I think my partner was with a prostitute.

Colser

auldgranny wrote: »

I bottled the talk. I just couldn't get the words out. He has gone out for a drink with a friend so I don't think I will be doing anything about it till tomorrow evening now.

Think about what you want from a talk auldgranny.Im guessing that he will deny it if theres any truth in it and you still wont be any the wiser but you will be on the back foot as he will know you are on to him.
I would speak to the friend again..if she can drop this bombshell on you she must have more info about it.If youre going to challenge him on it then youre better off having hard facts.Try and meet her tomorrow to find out how she knows about it and why shes telling you now.

strandroad

Colser wrote: »

Think about what you want from a talk auldgranny.Im guessing that he will deny it if theres any truth in it and you still wont be any the wiser but you will be on the back foot as he will know you are on to him.
I would speak to the friend again..if she can drop this bombshell on you she must have more info about it.If youre going to challenge him on it then youre better off having hard facts.Try and meet her tomorrow to find out how she knows about it and why shes telling you now.

I think that this is the best course for now. If the friend stands by this story, she can tell you more.

This thread reminds me of an older one, when an employee was wondering if she should tell her boss's wife that the boss is flaunting his mistress, taking her with him to stay on business trips etc. Perhaps OPs husband is not discreet either and his fun is common knowledge in his circle to the point where people take pity on the OP?

auldgranny

I don't why she told me really, we are not that close. She just said she thought I should know. I have text her to come see me tomorrow when she is finished work because he won't be home till later tomorrow. I might get some info then. the reason I wanted to find out more about these numbers is that I would rather have something else definite, not just his word against hers because I am pretty sure that will be the tack he will take.

CaraMay

Had he explained why they fell out?

auldgranny

CaraMay wrote: »

Had he explained why they fell out?

When I asked him he said he had loaned her money and she was dragging her heels about paying it back. I thought it sounded odd but none of my business if so.

CaraMay

What's your gut telling you op? I know you want to let this go to give your marriage a chance but ?

Buona Fortuna

auldgranny wrote: »

I bottled the talk. I just couldn't get the words out. He has gone out for a drink with a friend so I don't think I will be doing anything about it till tomorrow evening now.

We all do it . Really we do.

auldgranny wrote: »

I don't why she told me really, we are not that close. She just said she thought I should know. I have text her to come see me tomorrow when she is finished work because he won't be home till later tomorrow. I might get some info then. the reason I wanted to find out more about these numbers is that I would rather have something else definite, not just his word against hers because I am pretty sure that will be the tack he will take.

OK, but IMO - you're not trying to prove this one way or another "beyond reasonable doubt", just to your own satisfaction.

Now you have a chat and "Hazel said you saw a prostitute on **/**. Now most people will be shocked / surprised at an accusation like that. Its what he says next is the key.

You'll have seen debates on Boards where if they can't argue the topic they'll attack the man.

If he goes into one about all the bad things about this woman, or invasion of privacy, or whatever - that's not good.

If he says something llike "Its a total lie, I was playing golf with Bill and John. We'll ring them now on speaker phone and I'll ask them where we were on **/**."

Not were we playing golf but an open question "Where were we on ...?"


I hope that makes a bit of sense to you AG. All the very best.

OneOfThem

CaraMay wrote: »

What's your gut telling you op?

Completely abandon all logic and reason. Make your decision based on how you feel. Trust your intuition. Your subconscious mind is always right, it's not at all effected by the things that effect your subconscious mind.

Neyite

Just remember that you are allowed to take as long as you need to figure out your feelings - if that means not facing it right now, that's your right to do so.

If that means trying to give your new marriage another go, again, your right to do that. And you can decide to change your decisions at any point in the future - what I mean is that at the moment the instinct might be to gloss over it unless presented with fact, but there might come a time where you just think "fcuk it, I cant do this" and you decide living with unanswered questions this might have thown up is not what you want, its ok to change your mind.

You've had a big shock,whether there is truth to it or not. Be kind to yourself, let yourself have time to process it all, and take little steps right now.

alias06

auldgranny wrote: »

When I asked him he said he had loaned her money and she was dragging her heels about paying it back. I thought it sounded odd but none of my business if so.

