How To Help A Grieving Spouse

Very Bored

I'm not going to go into details here as I don't want someone belonging to my family finding this and being annoyed with me but I don't know where else to turn.

My spouse has been told one of their parents has not got very long to go at all. We've known this person has been seriously ill for the best part of a year and we knew they eventually wouldn't get better but we didn't expect things to deteriorate so soon.

The first problem is, I'm very close to my in-law and so am grieving and am devastated myself. But obviously I can't share that with my spouse as I don't want to make them cry. I also feel so useless in terms of not being able to say "it will be ok" because it won't.

We've had an absolute ****e of a year so far in other ways too and there are issues tied to other things still ongoing. I've been at my wits end over that and now this.

Also, my parents keep asking me how my spouse is and never how I am. Perhaps it makes me selfish, but I know I need a shoulder to cry on too. Though obviously it can't be my spouse's as they have enough to be worried about.

I've also suffered mental health issues in the past with depression and anxiety and am frightened that its coming back. I feel like I can feel its onset.

I know it makes me selfish to be worried about myself too when all I should be focussed on is my spouse but all I want to do is be strong enough to help them.

stove

When a person is seriously ill it can impact on a lot of people such as family and in-laws so it is not in any way unusual for you to be feeling like you do. I hope that helps you let go of the guilt for a start.

It sounds like it would be helpful for you to talk to someone you can trust such as a friend, sibling etc who can give you some support.

Another option might be to look for some professional help. Your GP would have names of counsellors etc.

If the illness is cancer related there may be a cancer support centre in the area who will provide free counselling and support to family members affected by a diagnosis.

It's a very difficult time OP but there is help out there and, as already stated, don't feel guilty for looking for support.

December2012

My father is dead. Similar situation, long drawn out, painful. My advice is based in my experience, so bear that in mind.

I know you're close to your in law, but when a parent dies, it feels like part of you dies too. The person who made you, who you have known your entire life, who took care of you financially, and emotionally and who raised you and knew about you and loved you since before you were born, just dies. Gone forever. As an adult, I felt like an orphan, even with one parent left.

It is horrible. It is painful. It is devastating.

It is so horrible that you cannot understand it until you've gone through it. That is probably why your parents (who presumably are now orphans) ask about your spouse and not you.

I know miscarriages are terrible, if a friend had a miscarriage I would be sad for her, and sympathise, but I'll never understand truly how sad it is unless I've had one myself. The same principle applies to losing a parent. It's too big to comprehend.

You can tell your spouse that you're sad too, but don't look for any sympathy or support. Your job is to support them. You put your own pain aside (talk to a friend if you like), but you support your partner. They need you.

This is what life may be like for your spouse;
He/she will, consciously or subconsciously, brace herself for "the call" every time the phone rings
There may be countless calls to say "get to the hospital, we think it's time"
Guilt for not being with their parent
Frustration from being with their parent
Powerlessness
Hopelessness
Anger - constantly there, yet having to see a back seat because of somebody else's pain (maybe the other parent, or a sibling)
Death by a thousand cuts

You have my condolences, but this is not about you.

Maybe a therapist can help you both if it gets too overwhelming.

Very Bored

December2012 wrote: »

My father is dead. Similar situation, long drawn out, painful. My advice is based in my experience, so bear that in mind.

I know you're close to your in law, but when a parent dies, it feels like part of you dies too. The person who made you, who you have known your entire life, who took care of you financially, and emotionally and who raised you and knew about you and loved you since before you were born, just dies. Gone forever. As an adult, I felt like an orphan, even with one parent left.

It is horrible. It is painful. It is devastating.

It is so horrible that you cannot understand it until you've gone through it. That is probably why your parents (who presumably are now orphans) ask about your spouse and not you.

I know miscarriages are terrible, if a friend had a miscarriage I would be sad for her, and sympathise, but I'll never understand truly how sad it is unless I've had one myself. The same principle applies to losing a parent. It's too big to comprehend.

You can tell your spouse that you're sad too, but don't look for any sympathy or support. Your job is to support them. You put your own pain aside (talk to a friend if you like), but you support your partner. They need you.

