We've talked and talked on this and I really feel we need help. I think a counsellor or psychologist would be more along the lines of what we need as opposed to family planning.

eviltwin

What do you mean by 'her reasons aren't the right reasons'

Kintarō Hattori

eviltwin wrote: »

What do you mean by 'her reasons aren't the right reasons'

That's not something I plan on going into here chief. I'm just looking for someone we can speak with, someone who can offer some professional guidance. I'm not sure where to go looking for that.

eviltwin

Relationship counselling would be your best option then.

Stheno

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

That's not something I plan on going into here chief. I'm just looking for someone we can speak with, someone who can offer some professional guidance. I'm not sure where to go looking for that.

Accord maybe?

http://www.accord.ie/services/marriage-and-relationship-counselling

Magicmatilda

Professional guidance on whether to have a baby is a strange concept. No professional can help you there. A relationship counsellor might be able to help or she could go to counselling.

Kintarō Hattori

That's great folks. I guess it is more relationship counselling that we need. We're a strong couple, we've been together over a decade but we're unsure on how to deal with this.

I'll make a point of calling Accord. Is there anyone else like this that we can turn to?

Kintarō Hattori

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Professional guidance on whether to have a baby is a strange concept. No professional can help you there. A relationship counsellor might be able to help or she could go to counselling.

My wording may not be A1 and it's difficult not to type out an essay on the issue.
The simple fact is that some folk know they want a baby, some don't, some deal with it if they become pregnant and some folk, like us, aren't exactly sure it's what we want due to other complicating factors.

It's not a decision either of us want to enter into lightly. I'd have thought it sensible to seek out a little help on the matter.

Dial Hard

Tbh, if, after over a decade together, you don't definitively know whether or not you want children, I don't think there's much counselling can achieve. It sounds to me like she wants them, you don't and you're hoping counselling might somehow talk her out of it. And I can tell you here and now that that's not going to happen.

Stheno

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

That's great folks. I guess it is more relationship counselling that we need. We're a strong couple, we've been together over a decade but we're unsure on how to deal with this.

I'll make a point of calling Accord. Is there anyone else like this that we can turn to?

I mentioned accord as they are not affiliated with any particular religion/ethos, there are others but you'd have to check their ethos
edit I was wrong on accord, see below

You could also try the albany clinic, but it would be more expensive
http://albanycliniccounselling.com/

eviltwin

Any counselling will just allow you to discuss your concerns in a safe space. No one can tell you if and when you should have a baby but if you are at odds over the reason to have a child it might help you understand each others point of view better.

Dial Hard

Stheno wrote: »

I mentioned accord as they are not affiliated with any particular religion/ethos/

Accord have a strong Catholic ethos.

Kintarō Hattori

Dial Hard wrote: »

Tbh, if, after over a decade together, you don't definitively know whether or not you want children, I don't think there's much counselling can achieve. It sounds to me like she wants them, you don't and you're hoping counselling might somehow talk her out of it. And I can tell you here and now that that's not going to happen.

Actually if she herself was sure that she wanted a little whippersnapper then I'd be 100% behind it and raise it to be the best little tyke it could be. I don't want to talk her out of anything, I don't want to change her mind. As I mentioned, there are other complicating factors and I just want to be sure that we're making the right decision- whatever that may be.

Stheno

Dial Hard wrote: »

Accord have a strong Catholic ethos.

Gah, I've mixed them up with another org then.

strandroad

TBH "I will be 100% supportive though if she wants to have a baby" is not exactly what conscious fatherhood is about either... Wherever you go for help you should look into your reasons as well as into hers.

kylith

There is no 'reason' necessary for wanting a baby other than wanting a baby. My mother always said that she couldn't afford her first child and she sure as hell couldn't afford her last, but she wanted us. OP, the stars will never align into the perfect time to have a baby; you'll never have enough money, enough time, enough rest, a big enough house, or anything else.

Echoing Dial Hard; it sounds to me like your OH does want them but doesn't want to push the issue because you say that you're happy with just the two of you. I think that she doesn't want to be the one to say 'lets have a baby' because if it's not something you're enthusiastic about and anything goes bad then she's the one who 'pushed' you to have a child. I think her conflict is less 'do I want a baby or not' than it is 'do I push for a baby that he doesn't really want in the first place and risk ruining our relationship'.

Barely There

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you'd consider 'counselling' over this type of decision.

How do you think some quack-randomer will be able to advise you on such a decision?