Or maybe she chastised him for his dirty behaviour and threatened to tell you and he made a pre-emptive move by telling you they had a 'falling out' over money. It seems she is trying to do the right thing and fair play to her. I would normally never intervene in other peoples relationships, but I find cheating on your girlfriend with a prostitute so depraved that I would be tempted. She would have to be crazy to make this up. Does she seem crazy to you? I think its more likely that your partner has been using prostitues, he has done it before and now he has done it again. If she was in your situation she would want to be told, so now she is telling you.

If his story of lending this girl money seems odd to you, that's probably because it's not true. It's your gut telling you he is lying.

I think you should talk to this girl and ask her to tell you everything.

power pants

how does his female friend know in the first place? Not sure it would be the type of thing to tell a female friend.

Hey guess what I did today........?

She sounds like a woman scorned, could there be more to it with the friend and him?

strandroad

alias06 wrote: »

Or maybe she chastised him for his dirty behaviour and threatened to tell you and he made a pre-emptive move by telling you they had a 'falling out' over money. It seems she is trying to do the right thing and fair play to her. I would normally never intervene in other peoples relationships, but I find cheating on your girlfriend with a prostitute so depraved that I would be tempted. She would have to be crazy to make this up. Does she seem crazy to you? I think its more likely that your partner has been using prostitues, he has done it before and now he has done it again. If she was in your situation she would want to be told, so now she is telling you.

If his story of lending this girl money seems odd to you, that's probably because it's not true. It's your gut telling you he is lying.

I think you should talk to this girl and ask her to tell you everything.

That's the way it reads to me as well. If you think about it:
- OP's husband does have a history with using prostitutes
- he did make some calls to young women on the day the friend named.

If the friend was making all of this up, it would be some chance for her to hit both these points.

willow tree

Op I'm sorry you're going through this. Mind yourself & take support. is he a member at the golf club or did he pay on the day? If he paid maybe you could ring the golf club & ask was he there on that date as you'd like to get him a lesson as a present & you want to make sure its the right golf club? If he's like some other cheats he'll lie to the bitter end so it might be best you said nothing & get some evidence. Ringing the numbers also. Its not easy.

professore

Can't believe the putting 2 and 2 together and getting 200. If he was with a prostitute, why would he tell anyone - especially a female friend?

Why would this friend suddenly decide to tell you after months?

Why would a prostitute be on viber? I'd say for certain that young woman is not a prostitute.

Here's a much more likely scenario - she came onto him and he brushed her off. Now she's out to destroy your marriage, and by the looks of it, it's working.

CaraMay

power pants wrote: »

how does his female friend know in the first place? Not sure it would be the type of thing to tell a female friend.

Hey guess what I did today........?

She sounds like a woman scorned, could there be more to it with the friend and him?

Because maybe it's something he does and isn't a huge secret among his friends. It seems to happen a lot during golf trips to Spain / Portugal etc and the wives at home aren't told. Look at all the extra prostututes that arrived for the soccer World Cup.

I think men would love of she were on viber - no traces of calls or texts

professore

CaraMay wrote: »

I think men would love of she were on viber - no traces of calls or texts

Viber is far LESS secure than texts ...

strandroad

professore wrote: »

Viber is far LESS secure than texts ...

It's about privacy not security, if the husband used Viber the wife would have no bills to look at now.

ShaShaBear

To be honest, Im in agreement that this is most likely a woman scorned. Either she made a move and he fecked her off, he encouraged for a while and backed off when she got serious or they were full-blown having an affair and he refused to leave OP for her, leaving her with the chance to ruin the marriage with information regarding a prostitute since she might know that he visited one before and the concept wouldn't be alien to the OP.

I also think that this faffing about with random numbers is utterly crazy. My partner delivers for Apache the odd time covering for a friend. A huge amount of orders are delivered to the bogland twisting nether of Monaghan, and he could ring 50 different mobile numbers in a night, and the same one 5 or 6 times getting directions.
You've said he has a son who could be young enough to be friends with this girl. How do you know he wasn't ringing her to try and get in touch with him? Buying golf equipment off someone on DoneDeal before he went on his trip? Ordering lunch to the golf resort and ringing to see where the delivery driver is?