This is what life may be like for your spouse;
He/she will, consciously or subconsciously, brace herself for "the call" every time the phone rings
There may be countless calls to say "get to the hospital, we think it's time"
Guilt for not being with their parent
Frustration from being with their parent
Powerlessness
Hopelessness
Anger - constantly there, yet having to see a back seat because of somebody else's pain (maybe the other parent, or a sibling)
Death by a thousand cuts

You have my condolences, but this is not about you.

Maybe a therapist can help you both if it gets too overwhelming.

I bolded one of the points because I want to be clear that I know its not about me and, in fact, that's why I came on here in the first place, because I'm not, in fact, a selfish person and wanted ideas on how to help my spouse, not on how to help myself.

I posted that initial post when I was in shock and bewilderment about what best to do. Now, having been able to let things sink in, I am very much stronger and now able to deal with this situation. I have told my spouse that I am upset, my concerns and my ideas on how to work on helping them but also their other parent in the future. In my opinion, it would upset them more to see me unemotional about it all. However, I am very much concentrating on them and how to help them. At the end of the day, I think just being there is what is important. I spoke to my own father and he said as much when I asked him what can I do to help.

I appreciate your reply and your advice. I do have to say that I'm a little offended that you believe I would monopolise my grief over my spouse's because that was never the intention and I thought the first post would have made it clear that I was only seeking advice on the best way to help my spouse, even if I recognised that I needed to make myself stronger than I was in the earlier part of the week to do so. I have, however, now found the strength to do so through my own methods. However, I reiterate that I am not a self-centred individual and am irritated that you seem to think I am. That said, and I mean no nastiness in saying this, I don't know you and subsequently your low opinion of me isn't exactly relevant, what is relevant is my spouse and my doing my best to help them.

LegacyUser

@ December, I'm sure you didn't intend to offend, and hope you don't take offence from me saying that you "sound" a little selfish.

I buried my father a couple of years ago, but I was well aware that others were grieving too. Though I was grieving for my father I knew my cousins had lost an uncle and remembered how I felt when their dad, my uncle had died some years previously.

If anything I felt it was a comfort to know others were actually grieving and not just there for appearances sake.

(It's not easy to pick the right words in a text based forum, and I can never find an appropriate emoticon, I hope I have made myself clear without upsetting anyone)

CaraMay

Op your post came across solely from your own viewpoint and Decembers answer was perfect based on the points you yourself raised. Maybe your intention was so ask how to help your spouse but that wasn't clear from your post.

Very Bored

As you want but the line "all I want to do is be strong enough to help them" should have been a deal breaker for anyone reading to be perfectly honest.

December2012

Verybored I don't have a low view of you, and I did not accuse you of monopolising grief. Maybe you are angry because of grief, it's to beexpected

Actually I think it is very human and understandable to feel how you do, grief and expected grief are horrible feelings.

I have also helped my spouse through his grief (although not a parent) and I know how hard it is to be the support system when you are also struggling.

I said that it's not about you, because that is the way I think it is best approached, both as the person losing a parent (to not prioritise anybody above myself) and as the spouse (go at their pace do what they want to do).

You came on here to ask for help, and I respect that.
You have a long road ahead, I wish you both well in the dark times to come.

Very Bored

Thanks. I probably overreacted from my own point-of-view earlier on this week because I've been through a horrific experience, through no fault of my own, this year which most people will never have to go through and its ongoing. And when I say horrific I mean it. Obviously, its effected me massively and had this situation happened with my in-law last year I would have reacted completely differently. Its just come at a time when I'm very emotionally weak myself. I needed to give myself a kick up the backside because nothing can be like losing a parent, and over the last few days I've been able to do that. No, I don't know what its like and I hope I don't find out for a very very long time. But you can rest assured that I have been and will continue to make my spouse the number one priority. I've even told them, more than once, that they have to go against their nature, for they are a very selfless person, and be selfish over this period and do what best suits them and if other people don't like it, or they think other people won't like it, including me, f*** them (again, including me).

jennyhayes123

Speaking as someone who has lost both parents and has an amazing husband who has been great to me I know that it is also hard on him. It's tough cause he has lost 2 in laws and he has to see me hit rock bottom too. You need to look after yourself to because if you don't look after yourself you can't look after your wife. Tell her how you feel and be honest