'Get counselling' is the knee-jerk response to every issue it now seems.

How about discussing it like grown-ups yourselves?

Are you going to get counselling everytime you need to decide on something as a couple?

willow tree

Hi. Would you ring IACP or IAHIP they will recommend an accredited counsellor in your area. The counsellor doesn't tell you what to do/advise. They will empower you to make your own decision & give ye tools as a couple to make these big decisions. Good luck with it.

amdublin

Barely There wrote: »

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you'd consider 'counselling' over this type of decision.

How do you think some quack-randomer will be able to advise you on such a decision?

'Get counselling' is the knee-jerk response to every issue it now seems.

How about discussing it like grown-ups yourselves?

Are you going to get counselling everytime you need to decide on something as a couple?

On something important like this why wouldn't you use the assistance of a professional to tease out and explore issues to get a better understanding.

Op check out Relationship Ireland

PinkLemonade

Without knowing the reasons that she wants children, and why you consider them wrong reasons, it's hard to fully advise, but it sounds like she wants babies and your trying to convince her out of it.

I would say though, if she's in her thirties she'll need to decide soon enough. Babies aren't always a sure thing and times not a luxury every women has wrt having children

daisybelle2008

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

That's great folks. I guess it is more relationship counselling that we need. We're a strong couple, we've been together over a decade but we're unsure on how to deal with this.

I'll make a point of calling Accord. Is there anyone else like this that we can turn to?

Stay well away from Accord, strong Catholic ethos is an understatement. You will get no objective advise when it comes to babies. If you are unsure they will challenge you at every turn and make you feel selfish. Horrible experience, if your partner is more for having babies, she will love them. They will gang up on you and not accept your opinion at all. Walked out of there shell shocked, my ex partner who was pro baby was delighted. Drove a bigger wedge between us.
Run a mile from Accord they are brutal unless you are a bible bashed willing to brush every issue under the carpet and tow the church line.

PinkLemonade

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Stay well away from Accord, strong Catholic ethos is an understatement. You will get no objective advise when it comes to babies. If you are unsure they will challenge you at every turn and make you feel selfish. Horrible experience, if your partner is more for having babies, she will love them. They will gang up on you and not accept your opinion at all. Walked out of there shell shocked, my ex partner who was pro baby was delighted. Drove a bigger wedge between us.
Run a mile from Accord they are brutal unless you are a bible bashed willing to brush every issue under the carpet and tow the church line.

I'm not suggesting accord is suitable for the OP, but having a baby is an extremely important thing to some people, if your not in the same page it will drive a wedge between you.
I wouldn't advise anyone to stay in a serious relationship, past their early twenties, if they didn't have a similar view on babies

seenitall

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Stay well away from Accord, strong Catholic ethos is an understatement. You will get no objective advise when it comes to babies. If you are unsure they will challenge you at every turn and make you feel selfish. Horrible experience, if your partner is more for having babies, she will love them. They will gang up on you and not accept your opinion at all. Walked out of there shell shocked, my ex partner who was pro baby was delighted. Drove a bigger wedge between us.
Run a mile from Accord they are brutal unless you are a bible bashed willing to brush every issue under the carpet and tow the church line.

But the OP and yourself are only refering to partners, not husbands and wives?

Surely if the Accord are so Catholic, they would be guiding you away from any talk of sex and babies until the marriage part was done? Or have the times changed so much already?

strandroad

kylith wrote: »

Echoing Dial Hard; it sounds to me like your OH does want them but doesn't want to push the issue because you say that you're happy with just the two of you. I think that she doesn't want to be the one to say 'lets have a baby' because if it's not something you're enthusiastic about and anything goes bad then she's the one who 'pushed' you to have a child. I think her conflict is less 'do I want a baby or not' than it is 'do I push for a baby that he doesn't really want in the first place and risk ruining our relationship'.

That's the impression I'm getting too...

OP does not really want to be a father, at a stretch he can tag along and be a supportive co-parent, but ideally he would like to see no change.
She has heard the call of the wild and wants to be a mother; it's hard for her to give good reasons because it's not a particularly rational feeling. At the same time, she feels on her own in it and must be aware she's at risk of bringing the baby into a situation where it will be easy for the parent who only goes along with it to check out mentally (not to mention some more negative scenarios down the line).
So she's trying to consider her need against OP's lack of need, and possibly with some external difficulties (money, health, family support etc). It's hard, and then she has her partner suggesting that it's such a problem they need to outsource the solving of it.