You really need to sit him down and say "X told me you slept with a prostitute last year when you were supposed to be playing golf. That seems like a rather extravagant lie to tell because of a falling out over borrowed money."

homerjay2005

OP mentioned two numbers - one on Viber and another one.

any chance the other number, is the woman who is spreading the story?

at the end of the day, youve been told something by her, the only way of getting to the bottom of this is by talking to him and asking him straight out. maybe even another idea is to get both together into a room and bring it up....will be clear pretty quickly who is lying, as one of them is unless he admits it straight away.

afkasurfjunkie

Id consider myself to be a fairly normal person so if I fell out with a friend the very last thing I'd do is invent some random prostitute story to tell his wife.

However, if I had a friend who i knew cheated on his fiancée with a prostitute, I'd reconsider my friendship and make it clear that his fiancée/wife needs to know.

Keane2baMused

OP, I don't understand why this friend of yours wouldn't elaborate or tell you how or why she knew this about your husband.

Details would be something you would most definitely give a friend in cases like this.

Sounds very strange tbh

alias06

ShaShaBear wrote: »

To be honest, Im in agreement that this is most likely a woman scorned. Either she made a move and he fecked her off, he encouraged for a while and backed off when she got serious or they were full-blown having an affair and he refused to leave OP for her, leaving her with the chance to ruin the marriage with information regarding a prostitute since she might know that he visited one before and the concept wouldn't be alien to the OP.
"

But the OP knows her partner has visited prostitutes before. So its not out of character for him. Its not like its a totally wild or random accusation. Most men don't visit prostitutes. But this guy has. This other women knew he had done this before and she now says she knows he has done it again. She can name the day it happened and there were several calls on his phone to random numbers on that day which could indicate setting up a meeting. Her story checks out.

The way she has approached it sounds to me like a girl that is genuinely sickened by what this guy is doing and is telling the OP out of concern for her health and wellbeing. She hasn't been hysterical or emotional, she has approached the OP calmly and said "I hate to be the one to tell you this but....". I'm sure she feels if she were in that situation she would want to be told, so she is telling the OP.

People fall out over money all the time but they don't make up stuff like this. Taken together with the fact that this guy has used prostitutes before I would be very very concerned.

OP, this other women who is telling you all this could be your true friend. Hear her out.

power pants

you would be very surprised with the numbers of happily married/ in a relationship or single guys that visit prostitutes. THere is a particular website that advertises these and IReland has the highest number of working girls advertising out of all of Europe. That tells its own story

Mourinho

I don't know why people have so much trouble thinking a prostitute would have Viber on a work phone.

In this day and age with some plans having more data than call minutes lots would probably ring her over Viber to arrange appointments as it can be cheaper or free via wifi.

In fact another poster mentioned a snapchat account for "teasers" if she doesn't have one she should, by God it's a good marketing strategy! :pac:

LegacyUser

alias06 wrote: »

But the OP knows her partner has visited prostitutes before. So its not out of character for him. Its not like its a totally wild or random accusation. Most men don't visit prostitutes. But this guy has. This other women knew he had done this before and she now says she knows he has done it again. She can name the day it happened and there were several calls on his phone to random numbers on that day which could indicate setting up a meeting. Her story checks out.

The way she has approached it sounds to me like a girl that is genuinely sickened by what this guy is doing and is telling the OP out of concern for her health and wellbeing. She hasn't been hysterical or emotional, she has approached the OP calmly and said "I hate to be the one to tell you this but....". I'm sure she feels if she were in that situation she would want to be told, so she is telling the OP.

People fall out over money all the time but they don't make up stuff like this. Taken together with the fact that this guy has used prostitutes before I would be very very concerned.

OP, this other women who is telling you all this could be your true friend. Hear her out.

Lot's of men have hooked up with women they've met in a bar or nightclub on a night out before. It's not out of character for them to do that. It doesn't mean they will do it when in a relationship. I've slept with prostitutes regularly when single. I've had casual sex with women I've met on a night out regularly when single. I've never once cheated on anyone when I was in a relationship.

