Stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship

The Princess Bride

Now that you've taken this step,OP, you'll be left with the "what if " questions. What if he changes?What if things improve?What if I never find someone else?

I'm sure your self esteem has taken a knocking so I'd recommend you speak with a counsellor to help you through the days when you're most vulnerable.
There will be many of those, but having made this decision today, you've just bought yourself many decades of happiness.
Stay strong and keep reminding yourself of your worth.

Irishgirl12345

I have him blocked off all social networks now and will change my number tomorrow. Still feel very anxious and confused. Just have to sort name off lease and close joint bank acc on Monday, im off till Tuesday so it gives me time to try process it.

I was never someone who would post on a forum like this looking for help and the fact that I did showed me that this situation is not right at all. And I really am so touched how ye gave me the push and words of support I needed so i am so very grateful I did make this thread and again very grateful for yer support.

Mam of 4

No words of wisdom but can I just say you are SO much stronger than you might think you are . To make that decision to leave , and to act upon it , Well Done you !
Took me too many years to come to that decision so be proud of yourself , don't doubt your decision , it will be hard for a while - thinking what if?maybe he will change? Don't listen to those doubts at all.

Look after yourself , stay strong and positive.

acon2119

The very best of luck to you. May you find the strength to do whats best for your longterm happiness, and may you meet a wonderful man that will give himself to you wholeheartedly:):):)

kylith

It's normal to have doubts, but just focus on why you're leaving in the first place. Something my dad said when I was going through a breakup, which really helped me focus was 'He promised you the moon and stars, but he's never even gotten you the paper'.

Irishgirl12345

Well I'm in bed now on night 1 to hopefully a better life... tonight has been patchy but i kept myself distracted so i was stronger than i thought id be but very very anxious. I hope i can get some sleep as i feel so out of sorts and place and imagine waking here tomorrow will feel very strange but ill take it one day at a time.

kylith

You'll wake up one morning soon and realise that it was the best decision you ever made.

vertmann

Well done. It was a gutsy thing you did yesterday. It took real courage to pack your things, ring your parents and walk out of there. You are going to be out of sorts for a while but you know that. Your life has just undergone a massive change. Don't be afraid to open up to the people around you if you need to talk. Or come back to this thread if you want. The important thing is that you don't bottle it all up.

I think the very first line of this thread says a lot "I’m 30 years old and with my bf 3 years now on and off going through the same cycles.. He is emotionally unavailable and struggled with drink on and off. Since the start its been a completely unhealthy relationship and I never felt loved or secure" In other words, this was a horrible relationship from the very start. What the three years tells me is that you gave him and the relationship every chance but it didn't work. You are now walking away knowing that it was going nowhere. He treated you badly, reeled you in with empty promises then returned to normal. Nothing would have changed no matter what you had tried - the pattern was well established. Don't ever forget that the relationship was 90% of awfulness. Even the worst of people have their charming sides and there are always shades of grey. But yeah, 90% is a damning indictment.

mapaca

Well done! I was so glad to read that you have made the break. You are now back in control of your life. Be kind to yourself for the next while, keep busy, do things you enjoy, catch up with friends. Onwards and upwards.

Irishgirl12345

Well didn't get much sleep last night..he text me once and I deleted it and blocked his number straight away. But my friend just got in contact saying he has been in touch with her pouring out how lost he is and how his world revolves around me etc,

I told her hearing this wasn't helpful as these things as much as id love to be true, I have heard them before and his world clearly didn't revolve around me. So this has upset me and made me fill with doubt again but i know ill follow through on my decision now ive done it no matter how low i feel. I can never face going through a day like yesterday ever again.

thanks once again for all yer support. Ye have really helped me in a big way... this thread kept me going when i was doubting if i could follow threw with it yesterday and no matter how unsure i feel about it i think deep down my gut tells me I deserve better and he isnt capable of giving me the relationship i want

vertmann

Oh dear - what a pity your friend passed on that information. What sort of an eejit is she? I hope if he tried to pull that stunt with anyone else in your circle, that they'll have more sense than your friend. I've no doubt he's upset but what he's suffering from is self-pity. He had his chance many times over and proved that his only way of dealing with you was in a mostly negative way. It would not surprise me if he tries to get in touch with you again in a different way. Would he be the sort who'd show up at your workplace or on your doorstep?

Stay positive - you will get through this. You've got the right attitude and that'll take you a long way. He is the idiot who threw everything away and he will have to live with the consequences. He's not your problem now .

Irishgirl12345

I know i asked my friend in future to not entertain him and i certainty dont wanna hear it as it is not helpful at all and only upsetting. I understand she is frustrated and wanted to give her two cents on the subject also so i told her i understood but in future tell him ur not gettin involved.