Why don't you keep talking OP? If you imagine that you are genuinely enthusiastic about being a father, would she have any serious doubts? If your relationship is strong, you should be able to talk through it a lot more... it feels somewhat passive-aggressive that you're suggesting counselling "because her reasons are not the right reasons".

seenitall

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Actually if she herself was sure that she wanted a little whippersnapper then I'd be 100% behind it and raise it to be the best little tyke it could be. I don't want to talk her out of anything, I don't want to change her mind. As I mentioned, there are other complicating factors and I just want to be sure that we're making the right decision- whatever that may be.

I have to say I smiled at this. For someone who doesn't want to be a parent you're using some particularly endearing language in relation to your prospective child, OP.

As already said, having a child is not a very rational decision at all. But some counselling as a couple could clear up a few things for you both, regarding how ye feel about it. More for you, especially, OP. Whatever about your gf, you sound kinda conflicted about it yourself, if you don't mind me saying so. Talk it out.

Good luck!

TizTaly2015

There will never be a right time for a baby. Never. But when they come into your life you make the time and you find the money and you adapt your life and so on.......its amazing at how you just adapt and change.

So unless there are medical reasons as to why you and your partner are cautious to have a baby, I would let nature take its course.

And as someone who has used counsellors in the past and would be a big advocate for counselling, I think you can sometimes talk things to death as well....

Neyite

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

Actually if she herself was sure that she wanted a little whippersnapper then I'd be 100% behind it and raise it to be the best little tyke it could be. I don't want to talk her out of anything, I don't want to change her mind. As I mentioned, there are other complicating factors and I just want to be sure that we're making the right decision- whatever that may be.

You word it like you'd support her studying for her masters degree at night. Like its a goal that she wants, and you'd encourage her on that. Parenting is a whole different ball game. You cant passively do the support thing as an involved parent. Being a dad means getting stuck in. It's not something you should go along with to keep your mate happy. It's hard to explain but basically if you want to become a parent you have to feel proactive about it rather than passive, if you know what I mean.

Having said that, if there are other factors to consider that would affect your ability to start a family and you are disagreeing on those points then it is well worth bringing in the professionals if you feel that talking between yourselves bring you no closer to a resolution. You may see that the factors that make you hesitant are not important factors at all. Or maybe they are insurmountable.

What about a little mental exercise to explore your feelings? Say that she texts you right now and says she did a test and she is pregnant. You know that she will want to keep it. Would you be freaking out, or concerned but know that once you sort issues X & Y it will ease your concerns a lot, or would you feel that once you got over the surprise, you'd actually be quite looking forward to it. Obviously you don't have to discuss it on here, but having a think about how you'd feel getting that text might help you identify the cause of what is concerning you.

daisybelle2008

seenitall wrote: »

But the OP and yourself are only refering to partners, not husbands and wives?

Surely if the Accord are so Catholic, they would be guiding you away from any talk of sex and babies until the marriage part was done? Or have the times changed so much already?

Was my husband at the time.

Dolbert

The thing is OP, there's usually no "logical" reason for wanting a child. She probably just does, it's possibly difficult for her to articulate because generally, when people want children it's a deep, intrinsic and instinctive urge (the same way that people know that they don't want them). I'm just not sure what counselling could do in this situation, it might be better served for you to figure out what you want as it seems to me that she already know what she wants.

DukeOfTheSharp

There are many logical reasons to have a child, there are also many illogical reasons that can be harmful. I've seen people who've had children who can't handle it, aren't suited for parenthood and burden those around them with the children they can't deal with. I've seen abusive parents, absentee parents, deadbeats on all sides. Having a child should be logical, it should be based on reality, not on an impulse, especially not if both people aren't 100% on the same page. Counselling is good because it'll allow both of you to shine an objective light on your thoughts on the matter, but it's the best way to go as she's conflicted and that's not a good sign. Having a child isn't like signing up for Netflix - there are unseen and very real ramifications involved and jumping in blind can have horrific consequences for everyone, doubly so if one party was never entirely sure this is what they wanted to begin with. You seem pretty mellow about the whole thing, you'd prefer not to have a child but you also wouldn't mind having one if needs be, that means you'll be good at reacting to change and upheaval that a child inevitably brings. However, if your OH feels that she isn't ready/has medical problems/risks and so on, it's best that she discusses it with a professional.