People sometime murder each other after a falling out over money.

If the person in question knows the husband has previously slept with a prostitute. And knows the OP knows that. What better way than to make a presumably unfalsifiable claim like that? A year later. Coincidentally after the falling out over money?

alias06

power pants wrote: »

you would be very surprised with the numbers of happily married/ in a relationship or single guys that visit prostitutes. THere is a particular website that advertises these and IReland has the highest number of working girls advertising out of all of Europe. That tells its own story

Yes but its a particularly depraved thing to do. Prostitution itself is a disgusting abuse of vulnerable people (whether they consent to it or not), mostly trafficked into the country and kept in dirty to rooms so they can be used over and over again. To use a prostitute when in a relationship is doubly depraved because of the risk of disease to your partner.

I'm not saying you condone, I just wanted to make that point.

power pants

whilst I certainly dont condone anyone going with a prostitute when in a relationship and likewise would not be my cup of tea either to participate in

I dont think its necessarrly a depraved act nor do I believe most women are trafficked but I realise I have gone completely off topic

alias06

Johnjohnhohn wrote: »

Lot's of men have hooked up with women they've met in a bar or nightclub on a night out before. It's not out of character for them to do that. It doesn't mean they will do it when in a relationship. I've slept with prostitutes regularly when single. I've had casual sex with women I've met on a night out regularly when single. I've never once cheated on anyone when I was in a relationship.

This is true. Just because a guy has slept with a prostitute before doesn't mean he will do it in a relationship. But it does make this girls claim more believable. Most guys do not sleep with prostitutes and would hope to never do so. But this guy does. Now a friend of his has told his girlfriend that he has being seeing prostitutes. And this other girl knew that this guy had previously slept with prostitutes, which the OP knows to be true. So she's not just making stuff up.

The other girl said they had an argument when she pushed him to confess. Its obvious she threatened to tell and he made up this argument over money nonsense as a pre-emptive move.

The other girl is not throwing wild or random accusations. She is being very specific, saying where and when it happened. Saying please check the phones. She wants to be believed for the OPs sake.

ShaShaBear

alias06 wrote: »

This is true. Just because a guy has slept with a prostitute before doesn't mean he will do it in a relationship. But it does make this girls claim more believable. Most guys do not sleep with prostitutes and would hope to never do so. But this guy does. Now a friend of his has told his girlfriend that he has being seeing prostitutes. And this other girl knew that this guy had previously slept with prostitutes, which the OP knows to be true. So she's not just making stuff up.

The other girl said they had an argument when she pushed him to confess. Its obvious she threatened to tell and he made up this argument over money nonsense as a pre-emptive move.

The other girl is not throwing wild or random accusations. She is being very specific, saying where and when it happened. Saying please check the phones. She wants to be believed for the OPs sake.

I might be wrong, but I don't think the girl mentioned phone records. In fact she was rather vague according to the OP. She herself decided to scour phone records and only found two numbers that brought cause for concern. One is a young girl who the OP admitted could very well be her stepsons friend. It might not even he been her husband ringing her!
It seems more likely that the OP is so obsessed with proving the girl right by finding fault and actually confronting her husband.

LegacyUser

alias06 wrote: »

This is true. Just because a guy has slept with a prostitute before doesn't mean he will do it in a relationship. But it does make this girls claim more believable. Most guys do not sleep with prostitutes and would hope to never do so. But this guy does. Now a friend of his has told his girlfriend that he has being seeing prostitutes. And this other girl knew that this guy had previously slept with prostitutes, which the OP knows to be true. So she's not just making stuff up.

The other girl said they had an argument when she pushed him to confess. Its obvious she threatened to tell and he made up this argument over money nonsense as a pre-emptive move.

The other girl is not throwing wild or random accusations. She is being very specific, saying where and when it happened. Saying please check the phones. She wants to be believed for the OPs sake.