He is wallowing in self pity now as he knows it is majorly his fault but he only sees this when it is too late and ive left him.. ive been threw this once or twice before with him and it is the same pattern and im trying my best to accept that fact.

florawest

Yea, sometimes we think its easier to deal with what/who in the past rather than starting fresh, but fresh chapter, we will doubt ourselves for a while and society seems to be all couples because when we are single we notice couples more, But are they all happy, some probably and some not, so well done, get some counselling when you are ready and burn the ears off those friends and family, write letters to your ex, explaining all you went through Then Burn them, helped in my situation, if you could go on a short break away, pamper yourself and treat yourself weekly, spend time with your mum, enjoy the simple things/pleasures in life , good luck you have the strength and the help to survive and be happier than the last few years, warmest wishes to you

ladygirl

OP I was in your exact situation 5 years ago. I was in a horrible relationship and for some stupid reason I was actually waiting for something to happen for him to end it.. In the end - I just left. Of course I had doubts but when I look back I cant believe how I stayed with him for over 3 years..

I was single for 2 years afterwards and was really happy in myself. Then one night I met my current partner and I finally know what a healthy relationship is.

I always feel loved and wanted, as does he. I know I am his priority, there is no jealousy or insecurity. We hardly ever argue and when we do its a simple disagreement. No raised voices ,hysterics or name calling/belittling.

Remember OP you are not throwing away the last 3 years - you are simply taking back the rest of your life. It will get easier and just know that you deserve better!!!

Best of Luck
xxx

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Read through your posts and felt I needed to reply. I have been where you are at. Only for me, I spent over 15 years in my relationship. 15 years of believing, of wanting the bull**** to the true and it never is.

Let me tell you, he is never going to change in his relationship with you. No matter what hoops you jump through, nothing you ever do EVER, will be enough for him, he'll just expect more and more and more. Right now he is playing a waiting game, for he believes in his head that he will win you back, that you will "come round"…because you have allowed yourself to be treated in this way for 3 years now. You have contributed to him thinking it's acceptable and that you're worth nothing more than the crumbs he throws at you, when it suits him.

Do you know what a decent relationship is? Because by the time I was finished I hadn't a clue. My belief in relationships was so warped, when I look back now I can't even believe myself.

For you - you MUST stay away from this man. You really need to put yourself first here. I know it's so so hard but please, please stay away from him. Look, take every single day as it comes, take every minute of every hour as it comes if you have to because you have a long long road ahead of you. And what is making it such a massive undertaking is that you are second guessing yourself, you don't even want to be away from him…you're hoping right now that he has learned his lesson and he will change and show you. But please don't think that there will be a happy ending here. The only ending you'll ever get with this man is misery, a lifetime of sorrow and regret.

Give yourself a good year to think about yourself, don't even entertain becoming involved with anyone in that time, because you have a long process to work through. If you're serious about staying away, it mith be helpful to go to counselling where you can work through a lot of stuff for yourself. Really focus on you…try and remember the person you were before you were with this man…just love yourself now. Put all that energy into looking after and nurturing yourself.

The fact you've already tried to leave a couple of times is a good thing, because you can learn from those experiences. Failure to change is a very healthy thing, so be thankful for those trial runs that have got you to where you are now. You see that he never changed those times and all that happened was the same bull**** again. So from these get the strength to say no. To keep him blocked from your phone etc. Keep telling yourself that no matter what, you were never going to be happy there. You might get the odd 5 minutes of happiness in a week, or even a month…is that all your life is worth?

To this day I still think about that relationship I was in. Some days I feel guilty, I relive so much of it in my head. But I am free. I now have two beautiful children I would never have had if I'd have stayed. I now know what a healthy and decent, supportive and loving relationship is. Please God you find out too.

Really look after yourself OP.

Irishgirl12345

Thank you so much for yer kind words, hearing other people's stories really helps me see the light and stay hopeful !!

The last two days have been up and down I tried to stay as busy as possible and that mostly worked. He has tried contacting me in every way possible, I have figuered out how to block his number so I won't get anymore but I also got a fb mail today off a girl he is friends with trying to "talk" to me on his behalf, I didn't read it and deleted it so I could mail her back saying politely I didn't want to hear and I've heard it all before and I would appreciate if she didn't get involved and contact me for him. This is normal behaviour for him when we are finished and really annoys me (and he well knows this, yet always does it), so for the most part I feel strong enough today that I made the right decision and trying to accept that it will be hard and the doubt is normal and something I just have to process. I'm just trying to brainwash myself but think I'm doing a good job so far, just hope it lasts.

Tomorrow I'm back to work so a bit anxious about that and getting to sleep tonight but said I'd check in and so glad I did as it was a bit of positivity before bed

Eeden

Stay strong, you are doing so well.