The other girl never said they had an argument when she pushed to confess. The other girl never told the OP to check the phones. This is entirely your conjecture. Re-read the OP's posts. She said that the OP's husband had been with a prostitute on a date she knew the husband wasn't in the company of his wife. You are allowing your biased view that using the services of prostitutes equates to a lack of morals to totally cloud your objective reasoning.

alias06

This is what she said on the phone bills: "I checked his phone bill for that day and there were two mobile numbers he rang that day. One of them he rang five times in a half hour and the other four times."

I think the OP has answered her own question anyway: "To be honest I have no idea what her real motive is because she is more his friend than mine but I don't think she is lying."

Her motive is most likely that you deserve to know your partner is treating you with massive disrespect and putting your health in danger by sleeping with prostitutes. Assuming she is telling truth and my sense of is that she is.

alias06

Johnjohnhohn wrote: »

The other girl never said they had an argument when she pushed to confess. The other girl never told the OP to check the phones. This is entirely your conjecture. Re-read the OP's posts. She said that the OP's husband had been with a prostitute on a date she knew the husband wasn't in the company of his wife. You are allowing your biased view that using the services of prostitutes equates to a lack of morals to totally cloud your objective reasoning.

Its true the other girl didn't say to check phones, I misread that, but she was specific about where and when it happened.

But she did say this:

auldgranny wrote: »

Thank you very much for hug cos yes I need it. She was not emotional, no. Very much in the lines of "I hate to be the one to tell you this but......" She is a mutual friend but more his than mine. She said the argument she had with him was that she was pushing him to tell me himself. I am bit upset. I want to know the truth but afraid to at the same time.

Johnjohnhohn wrote: »

You are allowing your biased view that using the services of prostitutes equates to a lack of morals to totally cloud your objective reasoning.

No I'm not. The only error I made was I thought the other girl had said to check phones. Everything else was correct.

dudara

@alias06 - let's leave the arguments around prostitution alone. We're here to discuss the OP's issue.

dudara

Eeden

auldgranny wrote: »

... should I leave well enough alone or should I investigate further. We have had a rocky past few months and I don't know should I just try and look forward now.

We don't know what's going on with your husband or with your friend who told you this. But I would advise not to "leave well enough alone". Either talk to him or talk to her. If you sweep it under the carpet, it will always fester there for you, and you will never be truly happy, and will always be wondering.

auldgranny

Hi sorry, I know it is two days since I posted but I just couldn't. I couldn't write, couldn't speak, couldn't sleep or eat. C came up after work yesterday and she was adamant that my husband was with a prostitute the day in question. She says she knows this because her brother was one of the gang in question on that day. I did know her brother split from his wife last year but I didn't know why. I didn't question it because they didn't ever seem happy as a couple. C said they split up after the wife found escort Ireland as one of the most frequently visited pages on his laptop and he admitted at the time that he had been with a prostitute. She says she found out from the brother that this was true and that he told her he was not the only one. After persuasion he admitted the golf was the smokescreen.

Her brother was one of the people my husband was supposedly playing golf with the day in question. I was still doubtful till she said that the next time they were going was tomorrow evening. I told her she was lying cos there was no plans for golf tomorrow, in fact we were going to the cinema. She asked me to say nothing, do nothing till after tomorrow. I didn't post anything till now because I felt such a fool for believing her and for doubting him. But then......

auldgranny

He is normally home reasonably early on Fridays. We have not been out together for nearly 2 months so it was decided we go to the cinema tomorrow. Tonight over dinner he suddenly says he can't make the cinema, that the guys are playing golf but one guy has cancelled and he agreed to go. He is really sorry but we can do the cinema Saturday, we can even have a meal if I like. I didn't speak, I couldn't get any words out. He said something like "don't make a fuss, what do you want me to do, say you won't let me go" And I start to cry. He says "don't pull this on me, the whole guilt trip thing. It's only golf and we will go out Saturday"


So I said yeah sure, it's ok. I asked him where he is playing and he named a course 30 miles away. Guess where I will be tomorrow evening?

Michelle_b

I can't even imagine what you are going through. I wish you luck tomorrow night and at least you will have a definite confirmation of it is true. If it is.... You deserve a lot better. Sending you lots of virtual hugs x

auldgranny

Michelle_b wrote: »

I can't even imagine what you are going through. I wish you luck tomorrow night and at least you will have a definite confirmation of it is true. If it is.... You deserve a lot better. Sending you lots of virtual hugs x

Thank you so much, so nice of someone to care so much about a stranger.

LegacyUser

I would suggest that you try to keep your dignity.

If you think that this story is true, I don't think that you should try to catch him in the act, or go to the golf club to prove that he wasn't there.

I realise that this whole thing is humiliating to you. I've been in your position. But I don't think that confronting him in the lie will help you. Better maybe to confront him with what your/his friend said and see how he reacts.

If you really, really, really feel that you need to prove he isn't at that golf club, just phone and ask if he is there.

Colser

I can imagine how you are feeling OP and I know its heart breaking,all I can advise you is to act as normal as possible between now and tomorrow evening,bite your lip and keep away from him in case youre tempted to blurt it all out.If it turns out to be the worse case scenario at least you will know the truth rather than niggling doubts.I will be thinking about you...good luck either way.

strandroad

I'm so sorry OP... I hope that you can get through this. And it's good that the friend told you all of this now, you could have spent years not knowing.

I don't think going to the club will prove much as he'll simply say that they changed their plans and went to club B. Unless you get him to tell you about the fantastic time at club A first?

Bananaleaf

Yes, make sure he admits to being at club A first

Gongoozler

If it was me, I wouldn't be going to the golf club. I'd either follow him, and get some photographs evidence, so that he doesn't try fleece you in the divorce, or I'd take the opportunity to change the locks and dump his stuff outside.

duffman13

Horrible situation OP, I don't know if you got a solution for someone to ring those numbers but I can do a search on them or call them for you if you want. I'd echo what others have said to try and be 100% sure before you confront him.

CaraMay

Op I would always be one to advocate maintaining your dignity but in this scenario you need to know. Will he definitely be in his own car? You have to go to golf club and check out that story. Otherwise he will spin you a line. My heart breaks for you but have you figured out what you are going to do if he's guilty?

auldgranny

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I would always be one to advocate maintaining your dignity but in this scenario you need to know. Will he definitely be in his own car? You have to go to golf club and check out that story. Otherwise he will spin you a line. My heart breaks for you but have you figured out what you are going to do if he's guilty?

He will be in his own car, yes. It's a great cover in a way because I saw him pack all his toiletries to shower last night and I was thinking it's a good excuse for bringing them all. I don't know what i am going to do to be honest. Maybe just leave.

Ave Sodalis

OP, if he had to fill another guys place, was there a booking? Could you confirm the booking?

CaraMay

auldgranny wrote: »

He will be in his own car, yes. It's a great cover in a way because I saw him pack all his toiletries to shower last night and I was thinking it's a good excuse for bringing them all. I don't know what i am going to do to be honest. Maybe just leave.

Yeah and tell the other wives on the way out. If this turns out to be true then that girl did you a huge favour. Best if luck op I'll be thinking of you.

CaraMay

sup_dude wrote: »

OP, if he had to fill another guys place, was there a booking? Could you confirm the booking?

You can book a tee time and not show up.

CiboC

Just to put in a opposing view, it still sounds fairly implausible to me....

The line is that this is a group of lads who regularly arrange to visit prostitutes and cover each other by claiming to be playing golf at the time...?

If a guy is going to visit a prostitute (and I have friends who have done, some regularly), they generally would keep it as discrete as possible to avoid being found out. Having a large group of people knowing about it seems to be a particularly stupid idea. If he was doing this there is no need to arrange cover with a group lads surely? If he was doing this intermittently and was being reasonably careful it would be much more difficult to find out, no?

Even the phone thing seems odd - I know that the golden rule seems to be to have a second phone that you make any calls from to avoid any awkward to explain numbers appearing on your legitimate phone...?

All I am saying is don't jump to conclusions too quickly, perhaps he knows about what the 'group' do but doesn't actually take part...? It is perfectly possible, I have been in these situations myself. The fact that his car is / is not in the golf club does not automatically mean he is with a hooker...